Matilda99

I joined a few months ago not really sure whether I wanted to quit drinking or not...I quit for about three weeks and then thought that I could handle it again. Well...I couldn't. I drank wayy too much and damaged relationships that were important to me by saying and doing things that I would never do sober. I've always had a hard time dealing with the regrets of what I did in the past while drunk...which has inevitably led me to feel shame/bad about myself and try and find release with drinking again. I know that it is hard for people that drink normally to understand that someone could do something completely out of character while drunk, and truly not want to, but how can I help them to see that, and how can I get over the regret and terrible shame I feel? I can't help but grieve for the person I used to be...which I can see I just am not anymore. How did you guys deal with overcoming the shame??

Primrose

When I drank I would do things that never in a million years would I do sober. I felt a lot of shame and regret over things I have done while dinking. I have said I'm sorry soooo many times. I have always been a firm believer in actions speak louder than words. I decided to quit drinking. I did it for me, nobody asked me to, I was tired of all of the consequences that came along with drinking. While I was actively drinking I was constantly reliving my past regrets and shame. Now that I haven't had anything to drink in a few months I feel like a new person, I look forward to the future, am regaining my self esteem and I no longer dwell on the past and have that shame and regret. So for me, quitting drinking was the key to getting rid of feelings of shame and regret.

quitforme79

I am still having a hard time dealing with the shame and my regrets but I'm only 12 days in. I do know that people like us tend to be harder on ourselves than need be. For example, I would forgive someone sooner for their mistake or misbehavior than I would for mine. So, with that in mind I am trying to learn to accept what has happened in the past, realize it's done and take comfort in the fact that I will never have to feel that shame again if I never drink again.

alaskasunshine

That is pretty much what kept me going back to the bottle every time. I did things drunk that were beyond humiliating, things that caused soooo much pain the ones closest to me. And the ONLY time I felt relief was when I drank again. *sigh* so glad to be off of that roller coaster.
hang in, it does get better, it really does.

cuyootoo

Shame and regret are the worst things about hangovers... It's those memories that start coming back about half way through the next day that I loathe the most. I tried not to think about them, but they kept coming back.

Shame and regret is not an empowering paradigm, but I think our parents are partially to blame for this, "How could you have done that billy... shame on you!" It's a symptom of depression to have shame, but I think that honest remorse is healthy. Anyhow, regret is part of the human condition with or without alcoholism. Everybody has regrets, even Shindler. And he saved a lot of jewish people from death during the holocaust.

I think there is a psychological formula out there for living a life free of shame and regret. It probably goes something like doing good things for humanity and all that. Personally, I believe, if there is a last judgement, most americans are going to be ashamed of their lives and regret their rampid consumerism. Whatever.... This is going nowhere. There is no joy here in this topic. I am going to focus on other things.

adore79

I think it is somewhat of a good thing to feel guilty after doing bad things while drunk. In many cases it can act as extra motivation to quit. It shows that we understand the concept of taking responsibility for ourselves, that even though we were drunk at the time we acted badly we are ultimately responsible for it in the same way as if we had acted that way while sober.

It is a bad bad situation when someone does something stupid while drunk and then later tries to abolish her/himself from blame by saying the alcohol made them do it. THEY chose to drink the alcohol.

cuyootoo

Then there is the flipside fallacy that says everything will get better when we stop drinking. Alcohol is never the main problem, though it is usually one of the many problems. Depression is often more of a problem than alcoholism. Since alcohol is a depressant it's safe to say most alcoholics are suffering from Depression. Excessive shame feelings are a symptom of Depression.

People do some crazy things while drunk, so personally, I don't think it's fair to punish them the same way as somebody who did those same crazy things sober. For instance, if a drunk college student goes streaking with a bunch of other drunk college students. It would be pretty messed up to give them a criminal record over that.

But if a lone sober guy goes streaking, then that's pretty weird. Or if a sober guy runs somebody off the road because of road rage that's worse than a drunk driver hitting a tree. Whatever, feeling guilty isn't going to help our recovery, but we can do things better now that we are sober. And we can feel dignity for living a moral life and having character.

instant

In my experience once I stopped drinking the shame, anguish, regret, guilt etc etc etc went away. I have rebuilt damaged relationships and have more self respect. To get this I had to give up resentment, and the idea that I deserved a drink to cope with the daily hardships of a comfortable suburban existence.

soberlicious

I agree, instant. When I quit the constant, daily shame went away. I did have some lingering shame and guilt for some things related to some experiences that my children endured as a result of my drinking. The last experience was quite serious. But even with that, the only real way of apologizing was to live differently and in doing so, over time, they have come to trust that those things will never happen again. I acknowledged my wrongs. I changed. Hanging on to the shame serves no purpose. When I do something stupid nowadays, I correct it right away. I'm human, and it's going to happen, but without the booze the frequency and intensity of my stupid moves is far less. I no longer feel that crippling shame that I was a failure and a bad person, a fraud, a liar, and a loser. I know that I'm not. It is a wonderful feeling to hold my head up high. It's one of the main reasons I know I will never drink again.

Dee74

I had to draw a line under my past when I got sober.
However much I wanted to change it, my past is forever closed to me.

Today however is a blank canvas and I've tried to use every day as best I can. I've found helping others is a great way to start afresh - it's not the only way, but it's definitely a way that works for me.

In that way my sober life became a kind of living amends for the things I did as a active drinker (although I don't think of it in that way anymore).

I don't think we should ever forget the past, or abdicate our responsibility for the things we did, but I do think we have to decide to forgive ourselves at some point...otherwise that will forever drag us down...and may in fact lead us back to the bottle.

D

Matilda99

thanks all for your replies. I guess it is more important to go through the discomfort of honesty and apology than it is to indulge in reclusion. Thanks again, your replies mean a lot!

least

It took me a while after I stopped drinking to be able to deal with the shame and guilt and regret I felt about myself. Once I'd been sober for a few months and was thinking more clearly I could learn to forgive myself and work on myself so such behaviors would never happen again.

Saliena

I am still very much dealing with the shame/regret but, I try to remember all the things I did are somehow a part of me. I am grateful I didn't kill anyone in all the DUI's that I got... and I go on. I can not change the past. I can be grateful that I am sober today and I can move forward.

Anna

There are lots of good replies here.

I don't think that you can convince someone that you were acting out of character. I felt the same way and really wanted my family to understand. It didn't work, and instead I had to learn patience. I had to learn that it would take time and a lot of work on my part to show people that I was a different person now.

I found that journalling really helped me to get through a lot of the shame and guilt.