Husband using?

Old 11-14-2011, 12:02 PM
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Husband using?

I found out almost two years ago that my husband was snorting pills. He said he had been for a year and a half. I found out because all of our money-literally thousands of dollars-was disappearing. He finally admitted he had a problem and got help.

He claims to have been clean since then, and I believe him most of the time. However, money keeps disappearing. We are still in $40k debt after paying off nearly $40k. He has stolen checks from my checkbook and taken cash advances on his credit card. He claims he is not using, but that he still owes people money from before.

I don't believe him and want him to take a drug test. Every time I ask he "Doesn't have to go" or claims he can't go in front of me. Twice he's taken one, but I haven't been around to see it happen so I have my doubts. Everyone else believes him and believes he still owes money, but I am very suspicious.

I want my marriage to work and I want him to be better, but I can't stand the constant lies. I don't know how much pills costs, but I don't see how a year and a half of using can rack up so much debt that it is still being paid off nearly two years later.

He won't admit anything to me. I felt so stupid before because I didn't know he was using. My only signs were money disappearing and him disappearing. What signs can I look for now?
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:09 PM
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Welcome!

I'm sorry you're going through this, but if itwere me I would look up and attend an alanon meeting. You will get great information and support there on what to look for and how to keep yourself safe.

If you have any doubt in your mind, he is probably using. My experience has been to "go with my gut" even though my gut is telling me what I don't want to hear.
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:20 PM
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Anytime I suspected AXBF was using, he was. But like you, I always need cold hard evidence that he was using. Now, it doesn't matter if I have evidence, his actions show me that he is in active addiction. No place to live, couch surfing, not contacting or seeing his children. I'm sorry that you have to go through this and I am praying for your peace and serenity.
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:24 PM
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Thank you for the words of support. I hate to think he would be using again, but I just don't see how he can still owe money. We've changed his cell phone number and I've looked at his calls and there are no incoming calls where someone would be asking for money. I want to be supportive but there is only so much I can do and handle.
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:56 PM
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I found out my husband was using and he had been doing it for approx 2 yrs before he came clean. I knew towards the end because money started coming up missing but then I got smart and moved it to where he did not have access no more then he came clean about his addiction. I guess you could say I backed him against a corner when there was no funds for him to get to. I completely understand about not wanting to throw away your marriage, I am dealing with that struggle myself. I dont have many words of wisdom to offer except protect your money and dont buy into the lies. The one thing I have learned from Nar-Anon meetings is stop doing the detective work because you will just drive yourself crazy.
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Old 11-14-2011, 01:49 PM
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It always goes back to the money. The money is gone, he has an expensive habit to maintain, and I wouldn't believe a word he says. Addict lie, that is part of their disease.

I would open an account in my name only and start stashing some money before you are in a hole that you cannot dig yourself out of.

If you haven't attended Naranon meetings I would suggest that you do so. Also read all the stickies at the top of this forum and others posts.

Your circumstances are not unusual, he appears to be a garden variety addict.

Start working on you, keep posting, we are here for you.

My best...Dolly
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Old 11-14-2011, 04:09 PM
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Sounds exactly what I went through. When I really started to notice big time was when a $1500 dollar paycheck for one week slowly decreased to $500 and he was working longer hours. (He wasn't actually working more, but telling me he was and driving to get pills). Things I found in my searches were straws, or tubes used for snorting. Pens torn apart or odd looking pipes basically, odd quarters or straight edged things left laying in a very random spot, baggies, either plastic shopping bag pieces that are twisted up or the corner of a ziploc bag. Sleeping odd hours, not eating, I could probably go on. The only way I got my husband to take a test was to catch him by surprise and force him to do it in front of me. It took a few times for me to catch on, twice I caught him trying to use plain water, and once he tried to use the water in the bottom of the toilet. Get any money you have left and hide it, even if that means closing your bank accounts, and set your boundaries now. The imminent danger of losing his family "might" make him admit to a problem, but if your case is like mine, I had to remove myself and my kids from the situation in order for him to actually do it. Good luck with it, I hope for your sake and his that he gets help.
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:00 PM
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I have looked for evidence, but he's too smart for that. The only thing I've noticed that's off are his sleeping habits. He claims he can't sleep at night and I have to wake him up because he sleeps so late on the weekends.
He claims the money he owes isn't to drug dealers, but to people he borrowed or stole from to support his habit. I don't believe it, but his parents do, and unfortunately continue to give him money behind my back. After he stole my money, I put it all in an account that he wasn't on. He then stole checks from my check book and forged my signature.
The only people involved are myself and his parents, who continue to enable him. We've had many arguments and they continue to give him money. I've asked that they drug test him when they've driven to our house to give him money, but they refuse. I understand he is their son, but I feel as if I am all alone. I don't think I'm crazy being suspicious, but everyone makes me feel as if I am.
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:22 PM
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"However, money keeps disappearing..."
"My only signs were money disappearing"
I am still learning so much about the power of this disease...the whole disease, including the people connected to it: the dysfunctional system of this disease. We want so badly for the person we love to be clean. We want it so bad we can't see what is right in front of us sometimes. I have come to learn to trust myself. I have come to trust that I will not be so fearfully desperate of losing love that I will give my heart to a relationship without trust.
But STILL I am afraid of relapsing. My exAbf only moved out 3 days ago. I guess I will go one day at a time. Live in peace and serenity and pray for the strength to do what it takes to not be connected to active addiction.
Though the man has been in and out or recovery for TWENTY YEARS and has done a lot of work...he still leaves himself wide open and vulnerable to relapsing and he does. He uses. I would say that the twenty years has been active. He has used recovery to try to manage his use.
Active addicts are powerless over their use, and just as powerless over their lies.
People in love with addicts are powerless over their use and powerless over their lies.
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:29 PM
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have looked for evidence...missing checks, forged signatures...too smart for that!
"everyone" thinks I'm crazy suspicious...???
parents in denial, no surprise whatsoever.
you already know the truth, but it's not what you want
how much more evidence?
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