New here-hello everyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Leonard, Michigan
Posts: 49
New here-hello everyone.
Hello!
I am the wife of a struggling alcoholic. My husband is currently still "responsible"-he has been worse in the past with drinking, he knows that he has a problem (he also may be bipolar, depending on which of the professionals we have seen that we'd like to believe, he is taking Lamictal currently)
I used to rage, be angry, take it all personally. I gradually learned that this is about him, not me. He has never accused me of any of this being my fault.
We built a small business that was doing well for up till the last 4 years (we've been in business 20 years). I know this is a big part of what is destroying him-not that he doesn't have other issues from childhood & such. It's just that while we could pay the bills, he was much more stable-& he also drank responsibly back then.
Since the economy has been so hard on our business, we have had to restructure several times-file personal & professional bankruptcy, & now are involved in a fight with Bank of America over a loan modification program we passed, that they then decided we did not. We are having a hard time paying the bills-we're like any small business, either things are busy & he's working to death or we're dead & have no money. We lost everything we had saved in the stock market crash a few years ago.
I can see where drinking is the only way to escape for him, to completely not feel any of the things going on. I don't know if this scares me more than the anger i used to feel about it.
I realize there is no point in fighting, screaming, arguing about it. I have been trying to approach it from a different angle. He does NOT like me to feel sorry for him. I know how much he hates himself. I know when he drinks that he rages, cries, & then falls asleep, usually. He has taken to doing it mostly in private.
There have been times in the past he has driven-i called the Police, but nothing ever happened. I have begged & written letters to parts of his family i thought would care, but if anything, his Mom especially will enable him rather than help him.
His Dad died at 64 from alcoholism-we watched it literally kill him. He died in the Hospital from DT's. This was about 6 years ago. It was so ugly, i would have never imagined that it could grip my husband the way it has-granted to a much lesser degree, but still. I do understand that my husband doesn't want to be like this, but doesn't know how not to. We have seen so many "professionals", really with no real help coming from them at all.
If he makes the wrong decision one day & drives, he could kill someone or himself. He smells SO BAD when he has had even just a little alcohol, the whole bedroom will smell-i can't sleep in there. I worry that his organs are being affected-i have had this discussion with him.
It used to break my heart, break my soul. How could someone who was so smart & made so much of his life be so stupid, over & over again? I had to come to the realization that it is out of his control, so that i could begin to heal somewhat myself.
I currently try to enjoy the good times we have together. I try to be a source of laughter & happiness & help, whenever i can. But i always know it's coming-to what degree, i don't know. But i know he will drink. I have had to let go of the notion that i can trust him-it was a long & painful process.
Neither of us have family that we are close to-each other is mostly all we have. We have been married since 1988.
I am always willing to listen to any thoughts anyone has & i hope i can be of some support to some, too. I'm glad i found you.
Laurie
I am the wife of a struggling alcoholic. My husband is currently still "responsible"-he has been worse in the past with drinking, he knows that he has a problem (he also may be bipolar, depending on which of the professionals we have seen that we'd like to believe, he is taking Lamictal currently)
I used to rage, be angry, take it all personally. I gradually learned that this is about him, not me. He has never accused me of any of this being my fault.
We built a small business that was doing well for up till the last 4 years (we've been in business 20 years). I know this is a big part of what is destroying him-not that he doesn't have other issues from childhood & such. It's just that while we could pay the bills, he was much more stable-& he also drank responsibly back then.
Since the economy has been so hard on our business, we have had to restructure several times-file personal & professional bankruptcy, & now are involved in a fight with Bank of America over a loan modification program we passed, that they then decided we did not. We are having a hard time paying the bills-we're like any small business, either things are busy & he's working to death or we're dead & have no money. We lost everything we had saved in the stock market crash a few years ago.
I can see where drinking is the only way to escape for him, to completely not feel any of the things going on. I don't know if this scares me more than the anger i used to feel about it.
I realize there is no point in fighting, screaming, arguing about it. I have been trying to approach it from a different angle. He does NOT like me to feel sorry for him. I know how much he hates himself. I know when he drinks that he rages, cries, & then falls asleep, usually. He has taken to doing it mostly in private.
There have been times in the past he has driven-i called the Police, but nothing ever happened. I have begged & written letters to parts of his family i thought would care, but if anything, his Mom especially will enable him rather than help him.
His Dad died at 64 from alcoholism-we watched it literally kill him. He died in the Hospital from DT's. This was about 6 years ago. It was so ugly, i would have never imagined that it could grip my husband the way it has-granted to a much lesser degree, but still. I do understand that my husband doesn't want to be like this, but doesn't know how not to. We have seen so many "professionals", really with no real help coming from them at all.
If he makes the wrong decision one day & drives, he could kill someone or himself. He smells SO BAD when he has had even just a little alcohol, the whole bedroom will smell-i can't sleep in there. I worry that his organs are being affected-i have had this discussion with him.
It used to break my heart, break my soul. How could someone who was so smart & made so much of his life be so stupid, over & over again? I had to come to the realization that it is out of his control, so that i could begin to heal somewhat myself.
I currently try to enjoy the good times we have together. I try to be a source of laughter & happiness & help, whenever i can. But i always know it's coming-to what degree, i don't know. But i know he will drink. I have had to let go of the notion that i can trust him-it was a long & painful process.
Neither of us have family that we are close to-each other is mostly all we have. We have been married since 1988.
I am always willing to listen to any thoughts anyone has & i hope i can be of some support to some, too. I'm glad i found you.
Laurie
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Laurie –
It sounds like you do have your head on pretty straight (hugs) – I would suggest checking out the Al-anon meetings in your area. They can help reinforce the things you already know as well as help you learn even more coping mechanisms and help you to NOT be isolated – WITHOUT judging. It’s been a sanity and serenity saver for me.
Best wishes to you – it’s not an easy road.
Blue
It sounds like you do have your head on pretty straight (hugs) – I would suggest checking out the Al-anon meetings in your area. They can help reinforce the things you already know as well as help you learn even more coping mechanisms and help you to NOT be isolated – WITHOUT judging. It’s been a sanity and serenity saver for me.
Best wishes to you – it’s not an easy road.
Blue
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome, Laurie. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found SR. I'd agree with BlueMoon that it sounds like you're working it out really well. You didn't really ask any questions, just a howdy. So, hmmmm, I'm debating with myself on this...
When I first acknowledged that XAH had a problem drinking, I was the queen of making excuses for him (oh h-ll, for quite a while before and after that, actually). So he drinks a bit more than he should, his work is stressful / running his own business is stressful / being a new dad is demanding / us having to declare bankruptcy is tough... It's not that bad.
His mother's siblings all died from alcohol-related issues. His niece is an alcoholic and wrapped her car around a tree while driving under the influence. She was lucky: 1. she survived, 2. it was just her in the car, 3. it was a tree and not another car. XAH wasn't like THAT. How could he do the same things as them? He’s not that bad.
I told myself the following as well:
That mindset was/is one of the hardest ones for me to let go. Truth is there are plenty of other, healthier, ways to deal with stress. And the important part to the “He’s not that bad,” statement was always left off. Just one little word: yet.
Welcome and wishing for the best!
When I first acknowledged that XAH had a problem drinking, I was the queen of making excuses for him (oh h-ll, for quite a while before and after that, actually). So he drinks a bit more than he should, his work is stressful / running his own business is stressful / being a new dad is demanding / us having to declare bankruptcy is tough... It's not that bad.
His mother's siblings all died from alcohol-related issues. His niece is an alcoholic and wrapped her car around a tree while driving under the influence. She was lucky: 1. she survived, 2. it was just her in the car, 3. it was a tree and not another car. XAH wasn't like THAT. How could he do the same things as them? He’s not that bad.
I told myself the following as well:
Originally Posted by cslaurie 
I can see where drinking is the only way to escape for him, to completely not feel any of the things going on.
Welcome and wishing for the best!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Laurie!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and share some of your story. Some of our stories are posted in older, permanent (stickies) posts at the top of the forum pages. There is a ton of wisdom in those posts.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You are not alone!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and share some of your story. Some of our stories are posted in older, permanent (stickies) posts at the top of the forum pages. There is a ton of wisdom in those posts.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You are not alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Leonard, Michigan
Posts: 49
Thank you all so much for the warm welcome : ). I am always open to hearing people's thoughts & opinions, i feel that's how we learn, hearing all different sides. I am so glad that i found you guys. I've been reading through the old posts & stickies & have already gained more wisdom from you all who've posted your stories.
To "theuncertainty" (one of these days i'll figure out how to quote part of a post, like you did : ). You are absolutely right when you said "that mindset was/is one of the hardest ones for me to let go. Truth is there are plenty of other, healthier, ways to deal with stress. And the important part to the “He’s not that bad,” statement was always left off. Just one little word: yet."
I have already heard/seen things i would have never dreamed would happen. This smart person who i have known for 27 years couldn't POSSIBLY have gotten so drunk that he fell out of the car door last winter in our parking lot at work, into the snow, blacked out, went to the bathroom on himself, woke up as if he'd been in a fight, & had no memory of much of what went on except for the obvious.
I know the worst is if he hurts an innocent person/people, or himself-i used to worry myself sick about this, to the point where i was having panic attacks. I had to step back & finally realize, it would not be MY fault if/when this happens. It's still hard for me to think that, but i have told everyone i could about what's going on. I have called the Police numerous times when i knew he was on the road on the way home, or took off from here drunk. It took about 6 calls to sink in that they don't really care until someone IS hurt. One time i managed to get a cop who cared enough to take him out of a restaurant where he was drinking/already drunk, & they gave him the option of going to the hospital voluntarily or not voluntarily (i think because it was a snowy night, it helped). I assumed either way he would get some form of counseling, seen by a Dr, maybe be there at least 72 hours-i remember a feeling of relief that something was FINALLY going to change.
The hospital simply waited till his blood alcohol level was safe enough to drive, & since he'd arrived by ambulance, he called his Mom to come get him & take him back to his car at the restaurant, where he could have drank more again by going to any party store.
She's enabled him like this twice, & after the last time, i told myself that was it-it's time i started caring about me. You too know how it is when this runs deep in the family. A few of his cousins as well as his Dad have passed away from alcoholism-i remember the funeral of his 25 year old cousin. Everyone stood around boo-hooing about how terrible it all was. I told his Mom there would be no such funeral for her son-that she could choose to be a part of the problem, or part of the solution, but i personally wouldn't tolerate her being part of the problem.
Thanks so much, everyone, for being here, sharing & listening...
Laurie
To "theuncertainty" (one of these days i'll figure out how to quote part of a post, like you did : ). You are absolutely right when you said "that mindset was/is one of the hardest ones for me to let go. Truth is there are plenty of other, healthier, ways to deal with stress. And the important part to the “He’s not that bad,” statement was always left off. Just one little word: yet."
I have already heard/seen things i would have never dreamed would happen. This smart person who i have known for 27 years couldn't POSSIBLY have gotten so drunk that he fell out of the car door last winter in our parking lot at work, into the snow, blacked out, went to the bathroom on himself, woke up as if he'd been in a fight, & had no memory of much of what went on except for the obvious.
I know the worst is if he hurts an innocent person/people, or himself-i used to worry myself sick about this, to the point where i was having panic attacks. I had to step back & finally realize, it would not be MY fault if/when this happens. It's still hard for me to think that, but i have told everyone i could about what's going on. I have called the Police numerous times when i knew he was on the road on the way home, or took off from here drunk. It took about 6 calls to sink in that they don't really care until someone IS hurt. One time i managed to get a cop who cared enough to take him out of a restaurant where he was drinking/already drunk, & they gave him the option of going to the hospital voluntarily or not voluntarily (i think because it was a snowy night, it helped). I assumed either way he would get some form of counseling, seen by a Dr, maybe be there at least 72 hours-i remember a feeling of relief that something was FINALLY going to change.
The hospital simply waited till his blood alcohol level was safe enough to drive, & since he'd arrived by ambulance, he called his Mom to come get him & take him back to his car at the restaurant, where he could have drank more again by going to any party store.
She's enabled him like this twice, & after the last time, i told myself that was it-it's time i started caring about me. You too know how it is when this runs deep in the family. A few of his cousins as well as his Dad have passed away from alcoholism-i remember the funeral of his 25 year old cousin. Everyone stood around boo-hooing about how terrible it all was. I told his Mom there would be no such funeral for her son-that she could choose to be a part of the problem, or part of the solution, but i personally wouldn't tolerate her being part of the problem.
Thanks so much, everyone, for being here, sharing & listening...
Laurie
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome...this is one nasty disease, that can be passed down from generation to generation.
Unfortunately, some mamas just cannot stop their enabling, they just don't understand that they are not helping their "baby", infact they are a major contributor to the problem, and, probably have been for many years. Their meddling does nothing but keep the addicted child from reaching their bottom and seek a strong recovery program.
You hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, what you do with it, is up to you. You can continue to hold it tightly, or, use it to walk through a new door. Your choice, your life.
Nice to meet you, keep posting and reading others posts.
Unfortunately, some mamas just cannot stop their enabling, they just don't understand that they are not helping their "baby", infact they are a major contributor to the problem, and, probably have been for many years. Their meddling does nothing but keep the addicted child from reaching their bottom and seek a strong recovery program.
You hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, what you do with it, is up to you. You can continue to hold it tightly, or, use it to walk through a new door. Your choice, your life.
Nice to meet you, keep posting and reading others posts.
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