codependent no more question

Old 11-11-2011, 05:21 AM
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codependent no more question

So, I started my book and finished the whats codependency and who's got it part. I knew going it to the book I have it. The first story about Jessica could of easily!!!! been replaced with my name. But, now I have a question. I really think my codependcy started with my dad. He is an adult child of an alcoholic and he is still mad as he** at him. I have left my RAH. We are seperated but agreed to kind of work on ourselves right now and be parents to our kids. I feel good about it.

My dad just these last few weeks just still is constantly yelling at me. Dad says I am smarter than this and should just leave him. I need to move on and find a dependable guy. Yesterday, he tried to tell me that I am trying to use my 9 year old as a companion. Now, two things I lost a child and his Birthday would be TODAY. Of course, I am different with my son. I HAVE LOST A CHILD. Do I spoil him and hate to disappoint him? YES! but use him as a companion. NO. If anything we are close because of what I went through. MY RAH worked constantly and did I say I lost a child suddenly that I did not know was sick with a lung defect? And my 9 year old does great in school, has a wonderful personality and has never had any issues at school. Maybe, I want to give my RAH that shares the fact with me that we lost a child that he found time to be that dependable person my dad wants for me. I don't know what I want and have learned from you all that is OK.

My dad was raised by an alcoholic that still drinks. My dad is a codependent. There is no talking to him about it and the only reason I even ever see him is my mom. I am not looking forward to the holidays. I realize in just the little of the book I have read I was raised to be a codependent. I watched my mom deal with my dad who didn't drink but acted like an A. I was taught to walk on eggshells around my dad and my sister who was like my dad and a ticking time bomb. I have always picked guys that were bad for me. In fact, my grandma before she passed would say she would rescue me so I could get a break. My mom has thought about leaving my dad but stays when she tells me I should leave my RAH who I do not think is as bad as my dad. No wonder I am all messed up.

So, I am thinking that I need to go about this book maybe twice. And first deal with my dad and sister. I am wondering what others think. I have so much built up towards them. So wodering before I start if you agree to just focus on my dad and sister first then go back and focus on my RAH. Or is i possible focus on both at the same time.
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Old 11-11-2011, 05:35 AM
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aah! you are me....your dad has the alcoholism traits...meaning whatever he grew up with..was brought into your home...your dad is an ADULT CHILD OF AN ALCOHOLIC..he too will benifit of this place and AL ANON...but thats him...

I go to AL ANON...did not know if i was in the right place or not, but again, the 12 steps and traditions call my name everyday....i just change the 1st step...

1. i am powerless of PEOPLE, PLACES, and THINGS...

and so on....

AL ANON will be good for you...i know its helped me so much with my relationships with my parents on so many levels...

also, your dad...well, these are his issues....

put yourself 1st and the children, because NO ONE ELSE WILL!!
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Old 11-11-2011, 05:39 AM
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Hi Brownhorse,
I have found that what serves me best is to focus on me, and my interactions with all around me. I was surprised at the similarities of my behavior, even if the circumstances were different with the people in my life. I found I had healthy relationships and unhealthy ones, and tried to see what made the healthy ones healthy, rather than pick apart the problems spots.

I can't change anyone, but I can change the way I react to anyone I choose. It really is freeing to know that I'm not a victim, but instead an active participant that can call my own shots, and create the balance I need.

(((Hugs)))
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Old 11-11-2011, 05:43 AM
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Oh my, I felt the same way when reading the book (the first time). My biggest issue was my mother.

In reading the book for the first time, I felt like there was a photo album of names and faces flashing before my eyes. I wanted to buy a copy for my mom, my sister, and one for my alcoholic. I wanted the alcoholic to read it so he would know about the changes I was making.

I never got my mom, sister or alcoholic to read that book.

I read it.

I read it again.

Then I noticed the dysfunctional cycles continued after an extended period of time, so I read it again and did the exercises at the end of the chapters.

It took reading the book more than once for me to realize that the only person I could change with that information was myself. Just seeing the roles in my dysfunctional family of origin, did not help me remove my unhealthy reactions. It just gave me labels for the behaviors around me. I would say that was my Awareness Step. I was aware of the behavior throughout my home and family.

By re-reading the book, I was able to Accept the behaviors as part of how my family of origin chose to respond to life situations. I also had to Accept that I was carrying on unhealthy generational reactions.

It wasn't until I took the time to read the book and do the exercises at the end of each chapter, that I moved into the Action step of recovery. I was able to take Action (baby steps) to respond to others behaviors without trying to control the outcomes.

For me, I needed to read the material and move through the phases of Awareness, Acceptance and Action at each reading. I wasn't ready to digest all the information after one reading. It was a gradual process for me, and it is one I continue to work on as I grow in recovery.

Peace and hugs to you as you find your way!
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Old 11-12-2011, 03:28 PM
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Thanks all for reading. It has been a very hard weekend.
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Old 11-13-2011, 02:34 AM
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So, I am thinking that I need to go about this book maybe twice. And first deal with my dad and sister. I am wondering what others think. I have so much built up towards them. So wodering before I start if you agree to just focus on my dad and sister first then go back and focus on my RAH. Or is i possible focus on both at the same time.
There is nothing wrong with going through a book or other Recovery material twice. Or three or four or twenty times. There are several I have read many times because it seems I learn a lesson, then I forget, and need to learn it again, just with a different person That's just how life works. Life brings you the same lesson over and over until you learn it completely. I have been brought the same "person" many times. They just all look a little differently than the last one. Many of my boyfriends have been just like my dad.

Try to focus on you, how you feel, what you're doing, etc. The way I did this at first was to begin to learn how to LISTEN to myself. In the beginning I heard myself begin most of my sentences with "He" and "She." Now, when discussing relationship issues, I begin my sentences with "I."

A good author to read in addition to Beatty is Harville Hendrix. They should have him at the library.
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