choosing a sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: murrieta, ca
Posts: 18
choosing a sponsor
After going to al anon for almost 4 months now, a couple weeks ago, I finally get step 1. I AM powerless... I can't make anyone do anything, I can't control people, places, things.
If I continue "my way" of thinking, my life was & is going to be unmanageable. But, by admitting I'm powerless & acknowledging truly how unmanageable my life is/was, I can change my attitude & thinking & take care of me, and things become more manageable...
The day I realized this, my life did change. I'm not obsessing over my husband & what he's doing & his program. I need my program. Instead, I'm doing things I want to do, I'm exercising (I love walking/running on my treadmill & haven't done it in so long!) I'm going to more meetings, just trying to take care of me, & it's ok for me to do that! I don't feel as tense or stressed. I'm eating & sleeping better! That helps so much too!
So now I'm thinking I need to really look for a sponsor. It's been something I've been "told" to do, but now that I'm finally understanding the first step, I feel like it's time to think more seriously about finding one. I dont know what I'm looking for though.
-Who qualifies to be a sponsor?
-Are you supposed to "connect" with that person?
I'm a little lost on this, so any advice or suggestions would be appreciated
Thanks all!
If I continue "my way" of thinking, my life was & is going to be unmanageable. But, by admitting I'm powerless & acknowledging truly how unmanageable my life is/was, I can change my attitude & thinking & take care of me, and things become more manageable...
The day I realized this, my life did change. I'm not obsessing over my husband & what he's doing & his program. I need my program. Instead, I'm doing things I want to do, I'm exercising (I love walking/running on my treadmill & haven't done it in so long!) I'm going to more meetings, just trying to take care of me, & it's ok for me to do that! I don't feel as tense or stressed. I'm eating & sleeping better! That helps so much too!
So now I'm thinking I need to really look for a sponsor. It's been something I've been "told" to do, but now that I'm finally understanding the first step, I feel like it's time to think more seriously about finding one. I dont know what I'm looking for though.
-Who qualifies to be a sponsor?
-Are you supposed to "connect" with that person?
I'm a little lost on this, so any advice or suggestions would be appreciated
Thanks all!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First of all there is a GREAT pamphlet on "Sponsorship" put out by AA, you can read it online at:
http://aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
That will answer a lot of your questions about Aa and Alanon sponsorship.
Second, look for someone who has 'worked' the steps, and 'seems' to be 'walking the way they talk' not a 'do as I say person.'
A sponsor's job as explained to me, first by my AA sponsor, and then again 3 years later by my Alanon sponsor .............................
"I am here to 'guide' you through working the 12 steps, and how to apply those 12 steps in your life on a daily basis. I am not your Warden, you still have free choice."
Well, over these many years now, I too tell my sponcess the same thing. I have seen many sponsor/sponsee relationships grow into very close friendships as mine did with both my AA and Alanon sponsors. I have also seen just as many stay strictly a cordial relationship and the sponsee eventually moves on.
Again, when it comes to a 'potential' sponsor, it is WATCH their actions to see if they match their words. Do they gossip at coffee? Do they talk about their other sponsees when the sponsee is not their? You get the idea.
Oh, and a 'sponsor' does not have to be forever! If you find it is not working you are free to pick another sponsor, just as a sponsor is 'free' to no longer sponsor you.
With all of the above being said, I am very happy for you that you have decided to 'dig' further into the program of Alanon and find a sponsor!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
http://aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
That will answer a lot of your questions about Aa and Alanon sponsorship.
Second, look for someone who has 'worked' the steps, and 'seems' to be 'walking the way they talk' not a 'do as I say person.'
A sponsor's job as explained to me, first by my AA sponsor, and then again 3 years later by my Alanon sponsor .............................
"I am here to 'guide' you through working the 12 steps, and how to apply those 12 steps in your life on a daily basis. I am not your Warden, you still have free choice."
Well, over these many years now, I too tell my sponcess the same thing. I have seen many sponsor/sponsee relationships grow into very close friendships as mine did with both my AA and Alanon sponsors. I have also seen just as many stay strictly a cordial relationship and the sponsee eventually moves on.
Again, when it comes to a 'potential' sponsor, it is WATCH their actions to see if they match their words. Do they gossip at coffee? Do they talk about their other sponsees when the sponsee is not their? You get the idea.
Oh, and a 'sponsor' does not have to be forever! If you find it is not working you are free to pick another sponsor, just as a sponsor is 'free' to no longer sponsor you.
With all of the above being said, I am very happy for you that you have decided to 'dig' further into the program of Alanon and find a sponsor!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
LIVING SOBER
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Cent MD
Posts: 104
In an ideal world your sponsor, in my opinion should be someone who you're willing to get as close to about your personal journey & problems,
as you would with a supportive family member.(Trust)
This concept would also extend to the people in your contact circle, so that if your sponsor wasn't available, and you were to go to them,
you don't have to explain your whole life situation to them when you go to ask for advice.(Trust)
Similar lifestyles and a similar history of problems is always a benefit for both you and your sponsor, explaining our feelings and emotions are difficult enough.
Length of time and successful recovery should always be considered.
That being said, there are people with years of time that I wouldn't trust to get directions from to get to the local grocery store.
If you feel comfortable with your sponsor and things are progressing, there you go.
If you don't feel comfortable with your sponsor and things seem to be stalled, or your butting heads you can always fire your sponsor.
(This should be done with Appreciation, Caring, and Respect.)
There are many other things to consider that meet you personally.
These are some of the most important ones to me, look
as you would with a supportive family member.(Trust)
This concept would also extend to the people in your contact circle, so that if your sponsor wasn't available, and you were to go to them,
you don't have to explain your whole life situation to them when you go to ask for advice.(Trust)
Similar lifestyles and a similar history of problems is always a benefit for both you and your sponsor, explaining our feelings and emotions are difficult enough.
Length of time and successful recovery should always be considered.
That being said, there are people with years of time that I wouldn't trust to get directions from to get to the local grocery store.
If you feel comfortable with your sponsor and things are progressing, there you go.
If you don't feel comfortable with your sponsor and things seem to be stalled, or your butting heads you can always fire your sponsor.
(This should be done with Appreciation, Caring, and Respect.)
There are many other things to consider that meet you personally.
These are some of the most important ones to me, look
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: murrieta, ca
Posts: 18
I'm still looking for a sponsor! Sometimes I feel I am over thinking the process or trying to find the "perfect" person or need to do this "right".
I guess it's also not knowing who is a sponsor and fear of rejection.
This may sound silly, but another issue is how do you ask someone to be your sponsor? Do you come right out and ask? Do you offer to go to coffee or lunch? Do you explain to the person why you chose them to ask? should it be someone you have been having a friendship with? Or one that you do not know so well yet?
I have been listening to people's shares at meetings & am considering asking a few women... I'm nervous! I know this is important & have given myself a "mini goal" of finding one this month....
Thanks for reading!
Happy new year all!
I guess it's also not knowing who is a sponsor and fear of rejection.
This may sound silly, but another issue is how do you ask someone to be your sponsor? Do you come right out and ask? Do you offer to go to coffee or lunch? Do you explain to the person why you chose them to ask? should it be someone you have been having a friendship with? Or one that you do not know so well yet?
I have been listening to people's shares at meetings & am considering asking a few women... I'm nervous! I know this is important & have given myself a "mini goal" of finding one this month....
Thanks for reading!
Happy new year all!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sometimes those with good recovery have already taken on a sponsee and cannot give the time needed to do the job, so please don't feel rejected if someone cannot take on the task.
I knew who I wanted to be my sponsor long before I asked. She had good strong recovery, a spirituality I needed to see, and yet she was a straight shooter, just what I needed to keep me focused on working my steps. I often refer to her as a she-devil with a heart of gold, and I will always appreciate all she did for me. She made me work, she made me write, and she met with me at least once a week, usually before or after a meeting, to discuss my work that week. I was please that my timing worked for her.
It is good to choose someone who has already worked the steps thoroughly and whose recovery and life seems balanced.
Good luck. If you are like many of us, learning to work the steps will help you all your life in all matters.
Hugs
I knew who I wanted to be my sponsor long before I asked. She had good strong recovery, a spirituality I needed to see, and yet she was a straight shooter, just what I needed to keep me focused on working my steps. I often refer to her as a she-devil with a heart of gold, and I will always appreciate all she did for me. She made me work, she made me write, and she met with me at least once a week, usually before or after a meeting, to discuss my work that week. I was please that my timing worked for her.
It is good to choose someone who has already worked the steps thoroughly and whose recovery and life seems balanced.
Good luck. If you are like many of us, learning to work the steps will help you all your life in all matters.
Hugs
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