Seeking Support in Self Care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Seeking Support in Self Care
Greetings All. I joined this forum just five short days ago and started writing as my EXABF was packing his things to move out of my house after a two year relationship. I am starting this thread because I want to honor myself enough to ask for your support and encouragement. Even though I have been responding to others posts from my own place of "experience strength and hope" I have not started a post as my own sort of place from which to let my own golden thread reveal itself.
I feel strong but I am afraid. I feel clarity but I feel vulnerable.
I know that the man I love is strong and he rebounds quickly from his disappearing binges. I guess it is some selfish love needing part in myself that wants to hold on to his dear voice, his most tender touches, his playfulness, his willingness to explore, his keen interest and brilliant intelligence, his insight into recovery and psychology and healing understanding and presence.
There are so many deeply beautiful ways that he shows up in my world, it is like a mystical gift that I was given...and with it comes the price of his addiction. With it comes his lies to protect his use, with it comes the slipperyness of mistrust and fear. I know I cannot live with an active addict. In my commitment to recovery (almost 6 years AA and 1 year Al Anon) I have come to understand this for myself.
But I know that in his resilience and strength he will show up brilliant and beautiful again in a short time. I struggle so much with what feels like hairline boundaries between punishing and compassion; enabling and support for recovery; lying & pleasing conversations and open honest delving into spirit.
The truth is that he is both, and I absolutely love one side of him. I have fought really hard to stand present and witness for him, to try to help him in his struggle which truly is addled. Bi Polar, ADD, Abuse & Recalcitrant Addiction...because I wanted him. I wanted that brilliance, that playfulness, that soul mate quality that we share.
Please help me, letting him go is such a powerful practice. I know I can't do it alone. I believe that I have gone deep into my heart and soul to do the right thing...but I also know that doubt wants to interrupt me.
I feel strong but I am afraid. I feel clarity but I feel vulnerable.
I know that the man I love is strong and he rebounds quickly from his disappearing binges. I guess it is some selfish love needing part in myself that wants to hold on to his dear voice, his most tender touches, his playfulness, his willingness to explore, his keen interest and brilliant intelligence, his insight into recovery and psychology and healing understanding and presence.
There are so many deeply beautiful ways that he shows up in my world, it is like a mystical gift that I was given...and with it comes the price of his addiction. With it comes his lies to protect his use, with it comes the slipperyness of mistrust and fear. I know I cannot live with an active addict. In my commitment to recovery (almost 6 years AA and 1 year Al Anon) I have come to understand this for myself.
But I know that in his resilience and strength he will show up brilliant and beautiful again in a short time. I struggle so much with what feels like hairline boundaries between punishing and compassion; enabling and support for recovery; lying & pleasing conversations and open honest delving into spirit.
The truth is that he is both, and I absolutely love one side of him. I have fought really hard to stand present and witness for him, to try to help him in his struggle which truly is addled. Bi Polar, ADD, Abuse & Recalcitrant Addiction...because I wanted him. I wanted that brilliance, that playfulness, that soul mate quality that we share.
Please help me, letting him go is such a powerful practice. I know I can't do it alone. I believe that I have gone deep into my heart and soul to do the right thing...but I also know that doubt wants to interrupt me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
leslie, congrats on your recovery! Your golden thread filled me with it's self truth and warmth and, from where I'm sitting, you're a wonderful witness for the miracle of recovery. I've just said a prayer that you continue to be blessed in your recovery, and that your loved one finds it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hey leslie-
that's a very heart-felt post. the only way i guess i can help you go through this is to say that we are all here to support you and many of us are going through the same thing. you described the two sides very well. there is the side you love, you love being with, you love looking forward too. if only that other side was not there. but it is. and you seem to have a good handle on things, maybe due to your own prior recovery.
your resolute is inspiring. the same is true for the others who have recently started their journey on their own healing. you have gone deep into yourself to do this and i believe you have the strength to get through this.
as i read your post i thought how great it would be if my alo felt that way about me, like i do about her! i think somewhere she does, but that other side just gets in the way.
no one wants to be alone during this as you said, so just know that people are here for you.
that's a very heart-felt post. the only way i guess i can help you go through this is to say that we are all here to support you and many of us are going through the same thing. you described the two sides very well. there is the side you love, you love being with, you love looking forward too. if only that other side was not there. but it is. and you seem to have a good handle on things, maybe due to your own prior recovery.
your resolute is inspiring. the same is true for the others who have recently started their journey on their own healing. you have gone deep into yourself to do this and i believe you have the strength to get through this.
as i read your post i thought how great it would be if my alo felt that way about me, like i do about her! i think somewhere she does, but that other side just gets in the way.
no one wants to be alone during this as you said, so just know that people are here for you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((lesliej))
welcome to our SR family!
Congrats on your sobriety & recovery time! That's awesome!
Prayers and positive thoughts for the best for you as you walk this path of self-respect, dignity and self worth for you in your relationship - to be able to make the healthiest decisions for YOU!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
welcome to our SR family!
Congrats on your sobriety & recovery time! That's awesome!
Prayers and positive thoughts for the best for you as you walk this path of self-respect, dignity and self worth for you in your relationship - to be able to make the healthiest decisions for YOU!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
thank you for these responses, there is something that is very heartwarming about this site. I like my face to face meetings but have to admit that the "no cross talk, no advice giving" guidelines...while I totally understand them...leave me feeling a little isolated at times. it feels like there is a certain freedom here to express our care and insight here. you can always take what you want and leave the rest right?! what feels good is that it seems like we use our own life situation and really respond kind of more directly and forthright to a person examining and opening up to discussion their own life, vulnerability, pain, and desire for recovery.
It just feels good to reach out there into space to you all...a continental constellation of people seeking assistance. It just feels good to be able to find connection here even late night...to check in. to read posts that seem so familiar, and to see with clarity that some stories seem so painfully obvious...and that mine is so obviously similar.
I will keep coming back. Thank you for sending me hope strength and prayers. we hold each other in faith...and in accountability too.
It just feels good to reach out there into space to you all...a continental constellation of people seeking assistance. It just feels good to be able to find connection here even late night...to check in. to read posts that seem so familiar, and to see with clarity that some stories seem so painfully obvious...and that mine is so obviously similar.
I will keep coming back. Thank you for sending me hope strength and prayers. we hold each other in faith...and in accountability too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Yes, the romance is verrrrrrrry difficult to let go of, I could go on and on and on about all the beautiful "signs" and connections that made our relationship so cool and perfect and I was so ready to marry him. This last time that he went out was a week ago. I had come home from having dinner with my daughter, I had told her how I wanted to marry him but that he had to stay clean for awhile. He didn't make it home that night. The same night I received a request to officiate a funeral for an addict. Another sign I guess.
There is a saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or life. My therapist is always referring to the idea that we call people into our life from whom we need to learn a lesson. Until we learn what we are supposed to learn we will keep having to relearn it. I have studied hard. He kept testing me. I went from "total freak out (F-)" two years ago... to this last time a "civil, adult, detach with love, self care, self respect, decision to not live with the lie (B+).
He has been in my life and I know there will be beautiful memories as a result. I will carry him in my heart and we will most likely have a "relationship" of some sort because we have some interconnected circles. My sponsor said one time "who knows, maybe he'll be at your wedding one day...as a friend." He has been in my life and I know already that he has taught me one of the biggest lessons in my life.
He has taught me the importance of loving my self.
I pray that he learns the same.
Some people are wounded healers and they just can't do it.
SO maybe that "special connection" that you feel is somehow related. The other thing is that addicts (and especially manic oriented) learn to become very charismatic and charming and pleasing...it is a way to survive. Chameleon like. When I look back at the long list of cool things that we did together I realize that most of them are "my" things...he just played along, and who wouldn't want to!? I do cool things.
There is a saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or life. My therapist is always referring to the idea that we call people into our life from whom we need to learn a lesson. Until we learn what we are supposed to learn we will keep having to relearn it. I have studied hard. He kept testing me. I went from "total freak out (F-)" two years ago... to this last time a "civil, adult, detach with love, self care, self respect, decision to not live with the lie (B+).
He has been in my life and I know there will be beautiful memories as a result. I will carry him in my heart and we will most likely have a "relationship" of some sort because we have some interconnected circles. My sponsor said one time "who knows, maybe he'll be at your wedding one day...as a friend." He has been in my life and I know already that he has taught me one of the biggest lessons in my life.
He has taught me the importance of loving my self.
I pray that he learns the same.
Some people are wounded healers and they just can't do it.
SO maybe that "special connection" that you feel is somehow related. The other thing is that addicts (and especially manic oriented) learn to become very charismatic and charming and pleasing...it is a way to survive. Chameleon like. When I look back at the long list of cool things that we did together I realize that most of them are "my" things...he just played along, and who wouldn't want to!? I do cool things.
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