new at this did I handle it right?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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new at this did I handle it right?
So, brief history. RAH and I are seperated. He is going to AA and has been nice for about 5 weeks. I am a codependent all the way and learned it growing up from an mentally abusive father and sister.
So, I take my son to a therapist today and of course the RAH wants me to call and tell him how it went. She says because I do not want to seem like I am talking down to my 9 year old son about his dad that he should be the one to talk about his recovery and why we are seperated so that he can have time to work on his addiction and what that means.
So, of course right away RAH assumes I told her all of it was his fault and starts right in on did I share the other reasons. So, I asked him "What are the other reasons from your point?" and he answers "So, now were going back a step and why don't you tell me?" The whole answering a question with a question thing. He started trying to come up with answers and of course throws right back in my face things I shared the other day because I started to trust him again. How could those be reasons 5 weeks later? And what I told him was about thinking the codependency started with my dad. I was not even trying to start a fight. I really wanted him to verbalize what he thought the problems were and thought he could.
So, it ended with him trying to say you get mad when some of the blame gets put on you. I said no I am not going to let you talk to me like that anymore. He can't have a normal conversation about life without it turning into sarcasm, turning questions back on me, or putting me down. I said tell the kids goodnight gave the phone to them and did not talk to him. I am trying so hard to not again explain why I am angry which know will end up in another fight. How do do this diffrently? Was it just too soon? Did I do the right thing just ended the conversation? I have to talk to him tomorrow he gets the kids? What then?
So, I take my son to a therapist today and of course the RAH wants me to call and tell him how it went. She says because I do not want to seem like I am talking down to my 9 year old son about his dad that he should be the one to talk about his recovery and why we are seperated so that he can have time to work on his addiction and what that means.
So, of course right away RAH assumes I told her all of it was his fault and starts right in on did I share the other reasons. So, I asked him "What are the other reasons from your point?" and he answers "So, now were going back a step and why don't you tell me?" The whole answering a question with a question thing. He started trying to come up with answers and of course throws right back in my face things I shared the other day because I started to trust him again. How could those be reasons 5 weeks later? And what I told him was about thinking the codependency started with my dad. I was not even trying to start a fight. I really wanted him to verbalize what he thought the problems were and thought he could.
So, it ended with him trying to say you get mad when some of the blame gets put on you. I said no I am not going to let you talk to me like that anymore. He can't have a normal conversation about life without it turning into sarcasm, turning questions back on me, or putting me down. I said tell the kids goodnight gave the phone to them and did not talk to him. I am trying so hard to not again explain why I am angry which know will end up in another fight. How do do this diffrently? Was it just too soon? Did I do the right thing just ended the conversation? I have to talk to him tomorrow he gets the kids? What then?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
IMO, yes you did the right thing, I would have ended the conversation as soon as he started to attack me. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person.
Tomorrow? I would stick to the business at hand, discuss what you must, don't let him draw you back into his web, he will never understand your anger, he is too involved in his train of thought....me, me, I,I. It is part of the disease, people with addiction problems are selfish and self-centered, it is all about them.
Tomorrow? I would stick to the business at hand, discuss what you must, don't let him draw you back into his web, he will never understand your anger, he is too involved in his train of thought....me, me, I,I. It is part of the disease, people with addiction problems are selfish and self-centered, it is all about them.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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I knew I needed to stop the conversation and that was progress. In the past I would of just kept trying to explain what I meant and not where the conversation was. I know that is progress. But still need to say it!
I am so angry that he threw the codependency crap about us seperating and that I am controling in my face. All this and if I wasn't a codependent and controling he would not have th job he has today, We would of lost our house, and I have raised our kids while he was working 50 to 60 hours a week. Not to mention supported us threw all of it so he could chas a dream to be a golf pro that never happened. UGH! Now I am just back to being mad after so much progress. He was so helpful this week because I have conferences and has been so helpful. How can one conversation take me right back?
I am so angry that he threw the codependency crap about us seperating and that I am controling in my face. All this and if I wasn't a codependent and controling he would not have th job he has today, We would of lost our house, and I have raised our kids while he was working 50 to 60 hours a week. Not to mention supported us threw all of it so he could chas a dream to be a golf pro that never happened. UGH! Now I am just back to being mad after so much progress. He was so helpful this week because I have conferences and has been so helpful. How can one conversation take me right back?
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Wow Brownhorse.... I'm right there with you! You did the right thing in cutting the conversation off. That was you respecting your boundary and needs.
I had a conversation with my AH regarding our divorce today. He tried baiting me into a fight over something nonsensical... I could tell he wanted a fight. He was full of guilt and anger over the expenses we are racking up... And he wanted me to fight so I could participate in his anger. Nope, I won't do that to myself. I promptly said, "I am going back to work now and hanging up the phone. Good bye." he was pissed. I heard him scream as I hung up my phone.
I too probably shouldn't have even taken the call - but I knew enough to draw the line and end it before I got hurt. We need to focus on our growth... Reward ourselves for a job well done! That... Will help keep us from spinning out of control. Focus on how you want to live and you will inevitably grow in that direction
Girl, you done good!!!
P.S. One thing that helps me is remembering that my AH's opinions of me are just that... His, not mine. What he thinks of me is none of my business.
I had a conversation with my AH regarding our divorce today. He tried baiting me into a fight over something nonsensical... I could tell he wanted a fight. He was full of guilt and anger over the expenses we are racking up... And he wanted me to fight so I could participate in his anger. Nope, I won't do that to myself. I promptly said, "I am going back to work now and hanging up the phone. Good bye." he was pissed. I heard him scream as I hung up my phone.
I too probably shouldn't have even taken the call - but I knew enough to draw the line and end it before I got hurt. We need to focus on our growth... Reward ourselves for a job well done! That... Will help keep us from spinning out of control. Focus on how you want to live and you will inevitably grow in that direction
Girl, you done good!!!
P.S. One thing that helps me is remembering that my AH's opinions of me are just that... His, not mine. What he thinks of me is none of my business.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"How can one conversation take me right back? "
Progress, not perfection, all this recovery stuff takes time, we codies all do the same things, and for many, over and over again...we want to be heard, we want to be appreciated, we want to be loved...the only thing we don't get is that we need to love ourselves first, we need to appreciate ourselves first...and then we don't need to be heard, as we already know the truth....and, that's all that matters.
You are doing just fine, this is all new to you, be patient, keep your resolve and stay focused and calm.
Tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity for greatness!
Progress, not perfection, all this recovery stuff takes time, we codies all do the same things, and for many, over and over again...we want to be heard, we want to be appreciated, we want to be loved...the only thing we don't get is that we need to love ourselves first, we need to appreciate ourselves first...and then we don't need to be heard, as we already know the truth....and, that's all that matters.
You are doing just fine, this is all new to you, be patient, keep your resolve and stay focused and calm.
Tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity for greatness!
Thru the thorns to peace
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Eastern NC
Posts: 5
Hi- my husband does the same thing. You would think the man doesn't know how to say "Goodbye" he just hangs up on me. My daughter told me to cut the ties - it is hard. I have changed his ring tone to a realy irritating sounds so I just hit silence...I feel mean but I can stop the irritation from getting me down.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Dollydo is right. Recovery takes time. (And you're doing just fine!) We didn't learn how by react in a codependent manner overnight, and we won't unlearn it that quick either.
I think it's human nature to try to try to clarify our point when some one misunderstands. The thing is, there are some people who just won't hear what we say, no matter how we say it, because they seem to have an auto-translate filter that skews conversations to fit their needs (or their addiction's needs).
In discussions with XAH, and his entourage of enablers, it's helped me A LOT to keep it short, sweet and to the point. Just the facts, ma'am, just the facts. When the urge to respond to an emotional barrage shows up, I try to take a deep breath, and start the next sentence out of my mouth with, "The fact is...." and return to the fact under discussion rather than a feeling or trying to defend myself against their blameshifting.
Hang in there.
(Thruthethorns - I changed my ringtone for XAH and his enablers to a duck quacking. No need to take THAT call right now...)
I think it's human nature to try to try to clarify our point when some one misunderstands. The thing is, there are some people who just won't hear what we say, no matter how we say it, because they seem to have an auto-translate filter that skews conversations to fit their needs (or their addiction's needs).
In discussions with XAH, and his entourage of enablers, it's helped me A LOT to keep it short, sweet and to the point. Just the facts, ma'am, just the facts. When the urge to respond to an emotional barrage shows up, I try to take a deep breath, and start the next sentence out of my mouth with, "The fact is...." and return to the fact under discussion rather than a feeling or trying to defend myself against their blameshifting.
Hang in there.
(Thruthethorns - I changed my ringtone for XAH and his enablers to a duck quacking. No need to take THAT call right now...)
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
(Thruthethorns - I changed my ringtone for XAH and his enablers to a duck quacking. No need to take THAT call right now...)
Brownhorse, nobody is perfect, and nobody can do everything right - especially not right away. There are going to be slips, and there are going to be mistakes, and you just have to try your best. Soon you'll learn that you're picking up on my mistakes faster, and then you'll start realizing that you've been successfully navigating to avoid other mistakes that were a problem for you in the past.
It takes time, and so you can take your time. I've heard someone say once that the reason those in AA get chips for their anniversaries and people like us do not is because we'd be starting over every single day, and it's true.
Mistakes are okay, it's whether or not you learn from them and keep moving forward in spite of them that determines how well you're doing in your recovery. It sounds like you recognized that you were falling into the same traps, and you pulled yourself away from them before you got sucked in too deep. That's a great thing! You are learning, and that's what matters.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 51
Ditto to what everyone said.
I also think this might be helpful to you, it was/is for me!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nipulator.html
I also think this might be helpful to you, it was/is for me!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nipulator.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
OMG You guys are amazing and just what I need. We have agreed to disagree after a few crazy texts today. He was going to have my kids and if he is mad at me I do not trust him. So, I needed to feel comfortable. I had parent/teacher conferences and could not miss them. I am the teacher.
Texted him "I am not and will not argue with you. I will just say what I am working on is me being healthy and happy. The first thing I literally learned is that I can not be responsible for how anyone feels. Also, my feelings and what I choose to let bother me is my fault. Doesn't mean you can just go around and be mean to people but detach myself from things I can not control."
and what he got from that "so you are not going to put it behind you and your going to focus on yourself....nice, I guess if that is what makes you healthy, good for you then"
Texted him "I am not and will not argue with you. I will just say what I am working on is me being healthy and happy. The first thing I literally learned is that I can not be responsible for how anyone feels. Also, my feelings and what I choose to let bother me is my fault. Doesn't mean you can just go around and be mean to people but detach myself from things I can not control."
and what he got from that "so you are not going to put it behind you and your going to focus on yourself....nice, I guess if that is what makes you healthy, good for you then"
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