siblingofaddict

I'm in the process of moving out of my family's home - but not yet free. For those of you who don't know, my "recovering" addict brother lives with us. He got a DUI about a month ago, was high and/or drunk. It was a bad situation though the details are almost laughable (including no pants and a golf cart...). At that point, I made a decision to change - my parents were once again gone, this time in Europe, and left me (23) here with him...now it seems he is backtracking, lying and manipulating again. My mom is starting to see, but she just lets him trample every boundary - it's 2 am, he skipped his meeting tonight and he has someone over, a girl he met through his AA meetings (going on three weeks of AA/NA meetings). Also, today he managed to get a psychiatrist to prescribe him Concerta, which I doubt the doctor would do if he knew my brother was an addict (brother said he told the doc all, another lie?) I think my mom is avoiding dealing until the court date for the DUi in 10 days...but it is 10 days too long. I can't make her be responsible for him but as long as I'm living here what do I do? I made a decision not to step up and take care of him like I have for the past year anymore....but she won't do anything about the boundaries he is violating and his disrespect for anyone else....sorry, this was a bit of a vent. I've been going to NARANON for three weeks now, but for some reason I can't think of anything to make me settle down when I am so angry to be in the same situation, where my parents don't handle things so I have to...

Impurrfect

(((Sibling))) - I'm living at home thanks to the consequences of MY addiction. Have been in recovery over 4-1/2 years, still dealing with the career/financial consequences, but have been working recovery.

My 18-year-old niece lives with us (her mom died in a car wreck, sperm-donor is back in prison, where he's been most of her life).

She's an A-in-the-making, stepmom (her grandmother) and even dad have enabled her so much she doesn't know what a consequence is...except with me.

She goes into rages, and I am usually at the brunt of it. There are reasons I can't move out, but I've finally gotten to where I stay out of "their stuff". She starts screaming at me, I either take a drive or lock myself in my room and turn up the TV to drown her out. She, seriously, wants to hit me but she knows, without one shred of doubt, I will call the cops on her if she does.

It's hard at times, but it's gotten a lot better since I've focused on me, am working hard in school, and when I realized I don't HAVE to take care of anything to do with her (or their dysfunctional relationship). I live in dysfunction junction, and I DO get angry...come here and vent, talk to people who are supportive, but I try my best to not engage.

I'm glad you'll be moving out soon, that you are going to meetings. I think I had to get really angry before I was willing to make a change and not get into heated arguments.

As for your brother and my niece? I don't know that they'll ever "get it" but I know that I only "got it" when I'd have enough consequences. It's pretty similar with my codie recovery...the consequences of being involved, and what it did to me mentally and emotionally? I just don't wanna go there any more. Can't totally avoid it, the house isn't that big, but making progress.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

suki44883

Good to hear that you are in the process of moving out. Taking what Cynical One said...if he isn't disrespecting you or your personal property, then you don't have to handle anything. If your parents refuse to do it, it just won't get done. That will be consequences for THEIR bad decisions, which they need to face. Just as we shouldn't make things easier for the addict, we shouldn't make things easier for the enablers either. If they are going to trot off to Europe and leave you with the addict, then they deserve whatever they come home to.

Hopefully, you'll be out of there soon and then you won't have to live with the fallout from any of them.

siblingofaddict

Thanks everyone, it does seem that moving out is the only answer here...props to you Amy for living in the same house! I have for a long time but the idea that the place I come home to, every night, I have to be ashamed of the idea that I need to avoid being in the same room then go up and lock my door...I'm hoping working the program will help with some anger/resentment/hurt I have built up from years of dysfunctional family stuff...and forgive everyone, including me.

As far as effecting me personally, he disrespects my boundaries (that I told him about), such as entering my room where I keep things like my journal, and he will approach me to start an argument while I'm in the bathroom out of my room if he is angry with me. But I'm sure that I can be even less involved for the week that I'm here.

Impurrfect

(((Sibling))) - My situation is nothing I would want anyone else to go through, but it is part of those consequences I brought on myself.

Can you lock your door so he can't get in? Shut the bathroom door in his face if he starts arguing? I found out, that when I put a door (or distance, when I just left the house), my niece's rage-a-rama didn't last as long.

FWIW, I have things hidden in my room..I have a lock box for my prescribed medicine I take to sleep (leftover PTSD affect from something that happened that had nothing to do with family). Stepmom has stolen meds, niece has taken clothes and cigarettes.

It's no way to live, but it is what it is. What keeps me sane is knowing I WILL eventually get my own place and I no longer feel it's MY place to straighten out my family.

You will be out in a week, and that is awesome. Just remember, when anyone expects YOU to take care of HIS issues...NMP, which my dear friend (((Anvilhead))) taught me - not my problem. Love and anger for the one causing all the problems is part of the deal..I've accepted that though I LOVE my niece, dad, stepmom, there are times I just really don't like them (and have told them so)...and it's okay. There are times they don't like me either.

Keep taking care of you, let them do them. I promise you..the more you stay involved in their issues, it will drag you down. Another saying I've heard here, and absolutely love, is "let go or be dragged".

You, so close to getting out of your own dysfunction junction, reminds me that I can do it to, and I thank you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

outtolunch

How old is your brother?

siblingofaddict

My brother is 28, though he has a very low emotional maturity (they say when someone starts using, their emotional maturity stops at that time, so he's about 16 mentally).

Impurrfect, your story helps so much. While I am sorry for your position, I also feel a little less hopeless knowing I am not alone...I look forward to the day when I can stop trying to just focus on my problems because I am not in a situation to pretend I can solve this family's...

I HOPE to be out in a week, God willing it will work out that way...