What Am I Thinking??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 34
What Am I Thinking??
Hello Everyone,
I am new here and have just ended a relationship with an Alcoholic boyfriend. He moved out less than a week ago and I have only come to terms with the fact he was a true alcoholic a few days ago. He was a binge drinker in his twenties who used age to ultimately justify his heavy drinking.But then other signs became apparent that this had nothing to do with age and everything to do with addiction. The entire break up has been a confusing mess of strange actions, abrupt decision making and just all around nonsensical explanations on his part. I feel like he is having some sort of mental break and I feel responsible for provoking it, being the ONLY person in his life that does not have a substance abuse issue who confronted him about all this...
These forums help immensely. I have many unanswered questions that I know may seem ridiculous but the welcome has been warm here so I hope I do not turn anyone off!
Maybe in a little while I wont even think of this: but is there any hope at all or success stories? Tales of time away helping the Alcoholic gain perspective and start working on recovery and the relationship enduring?
There have been so many hurtful things said and done but I know it was the alcohol talking. If that were out of the equation....I don't know. I am so confused, hurt and in love with this person. I feel like I don't know if I can make it through this without a glimmer of hope. Even if it doesn't come to fruition, at least I can make it through this hoping he can start to get well.
Ive heard that any recovery program does not advise serious relationships or relationships at all. Is this true? So does this mean even if he did say he wanted to seek help, say, next week, we still may not be together?
There is an ex involved, and he is moving soon to the country she is in and I suspect he may be going back to her as they were enablers of each other for the formative years of their life. They were under-aged drinkers together and drug users. They travelled the world getting in legal trouble and using drugs. He said she was abusive and toxic. But they lasted 6 years until she left for over seas after a domestic assault charge ended their relationship.
I feel like when things with us started getting rocky he romanticized the "fun" they used to have together vs. me nagging him about his excessive drinking. He made this crazy decision to take off, all the while crying about how much he loved me and how perfect I was. There is so much being left behind here, including several musical projects (one of which we shared) and a family he is fairly close to even though they are alcohol abusers themselves....how can he just leave everything behind so abruptly and not look back? Could there be a moment when he is sober, lying awake and thinking about everything he left behind? Or does the booze just completely numb feelings of guilt or remorse? Will he ever feel bad or reflect on how much he has hurt me? Are there similar stories? Will the memory of me be completely erased by enough alcohol?? I sit and fantasize about them painting the town red but then him regretting it or burning out and coming back to get well. Has anyone heard of anything like this? A 'last binge' that inspired change and brought a loved one back who had left?? I hear from friends and family, everyone saying he is young and only 'time will tell' and that perhaps the time away will make him realize what he wants out of life....
Has anyone's rock bottom ever involved hurting someone they loved dearly???
Gah! I know this is so ridiculous and it may all seem so needy and silly. I just can not reconcile the man who used to watch me sleep and stroke my cheeks at night with this heartless, raging alcoholic with no conscience who has dumped me for his ex.
I am new here and have just ended a relationship with an Alcoholic boyfriend. He moved out less than a week ago and I have only come to terms with the fact he was a true alcoholic a few days ago. He was a binge drinker in his twenties who used age to ultimately justify his heavy drinking.But then other signs became apparent that this had nothing to do with age and everything to do with addiction. The entire break up has been a confusing mess of strange actions, abrupt decision making and just all around nonsensical explanations on his part. I feel like he is having some sort of mental break and I feel responsible for provoking it, being the ONLY person in his life that does not have a substance abuse issue who confronted him about all this...
These forums help immensely. I have many unanswered questions that I know may seem ridiculous but the welcome has been warm here so I hope I do not turn anyone off!
Maybe in a little while I wont even think of this: but is there any hope at all or success stories? Tales of time away helping the Alcoholic gain perspective and start working on recovery and the relationship enduring?
There have been so many hurtful things said and done but I know it was the alcohol talking. If that were out of the equation....I don't know. I am so confused, hurt and in love with this person. I feel like I don't know if I can make it through this without a glimmer of hope. Even if it doesn't come to fruition, at least I can make it through this hoping he can start to get well.
Ive heard that any recovery program does not advise serious relationships or relationships at all. Is this true? So does this mean even if he did say he wanted to seek help, say, next week, we still may not be together?
There is an ex involved, and he is moving soon to the country she is in and I suspect he may be going back to her as they were enablers of each other for the formative years of their life. They were under-aged drinkers together and drug users. They travelled the world getting in legal trouble and using drugs. He said she was abusive and toxic. But they lasted 6 years until she left for over seas after a domestic assault charge ended their relationship.
I feel like when things with us started getting rocky he romanticized the "fun" they used to have together vs. me nagging him about his excessive drinking. He made this crazy decision to take off, all the while crying about how much he loved me and how perfect I was. There is so much being left behind here, including several musical projects (one of which we shared) and a family he is fairly close to even though they are alcohol abusers themselves....how can he just leave everything behind so abruptly and not look back? Could there be a moment when he is sober, lying awake and thinking about everything he left behind? Or does the booze just completely numb feelings of guilt or remorse? Will he ever feel bad or reflect on how much he has hurt me? Are there similar stories? Will the memory of me be completely erased by enough alcohol?? I sit and fantasize about them painting the town red but then him regretting it or burning out and coming back to get well. Has anyone heard of anything like this? A 'last binge' that inspired change and brought a loved one back who had left?? I hear from friends and family, everyone saying he is young and only 'time will tell' and that perhaps the time away will make him realize what he wants out of life....
Has anyone's rock bottom ever involved hurting someone they loved dearly???
Gah! I know this is so ridiculous and it may all seem so needy and silly. I just can not reconcile the man who used to watch me sleep and stroke my cheeks at night with this heartless, raging alcoholic with no conscience who has dumped me for his ex.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are playing "Let's Pretend" in your mind. Living in a fantasy world is not healthy for you.
It is over, he has moved on, why not do the same? Get out with your friends, start dating again, go for walks, read a good book, start a new hobby, do something to get your mind off of him.
I know that you are in pain, however, sometimes we need to accept what it is, not what we want it to be.
He has nothing to offer you, he is in the throws of active addiction, he has done you a favor, this relationship would never be of any benefit to you. There was and is no future with him.
Work on you, get busy living!
It is over, he has moved on, why not do the same? Get out with your friends, start dating again, go for walks, read a good book, start a new hobby, do something to get your mind off of him.
I know that you are in pain, however, sometimes we need to accept what it is, not what we want it to be.
He has nothing to offer you, he is in the throws of active addiction, he has done you a favor, this relationship would never be of any benefit to you. There was and is no future with him.
Work on you, get busy living!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi, and welcome to SR!
I have been in your shoes, abandonedluv. I know how much it hurts. All of us do.
There are no easy answers, no quick words that will make your heart feel at peace. Time will do that, though, and for me that meant a great big dose of Alanon meetings and reading/posting here. It still means that.
Two years ago I felt like a broken mess. Today I'm happy. The alcoholic is not in my life, which is my choice, and I don't question that decision AT ALL anymore. And I am surrounded by people I can trust. It hasn't been easy but it has sure-as-heck been worth it.
Glad you're here, though sorry that you're in pain. Welcome to the club, and know that there are LOTS of hopeful stories here but they are focussed on the people coming here to read/post/get better, not on the relationships that got them here in the first place.
Keep coming back,
posie
I have been in your shoes, abandonedluv. I know how much it hurts. All of us do.
There are no easy answers, no quick words that will make your heart feel at peace. Time will do that, though, and for me that meant a great big dose of Alanon meetings and reading/posting here. It still means that.
Two years ago I felt like a broken mess. Today I'm happy. The alcoholic is not in my life, which is my choice, and I don't question that decision AT ALL anymore. And I am surrounded by people I can trust. It hasn't been easy but it has sure-as-heck been worth it.
Glad you're here, though sorry that you're in pain. Welcome to the club, and know that there are LOTS of hopeful stories here but they are focussed on the people coming here to read/post/get better, not on the relationships that got them here in the first place.
Keep coming back,
posie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Alcoholic or not he has left. He is gone. All those questions you are aganizing over no longer apply because you aren't in the same sandbox anymore. Focus on your healing. 
When a "heartless, raging alcoholic with no conscience" walks out of your life - let them go!!!
What is good for you? What do you want out of life? What would you like to move towards? Career, family, friends, travel, peace and happiness? Whatever it is I don't imagine hearless raging alcoholic will fit in. He has shown you and is telling you who he is. Believe him.
Alcoholics hurt people in their lives. That is pretty universal. Alcoholics are just people and unless there is some personality disorder still have all the emotions that anyone else does. The part to try and understand is that an alcoholic will follow the voice of addiction even when they know it is going to cause pain and suffering to themselves and others - and then they drink more to deal with those feelings or try to blot them out, and around it goes. The alcohol changes brains and thought processes. The mind can twist things to protect the addiction and it is very nonsensicle to others.
When a "heartless, raging alcoholic with no conscience" walks out of your life - let them go!!! What is good for you? What do you want out of life? What would you like to move towards? Career, family, friends, travel, peace and happiness? Whatever it is I don't imagine hearless raging alcoholic will fit in. He has shown you and is telling you who he is. Believe him.
Alcoholics hurt people in their lives. That is pretty universal. Alcoholics are just people and unless there is some personality disorder still have all the emotions that anyone else does. The part to try and understand is that an alcoholic will follow the voice of addiction even when they know it is going to cause pain and suffering to themselves and others - and then they drink more to deal with those feelings or try to blot them out, and around it goes. The alcohol changes brains and thought processes. The mind can twist things to protect the addiction and it is very nonsensicle to others.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
One thing I don't get. What were you getting out of this relationship. I see a lot of giving and accepting and adapting on your part but what were you getting?
BTW, alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Your friend,
BTW, alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
are there similiar stories?
I'm beginning to say that ALL of them are similiar, bf or spouse. It seems like alcohol and "grass is always greener" syndrome may go hand in hand.
He has a problem with alcohol. I think it is safe to say that the denial is core with that, and the answer to all problems is to run. Especially if/when the partner like yourself, happens to be a non alcoholic. Probably just a level of guilt to look at you and know you have your life under control (when it comes to not being addicted).
I solve problems (or so I like to think). My xabf runs from solving problems. And yes, there is another woman in the picture. One who does not drink either..but I still think changing who he was with, was what he though the solution was.
There are some here who have stayed with the partner, the partner has gotten sober and stayed sober. They seem few and far between.
Mine has been an emotional struggle for several months. Just as I am finally reaching the point where I truly can get my mind free, of course, the rumor (from him) is that the new thing is crashing. Like.. I expected that. The timing is almost hilarious.
NO one can make the decision except you, as to how you handle it, or what the outcome will be.
I'm beginning to say that ALL of them are similiar, bf or spouse. It seems like alcohol and "grass is always greener" syndrome may go hand in hand.
He has a problem with alcohol. I think it is safe to say that the denial is core with that, and the answer to all problems is to run. Especially if/when the partner like yourself, happens to be a non alcoholic. Probably just a level of guilt to look at you and know you have your life under control (when it comes to not being addicted).
I solve problems (or so I like to think). My xabf runs from solving problems. And yes, there is another woman in the picture. One who does not drink either..but I still think changing who he was with, was what he though the solution was.
There are some here who have stayed with the partner, the partner has gotten sober and stayed sober. They seem few and far between.
Mine has been an emotional struggle for several months. Just as I am finally reaching the point where I truly can get my mind free, of course, the rumor (from him) is that the new thing is crashing. Like.. I expected that. The timing is almost hilarious.
NO one can make the decision except you, as to how you handle it, or what the outcome will be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 51
Welcome!!
Hi there,
Reading some of the responses above may not be an easy thing to digest... What I get from your post is that this is just the beginning of you realizing that he has a problem and that things have to change. I would never tell you to leave him, as I'm sure that would not help you at all. You are doing great just by having him move out, better than where I was when I reached your point.
Your story sounds very similar to mine, and probably alot of members here. I was recently in a 2+ year relationship with an addict and am also 7 years sober, so hopefully I can answer some of your questions.
"Ive heard that any recovery program does not advise serious relationships or relationships at all. Is this true?" Yes, this is true. It's generally accepted in AA that being a partner to someone else, especially someone who you've hurt and needs attention, takes the focus away from your recovery. Also, in someones first year they undergo many changes (if they work a program). Sometimes being in a relationship is too much to take. Lastly, there is this concept of a higher power (can be ANYTHING, nature, ocean, doorknob, G.O.D. aka group of drunks), something that one must develop to stay sober. Usually the alcoholic makes their lover their HP without even knowing it, leading to relapse down the line. People are fallible and make mistakes, you can't solely depend on them.
Now, are there exceptions to this rule? sure. I thought I would be one. My man got sober after a year of LITERAL hell and everything was "great" until he found bottle of percocet and there went everything. I realized he needed to be alone and so did I if we were to have any chance at being happy, together or apart.
"hope at all or success stories? Tales of time away helping the Alcoholic gain perspective and start working on recovery and the relationship enduring?"
Yes, there are, but they are rare. Listen to what you hear here. I went though post dating back 5 years and followed peoples stories, just to see their trajectory. I even had a best friend at the time who had gone through the EXACT same thing, but I needed to learn it for myself.
The question is, really, how much are you willing to give up to be with this person? Are you willing to wait it out and sacrifice more months/years with the possibility that they could relapse at ANY time? I thought I was willing to give up anything because I love this man so much, but as time went on I realized I wanted to live my life, not in this constant "newcomer"/crisis mindset.
Keep coming here and DEF check out alanon!!!! Learning to keep the focus on yourself WILL set you free.
Reading some of the responses above may not be an easy thing to digest... What I get from your post is that this is just the beginning of you realizing that he has a problem and that things have to change. I would never tell you to leave him, as I'm sure that would not help you at all. You are doing great just by having him move out, better than where I was when I reached your point.
Your story sounds very similar to mine, and probably alot of members here. I was recently in a 2+ year relationship with an addict and am also 7 years sober, so hopefully I can answer some of your questions.
"Ive heard that any recovery program does not advise serious relationships or relationships at all. Is this true?" Yes, this is true. It's generally accepted in AA that being a partner to someone else, especially someone who you've hurt and needs attention, takes the focus away from your recovery. Also, in someones first year they undergo many changes (if they work a program). Sometimes being in a relationship is too much to take. Lastly, there is this concept of a higher power (can be ANYTHING, nature, ocean, doorknob, G.O.D. aka group of drunks), something that one must develop to stay sober. Usually the alcoholic makes their lover their HP without even knowing it, leading to relapse down the line. People are fallible and make mistakes, you can't solely depend on them.
Now, are there exceptions to this rule? sure. I thought I would be one. My man got sober after a year of LITERAL hell and everything was "great" until he found bottle of percocet and there went everything. I realized he needed to be alone and so did I if we were to have any chance at being happy, together or apart.
"hope at all or success stories? Tales of time away helping the Alcoholic gain perspective and start working on recovery and the relationship enduring?"
Yes, there are, but they are rare. Listen to what you hear here. I went though post dating back 5 years and followed peoples stories, just to see their trajectory. I even had a best friend at the time who had gone through the EXACT same thing, but I needed to learn it for myself.
The question is, really, how much are you willing to give up to be with this person? Are you willing to wait it out and sacrifice more months/years with the possibility that they could relapse at ANY time? I thought I was willing to give up anything because I love this man so much, but as time went on I realized I wanted to live my life, not in this constant "newcomer"/crisis mindset.
Keep coming here and DEF check out alanon!!!! Learning to keep the focus on yourself WILL set you free.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow - some good responses here. I don't think I can say it any better.
Except for one thing - I am a success story. Not because of my relationship, but because of how I changed MY life. There are many success stories here - just not the kind that you are looking for. That's because us success stories have learned it is not the relationship that matters, but how we approach our lives that matters the most. So we keep the focus on ourselves instead of playing mind games and future tripping about something external to ourselves.
So yes - there are many success stories here.
Except for one thing - I am a success story. Not because of my relationship, but because of how I changed MY life. There are many success stories here - just not the kind that you are looking for. That's because us success stories have learned it is not the relationship that matters, but how we approach our lives that matters the most. So we keep the focus on ourselves instead of playing mind games and future tripping about something external to ourselves.
So yes - there are many success stories here.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Wow - some good responses here. I don't think I can say it any better.
Except for one thing - I am a success story. Not because of my relationship, but because of how I changed MY life. There are many success stories here - just not the kind that you are looking for. That's because us success stories have learned it is not the relationship that matters, but how we approach our lives that matters the most. So we keep the focus on ourselves instead of playing mind games and future tripping about something external to ourselves.
So yes - there are many success stories here.
Except for one thing - I am a success story. Not because of my relationship, but because of how I changed MY life. There are many success stories here - just not the kind that you are looking for. That's because us success stories have learned it is not the relationship that matters, but how we approach our lives that matters the most. So we keep the focus on ourselves instead of playing mind games and future tripping about something external to ourselves.
So yes - there are many success stories here.
Yes there are lots of success stories here and I am one of them also. I have learned I am enough just as I am. I don't need someone else to "complete me". I have my own life and life is good, really really good.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
So sorry to hear you are going through this. I promise you it does get a lot better as time goes on.
My story was very similar to yours and it evolved into something ugly, as these things often do. It is very true that addicts do not have relationships, they take hostages. Stockholm syndrome? I don't know, but you will make excuses for them and ultimately distort your own reality (and sacrifice your own needs) in order to justify the relationship. You will have to since all the facts and evidence prove this person does not have your best interest at heart and is toxic. The mind perceives a threat... You will be forced to live a lie and your own brain will be forced to adapt to that lie. This will wreak havoc on your mind, body, and soul. Active addicts act as sociopaths, they have no remorse, conscience, and use and hurt people. Their own defense mechanisms and disease won't allow them to see this, and they will deflect blame to the very people they are hurting. In his mind he has demonized YOU. He has left YOU. It's YOUR fault for not being exciting enough, or whatever lie he's told himself to rationalize his treatment and abandonment of you (i.e. you don't enable his addiction anymore so he is done with you and onto the next eager enabler because he does not have the capacity to truly love you or anyone). You can imagine what this does to a person.
And yes, the grass is ALWAYS greener with them. Many addicts are thrill seekers operating at a very base level, almost like children. They act on impulse with the intention of getting their basic needs met. Think...ZOMBIES!!! And when they leave you and run off with whatever guy/gal is currently stroking their ego and providing an escape (people are addictive too)...guess what? They start all over again with this person and end up with the same outcome. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Sometimes they come back, and you let them back in, and the cycle plays itself out again. Some cycles last a lot longer than others.
Addiction is progressive, and you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. Also, the problem behaviors do not go away with the substance. The alcohol or drug is usually just a symptom of a much larger issue. I know you are going to do what you are going to do, and when I was all caught up with my XABF I didn't want to listen to anyone either (but, I love him and he is truly a good person and things could be so great IF only...), but this winding road never ends with them. Sure, they love you "in their own way", but that way is not at all enough to sustain a true partnership.
What do YOU want from a partner? The rest of your life is a long time, you deserve someone who is able to return the love you give to them.
My story was very similar to yours and it evolved into something ugly, as these things often do. It is very true that addicts do not have relationships, they take hostages. Stockholm syndrome? I don't know, but you will make excuses for them and ultimately distort your own reality (and sacrifice your own needs) in order to justify the relationship. You will have to since all the facts and evidence prove this person does not have your best interest at heart and is toxic. The mind perceives a threat... You will be forced to live a lie and your own brain will be forced to adapt to that lie. This will wreak havoc on your mind, body, and soul. Active addicts act as sociopaths, they have no remorse, conscience, and use and hurt people. Their own defense mechanisms and disease won't allow them to see this, and they will deflect blame to the very people they are hurting. In his mind he has demonized YOU. He has left YOU. It's YOUR fault for not being exciting enough, or whatever lie he's told himself to rationalize his treatment and abandonment of you (i.e. you don't enable his addiction anymore so he is done with you and onto the next eager enabler because he does not have the capacity to truly love you or anyone). You can imagine what this does to a person.
And yes, the grass is ALWAYS greener with them. Many addicts are thrill seekers operating at a very base level, almost like children. They act on impulse with the intention of getting their basic needs met. Think...ZOMBIES!!! And when they leave you and run off with whatever guy/gal is currently stroking their ego and providing an escape (people are addictive too)...guess what? They start all over again with this person and end up with the same outcome. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Sometimes they come back, and you let them back in, and the cycle plays itself out again. Some cycles last a lot longer than others.
Addiction is progressive, and you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. Also, the problem behaviors do not go away with the substance. The alcohol or drug is usually just a symptom of a much larger issue. I know you are going to do what you are going to do, and when I was all caught up with my XABF I didn't want to listen to anyone either (but, I love him and he is truly a good person and things could be so great IF only...), but this winding road never ends with them. Sure, they love you "in their own way", but that way is not at all enough to sustain a true partnership.
What do YOU want from a partner? The rest of your life is a long time, you deserve someone who is able to return the love you give to them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"Gah! I know this is so ridiculous and it may all seem so needy and silly. I just can not reconcile the man who used to watch me sleep and stroke my cheeks at night with this heartless, raging alcoholic with no conscience who has dumped me for his ex."
Abandonedluv,
Your last paragragh jumped out at me.
I also had to accept that the kind hearted, gentle loving , smart, sensitive guy, was being consumed by the disease. That man no longer existed. I was left with a memory and a shell of a man. I am so sorry to say, it is what it is. No sense in trying to second guess the situation, his actions have spoken.
I am sorry that you are hurting.
Educate yourself regarding this disease, read the stickies at the top of the threads, there is such a wealth of information. Once I had a clear understanding about this awful disease, the hurt lessoned, knowledge is power.
You may not be able to acknowledge this today, but I am pretty sure you just dodged a bullet.
I agree with Dollydo, get back out there and live the life that awaits you. It's going to get easier in time. Take care of you..............
Abandonedluv,
Your last paragragh jumped out at me.
I also had to accept that the kind hearted, gentle loving , smart, sensitive guy, was being consumed by the disease. That man no longer existed. I was left with a memory and a shell of a man. I am so sorry to say, it is what it is. No sense in trying to second guess the situation, his actions have spoken.
I am sorry that you are hurting.
Educate yourself regarding this disease, read the stickies at the top of the threads, there is such a wealth of information. Once I had a clear understanding about this awful disease, the hurt lessoned, knowledge is power.
You may not be able to acknowledge this today, but I am pretty sure you just dodged a bullet.
I agree with Dollydo, get back out there and live the life that awaits you. It's going to get easier in time. Take care of you..............
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Oooh, what marie1960 said...
I used to say to myself and others, "Who did I fall in love with? That person didn't even exist..."
But you know what? Based on the very BEST aspects of my exA I was able to begin to compile a list of what I wanted in a partner. My exA was NOT the person I wanted to be with, but the very best aspects of my ex were things I DID want in a partner.
And now it seems like I have met someone who meets the criteria on my "must have" list, someone who DOES NOT have the characteristics that are on my "unacceptable to me" list. And in all honesty, my exA fell into a lot of categories of my "unacceptable" list, but I didn't know that until my heart had been ripped out, stomped on, yelled at, blamed and passed-out on. Then, and ONLY then, was I in enough pain to do something about how I was allowing myself to be treated.
I'm a success story, too. Damn, it feels good to say that.
Glad you're here with us, abandonedluv~
posie
I used to say to myself and others, "Who did I fall in love with? That person didn't even exist..."
But you know what? Based on the very BEST aspects of my exA I was able to begin to compile a list of what I wanted in a partner. My exA was NOT the person I wanted to be with, but the very best aspects of my ex were things I DID want in a partner.
And now it seems like I have met someone who meets the criteria on my "must have" list, someone who DOES NOT have the characteristics that are on my "unacceptable to me" list. And in all honesty, my exA fell into a lot of categories of my "unacceptable" list, but I didn't know that until my heart had been ripped out, stomped on, yelled at, blamed and passed-out on. Then, and ONLY then, was I in enough pain to do something about how I was allowing myself to be treated.
I'm a success story, too. Damn, it feels good to say that.
Glad you're here with us, abandonedluv~
posie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Harrisburg, PA
Posts: 46
Marie,
I have been in the same shoes as you. My boy friend began binge drinking and once ended up at his xgf's house after one of them. Alcoholics use alcohol as an escape, from something whether it is their past or a current problem, just feeling terrible about themselves, etc. He is not drinking because of you, and if he needs to go from you to someone else it is because he is acting out of fear of being alone. Alcoholics act out of fear all of the time.
I can't say if he will come back or not, but I would say that you shouldn't want him to until he is serious about recovery. There is hope and there are success stories, maybe attend an open AA speaker meeting - you will meet people who lived in addiction and were able to climb out of it and lead happy lives.
If there is no recovery there will be no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Try to take care of yourself, I know it is hard and you are probably not eating or sleeping just as I wasn't not that long ago. Set boundaries for yourself so you know how to react if he does come back. I did that, and it has helped me get through hard times. For example, I was not willing to be with an alcoholic who was not in recovery. He had a choice to make, I couldn't make that for him, but I had a choice as well.
It can take a long time for someone to accept their disease, after all the first step is simply the acknowledgment that there is a problem. So don't set expectations at all, but instead get the knowledge you need to make the healthiest choices for you no matter what situation arises.
Good luck with everything.
Hugs
I have been in the same shoes as you. My boy friend began binge drinking and once ended up at his xgf's house after one of them. Alcoholics use alcohol as an escape, from something whether it is their past or a current problem, just feeling terrible about themselves, etc. He is not drinking because of you, and if he needs to go from you to someone else it is because he is acting out of fear of being alone. Alcoholics act out of fear all of the time.
I can't say if he will come back or not, but I would say that you shouldn't want him to until he is serious about recovery. There is hope and there are success stories, maybe attend an open AA speaker meeting - you will meet people who lived in addiction and were able to climb out of it and lead happy lives.
If there is no recovery there will be no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Try to take care of yourself, I know it is hard and you are probably not eating or sleeping just as I wasn't not that long ago. Set boundaries for yourself so you know how to react if he does come back. I did that, and it has helped me get through hard times. For example, I was not willing to be with an alcoholic who was not in recovery. He had a choice to make, I couldn't make that for him, but I had a choice as well.
It can take a long time for someone to accept their disease, after all the first step is simply the acknowledgment that there is a problem. So don't set expectations at all, but instead get the knowledge you need to make the healthiest choices for you no matter what situation arises.
Good luck with everything.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 34
update
Hello all,
It has been a few months since I posted first on this site. I left for a while thinking that I had finally convinced my bf to get the help he needed. He decided not to take off for this trip and I thought "wow, maybe things will change". He was refused flight because he was too drunk for boarding and also had taken two Ativan given to him by his alcoholic mother. He resolved not to go and made some appointments.
But like everyone here predicted, it just became a cycle of promising to change, then going out on the weekends to get hammered and come home to me and beg forgiveness again. I finally told him, two weeks ago, that I would stand for it no longer. That if he came home in the early hours of the morning, drunk, ONE MORE TIME that was it. He left our place on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts with his best friend. SWEARING he was not going to drink. That he was going to be home early and would never ruin our christmas.
He showed up at 2am, trashed.
I packed up his things while he slept. Slipped my key off his key chain and the building swipe card out of his wallet. He woke up, saw the bags and proceeded to continue to pack with no protest.
My christmas was topped off by a call from him. Asking if I would take him back. I said no, and he immediately let me know that he was leaving for Australia in 48 hours as his mother bought him a ticket to replace the one he lost out of drukeness the month before.
So here I sit. I asked that he never contact me again. Our band is broken up, my apartment is half empty as is my heart. I was thinking this morning about why I put up with this for so long. I can not really say its because of self esteem issues on my part. As I am know I am educated, good looking, young, talented. I am a good person. A good friend. I just really, really loved who I thought this man was when I met him and I was not willing to just let him go into the darkness. Am I deluded? I dont know. I guess now all I can do is start the healing for real. Erase the debris that is left of him from my life and move on...
It has been a few months since I posted first on this site. I left for a while thinking that I had finally convinced my bf to get the help he needed. He decided not to take off for this trip and I thought "wow, maybe things will change". He was refused flight because he was too drunk for boarding and also had taken two Ativan given to him by his alcoholic mother. He resolved not to go and made some appointments.
But like everyone here predicted, it just became a cycle of promising to change, then going out on the weekends to get hammered and come home to me and beg forgiveness again. I finally told him, two weeks ago, that I would stand for it no longer. That if he came home in the early hours of the morning, drunk, ONE MORE TIME that was it. He left our place on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts with his best friend. SWEARING he was not going to drink. That he was going to be home early and would never ruin our christmas.
He showed up at 2am, trashed.
I packed up his things while he slept. Slipped my key off his key chain and the building swipe card out of his wallet. He woke up, saw the bags and proceeded to continue to pack with no protest.
My christmas was topped off by a call from him. Asking if I would take him back. I said no, and he immediately let me know that he was leaving for Australia in 48 hours as his mother bought him a ticket to replace the one he lost out of drukeness the month before.
So here I sit. I asked that he never contact me again. Our band is broken up, my apartment is half empty as is my heart. I was thinking this morning about why I put up with this for so long. I can not really say its because of self esteem issues on my part. As I am know I am educated, good looking, young, talented. I am a good person. A good friend. I just really, really loved who I thought this man was when I met him and I was not willing to just let him go into the darkness. Am I deluded? I dont know. I guess now all I can do is start the healing for real. Erase the debris that is left of him from my life and move on...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 63
This is a great thread for me right now. My girlfriend asked me what it is that I missed about my RAXB, and I said lots of things our compatibility, our companionship, the way he treated us when he was healthy, the way we treated each other and didn't make each other our higher powers when we were just friends. BUT every time we were in a "relationship", all our sickies would come out and things would get ugly. So at least I have a good start for the list of what I will and will not look for in a partner when I am ready to go there again...
I also want to point out that just because someone has been in recovery for years, does NOT mean that they are healthy. My sponsor says that she knows plenty of RA's that realized, after years of working a program, that they had never really been "working" their program. My RAXBF has been in recovery for 8 years, but he is still a VERY sick person. So just because you find someone who is in recovery doesn't mean they are "cured".
I also want to point out that just because someone has been in recovery for years, does NOT mean that they are healthy. My sponsor says that she knows plenty of RA's that realized, after years of working a program, that they had never really been "working" their program. My RAXBF has been in recovery for 8 years, but he is still a VERY sick person. So just because you find someone who is in recovery doesn't mean they are "cured".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
"Ive heard that any recovery program does not advise serious relationships or relationships at all. Is this true?" Yes, this is true. It's generally accepted in AA that being a partner to someone else, especially someone who you've hurt and needs attention, takes the focus away from your recovery. Also, in someones first year they undergo many changes (if they work a program). Sometimes being in a relationship is too much to take.
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