kck75

I joined SR a couple of days ago and decided that today is the day that I will finally post. Here's a little background about me....I have been addicted to pain pills for about 15 years. I have tried to quit countless times but never the right way. I tried to hide my addiction from everyone I cared about so asking for help wasn't an option for me when I first tried to stop. I sobered up 3 years ago for about a year and in that time I met my wife. After a few months of dating I started to secretly use again. Since I hadn't gone to any meetings or anything really I didn't really know how to stay clean. I just did it once in a while at first but I soon was out of control again. So she basicly married me not knowing how screwed up I was. So over the last 2 years she has tried to keep our family together(3 kids) and Ive tried(kind of) to get clean. For me, as long as everyone else thought that I was clean then thats as far as I was willing to go. Ive been clean 10 days now and am trying so desperately to learn to like myself again. I'm having a hard time finding a reason to like me. After all my wife is the best person I've ever known. I love her so much and all she wants from me is to get better. Ive broken her spirit and have put us into a huge whole financially. Ive lied to her so many times to get my fix. I have been a horrible person yet she fought for us harder than I did when I was the one screwing our life up. So 2 weeks ago I pawned our xbox 360(ive done this a lot with our stuff) to get high and she had finally had enough. She left me saying she loves me but only I can help myself at this point. She wont file for divorce yet but she wont allow herself or our kids to live this way any more. Then she took the kids and went to her parents. I cried for 48 hours straight thinking about how everyone would be better off if I was just gone. But then something just clicked in my head that I don't want to die, I want to live. But really live this time, without guilt, without lies, without causing pain. So I'm 10 days in and looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going to meetings everyday before work and when I'm at home I'm reading posts and trying to stay busy. She is reluctantly optimistic about my recovery this time and I can't blame her for being cautious because Ive given her no reason to expect me to change from my past actions. She had kept my addiction from her parents and friends up until a couple weeks ago but now everyone knows what I have been putting her through and now they all know what kind of a man Ive been... I'm so ashamed of myself. Why didn't everything click before all this??? The only answer I can think of is that it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I'm finally ready to stay clean this time. I just hope it's in time to be able to rebuild trust with the love of my life, my best friend, the woman who loved me when I hated me. I was supposed to be her protector yet I was the one she needed protection from...Its hard to think about....

If I can do it, so can you

Dee74

welcome to SR kck75

Thanks for sharing your story - sometimes I guess it takes what it takes for us to wake up? It was that way for me too - better late than never tho

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here

D

eJoshua

Welcome to SR!

Glad to hear that you are going to meetings, sounds like you desperately need some face to face support right now.

Best wishes, keep posting!

ReadyAndAble

Hi, kck, glad you posted!

I think it's pretty common for us all to wish we had quit sooner than we did. But you're right, what matters is today.

Like I said, what matters is today. And today you 're one day closer to a happier future. Debts can be paid, and reputations restored. It just takes time, commitment, and patience. Try to take heart in the fact that you're already taking the most important step in that journey. Congrats on 10 days.

Scolova

I sure do know about taking things to the pawn shop, makes me cringe to think back to those days. Wish I could've slapped myself out of it back then instead of going another 10 years in a downward spiral to the bottom. Glad you have been able to detox and are thinking about your life\family, good luck on your road to recovery.

NewBeginning010

Thanks for sharing, its great that you are doing this. Dont be hard on yourself, addiction is hard.. very hard.

Forgive yourself for the past & live in the present, that is all that you have anyway (now). You wont be able to do this with your heart filled with self hate, be easy on yourself & look in the mirror with pride at the new man in the mirror. The one that is going to fight & beat this disease into the ground & earn his wife & kids back for the rest of his life.

All of your lives will be so much better. Stick around & keep sharing, every positive support system helps & this is one of them. You have already done well by committing & following up with your promise to post, there are thousands that come here every day that never make that first step.

Lastly, my quote is a great place to start \/ Cheers~ NB