XxGoldenxX

it's been a week since ive used H and i know it takes longer but im losing it. day 7 is not easier than day 1. its not even slightly better and I don't know if i have the mental or emotional strength to keep fighting it. im questioning my decision to go inpatient because all i can keep thinking is whats the point. if i fail then whats the point. most people relapse so why bother...save the pain of dealing with myself. stop the thoughts that are so intense they give me migraines. stop the anxiety. stop the sinking depression that makes me hurt myself in more ways than just using. what if i am just broken. can anyone be better off staying high?

yo466

I know about alcohol a little more than using H (one drug I never used) but to answer your last question about staying better off high, most likely if you continue to use you could die. When I got sober, I did because I did not want to die (from using or suicide).

I don't want to sound corny but you might want to think about how your life would be better without using, and then go from there.

Dee74

I've never done H but I don't believe anyone is better off being high XxGoldenxX.
I don't believe 'most people relapse' either.

Changing our lives is always rough - add to that the physical and mental trauma of withdrawal and it's not really surprising day 7 isn't that much better than day one, especially if you're trying to do this on your own.

I'm an alcoholic. I drank for a lot of self medicating reasons - take away my medicine and life didn't actually get better.

It took me a while to work my way through some long standing issues and get to a point where I felt life was better. It's not an overnight process for any of us.

I'm glad I had help.

I think support is very important - we need a helping hand, we need people to talk to and we need people to guide us a little.

Are you using any other support but SR?

D

officious

I'm gonna assume "H" equals heroin; call me ignorant and correct me please if I'm wrong.

But my best friend, who i met 3 months after he got off the street (6 years a go) and has been clean since has fought with methadone to work down from a hundred and something MG to 20ish, there were plenty of rough bits I tried to help him through with out enabling.

But he soldiered through and I know / believe it can be done, and it all falls back to personal character and more importantly (like any addiction) to those who are around you.

eJoshua

Hello -

I remember having the same self defeating thoughts before going into rehab: "Why should I bother, I'm going to relapse eventually anyways." "Why should I bother, I'm going to drink myself to death in the end anyways." "What difference does it make, I've probably already fried all my brain cells."

Turns out that my alcoholic brain was just making excuses for me to drink again and rationalizing my relapses. Self sabotage is the worst.

Seven months later, turns out none of my Why-Should-I-Bothers were accurate.

I know alcohol isn't the same as heroin, but I know that the principles are the same.

Best wishes

Tigger41

Golden - I wish I could be there to help you through this - I hope you have a support network. You're going to feel better once you're on the other side of this. Any maybe you can't see it now but the path you were on would lead to a miserable life.

Every time I think - it wasn't that bad - I was keeping up with my job etc. I try to picture myself 20 years down the road looking "road hard and hung up wet" and I think of my friends looking at me going "Man when did she get to be so bad - she looks horrible and her eyes are glassy all the time" and I think - don't want to be that pathetic person - and I find the will to not drink or take a Xanax or cut or make myself throw up - just for today, just today- just today and then I'll do it again tomorrow - but for now I focus on today.

So for today don't use. Just make it through today - others have done it so you and I are strong enough to do it.

you are worth it.

Saliena

Thanks for that Dee... I needed to hear that today.

pikkle69

Never did H but did plenty of other opiates... longest I went in the last 5 years was probably 3 weeks. Though I was over the physical part, the mental part was very persuasive and always won out. I'm almost 2 months without any opiates this time (decided to quit those before I quit drinking) and yes, the thought is still in my head but I know if I go back on any type of opiates, I will be drinking as well. Hate to say it but kicking the opiates was much easier than kicking the alcohol. Are you in treatment right now? You definitely need support to kick... at least stay with us here and we'll help you through the best we can!

sugarbear1

I hope you stay stopped.

I witnessed someone like you 25 years ago. A beautiful woman who liked that. In and out of rehabs, kept getting pregnant by her dealers, children (those who survived birth) sent to foster care. She used to be put together, cute clothes, beautiful smooth skin, nice make-up.

I saw her the other day, she had layers of ratty clothes, unwashed, unkept, no make-up, her gorgeous hair now white & scraggly, hadn't been cared for, and she was nodding out in public.

Things get worse. I cried after seeing her. She couldn't stay stopped.

I know you have the strength in you to stay stopped! Another female friend, who used to do the same, was able to stay stopped. She is now a school teacher, married with children, & living in a gorgeous house. She once had multiple personalitoes and was listed as a "lost cause."

Do what it takes to stay stopped!
love & hugs,

XxGoldenxX

hey everyone
So im still in the biter, self loathing and dep. state right now so i feel any detailed reply would not be the best. but i just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied...i think each one gives me another tiny speck of hope. i really appreciate.

AcceptingChange

You are fighting courageously. Keep up the battle. It's very challenging, but it can be accomplished.

One thing that may help is to realize that your feelings and thoughts are constantly changing, constantly in flux. Do not believe the different ideas that your addict-mind creates to sucker you into giving in. Because it wants what's best for it, and not what's best for you. It's a parasite. And you are starving it. And it's reacting to that.
In the not-to-distant future, your mind will be creating different thoughts, happier thoughts, thoughts of self-respect instead of self-loathing. Do not react to fleeting thoughts. You know the best thing to do, and don't settle for less.

You can do this. The real you is so much better without the substance.

OnlyLookForward

"ey everyone
So im still in the biter, self loathing and dep. state right now so i feel any detailed reply would not be the best. but i just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied...i think each one gives me another tiny speck of hope. i really appreciate."

Hey XxGoldenxX,

You're doing great so just hang in there. Don't give up. You're going to get through this.

D

1undone

Congratulations on the 7 days! That is amazing, truly! Really you have two choices, live or slowly die. Others have mentioned support and so, I do as well. Who has your back?

Many people have kicked H! You are no different than the next person who kicked it. BUT they had a great deal of support. Inpatient TX does help a great deal and even if you did relapse you would have a much greater chance at finally succeeding with that foundation than just on self will. I really feel for you.

The pain of depression is raw and has quite a life of it's own as your brain is depleted of so much dopamine. Are you seeing a doctor to help you with that? There is a lot involved in overcoming H use. If I were alone in the fight I would be feeling just like you and also I'd be in a loop of self loathing and depression.