seattletiki

Hello, I'm reaching out to get help. I'm in a relationship with a man who i believe has a heavy drinking problem but hides the full severity from me. He keeps a gallon of voldka in the freezer, drinks daily, but never misses work and is able to fully function. I'm not sure how to approach him with my concerns. When i mentioned it in the past, he thanked me for saying i thought he drank too much and should watch how much. Ever since i said that to him he doesn't drink as much in front of me, but when we talk on the phone he slurres his words, i know he's drunk.
please help me come up with ways to talk to him.

likealion

Welcome.

What is the desired outcome from your talks with your partner? Do you want him to quit drinking entirely? Do you just want him to be honest about what he drinks?

Once you figure out what you want the result of the conversation to be, it's easier to map out how to start.

I will just throw out there that this is all for nothing unless HE decides to stop. He might give you lip service about not drinking less, and maybe he will follow through. My dad just got smarter about hiding his drinking.

Best of luck to you -- please post here as often as you need to. Lots of friendly, supportive people here. You are among friends.

seattletiki

I never thought of that... i guess i really want to know how much he is drinking, and if he plans to quit. His family all drinks, his Dad drank himself to death and yet they all drink as if nothing happened, no-one even talks about it.

likealion

What are you going to do if he tells you he doesn't plan to quit?

I'm sorry to ask tough questions. As someone who loves an alcoholic, the only knowledge I can impart is that his drinking is not a result of anything you're doing wrong, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Finding the ability to accept those three C's helps make dealing with your alcoholic loved one easier, at least for me.

m1k3

TIki, welcome to SR.

I'm sorry you have to be here but you have found a place full of wisdom strength and courage.

One of the most important things I learned here was the 3c's. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. The alcoholic will only get better when they are ready and not one moment before.

The other big thing I learned is that I can get better. I no longer need to let the anger, guilt and dispare rule my life. I can learn how to live a normal, happy, serene and rewarding life inspite of my alcoholic.

Your friend,

theuncertainty

Welcome, Tiki.

I really like Likealion's suggestion about mapping out what you're hoping the conversation will accomplish. The caveat is the need to be completely honest with yourself about your hopes.

When talking with XAH, I usually thought I *knew* what I wanted from the conversation and ended up completely distraught afterwards. "Well, that wasn't how I thought it'd go..." The expectations that I held onto (main one being that XAH would be at least kind of honest about his drinking) are very hard to let go and were so ingrained that I didn't see them until after the conversation blew up.

One book that I found to help me a lot in trying to figure out what was going on is Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham. There are excerpts in the About Recovery sticky at the top of the F&F forum.

Welcome.

chronsweet

Distraught and sick and tired and drained is how I ALWAYS feel after a discussion about my ABF's drinking problem. When I ignore the drinking, mostly it is okay so to speak in terms of no arguments. If I bring it up, whether slightly buzzed (because he is ALWAYS drinking if not working) or on the off-chance moment he hasn't started drinking for the day YET, then it just turns into a terrible mess. He defends the drinking at all costs and starts throwing around some very insulting words.

I am working on coming to terms with this and though I really hate the daily drinking and some uncomfortable moments, I have been thinking about my own happiness which in turn will make my boy's life better! I have been eating better, trying to get in some exercise, am on my third class online towards my accounting degree, have started talking to my friends again and have started to save and envision a life without the effects an alcoholic leaves in the interim. I have started to stop worrying about him and the consequences of his bad choices. If he gets a DUI, he will lose his job. If he doesn't register his truck that he has had for 6 months now w/o registering and smogging, he may lose his truck. If he spends all his money on alcohol before payday and doesn't chip in for food, he can starve. If he doesn't do his own laundry, he will have to wear dirty clothes. Choices=consequences.

See where I am going with this ....