Thruthethorns

New here. Husband recovering (I hope) from Rx pain med addiction-opiates, real trouble started this year - taking his month supply 100 pills in 1-2 weeks. Went to rehab, but left program early. Been out for 6 weeks. In intensive counseling after work-but it is my fault he is there. Is is ok to ask him what step he is on in his recovery? I don't think he is really open with his therapist or group. I just moved out with our teen daughter because of money being spent, lying, cheating & lots of verbal abuse & he told me to get out, hated me, wanted divorce, etc. But since I have moved out he says he can't believe that this has happened. My question is - Why is he still out of touch with what has happened and what he did? Will he remember? Lord knows I am just starting to stop the memories from running thru my mind. We have been married 16 years and I feel like the man I knew is just.... gone. Is he?

Ann

I don't know why he is the way he is except that addiction does serious damage to the addicts and to their relationship with loved ones. Addiction truly is a family disease.

Something that has helped many of us here has been to find meetings and through them find our balance again while surrounding ourself with support.

You are wise to keep a safe distance while you decide what is best for you and your daughter. Living with addiction draws us into the darkness along with the addict.

Take a read around, especially the sticky threads at the top and you will find a lot of useful information.

Hugs

dollydo

All I can say is that his recovery is his business, and, he will share what he wants to share. As for the steps, if he is not in a Naranon program, I do not know how the steps would apply. To me, leaving the rehab program is not a good sign, shows a lack of dedication and real willingness to embrace recovery.

Right now his mind a pool of mush, there is no clarity, no real connection to the whys and wherefors of what he did and honestly if he is like my exabf he may never have a clue. If you have no expectations, you will never be disappointed.

There is more than one issue going on with him, aside from being an addict, he is also a cheater, different ball game.

I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum, attend Naranon meetings and read others posts, it will help you to understand what you arew dealing with.

Work on you, his recovery is his to handle, concentrate on you, your recovery from codependency, whether you realize it or not, you are codependent.

Thruthethorns

Thank you. I guess I got so wrapped up in trying to fix things, it took friends and family and a counselor to shake me up and tell me that I was not living a normal life. I am doing better - ignored all his "weird" calls today and text-arguing messages. I told him to leave a message if it has to do with our daughter, but it is getting easier to cut the tie. I think that everytime I think "Did I do the right thing?" He does or says something really cruel to let me know that I am in the right place with my daughter by having moved out. I sure didn't plan on doing this at 48!! But I just keep rolling along.

addictionwife

Thruthethorns, isn't it amazing how easily we can get sucked right in by even a glimpse of the person you wish they were again? I think that is what I'm struggling with the most. You are right though, concentrate on you and your daughter and let thing happen as they will. I think that's all we can do, that and maybe keep a little hope on the back burner without letting it guide our decisions? It's been so helpful for me just coming on here and running things by everyone else. I already know the answer really, but it helps having someone say it. Good luck!!

outtolunch

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Let him be.

You did well, by removing your child from this situation.

hello-kitty

Welcome. It doesn't sound like he's truly in recovery. He's just acting like a dry drunk (if he's even truly clean).

There's a joke:

It seems you are making wise choices for you and your daughter. I'm glad you found us for support. Addiction is a family disease and you've been traumatized by everything that you've been through. That's normal. We need recovery and help as much as the addict does. Maybe even more so. I'm glad you are in counseling. I hope you are making progress. Coming here and sharing is also very helpful.

Just know you can't fix him or change him. People change as they age - for whatever reason. Drugs are one reason. Lack of maturity is another reason. People also change for the better. We can become wiser and stronger and more secure in ourselves. We are not the same people we were when we were in our 20s. Whatever the reason that someone changes, we have to learn that we didn't cause it. We can't control it. We can't cure it. Especially when drugs are involved.

There's a great book called Co-Dependent No More. I know you don't live with him anymore but I think it could help you become more comfortable with your choices, and where you are now, and why.

Keep reading and posting. And keep up the personal boundaries. We all deserve to be treated with respect and basic human dignity all the time, not just occasional glimmers of it when someone is feeling generous or like they want to try to manipulate us. It's ok to not accept that kind of behavior in your life. You deserve better.

verylost

He probably is gone for now. I talked to my AH last night and I might as well have been talking to a stranger on the street. I hope you can learn to relax in your new place with just your daughter. My AH has been gone a few weeks...and it's so different. All I have to worry about is me and the kids and I've realized it's much easier to make a decision when someone isn't beating you down and questioning everything you do.

Read what outtolunch wrote several times...it's the truth!