I'm new here...just need someone to talk to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: North Lima OH
Posts: 5
I'm new here...just need someone to talk to.
Hello...I'm new here and have just been reading some people's posts and it has brought me to tears because a lot of it sounds like exactly what I am going through.
Let's start with my story. My boyfriend of almost 9 years is a heroin addict. When we first met he was into the pain pills but we were in high school and it didn't seem like that much of a big deal to me at the time. I even did them occasionally with him. What can I say, I was young and rebelling and I never thought I would end up falling for him like I did. To me at the time, I was just having fun. Well about a year after I had known him he quit the pills without a problem just decided one day enough was enough and turned into a totally different person. I think that's when I finally fell in love, he became a totally different person. Well about a year ago, he received a DUI and was sent to the weekend school where he was introduced to heroin users. That's where it all started again. He ended up hanging out with some people from class and using heroin. First it was just a weekend thing and now it's turned into an everyday thing. Pawning stuff to get his drugs and lieing to his mother about his bills so that she'll give him cash to pay them only to go buy drugs with the money. And I'm ashamed to say that in the past year I have also given him money for his drugs. Sometimes he lied to get the money from me other times he just manipulated it out of me. I don't know how many times I've heard "I swear just this one last time, I'll quit after this." That's the most heartbreaking part to me, because I don't know how many times I've heard it from him I believe it everytime, and then when I come home from work and find him high it feels like my whole world falls apart everytime. I've payed for him to get on suboxone, that didn't work he just used it to get through the withdrawls when he was broke and then when he had money would be right back to getting high. I've threaten to leave many times but now it's gotten to the point that when we fight and I say those words it's like he doesn't care. I don't know what else to do at this point. I know what I should do, what my head is telling me to do. It's screaming at me "GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!" But my heart is telling me another, its just that I've been with him so long and I don't want to throw it all away, especially when I know that he's a wonderful person when he's sober.
Sorry, I know that was probably really long and rambling and I don't really know what I'm hoping to gain from posting this. It's just nice to finally tell my story. Everyone else around me has no idea what is going on.
Let's start with my story. My boyfriend of almost 9 years is a heroin addict. When we first met he was into the pain pills but we were in high school and it didn't seem like that much of a big deal to me at the time. I even did them occasionally with him. What can I say, I was young and rebelling and I never thought I would end up falling for him like I did. To me at the time, I was just having fun. Well about a year after I had known him he quit the pills without a problem just decided one day enough was enough and turned into a totally different person. I think that's when I finally fell in love, he became a totally different person. Well about a year ago, he received a DUI and was sent to the weekend school where he was introduced to heroin users. That's where it all started again. He ended up hanging out with some people from class and using heroin. First it was just a weekend thing and now it's turned into an everyday thing. Pawning stuff to get his drugs and lieing to his mother about his bills so that she'll give him cash to pay them only to go buy drugs with the money. And I'm ashamed to say that in the past year I have also given him money for his drugs. Sometimes he lied to get the money from me other times he just manipulated it out of me. I don't know how many times I've heard "I swear just this one last time, I'll quit after this." That's the most heartbreaking part to me, because I don't know how many times I've heard it from him I believe it everytime, and then when I come home from work and find him high it feels like my whole world falls apart everytime. I've payed for him to get on suboxone, that didn't work he just used it to get through the withdrawls when he was broke and then when he had money would be right back to getting high. I've threaten to leave many times but now it's gotten to the point that when we fight and I say those words it's like he doesn't care. I don't know what else to do at this point. I know what I should do, what my head is telling me to do. It's screaming at me "GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!" But my heart is telling me another, its just that I've been with him so long and I don't want to throw it all away, especially when I know that he's a wonderful person when he's sober.
Sorry, I know that was probably really long and rambling and I don't really know what I'm hoping to gain from posting this. It's just nice to finally tell my story. Everyone else around me has no idea what is going on.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome...what you gain from posting here is support and a wealth of information.
What do you know about bounderies? I'd read up on them. Threatening to leave and then staying, only, condones his behavior. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
He is manipulating you, he knows that you are weak when it comes to him and that you will fall his lines...ie...his con job.
I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum, read others post, and get to Naranon meeting, it will help you understand this disease, that there is no cure for. He will be an addict all his life, it is only a matter of whether he is clean or not.
Trust your gut, think with your head, not your heart.
What do you know about bounderies? I'd read up on them. Threatening to leave and then staying, only, condones his behavior. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
He is manipulating you, he knows that you are weak when it comes to him and that you will fall his lines...ie...his con job.
I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum, read others post, and get to Naranon meeting, it will help you understand this disease, that there is no cure for. He will be an addict all his life, it is only a matter of whether he is clean or not.
Trust your gut, think with your head, not your heart.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
If I had a nickel for every person who said what a great person their addict is when they are sober, I'd be a very wealthy woman. If we didn't think they were wonderful, we wouldn't have gotten with them in the first place, right? The thing is, you are no longer living with that wonderful person, you are living with the lying, manipulative drug addict.
Has he given you any indication that he wants recovery? Has he checked out rehabs or detox facilities? If not, then it doesn't look like there is much chance of him changing anything. You, however, do have the opportunity to make your own life better. Listen to your head. Your heart doesn't have a brain.
Has he given you any indication that he wants recovery? Has he checked out rehabs or detox facilities? If not, then it doesn't look like there is much chance of him changing anything. You, however, do have the opportunity to make your own life better. Listen to your head. Your heart doesn't have a brain.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: North Lima OH
Posts: 5
I've been reading... and I know I am not strong enough to leave yet. I know I am codependent and I know if I leave I will just be back, I am not going to try and kid myself there. I am going to try and set up boundaries though. He's been clean for a week and half which is the longest I have seen him clean for over a year now so that hope is back. I have stopped enabling him so that's a start I guess. A couple months ago whenever he asked for money or a ride I was there. But I have stopped that he hasn't seen a dime from me in 2 months. That's a start for changing my condependence right? I just know that I am not strong enough left to just leave and I hope that either he will stay clean or I will keep getting stronger, strong enough that eventually I'll be able to just walk away.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
We aren't ready until we're ready. You are right that if you leave before you have truly had enough, the chances are pretty good that you'll just go back when he turns on the charm, or starts quacking as we call it. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
nine years from high school? you have a very long life ahead of you! it can be long in a solid way where you work on your self, your dreams, your gifts, your spirit, your LIFE...or it can be long long long, using all your energy to watch, keep an eye out, hide the money, hide the pawnable goods, wonder if his eyes look funny...on and on and on.
after two years together I have sent "my beautiful man" away. lying. deceit. using.
instead of us buying groceries together and making a nice dinner at home (romantic low maintenance) it was me buying groceries while we waited for him to "get paid"...bringing home (really good) food from work...then come to find out he was getting paid all along, AND he SOLD his $200 food stamp benefits (his mental illness-bipolar-gets him state benefits) for $50. All the money went for crack. So, while he was lying to me and pretending to be clean I ended up enabling him by feeding an active addict.
BUT BUT BUT...the biggest way I think I enabled him was by minimizing his use. I didn't mean to...I never saw him high, he would just disappear...but when he would return I would talk it through, do the recovery speak, go to meetings, believe and have faith that he would get the grace of recovery. My belief got in his way. By having me forgive his ******** all the time...nice dinners, great sex, super romantic hangouts, gorgeous pad, smart fun events and goings on...ALL of it was mine, and he thought he didn't have it so bad.
In the end I know he loves me. But he is an active addict so his love for me takes a back seat. He is powerless over his lies and behaviors that look nothing like love. Because I "allowed" it by repeatedly taking him back several times over two years...and trying to "help" him (because I have an awesome recovery community!) I finally realized I was in a sweet, loving, compassionate way saying "it's ok honey" and it's NOT okay. Addiction is progressive and it KILLS. kills kills kills. It's not okay to use, and my staying with him and offering my heart to a lying active addict is saying "it's okay."
after two years together I have sent "my beautiful man" away. lying. deceit. using.
instead of us buying groceries together and making a nice dinner at home (romantic low maintenance) it was me buying groceries while we waited for him to "get paid"...bringing home (really good) food from work...then come to find out he was getting paid all along, AND he SOLD his $200 food stamp benefits (his mental illness-bipolar-gets him state benefits) for $50. All the money went for crack. So, while he was lying to me and pretending to be clean I ended up enabling him by feeding an active addict.
BUT BUT BUT...the biggest way I think I enabled him was by minimizing his use. I didn't mean to...I never saw him high, he would just disappear...but when he would return I would talk it through, do the recovery speak, go to meetings, believe and have faith that he would get the grace of recovery. My belief got in his way. By having me forgive his ******** all the time...nice dinners, great sex, super romantic hangouts, gorgeous pad, smart fun events and goings on...ALL of it was mine, and he thought he didn't have it so bad.
In the end I know he loves me. But he is an active addict so his love for me takes a back seat. He is powerless over his lies and behaviors that look nothing like love. Because I "allowed" it by repeatedly taking him back several times over two years...and trying to "help" him (because I have an awesome recovery community!) I finally realized I was in a sweet, loving, compassionate way saying "it's ok honey" and it's NOT okay. Addiction is progressive and it KILLS. kills kills kills. It's not okay to use, and my staying with him and offering my heart to a lying active addict is saying "it's okay."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
BTW...getting to a place where you can leave takes some work. go to meetings and get help. keep reading posts. start talking to everybody who will listen because addiction THRIVES on shame and secrecy. transparency...honesty...openness all these traits are so essential for your mental and emotional and spiritual health. start to save your self. enabling is very insidious and shows up in ways you wouldn't believe. get help so you can gain clarity and vision...that is part of why it is a WE program, we are caught in a destructive deceitful relationship and we need help seeing clearly. I would venture to guess that love with an addict is almost certainly its own addiction...giant fear of being alone and losing love. fear of disconnection and loss of love is at the heart of almost every single addiction.
that is why it is so friggin hard to leave. i can remember the internal rush i would get from the text msg sound. creepy. still i look for the msg. withdrawl etc!
Please do yourself a huge favor and ask for a lot of help! Self care!!!
that is why it is so friggin hard to leave. i can remember the internal rush i would get from the text msg sound. creepy. still i look for the msg. withdrawl etc!
Please do yourself a huge favor and ask for a lot of help! Self care!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: North Lima OH
Posts: 5
That last part about getting the rush when getting a text message really hit home. There have been times when I left no more than a day and the whole time I would be sitting there hoping he would call. It sounds sick and twisted right? I mean why leave if the whole time your just waiting for that call so you can go running back. It just sucks cause I am so much smarter in every other aspect of my life, but when it comes to him it's like I turn into a child again, unable to stand up for myself or voice my opinion. I know I am not mentally ready to leave nor am I finicially either, however in the meantime I have made a decision that I will no longer support it. I am going to pray that he really does get help but I'm not getting my hopes up. I am going to start saving my money and give it till after the holidays. If I haven't seen him try then that's it, I should have enough money by then to just get out. I have also looked into meetings and I will go to one on Wednesday. I am also in the process of checking with my insurance on what they cover to see a therapist. I've always been so against therapy but I honestly think I need it. This whole situation makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by lesliej 
BTW...getting to a place where you can leave takes some work. go to meetings and get help. keep reading posts. start talking to everybody who will listen because addiction THRIVES on shame and secrecy. transparency...honesty...openness all these traits are so essential for your mental and emotional and spiritual health. start to save your self. enabling is very insidious and shows up in ways you wouldn't believe. get help so you can gain clarity and vision...that is part of why it is a WE program, we are caught in a destructive deceitful relationship and we need help seeing clearly. I would venture to guess that love with an addict is almost certainly its own addiction...giant fear of being alone and losing love. fear of disconnection and loss of love is at the heart of almost every single addiction.
that is why it is so friggin hard to leave. i can remember the internal rush i would get from the text msg sound. creepy. still i look for the msg. withdrawl etc!
Please do yourself a huge favor and ask for a lot of help! Self care!!!
that is why it is so friggin hard to leave. i can remember the internal rush i would get from the text msg sound. creepy. still i look for the msg. withdrawl etc!
Please do yourself a huge favor and ask for a lot of help! Self care!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
yes, the lying is nothing short of amazing, really! mine lied right up to and WHILE my sponsor was drug testing him...then came home and proceeded to minimize and still deny. the lying becomes compulsive, it is necessary for the addiction to survive.
yes, the meetings are essential. what surprised me is that there is not any advice giving. in fact at first I thought that the attitude was almost too lenient toward the addict...that we could maintain our serenity whether our loved one was using or not. in fact I think my ex liked my new "mind my own business" and "live and let live" feeling. and it did seem to contribute to the overall health of our relationship, and thus his recovery as well. its kind of win win...
then as time passed and I continued to do the work i needed to do to care for my own precious and beautiful life, heart, mind & soul it became apparent that he was NOT doing the work, or could not sustain the work. over and over addiction won.
now at this time I have love in my heart for him, and I pray for him, and I have compassion for his struggle, his pain, his lack of self worth, his pride, his stubbornness, his stuck in a ruttedness, his blah blah blah.
if and when he decides to do what it takes, which for an "established" addict is a seriously f'n intense commitment to recovery...maybe he will find the grace of his maker shining on his beautiful heart.
until then it is an ugly destructive lying shaming sick making crazy making unmanageable no control seedy downward spiraling life, and i don't want to live there.
i will work a little harder to pay all the rent. I will find fulfilling relationships with others...and they won't "need" to lie to me and destroy trust. life is simple and beautiful. live it.
yes, the meetings are essential. what surprised me is that there is not any advice giving. in fact at first I thought that the attitude was almost too lenient toward the addict...that we could maintain our serenity whether our loved one was using or not. in fact I think my ex liked my new "mind my own business" and "live and let live" feeling. and it did seem to contribute to the overall health of our relationship, and thus his recovery as well. its kind of win win...
then as time passed and I continued to do the work i needed to do to care for my own precious and beautiful life, heart, mind & soul it became apparent that he was NOT doing the work, or could not sustain the work. over and over addiction won.
now at this time I have love in my heart for him, and I pray for him, and I have compassion for his struggle, his pain, his lack of self worth, his pride, his stubbornness, his stuck in a ruttedness, his blah blah blah.
if and when he decides to do what it takes, which for an "established" addict is a seriously f'n intense commitment to recovery...maybe he will find the grace of his maker shining on his beautiful heart.
until then it is an ugly destructive lying shaming sick making crazy making unmanageable no control seedy downward spiraling life, and i don't want to live there.
i will work a little harder to pay all the rent. I will find fulfilling relationships with others...and they won't "need" to lie to me and destroy trust. life is simple and beautiful. live it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: North Lima OH
Posts: 5
Well I did it...I left..I wasn't planning on doing it but what happened last night really opened my eyes. I was having really bad pains so I went to the emegency room after work. I called him left him a voicemail to tell him what was going on. Turned out it's not life threatening just kidney stones, but anyway he calls back (never got my message) needing a ride to his dealer. Said I couldn't I was at the hospital, he proceeds to get angry and tells me thanks for ruining his night. I can't save him...and I'm finally sick of it. Sick of being treated like crap...sick of being the one that's always picking up the pieces. It's gonna be hard I know, but it's weird, I'm not crying like I normally did. I'm just angry. Angrier than I've ever been in my entire life. Is this normal? I guess it doesn't really matter, if getting angry is what it takes to get out then I guess it's ok.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 45
Nothing wrong with using anger to motivate you! Just stick with it! Remember how you felt when you got that call or write it down, so that when he calls to suck you back in again, you can recall that feeling and remember why you left.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Anger serves a purpose at a particular point in time, like with you last night.
Now, retool that anger into a positive go forward minset. This guy has nothing to offer you but more grief and heartache.
I would suggest going no contact, you deserve so much better.
Focus on you and get both phsically and mentally healthy.
Now, retool that anger into a positive go forward minset. This guy has nothing to offer you but more grief and heartache.
I would suggest going no contact, you deserve so much better.
Focus on you and get both phsically and mentally healthy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
pmd910,
I am so happy that you are able to be angry!!! It is such a motivator to move on and do the work towards a happier and more peaceful life. I never did get truly angry, but I cried through a lot of the hard times, that was what worked for me. And if you ever feel weak and think about going back, you should think about how you were sick and in the hospital and he got MAD at you!!! Instead of being concerned and coming to be by your side (which you would think most bfs would do), he was mad at you b/c you couldn't take him to his drug dealer!!! I hope you are feeling better soon. Prayers and best wishes.
I am so happy that you are able to be angry!!! It is such a motivator to move on and do the work towards a happier and more peaceful life. I never did get truly angry, but I cried through a lot of the hard times, that was what worked for me. And if you ever feel weak and think about going back, you should think about how you were sick and in the hospital and he got MAD at you!!! Instead of being concerned and coming to be by your side (which you would think most bfs would do), he was mad at you b/c you couldn't take him to his drug dealer!!! I hope you are feeling better soon. Prayers and best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
this is how I feel about anger...and it isn't easy to accept at times but in all the work that I have done around my recovery this is what I have learned...
ANGER is an emotion, it is a natural emotion that tunes us into what is happening in our life.
Anger is a red flag...it is our emotional sentinel, it is a beautiful silk banner waving in a storm...and it is telling us that our boundaries have been violated.
Anger can be directed toward the person place or thing that has violated that boundary.
However, having no control, cure, or cause for that person...we cannot control the fact that they have violated our boundary...ONCE AGAIN...because that is WHAT ADDICTS DO.
Therefore I use my anger, I transform it...slowly but surely...with a lot of tenderness, care, and love. I am tender toward myself, I care for myself, and I learn to love myself...I learn to trust myself, that I will not allow an addict to make promises about my healthy boundaries. The addict is sick, and a sick addict cannot make, hold or sustain those healthy boundaries.
That is my responsibility. It is my life. I want trust. I trust myself...or am learning to, slowly, slowly...with the help of everyone around me. With the help of these posts.
Boundaries do not need to be barriers. Addicts need barriers.
Peace.
ANGER is an emotion, it is a natural emotion that tunes us into what is happening in our life.
Anger is a red flag...it is our emotional sentinel, it is a beautiful silk banner waving in a storm...and it is telling us that our boundaries have been violated.
Anger can be directed toward the person place or thing that has violated that boundary.
However, having no control, cure, or cause for that person...we cannot control the fact that they have violated our boundary...ONCE AGAIN...because that is WHAT ADDICTS DO.
Therefore I use my anger, I transform it...slowly but surely...with a lot of tenderness, care, and love. I am tender toward myself, I care for myself, and I learn to love myself...I learn to trust myself, that I will not allow an addict to make promises about my healthy boundaries. The addict is sick, and a sick addict cannot make, hold or sustain those healthy boundaries.
That is my responsibility. It is my life. I want trust. I trust myself...or am learning to, slowly, slowly...with the help of everyone around me. With the help of these posts.
Boundaries do not need to be barriers. Addicts need barriers.
Peace.
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