Otherside--my story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 3
Otherside--my story
As a young kid I was pretty defiant. I always wanted to get my way, and was willing to throw a tantrum if things didnt go as I wanted.
My doctor thought I was bi-polar so he prescribed me abilify and seroquel. My parents didnt like the way the meds made me act, and about a year after being on them, my parents pulled me off it abruptly. That mixed with an abusive baby sitter made me very angry. I stopped talking to my dad around that time.
At thirteen I started smoking weed. My older brother was using drugs, (lots of ecstasy, some meth, lots of alcohol) anything he could get his hands on he did (besides LSD, he had a thing against dosing). He introduced me into the world of drugs, and the scene that came along with it. I was the youngster, and I met alot of connections for about anything.
At fourteen, I tried Ecstasy. Started smoking weed daily.
Fifteen is when I started using LSD, and boy that was the worst descision of my life. Most people claim to have done LSD (not saying there liars), but really dont know the full extent of the chemicals power. I became obsessed with tripping, I started to believe that I was more special than others because of LSD. I was facinated with meta-physical B.S. and started filling my head with junk that had nothing to do with reality. I did LSD a decent amount, probably more than most.
I started doing ecstasy alot, I went to raves, I started taking alot of xanax. My anxiety from my LSD use was intense, and I used benzos to self medicate. I went to a psychologist, and told him I had severe panic attacks. I told him I had tried xanax once and it helped me, but he refused to prescribe me xanax, instead he prescribed me klonopin. I told him it didnt work, and worked my way up to a 120 1mg prescription a month. I had my mom fill up my prescription as many times as her insurance would allow it (3 times/month). I would explode at home, break things, keyed my moms car, completely alienated my father. Never called him, told him that he was a deadbeat and that I hated him. I started using opiates, and as my use of them got heavier, my behavior got more out of hand. I would be comming down and feel like ****, and would steal all my parents cash.
SIxteen. My mom was scared of me, I was so blind of how I effected everyone around me. I tried to kill myself the day I got out of a mental hospital for breaking a window in my house. Things ended up getting worse, I fell in love with opiates, and my connect was never that steady, at the beginning of the months, I would be showering in them, towards the end of the month, he would run out of OCs. I found a connect for Horse, and it wasnt long until my parents had enough. I cried and begged my mom to help me, part of me wanted help, the other part of me just didnt think I could be helped. I got sent to a detox facility, I had some seizures from klonopin withdrawal. After two weeks in the hospital I found out I was going to a treatment center in utah.
I hated it when I first got there. I told this kid there that he was the devil, and I got a reputation for being crazy (at the time I was sort of delerious, but not like schitzo or anything). Most of the kids didnt like me, and I ended up being mean to alot of them. I felt a constant pressure of shame and regret, I couldent stand myself, I had very low self esteem. Im kind of a mommas boy, and I was one of the kids who was very home sick... so it wasnt easy being away. I turned my drug addiction into a validation addiction. I made myself feel better at others expense, and said mean things to people for no reason.
I eventually got put on individual focus. IF is when they take your stuff away, put you in sweats and in a room by yourself. Its meant for you to reflect on the things youve done, I was told not to talk or leave my desk, and if i needed to use the bathroom, I had to write it down on a note and leave it outside my door. Left in the confines of my own brain was torture. I created a living hell for myself, and I was so horrified of my past. I kept thinking of the times I scared my mom, and how I dissapointed my whole family. I felt like a peice of ****, and I cried for most of the days I was on IF. By day 8 I was going crazy, I wanted to talk to someone, and feel connection to them. I eventually got of IF, and started to do better.
I eventually became more internally motivated not to go back to where I was at. I brought up my grades, developed really good relationships with those around me. After 10 months I was allowed to come home, my mom and my therapist were reluctant, but agreed that as long as im sober I can stay at home. I was foolishly confident in my ability to stay sober, I thought that I was impervious to drugs.
I graduated from the program 12 days ago, and yesterday I had a lapse. I smoked some weed. once again I feel like a failure. I know that what happend didnt invalidate the progress I have made in the past, but dealing with my families dissapointment is almost unbearable. I feel alot of shame. Now theyre looking at another treatment center, some of the things that have happend bring me back to 10 months ago. Ive learned alot and Im dedicated to sobriety, I still have a great relationship with my parents, but theyre scared that Im going to go back to old behaviors.
Thats my story.
My doctor thought I was bi-polar so he prescribed me abilify and seroquel. My parents didnt like the way the meds made me act, and about a year after being on them, my parents pulled me off it abruptly. That mixed with an abusive baby sitter made me very angry. I stopped talking to my dad around that time.
At thirteen I started smoking weed. My older brother was using drugs, (lots of ecstasy, some meth, lots of alcohol) anything he could get his hands on he did (besides LSD, he had a thing against dosing). He introduced me into the world of drugs, and the scene that came along with it. I was the youngster, and I met alot of connections for about anything.
At fourteen, I tried Ecstasy. Started smoking weed daily.
Fifteen is when I started using LSD, and boy that was the worst descision of my life. Most people claim to have done LSD (not saying there liars), but really dont know the full extent of the chemicals power. I became obsessed with tripping, I started to believe that I was more special than others because of LSD. I was facinated with meta-physical B.S. and started filling my head with junk that had nothing to do with reality. I did LSD a decent amount, probably more than most.
I started doing ecstasy alot, I went to raves, I started taking alot of xanax. My anxiety from my LSD use was intense, and I used benzos to self medicate. I went to a psychologist, and told him I had severe panic attacks. I told him I had tried xanax once and it helped me, but he refused to prescribe me xanax, instead he prescribed me klonopin. I told him it didnt work, and worked my way up to a 120 1mg prescription a month. I had my mom fill up my prescription as many times as her insurance would allow it (3 times/month). I would explode at home, break things, keyed my moms car, completely alienated my father. Never called him, told him that he was a deadbeat and that I hated him. I started using opiates, and as my use of them got heavier, my behavior got more out of hand. I would be comming down and feel like ****, and would steal all my parents cash.
SIxteen. My mom was scared of me, I was so blind of how I effected everyone around me. I tried to kill myself the day I got out of a mental hospital for breaking a window in my house. Things ended up getting worse, I fell in love with opiates, and my connect was never that steady, at the beginning of the months, I would be showering in them, towards the end of the month, he would run out of OCs. I found a connect for Horse, and it wasnt long until my parents had enough. I cried and begged my mom to help me, part of me wanted help, the other part of me just didnt think I could be helped. I got sent to a detox facility, I had some seizures from klonopin withdrawal. After two weeks in the hospital I found out I was going to a treatment center in utah.
I hated it when I first got there. I told this kid there that he was the devil, and I got a reputation for being crazy (at the time I was sort of delerious, but not like schitzo or anything). Most of the kids didnt like me, and I ended up being mean to alot of them. I felt a constant pressure of shame and regret, I couldent stand myself, I had very low self esteem. Im kind of a mommas boy, and I was one of the kids who was very home sick... so it wasnt easy being away. I turned my drug addiction into a validation addiction. I made myself feel better at others expense, and said mean things to people for no reason.
I eventually got put on individual focus. IF is when they take your stuff away, put you in sweats and in a room by yourself. Its meant for you to reflect on the things youve done, I was told not to talk or leave my desk, and if i needed to use the bathroom, I had to write it down on a note and leave it outside my door. Left in the confines of my own brain was torture. I created a living hell for myself, and I was so horrified of my past. I kept thinking of the times I scared my mom, and how I dissapointed my whole family. I felt like a peice of ****, and I cried for most of the days I was on IF. By day 8 I was going crazy, I wanted to talk to someone, and feel connection to them. I eventually got of IF, and started to do better.
I eventually became more internally motivated not to go back to where I was at. I brought up my grades, developed really good relationships with those around me. After 10 months I was allowed to come home, my mom and my therapist were reluctant, but agreed that as long as im sober I can stay at home. I was foolishly confident in my ability to stay sober, I thought that I was impervious to drugs.
I graduated from the program 12 days ago, and yesterday I had a lapse. I smoked some weed. once again I feel like a failure. I know that what happend didnt invalidate the progress I have made in the past, but dealing with my families dissapointment is almost unbearable. I feel alot of shame. Now theyre looking at another treatment center, some of the things that have happend bring me back to 10 months ago. Ive learned alot and Im dedicated to sobriety, I still have a great relationship with my parents, but theyre scared that Im going to go back to old behaviors.
Thats my story.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
You have done so well it must have been hell. Get back to being sober - it really will get better.
Routing for you. It will be worth it - your family is praying every day that you're clean - for your sake
Routing for you. It will be worth it - your family is praying every day that you're clean - for your sake
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Otherside, so much of your story is like mine. I started using at age 12. I understand the whole LSD thing. I was in a treatment center at age 14 and clean for 9 months. I started using again and my mom made me leave the house. I moved in with my dad.
At age 16 I was high everyday and found myself pregnant, with my dealer's baby. Somehow I didn't do LSD or alcohol while pregnant. I had a beautiful baby girl. When I was 18 I decided I had enough. It took me another 3 years to get off the weed.
I now sit here with over 8 years clean and sober. It is so much better.
There is no reason to feel like a failure. Can you go to NA meetings?
Hang in there, it will get easier.
At age 16 I was high everyday and found myself pregnant, with my dealer's baby. Somehow I didn't do LSD or alcohol while pregnant. I had a beautiful baby girl. When I was 18 I decided I had enough. It took me another 3 years to get off the weed.
I now sit here with over 8 years clean and sober. It is so much better.
There is no reason to feel like a failure. Can you go to NA meetings?
Hang in there, it will get easier.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Welcome to SR OtherSide... I don't understand the problems you have had but I do understand the addiction... and the draw is powerful. The only way I have been able to get sober and put a few 24 hours behind me is to create a network that works for you and with you to help get you and keep you there.
Best of luck you can do this!
Best of luck you can do this!
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