it finally happened last night//wife asked for divorce
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: cleveland, oho
Posts: 57
it finally happened last night//wife asked for divorce
After 15 years of marriage, two beautiful daughters 9 and 7,, my wife asked for and wants a divorce. It is all because of my alcoholism, selfishness, and self centeredness.(among other things) duis, jail, I just want to cry I am lost heartbroken, as some of you posters already know lost a a job of 15 years. I am on the brink of disaster. Alcohol, alcohol alcohol, caused this. I am lost heartbroken aand thinking about going on a bender. I need support from ALL posters here,. This is where I have found my strength, support, everything. Not rehab, aa not bad, here is where everyone "gets it" CMon everybody pitch in with some advice I need help and advice,, support thanks Ryan
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Ryan I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru, I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. Please consider coping some other way besides with alcohol this time around. I started seeing a therapist recently and it's already helping me identify "why" I drink which helps me not to. The alcohol will not fix any of your problems. Take a stand and fight against it for your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
Alcohol is not going to get your wife back. If your wife knows that you are on a bender it's just going to strengthen her resolve. You live in a big city, I'm sure you have an AA club (Alano?) that is probably open throughout the day. I suggest you go there and talk to somebody.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Going on a bender won't solve a thing and could make things much much worse. Please don't drink. Have you considered counseling? I'd check into it since going to AA hasn't had the desired results for you. Unless of course you're willing to go back to AA and actually work the steps like a drowning man reaching for a life preserver.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
8 months ago my wife left because of the same thing, looking back I wonder how she could of put up with it as long as she did, but that day i had a choice, not from her but a choice to keep spiraling out of control or to take control.
After she walked out the door I stood there with an 18 pack, I chose that beer over her and drank them all, 30 beers the day before.
That was the last time I dank, the next day I went and bought groceries to cook a sea food dinner (her favorite), I asked her to dinner and to have a seroius talk about my drinking, I was done.
I was lucky, she came back, I am gratefull and I am sober.
Dude, if you dont have any other answers right now just dont drink, just dont pick up, do what it takes, anything, just dont drink, all the answers will fall into place sooner or later just make a promise to yourself and say it everyday, 'I am NEVER going to DRINK again'.
Life can be good!
After she walked out the door I stood there with an 18 pack, I chose that beer over her and drank them all, 30 beers the day before.
That was the last time I dank, the next day I went and bought groceries to cook a sea food dinner (her favorite), I asked her to dinner and to have a seroius talk about my drinking, I was done.
I was lucky, she came back, I am gratefull and I am sober.
Dude, if you dont have any other answers right now just dont drink, just dont pick up, do what it takes, anything, just dont drink, all the answers will fall into place sooner or later just make a promise to yourself and say it everyday, 'I am NEVER going to DRINK again'.
Life can be good!
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Only an alcoholic goes on a bender when he loses his family from alcoholism.
Do the right thing for the first time. It'll feel good and you can move on. Go to Rehab, call someone in AA, get help.
Do the right thing for the first time. It'll feel good and you can move on. Go to Rehab, call someone in AA, get help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 1,061
Drinking again/more is not going to help anything. For you families sake find some help quitting drinking and discuss with your wife if counseling is an option. Even if your marriage is over you need to quit for yourself and for your kids, they deserve a sober father.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 68
Seriously? A bender? Isn't this the reason she is leaving? Come on, take a good look at yourself! I don't know your history because I am new here but that's irrelevant, nothing matters now but the children. Do it for them if you can't do it for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Pennsylvania USA
Posts: 37
Sorry to hear about your situation, i wish i knew the right thing to say to you to keep you on the path. i think we all know deep down that no matter how bad things become useing to cope is just a continuation of the problem. i often face these situations, trying to justify and rationalize why i can go have another drink. the temporary relief from the pain is not worth it, try and play the tape all the way threw till when you wake up tomarrow. this is easier said than done i'm afraid as many of us succumb to the "F-it's" it's rediculasly hard to get past these types of things, but you know what you would tell a friend to do if he faced this. i wish you determination and resolve and your in my prayers. keep doing the next right thing and hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: cleveland, oho
Posts: 57
OK, im not going on a bender,, advice on healing a broken marriage, advice on helping myself, i do have a sponsor, just words of widom from people with exp that have gone through this.. No bender.. I am not in a good emotional state
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Pennsylvania USA
Posts: 37
i'm still in the hopeing to fix things state so i dont have any clear cut answers for you. try and think of it like your stranded in the wilderness what can i do to get out mind frame, stay as logical as possible. responding to emotion will prolly not end up well. first off call your sponser, get into the chat room here anything you can to stay focused, the game plan on how to fix everything will come in the next few days, if your anything how i was like your prolly a wreck, get yourself straightened around before makeing any big decisions, starting with hopefully the realization of "if i ever intend on fixing these things, theres no way i can do it drunk" hope this is helping a bit, every situation is different i got threw mine by continueing posative thinking, i told myself over and over "i cant wait till everything is back to the way it was and saying "you remember that time when...i'm sure glad i didnt spiral out of control"
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Ryan, I'm really sorry that this is happening to you.
Have you and your wife considered marriage counselling? It could be that this separation/divorce is something that you will have to accept and deal with. Time will tell. Stay focused on you and your recovery and things will work out as they should.
Have you and your wife considered marriage counselling? It could be that this separation/divorce is something that you will have to accept and deal with. Time will tell. Stay focused on you and your recovery and things will work out as they should.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
Hi Ryan,
You have posted previously about stints at rehab that you didn't take seriously and the fact that you didn't feel a connection to anyone in the AA meetings you have attended. I get that - sometimes it is difficult to feel a part of a group when you don't really relate to anyone in the group. I do have to ask you though,
Are you ready to admit that you have a problem with alcohol and need help?
In the past few weeks, you have seemed in denial mode. Denial that you need external help and denial that those of us with alcohol problems simply cannot drink. Not for sporting events, not on weekends. You have tested this a few times over the past few weeks, and by now, you should have your answer, no?
My best advice to you for you and for your children is to take this bull by the horns. No more shifting via employer initiated rehabs or family pressured AA meetings. Ask yourself if you really want to go out this way (tied to alcohol) or want to be free of it, and if freedom is your answer, YOU initiate recovery. It will only work if you really want it and take it seriously. None of this "I'm not as bad as them" mentality. You = Us = Them.
It isn't a contest - it is an individual sport that you either win or lose on your own merits.
Also - Don't bother with just making a show of it. Even little kids can see through that, and it will just be a waste of time and money. It has to come from an earnest desire to stop drinking and live life to its fullest.
When you are ready, you will know and if you want this, you can make it happen.
You have posted previously about stints at rehab that you didn't take seriously and the fact that you didn't feel a connection to anyone in the AA meetings you have attended. I get that - sometimes it is difficult to feel a part of a group when you don't really relate to anyone in the group. I do have to ask you though,
Are you ready to admit that you have a problem with alcohol and need help?
In the past few weeks, you have seemed in denial mode. Denial that you need external help and denial that those of us with alcohol problems simply cannot drink. Not for sporting events, not on weekends. You have tested this a few times over the past few weeks, and by now, you should have your answer, no?
My best advice to you for you and for your children is to take this bull by the horns. No more shifting via employer initiated rehabs or family pressured AA meetings. Ask yourself if you really want to go out this way (tied to alcohol) or want to be free of it, and if freedom is your answer, YOU initiate recovery. It will only work if you really want it and take it seriously. None of this "I'm not as bad as them" mentality. You = Us = Them.
It isn't a contest - it is an individual sport that you either win or lose on your own merits.
Also - Don't bother with just making a show of it. Even little kids can see through that, and it will just be a waste of time and money. It has to come from an earnest desire to stop drinking and live life to its fullest.
When you are ready, you will know and if you want this, you can make it happen.
Sober...Finally.
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Galveston TX
Posts: 574
Ryan,
Stay Sober. Besides, you dont have to let alcohol ruin your life completely. It time for you to take care of yourself through sobriety and prove to everyone (including yourself) that you can do this. We have faith in you! Beat wishes.
Stay Sober. Besides, you dont have to let alcohol ruin your life completely. It time for you to take care of yourself through sobriety and prove to everyone (including yourself) that you can do this. We have faith in you! Beat wishes.
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