vujade

Wow...it is unbelievable how quickly you can fall back into unhealthy thinking patterns. How quickly it spirals.

History - Two years ago, we had to file for BK in order to not end up on the streets. I was led to believe that our financial mess was due to declining business in a broken economy. Didn't realize until months later that it was because my ex was pilfering cash from our business to buy booze, drugs and toys behind my back. Well, the BK trustee has been asking for our 2009 tax returns for the past year. I went ahead and file separately so I would be covered. However, he has never done his...business or personal. Last week, I received a letter stating that if they don't get ALL returns by Nov 23, they will recall the BK, leaving ME with tens of thousands of dollars of HIS debt on my shoulders (and him, too, but let's get real). So....once again, I have to go in a fix all of this by doing HIS taxes so I don't have to suffer the consequences.

I also learned that he is dating a woman who is living with a man (of course, she is only living with him because of financial reasons, the relationship is over, I just don't understand...but I digress). It is not my business if he chooses to pursue this kind of relationship. However, it has come to my attention that she has been spending time with our children, which took me totally off guard. I told my ex that I feel strongly about meeting someone who is around my children. He told me that it wasn't serious enough for me to need to meet her and I should stay out of his s**t. The conversation started to spiral from there and I said some things that I wish I hadn't about a woman I don't know at all simply because he pushed me to my codie-freak place.

Through all of this stress, I have started getting wiggy about WAY too much stuff. My RAB has been sober since Aug 28 and has been a gem but I have started that Susie Sniffer junk again...wondering if that was a hit of booze I smell on his breath, why is a word misspelled in that text, does his voice on the phone have that funny little edge of intoxication??? ARGH!!! I hate this.

I MUST find my center again - find the balance between what is truly not my business and what I do have rights to be concerned about. I know all these feelings have come back because of this financial baloney (we are also still having MAJOR issues with him paying child support on top of all of this) So - I have two questions:

Do I have a right to meet someone who is with my kids? Do I have the right to ask that they not spend time with someone he is dating until he decides that it IS a serious thing? I just never thought forward to having to deal with this issue.

Second - how do you guys deal with the craziness of being a recovering codie in a relationship with a recovering A? I could really use some ESH on this.

Thanks!

chronsweet

Looks like you are dealing with some tough situations. HUGS TO YOU!!!

First thing is first and that is to deal with the IRS crap. YES, you have to help him complete his taxes, but it is helping you to remain in your financially secure spot. At least this is the last time you will have to deal with that. It will be over and done with soon. You seem to have that knowledge under control, knowing that you are going to have to deal with it.

I am torn about the other person meeting your kids. It made me think because when I leave my ABF I am going to have to deal with that with my own son. I was actually thinking about that very thing this morning. My immediate thoughts are that the reason I wouldn't want my son exposed to someone else is because I don't want him to think of another woman as 'mom'. This is kind of selfish on my part because if I am not with ABF then I can't expect him to be chaste. I also know ABF doesn't make good decisions, so I guess, Yes, I'd want to meet the woman to make sure my son is safe. You can't really force your XAH to not see anyone or expose them to your kids.

I think for me, providing DS with the best possible environment I can, not introducing him to someone I feel isn't serious or 'safe', giving him love, is the best I can do. I foresee ABF going into party mode when I finally get the money to leave for good. I can't dictate whether he has random girls around. I venture he will because I know how he is. I think if my son sees this and experiences it, as long as I instill love, value and morals, he will hopefully gain an understanding about how love and relationships are supposed to work.

Such a tricky subject. I am not looking forward to dealing with it myself.

vujade

Thanks for the reply. I think it helped just even to write it all out. I know there is a big part of me that is jealous that my boys are going to spend time with another woman. The divorce was my choice because I had to get out for my own good and for my kids. But it still chaps me that my FAMILY was the cost of doing it.

I have also come to the conclusion that although it is within reason for me to want to meet someone who is spending time with my kids (heck - I won't let my oldest go to a friend's house for the day unless I have gone to the house and met the parents face-to-face), I cannot control it. I can't MAKE it happen and I can't determine what happens AFTER that point. What I CAN do is keep the lines of communication with my kiddos wide open...not prying or asking digging questions but letting them know that if anything ever bothers them, they can come to me with it. Always.


Overall, this has been a good opportunity for me to reflect on a new experience.

m1k3

Vu, sounds like you are handling it well. My kids are grown up so this is not an issue for me and I have no experience to give on this. Kids are tougher and more savvy than most parents realize. Give them a place to talk if they need it and trust them if they don't. This could be a opportunity for developing a stronger relationship than you all ready have. Kids appreciate being trusted especially when you tell them you are going to trust their judgement and then follow through on it. What I got from my daughters was when I did this they were usually harder on themselves than if I set the boundaries because they wanted to prove they were worthy of the trust.

Your friend,

lillamy

Legally or morally? Legally, you don't have a right to demand to meet his new girlfriend. But legally, you could ask to amend the divorce agreement to that effect -- that the kids can't be introduced to another significant other until they have dated for X months or what have you.

But if you do that -- consider this (And I'm recycling thoughts Al-Anon friends provided me with during my divorce): Anything you demand of him in his life going forward ties you to him. Who's going to police that he doesn't introduce 15 girlfriends in 13 weeks to your children? And what are you going to do if he violates the agreement? That was my reason for removing that clause from our divorce -- I didn't want to feel like, again, I was responsible for controlling how he lived his life. Bottle, girlfriends, same difference.

In my case, I knew AXH wouldn't bring a woman into his life who wasn't just like me: A codie caretaker. And that's exactly what he's done -- three consecutive ones, that have all been introduced to the kids. In all three cases, they're head and shoulders above him in responsibility and parenting skills. I'm just saying it's not always a BAD thing...

Tuffgirl

I have to side with lillamy in the question of just how much control over this guy do you want to try to exert? That's a lot of expended energy that could go to more productive life adventures for you.

At some point, we have to focus on what we can change, ya know?! And if you could, in fact, control this man already...you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with, so past behavior proves controlling his time and activities with the kids will be futile.

Cyranoak

Another alcoholic? Good Lord. When it feels like it's deja vu all over again that will be because it is.

Cyranoak

vujade

Thanks Lil and TG. I don't know if you read my second post but exactly what you are saying is what I realized last night after writing it out. I saw clearly, too, that getting back into the control-freak mindset caused me to revert back to many old behaviors and thought processes I don't want to go back to. I don't want my ex's poor decisions to have any more power over me than they absolutely HAVE to. I have to co-parent with him but I don't have to get sucked into the craziness of his life. I have no intent of building anything into our custody papers because that would require policing, like Lil said. Also - anything I write in then applies to me and he can use it against me in ways I couldn't even foresee.

So, I am going to put energy into my relationship with my boys and help them make good choices (BTW...they are only 5 & 9 so they aren't entirely able to advocate for themselves yet) and trust their gut to guide them. I have never, and will never, back them in a corner and make them tattle on their dad but instead I will stay centered, react appropriately and always listen so they WILL come to me with concerns.

And Cyranoak, your post made me laugh only because I knew after I posted that you might weigh in like that. I say this with great respect for your experiences... In the past, you have clearly indicated that you aren't looking for criticism on why you are still with your wife but have rightfully pointed out that everyone's experience is different, that no one can truly understand the nuances and history that go into a relationship and that we should respect that.

I do understand where your cynicism is coming from but perhaps instead of expressing your disgust with my situation, you could give me some thoughts on how you stay centered when that misspelled text comes through or you start getting too much inside your own head. It's not HIM that is causing my back pedaling, but ME. I have very solid boundaries on what I am and am not going to accept for my own life and he has done nothing to violate them. Instead, I feel like I am falling prey to my own stress and it is causing me to jump at shadows.

Tuffgirl

V - trust me...your boys are old enough to recognize bad behavior and it will only increase as they get older. As much as it sucks - you will be the one to model exemplary behavior for them, so be prepared! Can a single Mom raise outstanding kids even with a poor role model for a "co-parent"? Yep! And you have what it takes. One day - you will be sitting at the end of hands-on parenting like me...with an 18 yr old...and be so damn proud of yourself AND your kid! It's hard work, but its totally doable.

Stay strong and centered! ; )
~T