eyeswideshut1

After posting for the first time on here a couple nights ago and getting great support, I gave some thought to my situation with my ABF. All of the people who replied to my post suggested that I should leave him, and even go no contact, and after giving it some thought, I think this confirms what I have known for a long time in my gut. I have been dating him for about a year, and in that time, he has lied to me, borrowed $12k from me, become increasingly verbally abusive, and threatened suicide. I knew him for about a year before we started dating, but somehow I never saw this side of him. Even a month ago, I was telling myself that he could kick his cocaine addiction and that he would pay me back eventually. He has been promising that he wants to clean up his act and also that he has money coming to him from an inheritance. Part of the reason I kept holding on was because I really wanted my money back! But a couple weeks ago, he disappeared. I think he must be on a cocaine binge. He tends to disappear during those times and then reappear when he crashes, remorseful and even suicidal. Who knows whether there is any truth to his claims about his inheritance, but I have finally decided that it's worth $12k to have my peace of mind. So last night I changed my phone number and deleted him from my skype. He can still e-mail me, I guess, but I am going to try to find the strength not to read his e-mails. My work number is listed online, but I hope I can either get it taken down or that he won't think to call there. I am feeling a little guilty about just cutting things off like this with no explanation, but at the same time, he is the one who has disappeared on me for the past two weeks with no explanation! I know that I am going to struggle with worry and guilt a lot in the weeks and months to come, but I hope I can stay strong on this.

suki44883

Good for you! Stay strong. He has absolutely nothing to offer you and I'm sorry to say he has been using you for quite a while. Of course, when he realizes that his meal ticket has flown the coop, he is going to pull out all the stops to try and convince you that you're wrong and that he really will repay the money and that he really wants to stop using. It will all be lies, of course, but be prepared.

Can I ask why you don't block him on your email or at least, change your settings so his emails will go directly to your trash folder? You really don't need the temptation to see what he is saying, and you will be stronger some days than others. If he catches you at a weak moment, it could cause you to lose momentum. Just a suggestion.

eyeswideshut1

Thanks for your support, Suki! You are right to ask about why I don't block him from my e-mail. I guess that it's hard for me to cut that last string! I think I was telling myself that e-mails would be easier to ignore, and I guess I'm also still holding on to the fantasy that he will pay me back! I'm still not quite convinced that the inheritance story is a lie--I think he really is from a very wealthy family. The last time we spoke, he was in another city and he said he'd been working with a lawyer and was about to get the money. I have been thinking maybe he got the money and launched on a cocaine binge, and that's why he disappeared. So I guess I'm telling myself that if we could arrange it by e-mail, I would at least allow him to mail me a check, even if I don't want any other contact with him. But in that case maybe I'm not really committing myself to no contact. I am going to have to think on this a bit. As you say, he will certainly react with plenty of lies and charm when he realizes I'm gone, and it would be much easier to not even have to hear from him. It's so easy to get sucked back in, and money or not, I really cannot be in a relationship with this person, he is too erratic and abusive.

hopeful0323

Good for you! Stay strong and find peace and happiness within yourself. Prayers and hugs.

kiki5711

well he keeps disappearing from you for long boust of time, what's wrong with you doing the same to him. what's good for the goose is good for the gander. he'll get a taste of some of his own "game play" and realize you're not to be reckoned with.

high five to you!!!!!

hello-kitty

If you set up his email to go directly to the TRASH, it will still be on your computer, just not in your face. And should you feel the need to read some garbage from him, you can always search the TRASH for it (which is where garbage belongs anyway).

eyeswideshut1

Thanks, you guys have given me a lot of support and a lot to think about. Anvil, you're right, he is one of the most financially irresponsible people I've ever met. He expects others to carry him. I just set my e-mail accounts to delete his mail. I feel so scared about cutting off this last tie, but at least for today I think I can do it.

wicked

:ghug3

kiki5711

Well, it might be interesting to leave the email open just to see how he starts react and starts to squirm and beg with all the excuses. It might confirm what you have been feeling about him.

Then on your terms say so long amigo!

humnbird

Good for you! Things can only get better as long as you go no contact. There are many members here that can attest to that.

Stay strong! And if you feel weak, come here instead.

cc88

good for you.

Only thing I would say is: Why go no contact in the first place? My answer would be to shut the door to lies, manipulation, abuse, etc. All it takes is the subject line of an unopened email to manipulate emotions, make you doubt your decision, etc. For me PERSONALLY, I'd need to cut ties completely or that one thread somehow quickly becomes a chord again.

But the important part is you're moving instead of standing still. Glad to see you start to reclaim your life.

P.S. if he inherits 3 billion dollars, you wont see a dollar of it. consider it gone.

hug

dollydo

Good move!

Lets say that he did inherit the money, do you really believe that he would pay you back? No, the reality is that he would blow it on drugs or a new car or some super duper electronic device, your chance of being repaid are slim and none. The money I spent on, loaned to my exabf is gone...forever, never to be recovered.

Acceptance is difficult, I know, however, to me, that is the answer, accept the facts and move forward.

We are here for you, keep posting, you are moving in the right direction, you are strong, you are in control....you can do this....I just know it!

toughLittleGirl

Good for you!!!!!!!!!! I'm on day two no contact!!!!!! Hardest thing ever but it feels good at the same time. Good luck and stay strong!!!!!!!!!! Xoxoxoxo

toughLittleGirl

Just want to add that i too kept a line open to my axbf hoping he would pay me back but guess what? He never has.... Cheers

eyeswideshut1

This has meant so much to me to be able to come on here and hear all of your support and encouragement. I'm going to try to keep staying strong and remembering all the reasons I decided to set these boundaries. I saw my therapist yesterday, and she suggested that in case I ever do get tempted to search my trashed e-mail for him, I should write a reply now and promise myself that it's the only one I'll send--something that says I've decided I can't have contact with him (I haven't told him that, I just changed my number and deleted him from skype), and also asking him to send me a check, and telling him I'll ignore future e-mails . But I know that's super unlikely to happen (the check part.) So many of you have been through this, and it sounds like one of the things addicts do is never repay their debts! So I am trying to learn to accept that. It's such a comfort to have the wisdom of people who have already walked down the path I'm walking--I am really grateful for your support, and that my HP led me here.