i think im ready
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 50
i think im ready
kind of long but id appreciate just being heard i suppose...
i think i may be ready...but also completely terrified. I try to comfort myself by saying that drugs will always be there so why not try inpatient, if i fail its not like ive set myself back any further than i already am. Honestly i think the biggest part is my family..having to tell them and knowing they are going to look at me like im making it all up...no one knows how broken i am inside because i wont let anyone know....i was raised to do what needs to be done...so if im crying the entire way to work then i cry but when i get there i work. i get up i get dressed i survive. I do all the right moves and say all the right things...and when i get home i pull out a needle.
I once told my mom and begged her to send me to rehab....she said i will be ok and to take the time i need to get through this. she thinks i got through it because i pretend i did. I told my brother once...he said since i looked fine then it must not be an issue. My dad...he is even harder to convince anything to....and i guess even though we don't have much of a relationship im still a daddys girl, i still want him to protect me from it all, and i don't know if i can bare him calling me a liar and looking at me with disgust.
i just...i don't want to be dead anymore. i see no beauty anymore, no joy, there is no goodness.no love, no hope, i am empty. i am 25 an i see absolutely no reason for life. so yea maybe i can survive but i don't want to just survive anymore
i don't know why im writing all of this or what i expect in response...maybe i just need more than the understanding that i have to do all of this for me.
thanks for reading
i think i may be ready...but also completely terrified. I try to comfort myself by saying that drugs will always be there so why not try inpatient, if i fail its not like ive set myself back any further than i already am. Honestly i think the biggest part is my family..having to tell them and knowing they are going to look at me like im making it all up...no one knows how broken i am inside because i wont let anyone know....i was raised to do what needs to be done...so if im crying the entire way to work then i cry but when i get there i work. i get up i get dressed i survive. I do all the right moves and say all the right things...and when i get home i pull out a needle.
I once told my mom and begged her to send me to rehab....she said i will be ok and to take the time i need to get through this. she thinks i got through it because i pretend i did. I told my brother once...he said since i looked fine then it must not be an issue. My dad...he is even harder to convince anything to....and i guess even though we don't have much of a relationship im still a daddys girl, i still want him to protect me from it all, and i don't know if i can bare him calling me a liar and looking at me with disgust.
i just...i don't want to be dead anymore. i see no beauty anymore, no joy, there is no goodness.no love, no hope, i am empty. i am 25 an i see absolutely no reason for life. so yea maybe i can survive but i don't want to just survive anymore
i don't know why im writing all of this or what i expect in response...maybe i just need more than the understanding that i have to do all of this for me.
thanks for reading
Non-Zoroastrian
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Great State of Mitten
Posts: 183
Yes, do it for you then others will follow. People get into denial all the time, especially those closest to you. There are many reasons why but it will definitely hold you back if you are not doing the right things for yourself. I did it because I didn't want to die. Wasn't sure if I really was going to but once I got the thought in my head, I couldn't let go of it and knew I had to do something drastic. What had once been a fun time turned into a prison with a death sentence and I just got out on parole as far as I'm concerned. Don't let others tell you who you are.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Golden and Welcome,
Yes, you do have to do all this for yourself and I know that seems overwhelming. When I stopped drinking I was so close to losing everything before I managed to begin to take care of myself. Take the leap of faith and believe that you are worth it. Don't worry about convincing your family. That's not as important as you doing what you need to do to get well.
We are here to support you.
Yes, you do have to do all this for yourself and I know that seems overwhelming. When I stopped drinking I was so close to losing everything before I managed to begin to take care of myself. Take the leap of faith and believe that you are worth it. Don't worry about convincing your family. That's not as important as you doing what you need to do to get well.
We are here to support you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hello, Golden. You're among friends, and we're so glad to have you here.
I was a great actress, too. No one knew what was going on inside me. That's why finding SR was so important to me. I finally had people to talk to who got what I was going through. No one in my life had my addiction issues.
Like pikkle, I quit because I didn't want to die. There was no fun or relaxation or excitement left - just a living hell. You can do this, golden - life can be beautiful again. You have everything to look forward to - be proud of the decision you're making.
I was a great actress, too. No one knew what was going on inside me. That's why finding SR was so important to me. I finally had people to talk to who got what I was going through. No one in my life had my addiction issues.
Like pikkle, I quit because I didn't want to die. There was no fun or relaxation or excitement left - just a living hell. You can do this, golden - life can be beautiful again. You have everything to look forward to - be proud of the decision you're making.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
I absolutely agree that noone knows the whole real deal, warts and all, but you Golden.
You know how much your drugging life is destroying you, and you must know it will get worse.
If I was a parent, I'd much rather know the truth and see my daughter turning her life around at the age of 25.
you have a lot of life yet to live and a lot of good things waiting for you in the years to come. It may be a bit embarrassing coming clean, and I know it's scary, but I really hope you'll take that leap of faith and start your recovery
Welcome back to SR too
D
You know how much your drugging life is destroying you, and you must know it will get worse.
If I was a parent, I'd much rather know the truth and see my daughter turning her life around at the age of 25.
you have a lot of life yet to live and a lot of good things waiting for you in the years to come. It may be a bit embarrassing coming clean, and I know it's scary, but I really hope you'll take that leap of faith and start your recovery
Welcome back to SR too
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Golden and welcome back.....
I remember the fear of getting sober, too. I put it off for far too long and like you, just focused on keeping up the appearance of being OK. It's such a miserable way to live.
The sooner you stop, the sooner you can get through the fear and back to the joy in life. It may take a while, but all you have to worry about is doing what you need to do today.
Hang in there - it will be so worth it!
I remember the fear of getting sober, too. I put it off for far too long and like you, just focused on keeping up the appearance of being OK. It's such a miserable way to live.
The sooner you stop, the sooner you can get through the fear and back to the joy in life. It may take a while, but all you have to worry about is doing what you need to do today.
Hang in there - it will be so worth it!
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
hey golden...and yes...welcome. it really does not matter whether other people know the depth of your pain. you know it. you are the one who needs to get help and get sober. dont let your life and your happiness rest on the assumptions of other people. if its understanding that you are in need of...we can. and, we cant expect other people who are not suffering from this to understand it. sobriety is something you do for yourself....then others benefit. good luck and good love....mags
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 50
Thanks to everyone who replied, its a comfort to realize that there are people who understand and that its here. I suppose it still surprises me since i've gotten so use to being alone in things.
Pikkle69: the last line of your reply really hit me " don't let others tell you who you are" I never realized how much i am actually doing that when i don't take actions because i am worried about what others may think or feel. The whole dying aspect was one of my thoughts as well, i would rather my family be disappointed or annoyed with me alive then devastated that they didn't know until after I have died.
Mags: A line in your reply also hit me hard "don't let your life and your happiness rest on the assumptions of other people" I put so much into be concerned about other people and trying to be accepted by everyone, so much as basing my self worth on how worthy others perceive me.
Thanks again to everyone who replied, i really appreciate and it def. makes me more confident in my decision. Now i just need to stay confident and not change my mind [:
(sorry if i didn't quote correctly, im not sure how to quote two replies at the same time)
Pikkle69: the last line of your reply really hit me " don't let others tell you who you are" I never realized how much i am actually doing that when i don't take actions because i am worried about what others may think or feel. The whole dying aspect was one of my thoughts as well, i would rather my family be disappointed or annoyed with me alive then devastated that they didn't know until after I have died.
Mags: A line in your reply also hit me hard "don't let your life and your happiness rest on the assumptions of other people" I put so much into be concerned about other people and trying to be accepted by everyone, so much as basing my self worth on how worthy others perceive me.
Thanks again to everyone who replied, i really appreciate and it def. makes me more confident in my decision. Now i just need to stay confident and not change my mind [:
(sorry if i didn't quote correctly, im not sure how to quote two replies at the same time)
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
good luck darlin'....i was only as good as other people thought i was too. it sure is a lighter load these days to give up caring what or how they perceive me. dont get me wrong....i still like approval. but, i dont live or die for it. again...best of luck...mags
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
Golden -
You know you the best and you know you have an issue. Why in anyone's name would the people who love you not join in and do everything possible... I'll tell you because they're scared and now you're not.
Do whatever you need to do to get sober. You want to be sober - you're tired of the life you've been leading.
Post here and we'll respond - Join the Class of November and get sober now.
You know you the best and you know you have an issue. Why in anyone's name would the people who love you not join in and do everything possible... I'll tell you because they're scared and now you're not.
Do whatever you need to do to get sober. You want to be sober - you're tired of the life you've been leading.
Post here and we'll respond - Join the Class of November and get sober now.
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