Gavetoomuch

This is the first time in three years that I can honestly say that I am not with someone. I was with a guy who is addicted to pills for three years. I have a son with him and honestly thought that I could try and change him. When we got together, I knew he had a problem, but it didn't come into light until about two years into it. He knew about my feeling about pills in general, had a friend that was addicted but she has been clean for a while now and I am so proud of her, and promised that he would never do it. Now, I'm broke, living at my parents' with my son and going to school. I found out he stole from my best friend (the godfather of my son) and people that he said where his friends. Now, he's got a warrant out because his "friends" are pressing charges because of all the stuff he stole. I tried so hard and today is the second day of having no contact with him and I'm feeling so broken. Because of his stealing all of my friends have basically alienated me and I feel so lost. I don't know why I let it go on so long and if I can be the mother that I need to be for my son. I'm so broken and hurt, but I know I'm not the only one who's gone through this. I guess I just need a shoulder to cry on or a swift kick in the butt, whichever one everyone feels like they should do.

humnbird

Gave too much,

Welcome to SR, and thank you for being courageous enough to share with us. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but believe me we have all been/are there. I relate to so many things you said, letting it go on so long, being left with nothing, being alienated from all the people who I cared about.

The silver lining of the situation you're in is that there's no where to go but up, with no contact. Each day you will feel stronger and stronger, and more like yourself again.

Have you ever checked out alanon? I didn't think it would help me, but it REALLY did.

HUGS to you my dear

hopeful0323

I know how you feel. My AXBF stole from me and both his family members and mine. The pain that this disease brings is devastating! The best thing you could do for your son is get yourself to alanon or naranon.

I was brought to my knees by my AXBF's disease and could no longer function in daily life. I was struggling to keep it together for our kids, losing my patience with them very frequently. One day I woke up and decided something had to give. I knew I needed help and could not climb out of the dark depths of addiction on my own.

Now, 5 months later I am getting to be happy again, I enjoy every moments with my girls to the fullest and no longer feel stressed on a daily basis. Alanon and this forum have saved me and given me strength I never even knew existed. Once you start taking care of yourself, you would be amazed at what your capable of. Hugs and prayers for you and your precious little boy!

useyourwords

Welcome! It sounds like you are on a good path, and I agree that alanon or naranon would be a great thing. If it were easy, none of us would be here!! Sorry you are feeling like you friends are no longer there to support you, but I wonder if they put distance between themselves and you because they felt you were supporting/enabling him. Now that you are moving in a new direction perhaps you can let them know that you are doing so and would really appreciate their support and friendship. If the distance is already there, you really don't have anything to lose by reaching out. You just may find that they were just waiting for you to "see the light" and go no contact Best wishes and keep posting!

Gavetoomuch

I have found that No Contact list and I must say, I think it is going to help me so much. All day today I've felt like when I look out my door or window I'm going to see his face and I've been so tempted to call to find out where is he. I know for my sanity, or what's left of it right now, I need to have nothing to do with him, but I am so scared that I am going to fall apart and listen to what he has to say. And if I listen what are the chances of me trying to make it work again? Right now, I know that it would and could never happen again because he put too many people on the line for his actions what if he does something that makes me lose my son. I would never be able to live with myself. I'm so conflicted tonight. Last night was so much easier. I've gone from contact every single night to nothing in the span of 24 hours. I'm sure this feeling is normal, but...I honestly and truly don't know who I am anymore because of what he put me through...I just keep thinking what if what if what if.

hello-kitty

Welcome. I hope you keep reading and posting. There's lots of good information on this site. And you are not alone. All you have to do is keep making wise choices and things will come back together for you. Never give up.

Gavetoomuch

I want so bad to just call him to make sure that he is okay. This process is killing me and I've only been doing it for a few days now. If I can't make it a few days without feeling the need to contact him, how am I going to be able to move on? I'm so hurt by him, but I still have feelings for him. He's the father of my son dammit! I know it would be stupid of me to do it because he would just reel me in like every other time I've tried to leave, but I'm hurting so badly and if he had any feelings like he said he did, then he would be hurting too....right??

suki44883

Here's that swift kick in the butt you were asking for the other day.

Okay, now...he's doing just fine. No one ever died from missing someone. You'll be okay, just hang in there. Do the right things for yourself and your son. Your boyfriend isn't good for you or your son right now, so your son needs you to make the right decisions for his well being. Keep taking care of yourself and your son. You're both going to be okay.

hello-kitty

Think of it as being in withdrawal. He's an addiction for you. It's hard to get through it, I know. This is why recovery is so important. There's a great book out there call Co-Dependent No More which may provide you with some insight into your behavior, and another book that is getting a lot of mention lately (one I haven't read) is called 10 stupid things that women do to mess up their lives. Also, read all you can on this website - all the stickies, posts, etc. Arm yourself with knowledge. And be good to yourself. You didn't cause his problems. You can't cure his problems. You can't fix his problems. But you can work on yourself and you can protect your child. The only thing you have control over is your actions and your response to other peoples actions.

Something else to remember is that any contact you have with him just prolongs the pain you are feeling... It holds you back from moving on.

How old is your little boy? Mine's 6. His father is a crack addict. We haven't seen him in two years. It was hard at first, but now my life is so much better. And my little boy has stability. That's what really matters. Providing a safe stable environment for children to grow up in. Children should not be exposed to addiction or addicts.

hello-kitty

He's an addict doing what addicts do. His words mean nothing and it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your pain. His primary motivator is getting more drugs and using them. He's not really capable of feeling "hurt" or "love" for that matter. You will always come second to drugs. There's a great stickie at the top of the forum called what addicts do. Read it.

Gavetoomuch

I've read it. It's just hard to believe that he didn't have any feelings for me. I mean I believe that it could be the drugs talking, but he stuck around when he found out I was pregnant. We were in no shape to be having a child, and I ended up having to move in with my parents (he was not allowed which I'm happy about now) for different reasons. Before I defended him saying that he wanted him because he told me he wanted to be apart of my son's life, but now that I'm typing this out I'm thinking differently. My son is 10 months old as of yesterday He was working, but wasn't sending me anything. Now I feel like I was dragged around all these years for no reason. I just don't understand why I let him do this to me for so long. I don't understand how I let myself do this to me for so long. I can't put all the blame on him because I stuck around. How could you give someone the chance to be a parent and lie about how you feel? How could you say you want to be in his life, but you don't? Oh I wish I could ask him these questions.

hello-kitty

It's not that he didn't have feelings for you. It's just that he has STRONGER feelings for drugs. And it's nothing you have control over. It's a disease and one he has to be able to face head on. It's a mental illness - and not one that you can help him with. Addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages.

I had to give up trying to understand my addicts choices. I mean, who in their right mind would choose a 3 minute high and PRISON over their lover, best friend and son? An addict would. That's who.

It's not about blaming yourself. It's an opportunity for you to grow into a stronger wiser person. Don't stay stuck in the past. Be in recovery! Take this opportunity to learn and be the best mom you can be.

In recovery we have a great saying, it's not how low your bottom is, it's how high you bounce when you hit it that matters...

I loved my ex. Very much. But I look at my dysfunctional relationship with him as my bottom. I never want anything so twisted again. Yes it was my fault I stayed for so long. But I needed that so I could learn from that experience. When the time came, I let it go. It became my jumping off point. I didn't get stuck there. I chose to look to the future for me and my child. To work through the pain. To wise up, to learn to make better choices for myself and to grow.

You can have a beautiful life for you and your son if you choose. Just don't get stuck in self-blame or blaming him. It is what it is. For some reason, you needed that experience with him, there was a lesson in it for you. Perhaps now it's time to forgive yourself and him, and move forward with your life.

eyeswideshut1

Gavetoomuch, I read your post because I am going through the same thing--just went no contact with my ABF. I really know what you're going through. It's hard to surrender your fantasies of what a relationship could be after you have invested so much time, love, energy, and (in my case, at least) money into the relationship. But you have to remember that you are really only letting go of a fantasy--the relationship never lived up to your dreams. One of the suggestions I've seen people make a lot on SR is to focus on the addict's actions and not their words. I'm sure that your ABF has made a lot of promises and told you a lot of romantic, sweet things. I know mine did. But if you look back on his actions it might be easier for you to see that he has not been truly loving and supportive toward you and your son. You are doing the best thing, much as it hurts. I'm sure your ABF does care about you, but as long as he is in an addiction that's so powerful that he is stealing from his own friends to feed it, there is no way he can be the BF you deserve or the father your son deserves. I feel your pain, truly. I too feel this terrible hole in my heart now that I have gone no contact. It feels like I'm hurting because I miss him, but I think the truth is that the hole has been there for the whole time I have been involved with my ABF. I am just noticing it now because for a long time I was so focused on fixing his pain that I didn't notice my own. Try to keep busy and fill your life up with caring for yourself. Stay strong! I know we can both do this!

Gavetoomuch

I saw him today, damn small towns. He came up to me and tried talking to me. I couldn't look him in the eye or talk to him at all. He kissed my son and asked me to call him. I told him I couldn't and he begged me...in my mind, I'm deadset on not calling him. My heart, that's another thing. My son knew who he was and wanted to be held by him. It feels like these past few days just came crumbing down around me. I never said I would...just need help preventing it from happening.

hello-kitty

Well it's bound to happen in a small town. Just keep moving forward. (I would also advise staying strong and not letting him know it gets to you but that's besides the point...)

I guarantee that if you keep pushing on with your recovery, you will get through this and find a better life than you ever dreamed. I hate to see people sabatoge themselves and not live to their fullest potential because they are unable to let go of the fantasy that they can have a truly loving healthy relationship with a lying manipulative narcisistic drug addict (and don't forget he's thief who's about to go to jail for stealing from your friends and family!) The question becomes why would you end up falling for a guy like this in the first place. (And I did it too so you are not alone, my ex was a drug dealing crackhead who lied constantly, cheated constantly and stole my car).

I think it comes down to the fact that really the problem lies within us, not with the drug addict. Our codependency issues can destroy our lives and any chance at future happiness. And it can perpetuate itself down thru the next generation as well.

Just keep reading and posting.

Gavetoomuch

He ended up calling my house and my son was playing with the phone and answered it. Instead of just hanging up on him, I actually got him to shut up long enough to say what I needed to say to him. I did not get angry, I did not cry, in fact I basically showed no emotion whatsoever and I felt, and having been feeling, amazing. I got the weight off my shoulders and told him a few things, such as how he can't hold me and my son over my head anymore and that the only was he was going to get help was when he finally decided enough was enough. Oh and if he did call me and say he was clean and saving money, that I wasn't going to believe him because he stepped on me so much. He cried and said that he loved me , I'm guessing he was trying to get something out of me. I can't say thank you enough to all the posts on here, in this post and others that I have read, and in the chatroom. He crosses my mind. Yea, I'm done with him and his lies, but I was with him long enough for him to make some sort of impression in my mind and I see him in my son every once and a while.

I am beginning to start my life without him in it and it feels like I'm a whole new woman. Got my hair cut, gonna lose this baby weight, and finish this semester of school. I had wanted to try and get down to a meeting today, but it being the day before Thanksgiving and lack of a babysitter, couldn't do it. I'm hoping I can get to the one next week.

I don't think I will ever be able to say what attracted me to him, but I know he wasn't messing with these things when we got together. I hope I can keep this good vibe going for a while.

As for the arrest, I don't know what is going on with that because the person that pressed the charges told him about the warrant the other day and I almost died. I'm so angry with that, but I can't let it get to me. Because of this, the whole no contact thing is becoming harder because everyone keeps calling me to ask if I've heard from him or if I know where he is. I've explained to them over and over that I don't want to talk about him and that he probably is never going to contact me again, but it doesn't seem like they are listening. Advice?

eyeswideshut1

That's great that you're taking steps to move onto a new chapter! Sometimes little ways of taking care of yourself, like getting a haircut, can really help you feel like you're starting a new chapter! It must be so frustrating to still have all these people call you for updates on him when you are trying to move on. I guess all you can do is tell people firmly that you are no longer in touch with him and would prefer to focus on taking care of yourself and your son right now. Have you considered changing your number? Then you could be careful about only giving the new one to people who will be supportive. Just a thought. Good luck, and happy thanksgiving!

Gavetoomuch

Eyes - I would gladly change my number, but seeing as I'm at my parents' I can't ask them to do that. But they do screen their calls so most of the time we don't answer and I got a free phone from the government (thank you food stamps) and have already had to change it once and they weren't too keen on that the first time. Guess they don't like doing it but whatever. The haircut really has made me feel like I can move on with my life and it is one less thing that had connected me to him. Yes, I know it will grow back, but at that point I think I will be well enough over him to not even think about it.

Scared - I don't mind you not giving any advice and what you wrote is exactly what I was going through to a t. What about moving back with your parents? It sucks, I know that one, but if they know what is going on, I'm sure they would support your decision to move for your son's sake if not yours too. I'm a stay at home mom too and thanks to fin. aid can continue to go to school (not bragging btw just making a statement). I had no idea what answers I was looking for. But I found some here. On this I've been able to take the steps to leave and I know how hard it is. Does the state you live in have a Grandparent's Law? I know mine doesn't, not that it matters because my son's father isn't listed on the birth certificate (I had this strange feeling that he never stopped using when my son was born and I'm so glad I never changed it and I know he's the father seeing as he was my first and only) so his parents can't come after me to see him anyway.

The best advice I got on here was that he is going to change when HE wants to change. Not for me and not for my son, but for himself. Maybe once they, yours and mine, see that they have nothing left they will finally decide to change, but only time will tell. Just like when you decide if and when you are going to leave. It's going to be because you cannot deal with it anymore. It's nice to see that he was willing to try and work it out, but my ex told me the same thing about the suboxone and now he's out. Not telling you what to do, just offering some words.

lesliej

as I slowly gain distance, one day at a time, I am kind of amazed at how parallel the addict/codependent relationship is...maybe that's stating the obvious. it's just that with a little time I have started to understand that I was really struggling to give up something that was so bad for me...

it used up my energy, caused a great strain on my relationships with people who love me, caused loss of trust in a supposed love relationship, and had me doing really crazy things to find it...

I'm sorry, but does that sound familiar? we do things as codependents that are parallel insane as the addict we love...until we start to break through our own denial. life doesn't have to be this way!

My loving supportive recovery community that surrounds me, and here on line as well I believe, would be dumbfounded if I "used" again. the intense "craving" still visits, I also know what my "triggers" are. I am using support of recovery to NOT USE...and I'm NOT talking heroin, crack or pills. I'm talking about my most recent DOC..the crack addict I loved.

toughLittleGirl

Leslij so true!!!! Eyes, I am five days no contact with my XABF and I have treating my missing him and everything like an addiction. I am addicted to my addict, and now realizing I might be addicted to drama, and trying to catch or prevent heroin use in him. And addicted to trying to save him. Now I try to avoid triggers, like certaon songs, or people, that make me want to contact him. It's super hard but I realize too that intill i cut the cord and go no contact i couldnt move on with my life. He would always find the right words to say to get me to stick around. Not anymore! I am so happy for you finding the strength to leave and seek recovery!!!! Life will get better. We have choices. We can say no if we want to. I too have been stolen from, lied to, played detective with the addict. I told his family and family that im goong no contact and everyone is supportive and doesnt bring him up. I also found the strength to ask my parents for support. They would get angry with me for contacting him because they saw how much i had been hurting for two years. I got so low one time I didnt want to live. Not going to let his addoction ruin my life anymore. My trying to caretake him was just prolonging his reaching bottom. He would uyse our relationship as a way to gain trust back from his family. Unless he is in recovery I will always come second to drugs. And he may never recover, and he may never become the man i hoped he would. I have never known him sober. I was chasing a dream that may never come to be. To wrap up, this is what helps me...I fo to meetings eveey week, I read about codependancy when I want to contact him, I write in my journal, I made a list of what kind of a person he is today and compared it to a list of what I want in a partner. Totally different! And i made a lisr of things o won't miss about being with an active addict. Hope this helps! Stay strong! We all deserve to live a happy life!!!!!! Remeber this site is always here when you feel down. love and hugs!!!!