OhBoy

Every night AW passes out on the couch. Our bedroom is upstairs. So when I go to bed I have to wake her up which is a friggin horrible experience because she gets pissed at me, starts talking gibberish & flops back down on the couch to go back to sleep. It takes between 3-5 tries to finally to get her up & then she gets pissed at me when I steer her towards the stairs because she needs another drink, is hungry or some other who knows what ridiculous thing that has popped into her half conscious mind. So we finally make it to the stairs & I have to walk right behind her ready to catch her. Of course the whole time I'm behind her she tells me in no uncertain terms she is fine & she can make it on her own. Anyone ever hear that before? Then she finally flops on the bed.

So why do I do this? I know I should leave her there but if I don't do all this she wakes up in the middle of the night & tries it on her own in the dark. She has a very bad history with the stairs & to date has sprained her ankles at least a dozen times, broken one foot twice, the other once, broken her collar bone, broken her wrist, sprained her wrists & countless bruises, cuts & scrapes. I've become tired of being her nurse, housekeeper, cook, chauffeur etc. because she gets drunk, passes out & falls down. I so desperately want her to fend for herself but we can't afford her to miss anymore work financially & so she doesn't get fired from taking too much time off.

So I do this to protect myself, but it smells awfully codependent though. As I write this I wonder if I should just tell her to sleep in the downstairs bedroom, seems obvious but H & W should sleep together. But I guess it's H & AW in reality isn't it?

suki44883

Yeah, that's codie behavior. It's also enabling. She has to be allowed to face the consequences of her own actions. If she falls, she falls. I know how awful that sounds, but if you keep protecting her for the natural consequences of her bad decisions, she has no reason to stop making those bad decisions.

Do you attend alanon meetings? They can be a huge help for you. I highly recommend it.

Bernadette

from SUKII know how awful that sounds, but if you keep protecting her for the natural consequences of her bad decisions, she has no reason to stop making those bad decisions.

DITTO!

And not only are you preventing her from having a reason to stop making the bad decisions - you are preventing yourself from having a reason to look at and change what you can change in this situation which is yourself! What a LOT of energy devoted to being an adult's minder like that! Think of all the worry and energy and hassle you have in dealing with this one issue (and I am sure if she is an A there are many more issues that lead to your energy being put to her use!)

Keeping on your side of the street so to spea may be difficult at first, but it will open up a world of possibilities for freeing your mind from harmful codie ways of thought. Codependency can make you very sick and suck the life out of you.

Glad you're here! Stick around - collectively we've seen it all on "F&F of As" so please know that here you are not alone and you are understood.

Peace-
B

OhBoy

What has me confused on this is that all of the injuries ARE the result of me "letting her face the consequences" which in turn puts all the responsibilities on me whilst (always wanted to use that word!) she is incapacitated. But I guess when it happens again, aren't I optimistic, she'll have to suffer through it & nurse herself. Guess that's a detachment thing huh? I'll put all this on the list of things I never wanted to know but had to learn. I totally agree she gets to skip out on the no consequence thing. Thank you.

OhBoy

I did forget to mention the dangerous things she'll do when she wakes up downstairs like screwing with the wood stove. She also lets the dogs out in the middle of the night, not too safe cause we have coyotes around.

Is it legal to chain her to the couch?

Seren

It is alarming what someone can do to endanger the entire house when they've been drinking.....

On a practical note, you could put a locking baby gate at the bottom of the stairs so she could not try to climb them in the middle of the night, and installing an alarm and setting it before going to bed would certainly wake you when she goes on her nocturnal dog adventures. Perhaps bring her a blanket before going to bed......

Hoping for better days for you and your wife.

HG

Learn2Live

If I were in this situation, I would determine what I personally needed, write it out, and then approach the person when they were in the "right" frame of mind. I would express exactly what I would like them to do, or not do, and try to discuss solutions to my problem. I would not focus the discussion on the drinking, just my needs and how to get them met. I would never help a person physically go to bed, unless they were either a small child, sick, or in some way physically disabled.

SoloMio

The only time I ever helped AH move from where he landed in a passed out state was when he rolled down the driveway into the street. Then I called 911.

I wouldn't even consider wasting my time trying to move him upstairs. He has spent many, many, many nights sleeping upright on the couch with a half eaten sandwich falling off his lap.

But you have your own set of circumstances, and like L2L said, just do what is going to be best for YOU. Unless that's what you're doing, it is definitely codie behavior.

Carol Star

Is helping her hurting you ?

Tuffgirl

My philosophy - if you are asking if something you are doing is co-dependent, it is and you already know it is.

Policing her sounds exhausting. With today's technology, there are better ways. How about a full alarm system that sounds when the doors open, calls the police and fire when tripped for any reason, and you go to bed sleeping soundly knowing if the house catches fire or the doors open, the whole neighborhood is going to know it!

MTSlideAddict

It sounds codie to me. I did that once upon a time with my RAH

Ditto for mine. After it became such a pain to wake him up and move him off that couch, I dropped the responsibility. It is amazing how many different positions and places he slept thereafter.

Carol Star

My XAH would fall asleep/passout on the can and drop his cigarette. The bathroom floor had all these burn marks on the floor. His shirts had all these burn marks and sheets and pillow cases too. Lucky the house didn't burn down.

Ladybug0130

Honestly, I know where you are coming from wanting her to get to work and everything, but it's only a matter of time before she screws up anyway and loses the job, etc. Sometimes it's better to just let it happen sooner than later. You can't stop the progression.

I was my ex's therapist/wife/parole officer/mommy for a couple of years. I got him into bed, I pep-talked him into going to his lucrative job, I made him eat dinner and take a shower when he was smelly. I felt I had to because a) he was my husband, and b) he was the sole breadwinner and we have two small kids. But, you know what happened? He sabotaged his job eventually and lost it. He always did crazy things like leave our garage open or our gas burners on all night. He decided to stop working and drink full-time, we were going to lose our home. I sold the home and moved out. I now work full-time and make way less than we did before. But, I am glad if this was going to happen that it happened when I am 35 and not 45 or 55. I met many women who stayed with an alcoholic for 20+ years and they all told me they envied and respected me for getting out now.

Smallsteps

For me, it can be a useful and humbling exercise to acknowledge that the things I "have to" do are really things I "choose to" do.

Try it with your original post:

I find it empowering to know when I'm making choices, and I am now better at consciously making better ones. Of course, I'm still choosing to live with active alcoholism, but I feel like I'm making baby steps toward progress.

Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

akrasia

One thing I really resented was that when my AH was on a bender suddenly there was this sexist division of labour in the house, with me doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and washing up. (While sober, he's very much a equal-partner guy.)

I decided I was happy to clean and do laundry because I like to live in a clean place. I set a boundary that the drinking and sleeping had to take place in his study. I considered not doing his dishes--maybe gathering them up and putting them in his study, like you'd do with a lazy room mate--but then I decided that the mess, smell, hassle, and possible health hazard wasn't worth it. It just made it all easier when I looked at them as choices rather than things I was being forced into doing.

So maybe look at some things you could chose to do. For instance, you could just say that you're going to bed and that if she's not up there within a half-hour you're locking yourself in the bedroom because you need a proper night's sleep without having to listen out for the mumbling and fumbling. Put a mobile phone in her bathrobe pocket so she can call 911 if she falls. If she's putting the dogs in danger consistently, they need to be rehomed. Take all the matches away.

fedup3

Ohboy, I remember when I did it your way and I would be in bed the house quite just about ready to fall asleep and then the loud crash and bang! Xah falling down and me trying not to freak out. That went on for a number of years and I decided I needed a good nights sleep, so we divorced.

Cyranoak

...but it is the epitome of codie. Been there done that. For many years. I'm over it. Alanon is what saved my life and helped me break the cycle. Her rehab forced me to go to Alanon for her to stay in rehab and it cost me $8,000 when I didn't really have it, was unemployed, and was losing my house.

It is the best money I've ever spent in my life. Without question. Years later I'd do it again 1,000-fold without even thinking about it.

Good luck my friend.

Cyranoak

TakingCharge999

I would be tired too,
Normally nurses, housekeepers, cooks, chauffeurs get paid.

I read "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty and it has helped me feel better and take steps to improve my life.

Hugs
Tc999

OhBoy

The real drinking starts when she gets home, give her 3 hours & a bottle of vodka/gin & she can tie one on quick. She maintains with only "sips" as she calls it during the day. I think before work. maybe during. I haven't asked her when she does it I only know she does it. Figured whats the difference to me, she's gonna do it, I had to let go of that.

As far as confronting the situation, I only get 2 word responses from her. I'm sorry & I know are about all I get.


I know it is codie. Sometimes you have to say it out loud for it to be real. Sometimes you need someone to tell you what you've been telling yourself all along. Guess I should listen to myself more often.

I have avoided alanon so far. If I go it will actually be real & I'll really have to accept it. But I've come to terms with the fact I need to go & I will. It is tough to fit one in with my work schedule & the distance to a meeting when I do have the time. I know, that makes an easy excuse but there is a little truth hiding in there.

Also the dogs are not in consistent danger, fortunately there is a gate at the top of the stairs that I can lock them in the upstairs with me, it's when I'm away that I worry. I'll need to arrange a dog sitter when I'm away.

Thank you all. It all helps in one way or another.

dbh

I am sorry that you are going through this right now.

Just wanted to add that I understand completely how you feel about saying things aloud and how it makes it real.

When I went to my first meeting talking about my past and my life was hard but so healing. I walked away feeling 100 pounds lighter.

Peace,

db