celticgenes

Hello, All, I am new to SR, sober 6 years and happily so. Not so happy that my AH fiance (sober 5 years) made the unilateral decision to "have a few" while on a hunting trip "with the boys". I'm even less happy that he seems baffled by my feelings of betrayal. His life is his to lead, but we had some very frank discussions about my not being on the path of active addiction.

His view-he should have the freedom to decide to situationally drink, provided he does not return to daily drinking. My view-he's kidding himself, and it's just a matter of time before any "situation" seems like an opportunity to drink.

I do know relapse is part of the disease of addiction, but do I cut and run, or stick it out? I know no one can answer that but me, just looking for some thoughts and support. I guess I need to evaluate my codependency issues

humnbird

Hi There,

Welcome and thank you for posting your story... I'm sure many many people with experience will post here, and you'll get the support you need. Your story sounds EXACTLY like mine to a t. When I was 5 years sober my bf (sober a "year" not really I found out) relapsed openly and went from being in step one to forgetting his addiction ever existed. I was really baffled. Like how can you even begin to think you can use, READ your step one!! anyways, I stayed with him because he seemed to be always going on the wagon for keeps and I had no experience in alanon or anything. I thought my primary purpose was to carry the message and be selfless to another addict no matter what. I was wrong. I suggest supplementing your AA (or NA?) with alanon. it really really helps deals with the emotions and their literature is superb.

Just know that there are women going through what you are, and if you ask anyone sober what you should do they will tell you to leave him. Thats what happened to me so I stopped going to meetings, and sacrificed my own recovery. That is the only things I regret, letting my program suffer which led eventually to me wanting to use, not because of him but because of the emotional pain of the situation and being ashamed and isolated. Don't take on shame for his addiction!

Stay strong, and most of all take care of yourself.

least

If it were me, it would depend on the strength of our relationship. If it was a good strong healthy relationship I'd give him another chance to not screw up anymore. If the relationship was shaky I'd not feel so generous, I guess...

Whatever you do, take care of yourself.

Anna

Hi,

It sounds like he has made it clear he is going to drink on his terms, though not every day. I think we both know you don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic. And, we also know that alcoholism is a progressive disease.

Personally, I don't believe that relapse is part of addiction. He is making a conscious choice to drink. I hope that you can find some peace in this relationship.

SSIL75

Is it possible he's not really an alcoholic? That's the only way I can see this ending well.

Dee74

welcome celticgenes
I know you'll find great help and advice here - I see you've already posted in the FF forums too

It would certainly concern me if I was in your shoes...at nearly 5 years sober myself it would concern me if I was in your bf's shoes too.

D

celticgenes

Thank you all for your kind, supportive replies. If I speak to my live support system (siblings, friends, etc), damn straight they will vote for leaving him. I'm not going to do that at this moment, but it is definitly on the back burner. I know I can't "talk" him into seeing my point of view. Frustrating! I read a great Buddhist quote about addiction: it's like licking honey off a razor blade. Tastes so good, until we slice our tongue off. Love that.

And yes, he really is an alcoholic. There's an outside chance that I'm wrong, but I've known him for 20+ years and he does not have a normal take it or leave it relationship with alcohol. If he thinks he has learned to relate differently, well, time will tell.

I'm just sad. Things had been going so well. I was truly stunned by his casual announcement. BTW, he feels proud that he was "honest" with me about it.

Dee74

We can be champions at deluding ourselves CG - you'd know that yourself.

I really hope your BF has an 'a-ha' moment before he gets in trouble or too far down that particular road, but regardless of that, I hope you take care of yourself & your boundaries .

D

celticgenes

Thank you Dee! BTW, my sister calls me Dee . I am keeping good track of my boundaries. One of the gifts I've received in recovery/al anon. I won't be afraid to pull the plug if needed. I just so very much want this to work! Ahh, magical thinking! I'll try to keep realistic thinking in the picture.

steelmagnolia

hey celtic..i understand your concern and worry. when my husband and i met, he was new in recovery and i had never really known an alcoholic. after we were together for about 3 months...he decided he wanted to drink with "control". it sounded plausible to me because i didnt know anything about it. geezlaweez...did that open my eyes for the next 11 years!! there is NO SUCH THING for an alcoholic. i saw things that made my eyes invert. my husband is now 5 yrs clean and sober and we are both in the program. and, from my experience i think your fiance has still not hit his bottom. he still has a lesson to learn and i hope he does it quick! stay or leave...i cant say. i can say that he is lying to himself and you. best of luck...best of love...mags

Saliena

We all have our own road to walk and maybe he hasn't quite found his road yet. Best of luck to you...

celticgenes

Saliena, you are so right. We each do walk our own road. For the time being, I am walking, warily, next to my fiance. If we are indeed not on the same path, my hope is that we can part as adults, without too much drama. Although in context, drama is kind of the soup we're in! Thanks for your thoughts.

Tigger41

I wish I felt differently but when I read this I thought - oh this isn't going to end well.

Maybe he'll come back into his mind and stop drinking again and get back on the path with you - sounds like you've put too much energy into everything to go down his path with him (if he chooses to take this one).

Good luck and I'm routing for you here in Philly.