chronsweet

Some days are so unpredictable. Take last night for instance. I was in a perfectly good mood, came home and actually 'ask' ABF for some money for groceries. He has given me probably $100 in the last 6 weeks. We have a son. We all know the costs of raising a baby. Anyhow, an argument starts because I am selfish and just want money from him. Mind you, I give every dime towards 'the cause' of supporting our family. He spends ALL his money on alcohol and cigarettes and gas. It's a mute point arguing with a narcissistic drunk. I just need out of this HELL.

I have tried to leave my ABF in the past but have always just 'hoped' that by me leaving for a couple days, 'he would finally see the light!' HA!! That is funny, isn't it? I am past the emotional desire to have him change. He is who he is, and for him to change just isn't in him. He is more free-spirited and irresponsible than I am, his 'party-time' is pretty much what he lives for and who am I to think I can change him. I don't even want to anymore because I don't want a narcissistic person in my life any longer. I have completely detached from him emotionally. It feels like I live with a roommate I can't stand who mooches off me to be able to feed his own selfish addictions.

The ONLY reason I am still where I am is because I have a son and cannot financially afford to pay for my own place, plus child care and all the expenses. I have been saving money to get away from him. I think the important thing is to cope as best I can until I can get a solid, firm plan in place. I really need to go to an Al-Anon meeting but I am a working mom who is basically the only caretaker for our child, I go to school online, cook, clean, shop, etc. and barely have a free minute to myself. I actually heard something on the radio this morn' about a study done on working moms found that WM's have as little as 15 minutes of personal time to themselves a day! And also that mom's put in an average of 4 hours more a day parenting their kids than their male counterparts. I think everyone knows that parenting with an A is even that much more difficult, whether the A is a man or woman. That is also my motivation for building and executing my own escape plan. I am ALONE ANYWAYS. And when he is actually paying any attention to us, I wish he would just go pass out so I don't have to hear his asinine, drunken remarks. If he isn't working or sleeping, he's drinking. He actually went to work DRUNK a few nights last week, slobbering DRUNK! The sad part is I got him his job!

My friend is trying to get me an interview for a place she works for where I'd make ALOT more money, and so everyone pray for me. It would be great and further separate myself from this A-hole.

Most A's never change. I think if they are a narcissist, which A LOT of them are, then it is even harder for them to change. Why, because they don't even care or acknowledge the pain they cause other people. My ABF feels not one ounce of regret or compassion towards me after supporting him for 3.5 years and then getting him a job. He begrudeingly hands over his 1/2 of the rent and bills and thinks of it in terms of 'giving his money to me'.

Thanks for reading. As usual, any comments are so much appreciated. How did some of you 'cope' while planning the escape?

suki44883

Yep, you're right, they don't change. Hang in there and hey! Good luck on that possible job situation! Let us know how it goes!

Fandy

is it possible to get him to leave and replace him with a pleasant roommate who would help contribute to the household? and have him also pay CHILD SUPPORT?

chronsweet

Well, we are not married. Custody and child support would actually give him MORE rights to my child. I went to the courts and talked to someone about that. I want him to be a part of my child's life, but I don't want him really left unattended with my son. My son isn't even 2 yet and A is very irresponsible and often 'loses it' in a mental capacity when he drinks too much. A is also very selfish with me, and so him just handing 'his' money over to me isn't going to happen. He has been a mooch the entire time I have known him. He steals money from me at times. He borrows money from his family with no intention of paying it back. So getting money would mean going through the courts to prove paternity first and then a custody battle and in turn having him possibly getting custody. His money isn't worth the trade-off to me. When you aren't married and have a kid, it is easier to take your child out of that situation. The courts told me as long as I have him with me, ABF really can't do anything, and FURTHER, I would be negligent to leave my son in his care knowing he is an alcoholic.

His mom will FLIP OUT when I leave him. Our son is her only grandchild and she will push ABF to seek equal custody. The guy is always so drunk he can't do anything for himself, so it'd be easier to just check out on the sly and not ask him for money unless it comes to that through his petitioning the courts. I don't even think he will be motivated to go through the courts being he can't even stay sober to get his truck fixed and get his car registered. His mom does EVERYTHING for him. But she can't do this for him. He has too! And I hear it is a very expensive battle and most unmarried men never get custody from a good mom anyways. I am the BEST mom I can be at this moment to my son. I'd be an even better one without the added stress of living with an A.

My main concern is protecting my son until A can get himself through sobriety and be a responsible parent, which may never happen!

Sigh.

chronsweet

Also Fandy, he is on the lease and he WON'T LEAVE! LOL. He likes making me miserable.

Florence

The good news is that drunks have a hard time doing everything necessary to file a successful petition for full custody.

chronsweet

I'm banking on that Florence. Thanks!

Fandy

I hope when the lease is up you escape to save your sanity. Even if you are not married, if it's his child he should pay support. But you may not want to go through the legal tug of war. (maybe you can just deal with his mama and she will pay support to you)?

good luck on your securing a better paying job.

LaTeeDa

I don't know about where you live, but here in CA, child support and custody are two separate issues, whether the parents are married or not. In other words, he may still be entitled to visitation/custody regardless of whether he is paying child support or not. You can't trade one for the other, at least in this state. Also, in CA, if you were to apply for food stamps or any other kind of assistance, then the state would go after him for child support.

Best to find out what the laws in your state are and possibly get some legal advice before making any decisions about support or custody.

L

chronsweet

I live in CA, San Diego actually. I went to the court and talked to a family law counselor. In order for me to receive child support OR for him to get custody, since we are not married, there has to be a paternity case. Just because he is on the birth certificate does not mean he is legally the father without a paternity case.

So, by my seeking child support, I would actually be helping in this scenario of proving paternity. Also the legal adviser told me I would be negligent to let him have my son because he is an alcoholic. She said if he wanted to take him, tell him "NO". In order to gain custody he would have to go through a paternity and then a custody case. She said it was time consuming and expensive. Two pluses for me because he is always broke and lazy.

So, all in all, seeking child support from someone who might gain an advantage by me filling out the paperwork and getting the ball rolling who may not even give it to me money anyways, is something I am not going to do. I have sought legal advise and in San Diego County, at least, this is what I have been told.

I don't qualify for any assistance which I am fine with. I just need to save and plan for a few months!

HeyImme

Very wise, chronsweet...better to be tighter financially than to allow your child to visit with an alcoholic unsupervised!

LaTeeDa

So glad to hear you have gotten advice and know where you stand. It sounds like you are moving forward to me.

L

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Chronsweet. Your post brings the memories just rushing back from when I was struggling with the decision to take DS and move out: trying to figure out how to get out on my own... the panic at the thought that I couldn't do it...

This part especially struck a bell:

Yep, yep, yep. So familiar.

How did I cope as I planned my escape? Hmmmm. I poured my (very limited) extra time into planning. Lists, lists, lists... While I was at home and couldn’t actively plan or put anything in writing, I dreamed about life without an alcoholic; how would I arrange my few pieces of furniture in my new apartment, what it would be like to deposit my paycheck into my own account and keep to a budget without having to revise it constantly because XAH took $100, $50, $500 out for “gas” or “dinner”. I played with DS; I made sure we had money for heat and food. Generally I kept my head down and I planned and dreamed.

Cr-p, I just re-read what I wrote, and it sounds pretty sad from this side… That’s not living or coping, not really. Well, the playing with DS was good. But now we can REALLY play; we are, for the most part, FREE. We can run around and jump up and down and sing at the top of our lungs while we dance. Now we laugh, big deep belly laughs. Now we go camping and hiking. Now we read to each other. Now we go to the State Fair or the Planetarium or Museum. Now we live.

Hang in there! You’ll be alright; you already are.

chronsweet

Thank you so much for your words, always kind, helpful and understanding. It made me cry to envision living a life with my son full of joy and without feeling as if the next quake is going to hit at any minute. Moments between me and the ABF are usually tense or unspoken. I find I am at most peace when I just leave him to drink until he pleases and then pass out. I have stopped trying to tell him how I feel, because I know he doesn't care. IF he cared, he would at least acknowledge how his actions affect our livelihood.

It's funny because last night I finally got him to basically admit he never loved me. Although, he says he 'loves me now'... I just am not feeling the love. LOL. I used to care and now I just don't. I think of him being with another woman and I think LUCKY ME and good riddance. I can't be intimate with a drunk and so the intimacy is null and void and has been for almost three years and we have only been together for 4.5. Four and a half of the longest, most miserable years of my life I might add, with the exception of my baby boy who is growing up faster than I could ever imagine! At this point, I just want a quality life with my son. DS LOVES his daddy, don't get me wrong, but I just can't stay together with someone who makes me so miserable. I can't even begin to tell you all the miserable ways he has treated me over the years, but I am MAD AS HELL at myself for accepting this kind of treatment. I know I deserve better even if it means being alone for this lifetime. The love I have for my boy is enough for me at this point in time.

Thanks again. It is so good to know that others have been in my shoes and kept on walkin' towards a greener pasture in them.

XOXOXO
CS

Florence

This is kind of a side note:

I've done this before with a different kind of deadbeat dad, and in my experience it's best to let the guy go and let him bring his own lawsuit if he wants one. Honestly, only the most dedicated non-custodial parents really have the resources to make this happen, and while it's crappy to dads and their rights in the short-term, it's best for the children that we don't grant visitation rights to people in a child's life that aren't intent on exercising those rights in the long-term. Like I said above, it's a mixed blessing that alcoholism prevents the alcoholic from having the time, money, and energy to wage a successful custody hearing.

The only caveat I might have is if the grandparents would pursue visitation rights -- in my state this is an issue.

I'm agnostic on whether kids really need to have two parents in their lives. I'm more of the faith that kids need a group of engaged people in their lives: Parents, guardians, grandparents, mentors, teachers, church members, coaches, etc.

In my experience, while your boy loves his daddy now, there will be a time (if Dad doesn't clean up his act) when he sees the difference between the man's words and actions and he will feel angry and cheated. My DS12 loves and hates his father. There's a real longing there for a relationship that will probably never happen. But honestly, it's better that he has a crappy, unreliable dad he knows than he has a perfect imaginary dad out there somewhere he fantasizes about. Life on life's terms. Regardless, it's that much more important that the group of mentors is there for him to fall back on when he needs love and guidance.

theuncertainty

Chronsweet: :ghug3

(Florence, can you come talk to my XSIL? -- I'm joking, kind of.... Thanks for writing that out. It's how I've been inclined to think, but lacked the words.)