AB1111

I'm having a great deal of trouble understanding why my sponsor wants me to continue to do things for my wife that seem to be giving her the impression that I am still in love with her. Buy her flowers, cook her favorite meal, etc. She is a good person and would never abandon her or purposely harm her. And I do love her just not in love with her. There has been too much damage with infidelity on both parts, absolutely nothing in common, and horrible verbal abuse. She has a very strong alanon program and I'm very happy she has found a Loving support group. My 18 year old daughter is a member as well. I realize now that fear of going through a divorce is one of the excuses I used to drink and delayed the process. I just don't want to lead her on any longer. I haven't finished taking all 12 steps yet. I'm just ready to move on and very frustrated!

Dee74

I'm not sure how long you've been sober AB1111 but I know I was very different at 3 months than I was at day, and then different again at 6 months....

I'd caution you against making any kind of big life decisions until you find out who sober you is.

As for as your sponsor's suggestions, I don't think buying flowers and cooking dinners is such a big ask myself, but you're free not to take those suggestions, right?

I'm pretty sure your wife knows what the real deal is between you two anyway.

D

cuyootoo

You just said a lot of things. That's a lot of emotion and feelings packed in there AB. I hope you can process that frustration into something that will bring you joy and contentment. That's cool that you don't want to abandon your wife despite all the pain she has caused you. I can honestly say, I still love my x even though I divorced her. Love and hate go hand in hand. Divorce is a horrible thing my friend. Stop me if you have heard this one before, but when we were going through our divorce, my x even said that she wasn't sure if she ever loved me. Yea right, 11 years and two kids later, she isn't sure that she ever loved me?!?! Just saying, just because you are not in love with your wife doesn't mean you aren't in love with your wife... If you are anything like me or my x wife.

Anyway, I always think it's dumb when a sponsor tries to tell a sponsee to do this or that thing. But then I remember that part of being an alcoholic means having lost a lot of social skills. It's funny to watch a bunch of alcoholics trying to help each other out. And give each other lame advice like I am doing right now. At least we do reach out in our own way.

Look at it this way, chances are you both slept with other people before you got married, just because you both slept with other people after you got married doesn't mean you can't sleep together and be monogomous again??? Is that warped or what!

AB1111

If you could expand on what my wife thinks is the real deal I would appreciate it.

cuyootoo

If your wife still wants to work on your marriage, maybe she thinks you are the real deal AB?

Dee74

Sorry

I don't know what your wife thinks is the real deal - I simply meant I don't think it's possible to 'lead her on' by buying flowers etc...she's lived through all this too, and she'll have her own very definite ideas on the marriage just as you do

maybe she's the one you really should be talking to?

D

ACT10Npack

I was never married so I can't give you any personal advice on the subject. But I was always scared to dump a girl that I was dating. My best advice is to talk to your wife about this subject and put everything on the table on how you feel about her and yourself and the marriage in general.

I can understand why your sponsor would tell you to do nice things with your wife but leading her that everything is okay with the marriage is plan out lying to her in my opinion.

AB1111

I'm in no place to make any descions right now. My head is insane and not seeing things clearly. Doing the 5th step tomorrow. I've been told that the disease is trying to do anything it can to kill me. Made a lot of sense to hear it put that way. thank you for the responses.

Spiderkitty

If you remain this open-minded, patient and generous in your sobriety, the outcome will unfailingly be good! Sounds like you're doing well. Keep it up!

Anna

Hi,

I understand that an AA sponsor gives you suggestions on how to deal with things, but please remember that you are ultimately responsible for decisions you make involving your marriage and your wife. That is something that is between the two of you.

AB1111

I've been able to see more clearly now why my sponsor has made the suggestions he has regarding my wife and our marriage. Because I am a real alcoholic i have to treat her, myself, and others in a loving, caring, compassionate way and let God handle everything else. What a relief!!!

Fenris

I can absolutely relate to that. My sponsor has suggested I do plenty of things that I thought were absolutely asinine and that only make sense a little ways down the road when I'm reminded that the purpose of AA isn't just to keep me sober -- it's to help me transform into the best version of myself possible through conscious contact with the God of my understanding.

Pinkcuda

Your sponsor should say "that's none of my business" when it comes to your relationship with your wife. A sponsors job is to take us down the path they took and help us understand the 12 steps, AA and recovery. Leave the relationship stuff to the professionals.

WritingFool

I can offer no suggestions, AB, because I felt that was about my ex husband and we are both better off apart. However, waiting has definite merits as well, and it is great that you are achieving clarity in regard to the whole situation! Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.