mychaos

I am just having a hard time today. RAH has made such huge strides and I feel like I am falling apart. I described it to a friend that once I started letting go and the weight start lifting I started to collapse. I have been so strong for so long that once I started focusing on me I started to fall apart and all that I had been holding in just started bursting out.

I feel the control starting to creep back up and want to squash it.

Just hoping someone can relate to a not so good "letting go" day.

steve1840

yes. no...YES. letting go seems to maybe leave us exposed at first, there is now room for other stuff to start shifting, and that is uncomfortable. i just posted a few days ago about crying for the first time in a while- all this stuff that was held in poured out. as i am experiencing, change is painful, and this has been painful, but i think i got through the worst of it relatively quickly and am awakening on the other side.
slowly though you keep focusing more on yourself piece by piece and then there is a foundation of a pretty good sized piece, keep adding bit by bit and the darkest days will be behind you.

i ran into the problem that i was so used to living in the darkness, that i hid from the light, i wasnt used to it, so i slowly let it in. every morning still sucks, but it is taking less time for the day to start feeling ok. so just know its ok to have these days and try to keep the focus on you. it took me over a year to just start trying that and thank god this time it is working. yeah, i've had plenty of not so good letting go days.

outtolunch

Back when, the more I tried to control my daughter, the less control I had over myself. Heck, I was out of control, way out of control.

I had to shift the target from her to me. I had to save myself.

hopeful0323

mychaos,

It is so hard when we stop focusing on the addict and admit that there's something wrong with us. It been about 4 months since I let go of my AXBF, started going to alanon and truly looking at myself. Somedays are good peaceful days, and others I am faced with challenges. Now, I can feel myself getting out of control, and trying to control the behaviors and opinions of others. Most of the time, I am able to "rope" myself back in and move on with my day. I would not have been capable of this 4 months ago, pre-alanon. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope today is a better day.

Windblown

I had to allow myself to fall apart before I could put things back together again. I didn't know I was doing this. It got really bad...suicidal ideation bad...before I truly gave up on doing it myself and reached out to a higher power. Now I have inner energy that I didn't make....that is running through me and I feel tons better. If it weren't for the utter hopelessness of two weeks ago...I never would have turned it over to my God/Goddess/Angels and I wouldn't have this new life and this new hope.

wellnowwhat

I know how you feel. I may have been crazy but at least I knew what I was doing from moment to moment, even if the logic behind it was screwed up.

When I let go it was like a triple whammy: I let go of me controlling AH and all that entails, I left a toxic job, and became an empty nest-er and let go of being a hands-on mom, forging a new relationship with my kids.

It was a lot all at once. I felt lost and vulnerable. At times it was heady, I could be whoever I determined to be, and then scary, who the heck do I want to be??? Who am I?

There is a saying somewhere here about "....being strong for too long."

And yes, sometimes I feel the control starting up again and it feels a little too comfortable and safer somehow.

The longer I read here, and go to Alanon, good lessons start to stick and when I hear a nugget that sticks with me for a few days, I realize I am heading towards the serenity that I see in some posters here and in some members of my Alanon group. But I do look forward to having the serenity be less work.

You are not alone.