Windblown

I am looking for a Nar-anon sponsor to work the steps with but have only been in this particular program for 2 months.

I accept my powerlessness and unmanageability over the addict in Step 1.

I have been lifted out of the depths of suicidal hell by telling my H.P. That I need help and I can't do it by myself. I have been given sanity for the last week. I did not nor could I have created this miracle. So, Step 2, has come true for me. I want to live. I don't know what my future will be but I want to be a better person. I have started buying myself pretty clothes, I have decided to volunteer at the library to help people learn to read. I am not blaming myself for the whole pie anymore...just a slice. I am wanting very much to learn how to forgive myself...people I tell my story too think I have loaded way too much unwarrented gulit on myself. Even my AS doesn't blame me.

Now for step 3. I don't know HOW to turn it over. I have made the decision but I don't know how to apply this to my worries over the Holidays, obsessions about where AS is living, why he doesn't ever call me, in truth.....I wrote an entire notebook page full of things I wanted to turn over...yet I am still not able to fully LIVE this. Plus many of the things I wanted to turn over seem to go back to Step 1 work.

I am jubilant to feel the wondrous angels about me. I am praying all through the day, calling people in the program, going to meetings...yet at times I don't know how...to do this Step 3.

I used to drink a couple beers with my husband at night and have stopped this because it seems that it was causing my depression to worsen. I have suffered with depression off and on all my life but am happy to say I feel much better.

Anyway, if anyone out there can offer any guidance or suggestion, I would be most appreciative. Recovery is really fun...I am beginning to make friends...sort of...at least I am calling and I have invited a lady for coffee before the meeting tomorrow night. If she can't come, that's o.k. At least I made the effort to stop isolating. Still reading a novel a day...my fave escape!

For today, I will try to turn over Holiday/his upcoming Birthday worries over. Maybe that goes back to Step 2...perhaps I am not sane yet...I think not!

mychaos

It is great to see you jumping in full force. You are turning all that attention towards bettering yourself.

The letting go part is the hardest for me. In my case it is my husband, not a child. I feel like if I don't worry then I don't care. I having a feeling I will always be working on it. Flopping back and forth between steps.

I am feeling the a sense of positivity pouring from your actions of taking care of yourself. Wishing you the best of luck.

Impurrfect

(((Windblown))) - I had a problem with handing things over, too. Oh, I'd hand them over, all right, I'd just find myself grabbing it back and stressing over the same thing. Still do it, occasionally, but have gotten better.

I don't really know how to tell you do it, as I don't know how I did it, except in hindsight. I had someone here tell me, once, about all I'd been through in the past year. I was puzzled..what were they talking about?

I then realized all the stuff I'd stressed SO MUCH over, and it was only in hindsight that I could see those huge deals were things I didn't even think about any more.

I said the "let go and let God" a gazillion times..I'd still find myself grabbing back what I'd let go of. I think I had to just FINALLY get sick and tired of stressing about something to really let it go.

This probably makes no sense, but it's like now..totally stressed over assignments for school...letting that go. I've been in school for over a year, stressed over everything and I'm doing fine...your post, and me typing this out is yet another reminder..do my best and let it go.

Sounds like you are making some really positive changes - go you!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Eddiebuckle

Wind,

I had a hard time with the third step, in reality it took me months to even begin. In retrospect I understand that my ability to turn it over is directly related to how much I "believe" in my HP. As a practical matter, it comes down to this simple fact: we don't have control, and in our heart of hearts we desperately want it.

If you examine your daily life - forget the addict or addiction (I'm an alcoholic) - you will see how pervasive this is. If we get stuck in traffic, and we get anxious or angry because of the delay. When the boss asks us to come to their office, we get fearful and try to figure out what is wrong and what we can do about it. When our loved ones make choices we don't agree with, there is tension or we try to "fix" the problem. All of these things are instances where we know we:

• can't make traffic magically disappear
• never could read minds or somehow see into the future
• don't control those around us like puppets

and yet, we still go through these mental gymnatics on a daily basis as though somehow with enough effort, things will be different than they are. When we do this, we are not living in the here and now - we are trying to live in a world that doesn't exist. Pretty crazy, right? That's the insanity that the second step refers to. How do you deal with that? Leave it to the only one who has a shot at taking care of it: our HP.

It takes time to see how much of our lives and emotions are tied to this attempt to live in a world that doesn't exist. For me, realizing when I am attempting those futile mental gymnatics and giving up the power that I never in the first place allows me to stick with what I can control: my actions and my situation right here, right now.

dollydo

To me, by turning my exabf over to the HP I released myself from a prison of invisible bars, the bars that I could not physically touch, yet those that were keeping me mentally bound.

I cannot tell you when it will be time for you to let go and turn your son over to your HP.
You will know when it is time, a total sense of peace will overcome you and your relationship with the rest of your family will thrive.

Keep posting, your recovery is shining.

Windblown

Thanks everyone. I will be rereading these posts again and again as their is so much wisdom, I can't seem to take it all in. It's hard to make sence of the senceless if the world doesn't really exist and it's just a dream. However, I am living in this dream, it is reality...of sorts... and I must try to deal with these challenges. Although ironically, trying seems to be the very thing that doesn't work...it's the letting go...floating down the stream like a weightless feather down...and allowing the Greater Being to guide me through the narrows.

I am also wondering if and when my son wants help how to proceed. Do I take him to the ultra expensive rehab that has good results? Or the state funded one that isn't so plush but also has good results. Unfortunately my insurance only pays for detox...not rehab. But by sending him to the best rehab would I not be relieving the burden of guilt....that I gave him the best...whether he takes to it or not...at least I did my part?

I have just prayed about this and thought I turned it over but I am still trying to find a solution. I just want everything all better right now. And the mad thing is my 18 year old isn't even asking for help. Says he's going to do it on his own....no meetings or the outpatient rehab he was offered after detox. But...I must be vigilant and know what to do
when the time is right and I have asked my H.P. to guide me in this.

So in effect, I can work the steps on this situation.

Step 1...I am powerless over the addict. I can't make him WANT to get better. Forcing this on him makes my life unmanageable...controlling, obsessing, fixing...etc.

Step 2...SANITY... Lord knows I need that and I believe my H.P. can do that because I have experienced it. When I ask, I receive sanity.

Step 3... Let go...float...leave it up to H.P. find the right place for my son...if that is even in the cards for him. But I can take action...gather resources...maybe all for naught...but I would rather be prepared. Who knows...maybe someone else could benefit from my resource list. H.P. I have faith. I let you run the show...some of the time...but would like to improve on that. How far do I help...or do I say...find it on your own son. Then if he didn't and died I could not live with myself.

Sorry I am rambling.

Thank you all for being welcome chanels for my H.P. to speak through. I do believe H.P. speaks to me through you. Thank you for doing this spiritual work to help me.

dollydo

When you turn him over to your HP, you will allow the HP to drive the car. You will not ask "Where to take him for recovery"...you will step back and allow your son, with the HP's guidance to find his own path to recovery.

You could spend a million dollars on your sons recovery and it will not work....until...he wants to become clean and embrace a strong recovery program, it must be his decision.

Keep those meetings up....you will find the answers to your questions.

Eddiebuckle

Wind,

You are a parent, and you are doing what good parents do - looking out for your childs best interstests. But in the case of an addict, what worked well for so long, no longer applies. Take for example the rehab issue:

I am also wondering if and when my son wants help how to proceed. Do I take him to the ultra expensive rehab that has good results? Or the state funded one that isn't so plush but also has good results. Unfortunately my insurance only pays for detox...not rehab. But by sending him to the best rehab would I not be relieving the burden of guilt....that I gave him the best...whether he takes to it or not...at least I did my part?

I went to an "ultra expensive" rehab - cost me $20 grand for six weeks. I too, had minimal insurance so paid that in cash eventually. The nice folks there told me I needed three things to be sober: honesty, openess, and willingness. Much to my chagrin, I found that they were right about that. More than a few of my fellow rehab colleagues had two out of three. Many of them stumbled. Some have yet to get back up again. That's the reality of addiction. I thought I had all three because I chose to go there, I was paying for it, I was proactive, blah, blah, blah. And after my six weeks at camp sobriety - I went home. And that's when I really learned about the honesty, openess, and willingness I needed to stay sober.

But I digress - my point is this: how much of your post has to do with what your son brings to the "jumping off place" that is otherwise called bottom? It doesn't matter if you put him in the Taj Mahal and surround him with the best medical skills on the planet. If he isn't convinced that there is no other option but to let go of the thing he cherishes most, he's not willing, he won't be honest, and he sure as hell won't be open to what it will take to get and maintain sobriety. The sad truth is this: you cannot give him that, you cannot stack the odds in his favor, and the more you attempt to "help" him become "normal again", the longer he will be able to avoid the truth that will set him free.

That is a sad and frustrating reality. I know this because my Mother also was an alcoholic, who despite interventions, doctors, therapists, and all the kings horses and men, drank herself to death. The night before she succombed to her disease, my father, brother, sister and I had to remove her from life support. And it is perhaps because we never let her down, that we did her the ultimate disservice.

I pray that your son finds his way. There is hope, but first he must surrender, and that is something only he can do.

Ann

Above is the Third Step Prayer from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and it is one I say every day.

Also, it helps me to begin my day by saying a special prayer to God to take my burdens of the day and give me the courage to look after what I can and look after the rest for me, however He sees fit.

Anytime I begin to obsess or feel the darkness coming on, I say the Serenity Prayer and that helps too.

It has become a normal reaction for me to turn to God when I feel stressed or sad and ask Him to do what I cannot. Over time, it has built significant faith in my heart.

Hugs

Windblown

Thanks everyone. Began my day obsessing...then immediately noticed I was doing this and began praying. Let Go Let God. Faith that H.P. can handle it! I must allow her/him to steer the wheel. I also said the third step prayer.

In meetings sometimes I am envious of the parents who now have their freshly sprung, clean and sober AS or AD back home and all is going well. I ask these members where their adult children they went to rehab...trying to get all the particulars....in the hopes it could happen to my AS. But truly, I have also noticed absolutely no 18 year olds getting clean. They seem to be around the 21-26 age range which tells me my son has some more hard livin' to experience. And furthermore, I know that every situation is different. I asked the Mom who sent her son to the ultra expensive rehab if he was ready...if hemcame to her and wanted it. She said they did an intervention on him and he decided to go after that. Well that didn't work for my son. We had an impromptu intervention with the cops before detox. They counselled and lectured and all that with my husband and me present...did no good. He told me later he cop was a liar and while in detox...kept asking when am I getting out and can I get my car and cell phone back!

So yes...what feels right here...is it leave it in the hands of H.P. Don't try to hard to gather up resources. If and when the time is right, if I turn it over...the solution will be neat and handy. I won't have to do a thing. Now if I can only do this.

Reading a new novel about parents raising an addicted teen daughter. It is called Imperfect Birds by Anne Lamott. It is a bestseller. Hope it's good.

Thank you all again.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Wind, All of the words of wisdom from those who have walked the many miles before us are ALL words from our HP for us. I am with you both in spirit and in soul. Having a child (or young adult in our cases) having to grow up and choose their life is very very hard. Rehab is not about the external environment, it is the internal work being done. I also believe that no matter what the place, the addict must be willing to be part of the healing /discovery process with the other people they join with. The success of any program lies in the strength and agreement "when two or more are gathered." Miracles abound when we give up and step into them. Be strong. I had an epiphany last night that when a miracle happens for my son it is for HIM , not that I had anything to do with it Hugs and prayers to you and yours.
Teresa

Windblown

Yes Teresa...the recovering addict parents that I am most in awe of are the ones who had absolutely nothing to do with their adult child getting help. The child found it on his/her own. It is something fathomless to me at this point but that may be because I don't have much faith in my son's abilities to figure it out. Hmmmmm....think I read in a Naranon pamphlett something about control...thinking I know what is best and not him.

Haha...what do I know? Not a heck of a lot. Oh well for today...I will let go, let God....if I had a God Box it wold have to be one of those U-Haul wardrobe containers....i mean I have a lot of worries...like weeds needing to be pulled... BIG!

Thanks again. Praying that everyone here has a time for stillness and listening today.

outtolunch

Maybe consider making a big ole God Box. Everytime a worry pops into your head, write it down and deposit it into the God box. Better there than in your head.

Step 1 is a life time process for me. Everything comes back to my ego.

Chino

The prefrontal cortex finishes developing somewhere around 23 or so. Part of it's function is making decisions and it stores the rewards and consequences. That bit of knowledge is what woke me up and stopped me from interfering any more with my RAD's opportunities to learn. I realized her brain only had another year or two to learn and store consequences. If I continued interfering, I was absolutely setting her up for failure or worse.

God willing, my daughter will be 24 in 10 days and is coming up on 2 years of sobriety.

We pushed our daughter into detox a couple of times, then the legal system breathed down her neck and she went to in patient rehab that we paid for.

She gained recovery tools from each experience, but after her last relapse that I didn't even know about, she suddenly decided she was done. She got back on subs and is weaning down slowly. Without any input from us, her family, she's decided she's sick and tired of being dependent on them, too.

Anyway, answering your original question, I have absolute faith in a Higher Power and the spirit world. Like Ann, it's normal for me to go to God all the time now. My faith now reminds me of when I was a child and in control of no one besides myself.

Windblown

HELP!!!

My AS called two hours ago and said he left his car in a parking lot across town because the transmission had broken and he went back today and the car was gone. I told him to go back to the parking lot and get the info. on where the car was being impounded. I told him that we would only help him by encouraging and supporting him in his recovery. I told him he had a drug problem but until he was ready to get help we could not help him.

I told him I would have to call my husband about the car and call him back. My husband is furious and does not want to lift a finger. I told husband that I would take AS to detox and then a halfway house afterwards and my husband blew up and said my AS could get phone numbers from me on where to go but NO rides. I have been calling detox centers, insurance co., halfway houses...to get info. The halfway house guy said I should give him a ride to detox!

I called my son and told him I would help him or support him when and if he wanted help. He said, I might need some help. I told him to call me when he was ready. He said he was going to go find out about the car. He said he was still clean but I didn't hear it in his voice. He told us last week he would get a new cell phone and call with the number, that he had found a place to live and had a job prospect. I asked him about all that and he said it fell through.

If he wants help he will have to call and get a referral from the healthcare office...then they will send him to detox. But how will he get there if I don't take him? I am willing to pick him up across town, let him use my phone to make appt. And drive him to detox but my husband will have a fit as my AS has burned him for alot of money.

Needless to say, my AS never called back. He said if he decided to get help he would call. I am afraid of how this will go down. He has been in detox before and never followed up with the outpatient rehab or meetings. My husband thinks he will go to detox and pretend to straighten up just so we'll get his car back. I don't know what to do. I called a naranon friend and she said that it's his car and his loss. I'm o.k. With that but why should I not drive him to detox if he wants help? How will I know he truly wants help or is just trying to get out of a bad situation?

Again, he has not called back. I have plans tonight and tomorrow night and if my son's chaos interferes with my husband's concert tomorrow night I am afraid he will yell at my son and threaten to walk out.

I have to turn this over. I wish my husband would go to naranon but he doesn't want to.

I can't give up on my son, but it's not fair to my husband and I can't lose my husband. He has been there for both my kids and he's the step dad. He works hard and is a real man. He called my son the "P" word to me. I understand his anger but he doesn't understand that my AS is sick.

It has been several hours

Windblown

Well if he says he wants help...I will have to help him. All the running around may cause my plans to be cancelled. But perhaps I should put my schedule first and let him wait it out until I am free to give him a ride. And you are right...he didn't ask for help. I told him we would help him and support him in his recovery. He said he might need help...but obviously if he was serious about it he would have called back. You're right...he called because he needed help out of his self- created jam with the car. He only calls when he wants something. Dang it. I called all the detox places so I could give him the numbers for him to get help. But do I leave it at that...or do I help him get the help. I feel like my serenity has thrown the coop. If her were older...say in his 20's it would be easier but he's only 18. He didn't even know what a half way house was. O.k. Breathe. Breathe woman. This sucks.

Impurrfect

(((Windblown))) - gotta agree with ((Anvil)) - deep breaths. FWIW, I lost 3 cars in addiction - 2 were "stolen" - rented them out for dope, the other totaled by XABF#2.

He's worried about his car, and that's ALL. If he really wants help, he WILL find it. Trust me, I walked 11 miles, barefooted, from where I'd been beaten up, raped, and dumped in the woods. Went right back to the 'hood to get more dope. Did I learn a damned thing? No, I started prostituting myself to get money as XABF#3 was locked up and I wanted dope! Also walked back to the 'hood from jail.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but THIS is what goes through the mind of many of us addicts. I just don't hear anything HE is saying that sounds like he's wanting recovery. I know that's what you want for him, it's what my dad wanted, too, but I wasn't ready until I was ready, and I had to get sick of all the darned consequences (losing 3 cars was minor compared to other stuff I put myself through).

My dad cried, offered to put me in rehab. I could have had FREE rehab where I lived. I had to want it for me...my dad and everyone else couldn't get me to want it until I got me to want it.

One more thing...half the boys I bought dope from? They were years from being 18, already had a long rap sheet. I know it seems young, and it is..my niece is the same age and she's making some really bad decisions. My dad/stepmom have stepped in to keep her from facing any consequences, and she's just getting worse. She's not YET an A, but she's working on it. I don't think she's gonna "get it" until she gets slapped with some consequences they CAN'T get her out of.

Big hugs and prayers, I know this is not easy,

Amy

dollydo

Slow down, for all you know, he could have traded his car for drugs, or, it could have been towed and is sitting in a tow lot. In either case, if he old enough to drive he is old enough to figure out the car issue. I agree with your husband, hands off the addict.

As for all the calls....why? He didn't ask for help. If he calls again and it makes you feel better give him the numbers, and, let it go.

Again, turn him over to the HP, live your life, enjoy your weekend.

Yes, your son is sick, but, that is by choice, there is help out there for him and if wants to get well HE will seek recovery.

You have gone off the deep end, what transpired is a regular occurance for an addict, your son has already moved onto a new opportunity to secure drugs. He is doing what addicts do, create drama, manipulate, whine and attempt to con others to get what they want.

Sit back, rethink your reaction, use this episode as a guidepost, learn from the experience.

Windblown

O.K. Heading out to Starbucks to meet a lady in program before naranon meeting. I actually hope my son doesn't call back. I seem to fly into a tail spin every time I deal with him. I will sit down with husband tonight and discuss what to do about car, rides to detox...all of that. I am sure I will hear something at the meeting toight that will help...but what you guys have given me today are worth more than gold. And I thank you for that. I wish I were tougher. I've always been so darn empathic and sensitive...it is a double edge sword for sure.

I just wish my AS knew more about the world before he took off. But then, maybe he knows more than I think. I guess he didn't listen to the counsellors, the meetings, the therapist, the shrink, me and my husband, the cop...he just doesn't want to quit.

I wish you all a peaceful evening and I am so grateful for each and every one of you.
Sorry if I didn't give back enough today to others but tomorrow will be a better day. I HATE hot calls from my AS! But he's borrowing someone else's phone and he never leaves a message and when I call back I leave a message and he doesn't return the call. I know having expectations of common curtesy from an active addict is setting myself up for disappointment. Tomorrow I will be a tough bird dang it. Peace. Good night.

Ann

Windblown, what if you did nothing?

What if you let him figure this out all by himself? He can find transportation to find his drugs, what do you want to bet he could find transportation to detox too, all by himself? He's 18, Windblown, but 18 or 88, if he isn't ready then he isn't ready and if he is...he will find the way. Trust this mama on all of this.

Frenzies hurt our heart and make our hair go grey. I have yet to hear of anyone getting clean because their mama had a frenzy.

Sometimes the best action is doing nothing. Sometimes the strongest love comes from letting go. Sometimes they find their own way when they are ready.

Hugs