Torn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Nyc, ny
Posts: 1
Torn
Hi everyone,
I wanted to share my story and would love to have your feedback! I'm having a lot of problems dealing with my alcoholic mother, who went from a mean, OCD level cleanliness obsessed extra strict housewife to a raging, raving monster in a decade; and my two younger sisters in their twenties, who also drink a lot and attempt to stay in contact with my mother and see her at least once a fortnight.
I live abroad and only visit once a year as anything else would be too much for me.
My mother is a disaster: she is prone to depression, self pity, blaming and generally being negative; she has told us countless times before becoming an alcoholic that she wished she had never had us, that we were abnormal, should be sent to mental institutions, accused us of being whores, drug addicts etc etc. so add drink to that picture and you get most horrific verbal abuse, plus all the disastrous consequences of her being drunk- she has been beaten up by strangers, had several accidents on a bicycle (thankfully she does not drive anymore), has tried to commit suicide 3 times, has lost countless possessions, been visited by police dozens of times, lost her job, wet herself in public, fallen flat on her face in public etc. you get the picture. What I don't get is she can be slumped on a chair semi conscious and seconds later , like by magic, be coherent, talking and seemingly all normal again.
Anyway the real problem I have is my two sisters, who live a few hours from my mom and deal with her daily. One has a young son and has decided he should have access to his grandmother, despite her problems. Both my sisters drink a lot and have used the excuse of having to drink when my mother is around in order to stop her from drinking everything, that they re trying to prevent her from consuming so much that she would die of alcohol poisoning.They also say they should be allowed to have a drink like regular adults, even if she is there and clearly has a problem.
I'm really worried as I can see my sisters turning into alcoholics as they try to cope with my mothers never ending dramas and problems and their anger. I am especially worried on the effect on my young nephew. What should I do? I am happy with almost no contact with my mother but I don't want to do that with my sisters, as I feel there is still hope for them. I also have a big problem in being strict with my sisters, and in telling them no as I empathize with them and can see they are in pain and use alcohol to dull that pain. I also feel guilty as I get to live far away from the problems of my mother. My parents have been overly strict and extremely unkind with me and my sisters all our lives and I feel my sisters need love and care, not strictness and lots of rules. How can I help them understand why getting them to stop drinking and hurting themselves is coming from love and not from wanting to control and dominate them? I would really appreciate any comments.
I wanted to share my story and would love to have your feedback! I'm having a lot of problems dealing with my alcoholic mother, who went from a mean, OCD level cleanliness obsessed extra strict housewife to a raging, raving monster in a decade; and my two younger sisters in their twenties, who also drink a lot and attempt to stay in contact with my mother and see her at least once a fortnight.
I live abroad and only visit once a year as anything else would be too much for me.
My mother is a disaster: she is prone to depression, self pity, blaming and generally being negative; she has told us countless times before becoming an alcoholic that she wished she had never had us, that we were abnormal, should be sent to mental institutions, accused us of being whores, drug addicts etc etc. so add drink to that picture and you get most horrific verbal abuse, plus all the disastrous consequences of her being drunk- she has been beaten up by strangers, had several accidents on a bicycle (thankfully she does not drive anymore), has tried to commit suicide 3 times, has lost countless possessions, been visited by police dozens of times, lost her job, wet herself in public, fallen flat on her face in public etc. you get the picture. What I don't get is she can be slumped on a chair semi conscious and seconds later , like by magic, be coherent, talking and seemingly all normal again.
Anyway the real problem I have is my two sisters, who live a few hours from my mom and deal with her daily. One has a young son and has decided he should have access to his grandmother, despite her problems. Both my sisters drink a lot and have used the excuse of having to drink when my mother is around in order to stop her from drinking everything, that they re trying to prevent her from consuming so much that she would die of alcohol poisoning.They also say they should be allowed to have a drink like regular adults, even if she is there and clearly has a problem.
I'm really worried as I can see my sisters turning into alcoholics as they try to cope with my mothers never ending dramas and problems and their anger. I am especially worried on the effect on my young nephew. What should I do? I am happy with almost no contact with my mother but I don't want to do that with my sisters, as I feel there is still hope for them. I also have a big problem in being strict with my sisters, and in telling them no as I empathize with them and can see they are in pain and use alcohol to dull that pain. I also feel guilty as I get to live far away from the problems of my mother. My parents have been overly strict and extremely unkind with me and my sisters all our lives and I feel my sisters need love and care, not strictness and lots of rules. How can I help them understand why getting them to stop drinking and hurting themselves is coming from love and not from wanting to control and dominate them? I would really appreciate any comments.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Sometimes it helps to start at the beginning. Your sisters have inherited the gene which predisposes them to addiction, now that does not mean they will become alcoholics, however, it does mean that a great deal of self control must be imposed at all times. It would appear that they are on their way to becoming an alcoholics.
As adults, this is their choice, not yours. There is nothing that you can do or say to force them to stop drinking and embrace a strong recovery program. It would appear that they are using your mother as an excuse to drink. This is common behavior for alcoholics.
You do not have the power to do anything to change them, they are adults, and, it is all up to them, it is their problem to resolve.
The true victim in all of this is the young boy, he is being exposed to a toxic enviorment and he will carry his childhood into adulthood, and again he is already predisposed to the gene.
Where is the father of your nephew? How does he fit into the scheme of things?
My mother is the A in my life, been drinking for 65 or so years, I have lived the nightmare, I do understand, yet I know that there is really nothing you can do. I wish I had a solution, yet I do not.
My best...Dolly
Sometimes it helps to start at the beginning. Your sisters have inherited the gene which predisposes them to addiction, now that does not mean they will become alcoholics, however, it does mean that a great deal of self control must be imposed at all times. It would appear that they are on their way to becoming an alcoholics.
As adults, this is their choice, not yours. There is nothing that you can do or say to force them to stop drinking and embrace a strong recovery program. It would appear that they are using your mother as an excuse to drink. This is common behavior for alcoholics.
You do not have the power to do anything to change them, they are adults, and, it is all up to them, it is their problem to resolve.
The true victim in all of this is the young boy, he is being exposed to a toxic enviorment and he will carry his childhood into adulthood, and again he is already predisposed to the gene.
Where is the father of your nephew? How does he fit into the scheme of things?
My mother is the A in my life, been drinking for 65 or so years, I have lived the nightmare, I do understand, yet I know that there is really nothing you can do. I wish I had a solution, yet I do not.
My best...Dolly
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Poussin,
Welcome, so sorry for all that you and your family are going through, please think about going to al-anon as well as reading these forums.
One thing I have learned in dealing with my mother (an alcoholic for over 40 years) and my sister (a major binge drinker) is that you cannot fix other people. All you can do is concentrate on yourself and be there for your nephew.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Welcome, so sorry for all that you and your family are going through, please think about going to al-anon as well as reading these forums.
One thing I have learned in dealing with my mother (an alcoholic for over 40 years) and my sister (a major binge drinker) is that you cannot fix other people. All you can do is concentrate on yourself and be there for your nephew.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 284
"having to drink when my mother is around in order to stop her from drinking everything, that they re trying to prevent her from consuming so much that she would die of alcohol poisoning."
That's a good one. Haven't heard that one yet.
I'm very sorry that your family has been cursed with addiction. It sounds awful, and there's nothing you can do except take comfort in the fact that people can and do get sober, myself included.
That's a good one. Haven't heard that one yet.
I'm very sorry that your family has been cursed with addiction. It sounds awful, and there's nothing you can do except take comfort in the fact that people can and do get sober, myself included.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes their reasons for drinking are just a sham. I agree the only thing you can do is be involved for the boy but being long distance that won't be easy. One thing I do know is that when the boy is 13 he can legally choose who he wants to live with. If you have any direction in that area maybe you could start having him for the summers to give him some stability. Not sure where you are at concerning his welfare. But you are a blood relative and could impact his life. I had to do this with my nephews when they were old enough. It's not easy living with this but it looks like you have made good decisions. Good luck.
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