arch2000

So I have reached the point where I am just stepping back from my AH's recovery. I am supportive and I listen when he wants to talk. I have my own counseling that I am involved in and I do try to go to a meeting with him here and there. I have not changed my plans or catered to him in any way. I am letting his actions speak for him because I still can't believe what comes out of his mouth, and I won't for a very long time. He is turning over all his paychecks to his parents and I have been catching up on the massive amount of bills he has caused us to accumulate. The biggest problem is his parents. they are wonderful people and I love them as if they were my own parents. However, they are so cynical about his recovery that it puts stress on me. I know that they are just as angry as I am but the negativity about the recovery process is not helping anyone. They also want to control how he recovers and everything he does. I feel like they are blocking him from doing what he should be trying to do on his own. They pop up at the house just to check to make sure he is there. I know they have driven by his job to see if the car was in the lot. It makes me nervous and I keep getting dragged into the whole "We have to do this for him because he won't do it himself". This is going against everything I am trying to do. They also keep telling me I should go to all of his meetings with him to make sure he actually goes. I don't want to drop everything 3 night a week and do that. I have a life and I have kids to take care of. How do I let them know for the hundredth time that he needs to do this for himself, and work his own program? I know they are scared, hell we all are, but he is not any of our responsibilities. He is almost 30 days sober and as of right now his counseling, going to meetings and seeking help from his doctor are helping him. We have a long road ahead of us and I can't keep going if they expect to control everything. I don't want to alienate anyone's feelings but so far I can't get throught to them. Have any of you had to deal with anything similar? Thanks for listening.

wellnowwhat

Cynical One has posted some great essays on this type of situation. Maybe if they can't "hear" you, they would read up on it and "see" themselves in some literature, if you provided them with copies. I wouldn't direct them to this Site. I would keep it just for you so you can share freely.

It sounds like they are just desperate to have your AH successfully recover and are wanting to "do something" rather than "let go". It's tough. Would they consider attending Alanon?

addictionwife

I'm dealing with something similar I suppose, although you are way ahead of me in the game so far! I'm still struggling with my own issues in all of this and trying to let him do his own thing, the way he needs to do it, and get myself better. I've got my father in law calling me constantly and calling my husband grilling him, asking him if he's used drugs today, did he go to a meeting, that sort of thing. I suspect that he has even come over here and searched the garage which although I did myself in the first few days a few times, is beyond his right to do. And my mother in law is still in total denial that her baby boy could do anything wrong. I've told them both that they need to back off, and let him work the steps. He's taken the action to get help, now let him go and do it. I would try and get them to a meeting with you if you can. I tried and it didn't work, but maybe it will work for you. Or give them a copy of some really good books on enabling and control. Those things are working for me, and I'm hoping they work for my in laws as well. Good luck, and congratulations to your husband for a month sober!

arch2000

I have suggested meetings for them and I actually did print up some stuff and hand it to them. I don't know if they read any of it. So far no one is interested in meetings. The meeting I have gone to have been NA with my AH, but I am seeing a separate counselor. The last time my mother-in-law basically shoved me out to an NA meeting with my AH I suggested she should go with him if she was concerned. Addictionwife my FIL also went through our house which he has a key to since they helped me get the house in the first place and they live aroung the corner so I felt better knowing they could get in if they had to. If they want to ransack their sons belongings that is his and their problem, but my personal belongings are still in the house and I did feel violated. I have nothing to hide but I value my privacy. Besides, who wants their FIL looking in their panty drawer? Wellnowwhat, I work in a book store so I have access to every book imagiable. I have brought home lists of books to my in-laws and I have tried to discuss what I have researched and learned. I think they just get more nervous. It is almost as exhausting dealing with their opinions as it is dealing with the addiction itself. They say the whole family goes through it and I firmly believe that is true.

YearForMe

Would they back off if they thought you were going to leave the situation entirely?

Chino

"Work the recovery program you wish they would"

It's doing for myself what I wish my loved ones would do. If I wish they'd go to meetings, I go to my own meetings. If I wish they'd see a therapist, that's what I do. Whatever I think they should do, I turn the mirror around and do it for myself. After all, we always say they have to want it for themselves, and we're no different.

My qualifier used to be my recovering and, God willing, very soon to be 24 year old daughter. Turns out I have a lot of qualifiers when it comes to codependency. It's every personal relationship I have because that's the nature of this beast. I'm the common denominator in all my dysfunctional relationships.

My husband is a pessimist about anything out of his control. I had to tell him over and over and over again, I can't listen to this, before I eventually had to walk away in anger or tears.

These days, because I've been consistent, he knows I'm going to walk away when he starts to spew. It doesn't stop him (he is who he is), but I stopped accepting and allowing his behavior. A couple of times I suggested meetings, invited him, gave him the name of my therapist and suggested getting a referral. Now I walk away and let it go. Sometimes I say something first, like honey I love you and I'm walking away now. I'm treating him the way I want to be treated, if the situation is reversed.

I got just as sick and tired of the whole dance with him, as I did with my daughter when she was active. After 28 years together, I'm teaching him how to treat me, all over again. Just as addiction affects entire families, so does my recovery. It kicked into high gear when I learned about boundaries, and holy cow I only had a few healthy ones.

I am the change I need in my world

MsPINKAcres

When I am faced with what I see as unhealthy behaviors of family members of the addicts/alcoholics in my life - I had to come up with a way that communicated to them that I couldn't react the same way, do the same thing without the attitude of "judging" them . . . cause you know I love those folks too - just like the addicts

So, when they started giving those "loving orders" of what I needed to do, or what they were going to do, etc. . . I try to say. . ."that sounds like something you can try, but for me; I've done that before & it didn't really work out the best. The heathiest thing for both of us was for me to do . . . ___________" and then try to give them some healthy recovery options.

Am I changing their opinions, minds, or actions? probably not. But maybe they will at least listen to another way.

Never hurts to give it a try & then they can at least hear my boundaries in a non-confrontational manner - hopefully things can slowly change toward the positive. . .

Just sharing my e, s, and h

PINK HUGS,
Rita

arch2000

Anvilhead, they are in charge of his paychecks because I am the one who left the house when all of this came to light. Most of the utilities are in my name and they made the deal with him to hand over his checks and then I would catch up on the bills. My goal is to get back into my home with my AH knowing I do not have any money on me. If things get bad and he wants money again he will know I do not have it on me. It was our way of protecting me and the kids. His drug counselor reccomended handing over all control of the finances to someone else. So in that sense his parents do have control as long as he does keep handing over the checks. I don't think my AH can man up to his parents. His dad has threatened to write him off completely if he doesn't follow their "rules". He comes from a very close knit family and fears losing them all. I just don't think any of this is helping. It makes me feel like he might be staying sober for everyone else instead of for himself. Do you know what I mean?