Holidays????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Holidays????
Does anyone else find themselves almost dreading the holidays? The past 2 or 3 years, the holidays are stressful from AH's actions.
How do I approach him about the drinking and how he almost runis the holidays for all of us? I tried to talk to him about it by saying, the past few holidays have beene hard to enjoy from the drinking. His reposnse it I must be pretty bad and I cant promise that I wont drink.
How do I approach him about the drinking and how he almost runis the holidays for all of us? I tried to talk to him about it by saying, the past few holidays have beene hard to enjoy from the drinking. His reposnse it I must be pretty bad and I cant promise that I wont drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 14
I used to dread the holidays... It gave my AH an excuse to start drinking earlier and with more gusto. The fighting and embarassment in front of friends and family was always heartbreaking for me and especially my girls!
I left my AH in Auguest. This will be the first year in 15 that i am looking forward to the holidays.
I left my AH in Auguest. This will be the first year in 15 that i am looking forward to the holidays.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: northwest
Posts: 33
I might do thanksgiving the weekend after just because I work. Im sure I
will invite AH over he has no family here other than the girls and I. My oldest daughter has to work Thanksgiving night. As long as he is not drinking it should be find. Thanksgiving has always been bad. It brings something out in AH. It was the 2nd or 3rd turkey together I found out he suffered from deprestion.
will invite AH over he has no family here other than the girls and I. My oldest daughter has to work Thanksgiving night. As long as he is not drinking it should be find. Thanksgiving has always been bad. It brings something out in AH. It was the 2nd or 3rd turkey together I found out he suffered from deprestion.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I used to love and then dread the holidays.
I used to love the holidays and have expectations beyond reason. I would be really caught up in a tv-land portrayal of the holidays as being a mystical and wonderful soul-satisfying event and of course, in reality it is just a bunch of people (some with baggage) sharing a turkey. With the reality of my situation with AH and the realization that, yet again, it would not be a Hallmark moment, I would react poorly. I am sure that some years I ruined the holiday because my negative response was bigger than my AH's drinking - which some people didn't know was a real problem.
When I started to dread the holidays, I also started to look at them more realistically. Rather than super high expectations, I had low expectations. This actually helped. Instead of some candle-scented soft-lit life re-enforcing moment, I was just hoping for a nice meal and nice company and that AH wouldn't be too bad. And that is often what I got.
Just my experience. Hope it helps.
I used to love the holidays and have expectations beyond reason. I would be really caught up in a tv-land portrayal of the holidays as being a mystical and wonderful soul-satisfying event and of course, in reality it is just a bunch of people (some with baggage) sharing a turkey. With the reality of my situation with AH and the realization that, yet again, it would not be a Hallmark moment, I would react poorly. I am sure that some years I ruined the holiday because my negative response was bigger than my AH's drinking - which some people didn't know was a real problem.
When I started to dread the holidays, I also started to look at them more realistically. Rather than super high expectations, I had low expectations. This actually helped. Instead of some candle-scented soft-lit life re-enforcing moment, I was just hoping for a nice meal and nice company and that AH wouldn't be too bad. And that is often what I got.
Just my experience. Hope it helps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Have the holiday experience you want - regardless of what anyone else does. You can't control them anyway, but you can control your own behavior, expectations, and attitudes toward it all.
I look back on the last four years of holidays and although there was some issues with the drinking, I can honestly say I enjoyed the holidays because I chose to at that time, and choose today to look back and focus on the positive. It's all a choice we make, that's where our own personal power is, and where I choose to exercise control.
I look back on the last four years of holidays and although there was some issues with the drinking, I can honestly say I enjoyed the holidays because I chose to at that time, and choose today to look back and focus on the positive. It's all a choice we make, that's where our own personal power is, and where I choose to exercise control.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 20
Being the AH (assuming AH= Alchy Husband) I have been reading this section for some family perspective. It's been very helpful.
I am actually looking forward to Thanksgiving this year for the first time in decades. My wife always has such big plans and expectations for the holidays and I always just blew it off as dumb. She would want me to get up early and help with the turkey, hung over no dice. She wanted to go for a drive and see (whatever it was that year), I couldn't drive too many beers. She wanted to watch a movie after dinner, I drank outside with the neighbors or friends or whoever.
I'm doing things different this year it's the least I can do after screwing it up for her for so many years. I'm going to do this Thanksgiving just like she always wanted it. And I am looking forward to making her happy.
I am actually looking forward to Thanksgiving this year for the first time in decades. My wife always has such big plans and expectations for the holidays and I always just blew it off as dumb. She would want me to get up early and help with the turkey, hung over no dice. She wanted to go for a drive and see (whatever it was that year), I couldn't drive too many beers. She wanted to watch a movie after dinner, I drank outside with the neighbors or friends or whoever.
I'm doing things different this year it's the least I can do after screwing it up for her for so many years. I'm going to do this Thanksgiving just like she always wanted it. And I am looking forward to making her happy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I actually am starting to enjoy the holidays more because my son is just turning 2 in January. So, it is getting to be a fun age to be able to share experiences with him. I have already completed the x-mas shopping, toy wise, for all the kids!
I always love Thanksgiving, because who doesn't like the food. Usually all the other people around overshadow the fact that A drinks all he can. I don't pay any attention to it or let it ruin my time. Also, other people are drinking too. I am not the alcohol police, nor, do I want to be, especially during the holidays.
I always love Thanksgiving, because who doesn't like the food. Usually all the other people around overshadow the fact that A drinks all he can. I don't pay any attention to it or let it ruin my time. Also, other people are drinking too. I am not the alcohol police, nor, do I want to be, especially during the holidays.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
I'm dis-inviting my alcoholic father from Thanksgiving this year. I don't know where he'll spend Thanksgiving, but it won't be at my house. This is the first Thanksgiving in my entire life (I'm 29) that my dad won't be there.
But that's a boundary. There've been too many holidays where my dad's drinking has been out of control. He and my mom are separating (mostly amicably), but still, I think it will be better for everyone, including him, because I don't allow him to drink in my home, if he isn't there.
But that's a boundary. There've been too many holidays where my dad's drinking has been out of control. He and my mom are separating (mostly amicably), but still, I think it will be better for everyone, including him, because I don't allow him to drink in my home, if he isn't there.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I always dread the holidays a bit, because it turns into another case of "How do I explain to my parents this time why I don't want to visit without hurting anyone's feelings or starting any defensive reactions?"
That, plus the fact my mother tends to get really stressed out around holidays, so she's guaranteed to spend at least a few hours yelling at someone.
This Thanksgiving it's been better, I think. I explained to my mother how the last time I went to visit and spent the night I felt uncomfortable, because there wasn't a bed for me to sleep in so I spent the night on the floor in the living room, with my sister's boyfriend somewhere in the house. Not that I don't trust him, I just don't like the thought of an unrelated male who may wake up and come upstairs and see me while I'm still sleeping. So I slept in my clothes, and woke up early and exhausted, and it wasn't fun. I wouldn't have visited if I had known I'd be spending the night on the floor in a room without a door.
I explained that to her this time around, though, and she of course "didn't remember" that happening, as usual. This time, though, my father did remember it, so we had a discussion on what I expected my sleeping arrangements to be like come Christmas, when I will be visiting.
Here's hoping.
I did solve my general problems with visiting them, of course, by always driving myself there - then I can leave whenever I want. Sometimes I'll just go outside, or visit a friend... I haven't had to leave entirely yet, and I hope I never feel the need to do so, but I have the means if it becomes necessary, and that makes me feel much more emotionally stable and secure.
I would have left after learning the sleeping arrangements for my sleep-in-the-open-in-the-living-room experience, except that (1) I wasn't so strong in my boundaries then as I am now, and (2) I didn't realize those were the arrangements until very late that night, and didn't feel comfortable turning around to drive back at 11pm the day before the holiday when I had intended to see my grandparents the next morning.
Progress, not perfection. I'm a work in progress, but I'm getting there!
That, plus the fact my mother tends to get really stressed out around holidays, so she's guaranteed to spend at least a few hours yelling at someone.
This Thanksgiving it's been better, I think. I explained to my mother how the last time I went to visit and spent the night I felt uncomfortable, because there wasn't a bed for me to sleep in so I spent the night on the floor in the living room, with my sister's boyfriend somewhere in the house. Not that I don't trust him, I just don't like the thought of an unrelated male who may wake up and come upstairs and see me while I'm still sleeping. So I slept in my clothes, and woke up early and exhausted, and it wasn't fun. I wouldn't have visited if I had known I'd be spending the night on the floor in a room without a door.
I explained that to her this time around, though, and she of course "didn't remember" that happening, as usual. This time, though, my father did remember it, so we had a discussion on what I expected my sleeping arrangements to be like come Christmas, when I will be visiting.
Here's hoping.
I did solve my general problems with visiting them, of course, by always driving myself there - then I can leave whenever I want. Sometimes I'll just go outside, or visit a friend... I haven't had to leave entirely yet, and I hope I never feel the need to do so, but I have the means if it becomes necessary, and that makes me feel much more emotionally stable and secure.
I would have left after learning the sleeping arrangements for my sleep-in-the-open-in-the-living-room experience, except that (1) I wasn't so strong in my boundaries then as I am now, and (2) I didn't realize those were the arrangements until very late that night, and didn't feel comfortable turning around to drive back at 11pm the day before the holiday when I had intended to see my grandparents the next morning.
Progress, not perfection. I'm a work in progress, but I'm getting there!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I stopped allowing my wife to go to holiday events. I didn't tell her about them and without me as the conduit she was rarely invited (turns out most of the family was tired of her **** too). Also, I was tired of playing my part in the "we're a happy couple show." If she did find out about an event and went to it, I didn't go or I left, but most of the time she stayed home and drank.
I did learn to have a good time without her, and appreciate the holidays with the rest of my family and my Darling Daughter.
It took me a long time to get to that point, but I was sick of bearing the burden alone. If the rest of the family didn't like it they could ******* deal with her and figure out their own boundaries because another thing I learned along the way is that I wasn't my wife's parent, nor am I the parent of any of my other family members (except my daughter). I now reserve my parenting exclusively for her.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
I did learn to have a good time without her, and appreciate the holidays with the rest of my family and my Darling Daughter.
It took me a long time to get to that point, but I was sick of bearing the burden alone. If the rest of the family didn't like it they could ******* deal with her and figure out their own boundaries because another thing I learned along the way is that I wasn't my wife's parent, nor am I the parent of any of my other family members (except my daughter). I now reserve my parenting exclusively for her.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
This Thanksgiving will be the first holiday since the divorce and I'm really looking forward to it knowing I just have to worry about me and not XAH getting drunk and insulting one of my family members, ugh. So, I'm having Thanksgiving this year and there will be about 18 of us and I'm so excited. My sister asked if I wanted her to come over early to help me out (seeing my daughter won't be there she's working) and I told her no thanks I've got it seeing all the years I had it before I did it all by myself anyways but then I was under the delusion that my XAH was helping me, NOT!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I am spending Thanksgiving with my younger daughter's family. This will be the first time I have gone to visit them without her and I am really looking forward to it. I'll be there 4 days and I am having my 1st tur-duck-en. Can't wait.
I'm not sure what my christmas plans are yet but I know they don't involve the AW.
Your friend,
I'm not sure what my christmas plans are yet but I know they don't involve the AW.
Your friend,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I went to my families, and, he was not invited, my family told him that he was not welcome. He had ruined too many holidays.
Me, I was fine with it, I finally enjoyed a Holiday Season and so did my family.
The next year I didn't have to give it a second thought, I tossed him out. Best decision I ever made in my life!
Me, I was fine with it, I finally enjoyed a Holiday Season and so did my family.
The next year I didn't have to give it a second thought, I tossed him out. Best decision I ever made in my life!
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