Don't know where to start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 11
Don't know where to start
I'm not sure where to start, I've never posted in a forum, let alone a forum like this. But I figured this might be a good place to start.
I grew up with an Alcoholic father. He has been sober for a few years now (he's 65 now), but he has cirrhosis and other physical effects from too many near death experiences because of his abuse.
But that' not my story, just some background. Thankfully, i am not an alcoholic, I drink 1-2X a week at most, sometimes not at all. I"m 39 y/o and for the first time in my life I am in a relationship with a man that I'm crazy about. The problem is that he's an alcoholic and abuses alcohol daily. He has had 2 DUIs in the last few years and is currently waiting his court date for his recent one. He continues to drive while he's been drinking. He gets upset anytime i bring how unacceptable this is. He's been under a lot of stress and maybe depressed because of a recent injury (amazingly, he's a pro athlete), he also recently got laid off from his job. He's mostly a functional alcoholic, but if he's with his friends he just doesn't stop drinking as they are alcoholics too.
He refuses to talk about it. He gets upset anytime i make mention of any of my displeasure with his actions (drinking, driving, or drinking AND driving). I feel like i'm pulling away. I am starting to feel the way i used to feel with my dad, just utter resentment. The battle is so hard to even mention, let alone talk about it that i'm finding myself getting wrapped up in his denial. I know it's a matter of time before he's picked up with another DUI, it's not if, it's when it's going to happen. I am a very stable person, without any addiction, a good job, and an honest life. We've been together for a little over a year and my family has not met him. The truth is, I'm afraid he's going to embarrass me if he over drinks at a family gathering. I have managed to use the excuse of "he's traveling" because truth is, he has been traveling a lot with his athletic career. There is so many amazing things about him that I see, he's incredibly smart and talented in his craft, but I'm loosing him to this. He does not and has never abused any other drugs or marijuana. He doesn't drink hard liquor either. He drinks beer, ALL DAY LONG. He probably puts away 20 beers a day on the average. He drinks a beer first thing in the morning and it's the last thing he drinks at night. There are times when he tries to drink less, and he's gone about 6 weeks sober in the year we've been together (this was after his DUI). My friends and family would never approve of this and feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. I'm a grown woman, with a successful life - i feel like i should know better than to be in this situation, i just - don't know how i found myself here especially after dealing with my father's alcoholism my whole life.
Since he's not working or doing his sport, he's home so he's drinking because he's bored! I spend my days worrying. Worrying when he's driving knowing he's been drinking. I care about him more than I ever have with any man, but i just don't know what to do anymore. I know something bad is going to happy at any time now. He's going to get hurt, or hurt someone. A train wreck waiting to happen, that's REALITY. I just don't know that i want to be there when it happens. Truth is, part of me worries that he'll get worse if I leave him. I'm so confused. I know that he's going down the same path as my dad.....I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel scared and worried all the time, and just not sure how much longer i can wear the "everything is great" mask. We have so many great things together, but this ONE thing is just much bigger than everything.
Thank you for listening (reading).
I grew up with an Alcoholic father. He has been sober for a few years now (he's 65 now), but he has cirrhosis and other physical effects from too many near death experiences because of his abuse.
But that' not my story, just some background. Thankfully, i am not an alcoholic, I drink 1-2X a week at most, sometimes not at all. I"m 39 y/o and for the first time in my life I am in a relationship with a man that I'm crazy about. The problem is that he's an alcoholic and abuses alcohol daily. He has had 2 DUIs in the last few years and is currently waiting his court date for his recent one. He continues to drive while he's been drinking. He gets upset anytime i bring how unacceptable this is. He's been under a lot of stress and maybe depressed because of a recent injury (amazingly, he's a pro athlete), he also recently got laid off from his job. He's mostly a functional alcoholic, but if he's with his friends he just doesn't stop drinking as they are alcoholics too.
He refuses to talk about it. He gets upset anytime i make mention of any of my displeasure with his actions (drinking, driving, or drinking AND driving). I feel like i'm pulling away. I am starting to feel the way i used to feel with my dad, just utter resentment. The battle is so hard to even mention, let alone talk about it that i'm finding myself getting wrapped up in his denial. I know it's a matter of time before he's picked up with another DUI, it's not if, it's when it's going to happen. I am a very stable person, without any addiction, a good job, and an honest life. We've been together for a little over a year and my family has not met him. The truth is, I'm afraid he's going to embarrass me if he over drinks at a family gathering. I have managed to use the excuse of "he's traveling" because truth is, he has been traveling a lot with his athletic career. There is so many amazing things about him that I see, he's incredibly smart and talented in his craft, but I'm loosing him to this. He does not and has never abused any other drugs or marijuana. He doesn't drink hard liquor either. He drinks beer, ALL DAY LONG. He probably puts away 20 beers a day on the average. He drinks a beer first thing in the morning and it's the last thing he drinks at night. There are times when he tries to drink less, and he's gone about 6 weeks sober in the year we've been together (this was after his DUI). My friends and family would never approve of this and feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. I'm a grown woman, with a successful life - i feel like i should know better than to be in this situation, i just - don't know how i found myself here especially after dealing with my father's alcoholism my whole life.
Since he's not working or doing his sport, he's home so he's drinking because he's bored! I spend my days worrying. Worrying when he's driving knowing he's been drinking. I care about him more than I ever have with any man, but i just don't know what to do anymore. I know something bad is going to happy at any time now. He's going to get hurt, or hurt someone. A train wreck waiting to happen, that's REALITY. I just don't know that i want to be there when it happens. Truth is, part of me worries that he'll get worse if I leave him. I'm so confused. I know that he's going down the same path as my dad.....I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel scared and worried all the time, and just not sure how much longer i can wear the "everything is great" mask. We have so many great things together, but this ONE thing is just much bigger than everything.
Thank you for listening (reading).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Wellcome,
I agree with you this is a good way for you to start dealing with your problems. This place has proved to be a life saver for me and I believe many others too.
We understand how you feel.
I recomend sticking around and reading as much as you can, especially the stickies section at the top of the forum. It has a lot of great insight in all different kinds of aspects of living with aloholics, and the pain we go through.
Alcoholism is a terrible disease, but you're aware of that since you've been dealing with your father's alcoholism throughout your life. I also think maybe you'd like to read some more on the subject of ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) - there is a subforum on SR. I am also ACOA who married an alcoholic and even though I thought my dad's alcoholism is something that is long gone from my life I found that in dealing with my present situation I had to go back a lot to my ACOA issues in order to make sense of my present.
In my opinion the best way to deal with any problem in life is to get educated about it, and this place is great place for educating oneself about alcoholism.
I know how hard it is to be in a relationship with an A, deal with all contradicting thoughts and feelings, losing oneself and sense of reality in the process. The simple thruth is you can't have the relationship with part of the person (sober part) and not suffer the effects of other parts of the same person. IMHO one can either find a way to accept an A for who he/she is and live with it, or decide this is something one can't live with and remove oneself from the situation. Anything in between is a straight path to crazyland where there is nothing but unbearable pain.
But maybe that is too much info for you at this point, so I will not write more. I'd just like to say: wellcome, you're among friends, we understand, stick around, we'll try to help the best we can.
HUGS
I agree with you this is a good way for you to start dealing with your problems. This place has proved to be a life saver for me and I believe many others too.
We understand how you feel.
I recomend sticking around and reading as much as you can, especially the stickies section at the top of the forum. It has a lot of great insight in all different kinds of aspects of living with aloholics, and the pain we go through.
Alcoholism is a terrible disease, but you're aware of that since you've been dealing with your father's alcoholism throughout your life. I also think maybe you'd like to read some more on the subject of ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) - there is a subforum on SR. I am also ACOA who married an alcoholic and even though I thought my dad's alcoholism is something that is long gone from my life I found that in dealing with my present situation I had to go back a lot to my ACOA issues in order to make sense of my present.
In my opinion the best way to deal with any problem in life is to get educated about it, and this place is great place for educating oneself about alcoholism.
I know how hard it is to be in a relationship with an A, deal with all contradicting thoughts and feelings, losing oneself and sense of reality in the process. The simple thruth is you can't have the relationship with part of the person (sober part) and not suffer the effects of other parts of the same person. IMHO one can either find a way to accept an A for who he/she is and live with it, or decide this is something one can't live with and remove oneself from the situation. Anything in between is a straight path to crazyland where there is nothing but unbearable pain.
But maybe that is too much info for you at this point, so I will not write more. I'd just like to say: wellcome, you're among friends, we understand, stick around, we'll try to help the best we can.
HUGS
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
to SR BDL. When I found myself in this kind of position at the age of about 29 years, it was the beginning of a journey of discovery for me. The first thing I discovered was that there was a reason I was engaged to marry an alcoholic addict. And it had much to do with my alcoholic parent and alcoholic childhood. Someone suggested Al-Anon, and I went. You may want to consider doing the same. It changed my life and I am so very grateful for it. Here is a link. Please consider giving Al-Anon a try. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello BDL,
The first time I came to this site, I had never posted in an on-line forum, and had not much talked about any of my family's drinking before. My grandmother, step-grandfather, aunt, several cousins and my sister are all alcoholics, and the only one in recovery is my sister.
And there are many, many folks here with stories similar to yours. You are definitely in the right place!
Welcome, read all the threads you can and educate yourself about alcoholism. Ask questions, vent your frustrations, we are here, and we get it.
HG
The first time I came to this site, I had never posted in an on-line forum, and had not much talked about any of my family's drinking before. My grandmother, step-grandfather, aunt, several cousins and my sister are all alcoholics, and the only one in recovery is my sister.
And there are many, many folks here with stories similar to yours. You are definitely in the right place!
Welcome, read all the threads you can and educate yourself about alcoholism. Ask questions, vent your frustrations, we are here, and we get it.
HG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
It's so funny (maybe funny is not the word) how we can grow up in a situation that we KNOW is bad, unhealthy, self-destructive and relationship-negating. We flee that and get on well with our lives, thinking we're putting our past behind us, and then, whoops! There we go again--attracted like a magnet to exactly what we ran away from.
You are not alone--I fell into the same pattern.
I agree that Al-Anon is the place to start. Your first step is work on yourself and examine your own behavior and motivation. Then you can start building tools to deal with unacceptable behavior.
And keep coming back here! There is so much wisdom here to learn from.
You are not alone--I fell into the same pattern.
I agree that Al-Anon is the place to start. Your first step is work on yourself and examine your own behavior and motivation. Then you can start building tools to deal with unacceptable behavior.
And keep coming back here! There is so much wisdom here to learn from.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
just to say welcome...
You can go online and find any number of academic studies/reports on alcoholism. What is good here..you can safely say anything you want (we don't know the real you or where you are), AND..
What is HERE is REAL. Those of us who have suffered due to spouse/partner/relatives, and are willing to speak openly about the pain. I mean.. some of the stuff I put out in public on this site. Why? because SOMEONE might be able to gain from it.
One of my xabf 's buddies lovingly calls me a "citizen", meaning, it is clear that I am not doing drugs, breaking the law, getting drunk, etc. I don't work (I'm 62), but overall, my life is pretty straight. HOW THE HELL did I get sucked into my relationship with him?
For one thing..it was not obvious to start with. He seemed like a decent guy (and somewhere in there, maybe there is a corner that is). Anyone can spot the under-the-bridge, in the shelter/rehab alcoholic. Its the functioning ones that will slam you because on the surface, they are ok. So, we want to believe, we want to hope, we don't want to be judgemental. Like you..I have a glass of wine on occasion, and can walk away.
Like many..I thought "wow, this is someone who deep inside, wants a stable and peaceful life, and a real relationship". But, when the cover came off, the alcohol came first. And when the alcohol stopped (which it supposedly has), the deceit and manipulation became more clear.
We are all unique, and we are all individuals here. Bottom line, we are all worth better than giving up our life and hearts to a relationship that is less than we deserve.
It's good to have a safe place.
You can go online and find any number of academic studies/reports on alcoholism. What is good here..you can safely say anything you want (we don't know the real you or where you are), AND..
What is HERE is REAL. Those of us who have suffered due to spouse/partner/relatives, and are willing to speak openly about the pain. I mean.. some of the stuff I put out in public on this site. Why? because SOMEONE might be able to gain from it.
One of my xabf 's buddies lovingly calls me a "citizen", meaning, it is clear that I am not doing drugs, breaking the law, getting drunk, etc. I don't work (I'm 62), but overall, my life is pretty straight. HOW THE HELL did I get sucked into my relationship with him?
For one thing..it was not obvious to start with. He seemed like a decent guy (and somewhere in there, maybe there is a corner that is). Anyone can spot the under-the-bridge, in the shelter/rehab alcoholic. Its the functioning ones that will slam you because on the surface, they are ok. So, we want to believe, we want to hope, we don't want to be judgemental. Like you..I have a glass of wine on occasion, and can walk away.
Like many..I thought "wow, this is someone who deep inside, wants a stable and peaceful life, and a real relationship". But, when the cover came off, the alcohol came first. And when the alcohol stopped (which it supposedly has), the deceit and manipulation became more clear.
We are all unique, and we are all individuals here. Bottom line, we are all worth better than giving up our life and hearts to a relationship that is less than we deserve.
It's good to have a safe place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 11
wow, thanks everyone for the warm welcome!
Thanks also for the advice, it makes sense that the problems I'm dealing with may stem from my childhood and dealing with an alcoholic father. I will do the necessary research to educate myself. Learn2Live suggested Al-Anon, which is something I had also started looking into. I found some local meetings and I am planning on attending. it's definitely time to take control of this situation. I will keep browsing here and checking in, sounds like this was a great place to start, thank you!
Thanks also for the advice, it makes sense that the problems I'm dealing with may stem from my childhood and dealing with an alcoholic father. I will do the necessary research to educate myself. Learn2Live suggested Al-Anon, which is something I had also started looking into. I found some local meetings and I am planning on attending. it's definitely time to take control of this situation. I will keep browsing here and checking in, sounds like this was a great place to start, thank you!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My mother is the primary alcoholic in my life, she has been drinking for 65 years. My life as a child was pure h@ll and all I have been doing in my adult life was to get well, one day at a time.
50% of children of "A's" either become "A's" or have relationships/marry "A's"...I married them, bad move on my part.
Alanon is a great starting point.
His disease is a progressive one, without recovery, it will contine to get worse and, there is no cure for this horrible disease, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not. That's it.
Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and those at the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, they are interchangable, an addict is an addict.
Keep reading, keep posting and get to those meetings.
50% of children of "A's" either become "A's" or have relationships/marry "A's"...I married them, bad move on my part.
Alanon is a great starting point.
His disease is a progressive one, without recovery, it will contine to get worse and, there is no cure for this horrible disease, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not. That's it.
Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and those at the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, they are interchangable, an addict is an addict.
Keep reading, keep posting and get to those meetings.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
