story74

I was blindsided and shocked by my husband's (now x) addiction. He has pretty much abandoned my son and I. He has seen his son 4 times since May. He is allowed 2 hours supervised visitation a week, but always seems to cancel. Something always comes up. He rarely responds to my communication. Rarely communicates with his family. And lies.

I went thru the shock, and now things are starting to settle. I am starting to accept this is how it is. I am actually starting to get my happy back!

What I am starting to see now is the demise of my relationship with his sister, and that hurts. Everytime I talk to her I feel like I am being judged. I feel as though she blames me and has not accepted the fact he is an addict. It is just sad. I was so close to his family, and now feel as though I am loosing them too. He NEVER calls his family.

I am trying to be beyond reproach dealing with my addict husband, but it can be hard. He is consistant at only one thing...breaking our hearts. He is constantly canceling on my son, saying he will have money and then not. He never once calls and asks how we are. He rarely responds to my phone calls, texts or emails. So, sometimes I do loose it on him. The last blow up he and I had, I called him the next day and apologized. I promised I would not call him names or say anything hurtful to him again. To be honest, I apologized because I didn't want to fight anymore. But the reason I lost it on him in the first place is because he ignored my questions about finances. Anyways, I apologized. He calmed down and appreciated my apology. And my motto from that day on was to be beyond reproach. So, the next week he owed me money and I politely called him. I called him 6 times and got no response. I sent him a text and I finally got a response via text that he would have money for me on Monday. Did he? no. No phone call or communication about when he would have money for me. He didn't even call to see his son (he is suppose to see him on Monday's. So, I didn't yell scream or name call. I just ignored it. In the beginning, I was contacting him on a daily basis. Now, I do not contact him unless it is a financial question. After writing this out, I realize I need to just give up trying to get money from him and have absolute NO CONTACT. I'm getting there.

I found out from his sister that he called her looking for his other sisters cell number. This is the 2nd time he has called her since may. First, she hide the fact he called her from me. Then, she told me that she asked him why he doesn't respond to me, and he said because of the way I respond to him. This makes me so mad. And of course I could sense from his sister that she believed him. Yes, I get mad at him and sometimes act and say things that are mean, BUT HE RARELY RESPONDS OR ANSWERS MY COMMUNICATION! HE NEVER FOLLOWS THRU ON ANYTHING AND ALWAYS LIES. I can't tell you how many times he said he will have money for me, and doesn't. Or how many times he cancels on our son. The hurtful list of things he has done to my son and I is SOO long. Anyways, so my relationship with his sister has gone from speaking to her everyday, to speaking maybe 1 a month. EVERYTIME I talk to her I feel judged. Like this is all my fault. Um, I don't think so.

So, I realize he is demonizing me and being manipulative by trying to place blame on me. I refuse to tolerate it, but it does make me mad and it does make me want to defend myself. I don't feel I have done anything wrong. In fact, I have tried sit and talk, and communicate with him, but he is the one who refuses. He is so irrational.

Dealing with an addict is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I wish I could never speak to him again, but we do have a child, and legally his allowed to have 2 hours a week supervised. Although, this has only happened 2 times since Aug. 12. I am hoping he will just disappear.

It is just so frustrating how unfair he is. I am trying soooo hard to stay beyond reproach. I don't really know the point of this post. Just to vent. I am am just so tired of dealing with this. And am so sad that I am loosing his family. And think it is unfair I have to defend myself.

But, after writing this post I have realized something...absolute NO CONTACT! And if he does ever contact me about seeing our son I will be professionaly poliet. Beyond reproach!

Farfalla

story74,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am also sending you hugs.
My AH has painted a picture for his family as well. It is their way of deflecting and not taking responsibility for their actions. It doesn't matter what they think of you or the situation. They will learn in time. The truth always has a way of coming out.
You mentioned he has two hours supervised visitation? Is that through the court? If so just fill out the court paperwork for financial support and you won't have to have contact at all. They can garnish his wages. Why torture yourself this way?
There is no need for you to defend yourself. You and the people who truly matter know what kind of person you are and above all else so does GOD. GOD is the only one judges.
Hugs to you.

hello-kitty

I found sporadic visits were harder on my son than just cutting off contact all together. He really missed his dad at first and blamed me, but now 2 years later, he's got consistency in his life and we are working with a counselor on the other issues that arose from being abandoned by his drug addict father.

I never should have tried to encourage the relationship between the two of them. I should have let him go when my son was a baby. However, I remind myself that my son is still young and that life is a journey. He's better off with no contact because he has stability and consistency. It's better for his self-esteem.

Oh and you may want to consider changing your phone number and not giving him the new one. That way, if he wants to contact someone about visits, he can just go through the courts, and you don't have to deal with it anymore.

Ann

Melody Beattie wrote "There is nothing more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give."

He's an active addict so he has no responsibility or accountability to give, he has no money to give and no emotional support for you or his child to give. He has nothing to give anyone except the dopeman, and that's the sad truth.

My heart goes out for you and my prayers. My father died when I was 6 (a loving man with cancer) and in hindsight I can see how hard my mother worked to raise my 2 brothers and me. It will be hard work for you too, but you will find the strength because to are no longer dealing with the insanity of addiction. You may have some tough days ahead, but they won't be as tough as the days you have already been through.

Somewhere in recovery we find that we are no longer a "victim" and have become a "survivor". I think you have reached that point with grace.

Hugs

dollydo

Court ordered visitations and child support are in order and the support issue can be enforced. His wages can be garnished.

It is his responsibility to help support his son, don't back off on that issue.

As for your relationship with his sister, sometimes one needs to just back off and see where the chips fall where they may. My exabf's sister, in the beginning, believed all his lies, I stopped contacting her. She called me one day and admitted that she had made a mistake and wanted to be my friend, we have been friends ever since...I allowed her to make her own decision. We do not discuss her brother, we have too many other positive
"things" to discuss....works for me.