dandelion75

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone could give me advice on how to detach...meaning, I have a hard time letting "injustices" go. If I feel that I have been wronged or disrespected in any way. I lose it! In a very unhealthy, emotional manner. I fluctuate between no boundaries or overly aggressive boundaries. There's no in between with me. Can anyone help with some advice on steps to disengage? Sometimes I think that my ABF gets off on my reactions.

marie1960

I've said this before:

Holding a grudge allows someone to live rent free in our head.

We can only control our actions, these "injustices" are someone else's actions. We cannot own someone else's action or behavior.

And my all time favorite that I learned on this forum:

It is not any of my business what someone else says about me.

I am sure your ABF is trying to get you to engage, it's a form of control,. When they realize they are no longer effective one of two things happen, they either quit, or step up the game. Only you can control your response, by going about your business and not giving them a reaction, they eventually will get tired and stop. (HOPEFULLY)

Sending warm thoughts your way.

jOSE2

Detachment -was also a hard concept for me to understand in the beginning of my personal journey in recovery,I knew I had to remove myself from the situation, and I say to myself now ,at this moment or today, I will detach because a particular person,place or thing is distubing my serenity , it may not be for ever,but at this time I will remove myself,and I found saying the Serenity Prayer over and over again to myself helped,or in my case physically removing myself.,when or if the need arose.

wellnowwhat

I used to detach with rage. When I detected the slightest hint that my AH was drinking, again!, I would go up to my bedroom and settle in there and watch tv, read or whatever. I had removed myself from him, and I might get distracted for a while, but I had no serenity. I was still verifying the fact of his alcoholism every time I sniffed out the faintest scent or noted the faintest slur.

Once I finally and truly accepted that he was alcoholic, and I decided to quit verifying his drinking all the time, I did find calm acceptance, not rage, and real detachment took place. Because I wasn't stoking my anger by seeking out proof of his drinking all the time, and adopted a new attitude of "well of course he's drinking - he's an alcoholic" I could detach right there in the livingroom rather than seeking a physical detachment up in my room. The "he's not drinking AT me, he's just drinking" took away a lot of rage and bitterness, and I began to feel compassion for him.

Please note, he is a closet drinking kind man that when he drinks he just gets quieter and eventually heads up to bed. He doesn't rage, or abuse or destroy things or pass out, etc. This, of course, makes it easier to detach than if he was loud and falling down.

For me, it wasn't so much what I actually did, it was a shift in the way I thought.

Just my experience, hope it helps.

mattmathews

Detachment is definitely letting go of those reflexive reactions to things that your alcoholic does and says. I feel like I've come a long way in my own life. Al-Anon helped. Reading "Co-dependent No More." Learning about boundaries...heck learning that it was ok to have boundaries. Learning to only worry about the stuff inside my boundary.
And then learning to talk to my RAW. Learning to talk calmly especially when I was hurt or angry. Learning that the icky feeling I used to get in my gut didn't have to be there..that if I talked about it, it would go away. Learning that I really couldn't read my wife's mind...and when I thought she was pulling my strings or disrespecting me, often something completely different was going on in her head. But I didn't know that unless I got the guts to actually ask her, and for me, that had become very tough to do. We barely talked.
I don't know, I think I was more lucky that good. But I do think it takes work. And I don't think it happens overnight. And I don't think we can do it by ourselves. (Because really, how has that been working for us?)
Find a group. Find a therapist. It's worth it. When I look back on how unhappy and miserable I used to be...it's really easy to feel grateful for the ways I've changed.

lillamy

I've detached from my X just fine, but I'm still finding that I have to work on detaching in other situations.

I'm dealing with a couple of situations at work right now where I have to tell myself (just as I did when I was married to AXH), "they're not doing it AT ME, they're just doing it."

I've really been struggling with this today, but just tonight, I came to the realization that God (that's what I call my HP) provides me with opportunities to see where my codependency still needs to be worked on, and when I don't see the first opportunity, he'll give me another one. And pile them on until I get what I need to do.

We're works in progress.

sesh

For me the key for detachment was when I realized: No one ows me anything.
Any given situation, with anyone - I can like it or not, take it or leave it.
For me it is working so well I almost can't see why I was fussing so much about it in the past.
But to get there, I guess one has to give him/herself some though love, and reexamine his/hers life paradigms, beliefs, fears, hopes, the whole lot. I guess to live by such a paradigm: no one ows me anything, one can get there from either working on him/herself and eventually reaching that thought, or starting from that paradigm (as from something that sounds right) and working his/hers way backwards in changing other aspects of behavior and thinking.
I don't wish to say this is a rule, only that it is working for me.
HUGS

Panther

I know what you mean. I used to often fluctuate between being sweet and appeasing, to pulling out the claws and getting a little scary. I'm trying to find a middle ground now, which I believe would be called moderation?

I can tell you what is helping me. I try to meditate everyday. This really helps me be centered and in tune with what it is I am truly feeling. Sometimes when we ignore our negative/aggressive feelings too long, they can cause problems. Meditation is really about taking the time to listen to yourself.

I also love to go hiking. This psychologist I'm really into, Jung, believed that nature has a healing affect. Nature is our natural environment. We are like wolves that have been domesticated into house pets. While there are some perks to being domesticated, we also lose out on the connection that connects all living things. This connection can be found in nature. I often feel that when I go hiking in the forest that I am returning home, and I am in a way.

There is no easy way to getting to a place where you have some inner peace. Every journey is different. Follow what it is that attracts you, even if it's something different you haven't tried before.

Panther

mattmathews

I posted last night, but I woke up this morning still thinking about what really helped me with detachment. I came up with a fragment of an answer:
One of the slogans what I really like is "It's none of my business what other people think about me." The idea is that people usually don't see the world as it really is, we see it through really thick filters. We react to events with fear, anger & defensiveness based on all the baggage that we started developing in childhood right on through this very moment. So if someone likes me, or doesn't like me, or hates the clothes I'm wearing or thinks I'm a geek...that's not really about me. That's about all the stuff going on in their heads. It's their business.
It's a subtle, but powerful way of looking at our interactions with other people.
Somehow, I was actually able to apply that concept to my interactions with my wife. In the past when I would "hear" a criticism from her, I would react by feeling hurt, or by getting angry, or by starting to push her buttons. Usually, my response generated a reaction from her, which in turn would generate a reaction from me. Usually she'd end up drinking, and I'd end up sitting in stony silence. Now, I'm able to listen to what my RAW has to say without getting emotionally involved (usually). Her feelings are her feelings. And even when I do feel attacked or hurt...I'm usually able to look at my own reactions and talk about it or deal with it.
I know it helps immensely that my RAW is not drinking. But I've changed too!

wellnowwhat

One of the slogans what I really like is "It's none of my business what other people think about me." The idea is that people usually don't see the world as it really is, we see it through really thick filters. We react to events with fear, anger & defensiveness based on all the baggage that we started developing in childhood right on through this very moment. So if someone likes me, or doesn't like me, or hates the clothes I'm wearing or thinks I'm a geek...that's not really about me. That's about all the stuff going on in their heads. It's their business.

Yes! This helps so much. I've wasted too much time worrying and wondering why people do things and say things, and adding connotations into their comments / behaviours that weren't there in the first place. I could take a small comment, add a negative tone to it, develop a back story and give it a life of it's own. Sometimes I would go back to the original person and apologize for my part in this narrative that I've created and lost sleep over, and they would not even remember some small little comment that they tossed off. When I can let go of what I think people think of me, what people may actually think of me and tell myself "I don't know why they said it, so I won't worry about it", I can successfully detach and spend the extra head space on choosing positive thoughts and emotions. It is so freeing!

dandelion75

Thank you all for your help. I truly needed this. I'm very new to the program and life right now isn't allowing me to go to a meeting. I'm going to do whatever it takes to go this evening. I'm obsessing about my ABF's birthday which is next week. We are going on vacation. Vacation = ABF drinking morning till night until he passes out and then starts again the next morning. So many people say...aren't you excited to go on vacation? The answer is no, I'm scared. I'm really really scared.

marie1960

Personally, I wouldn't go on vacation with the former XA.

I did not want to waste my vacation time, energy, and hard earned money babysitting his ass. I could get that crap at home.

If you are really worried, perhaps you should cancel. Sometimes that little voice in our head is really trying to tell us something...................

Best of luck.......

sesh

Vacations are tough. I remember feeling so relieved when I find out on SR there are other people who dread the idea of vacation too. As vacation with and active A is anything but a relaxing time. (God, it gives me the chills even rembering those happy times).

But detachment is something you could practise while on this vacation. Since you can't count on him to be someone you'll have nice relaxing time with, why don't try to make it for yourself. Let him do his thing, while you do yours. As he will be doing his thing anyway, so the only question that remains is will you spend your vacation feeling misserable because of what he does, or will you try to make it enjoyable for yourself? Make some "me time" out of it, read some good books, go for walks, whatever, make the most of the place you'll be spending your vacation at.
tell yourself you need a vacation too, vacation from worrying, feeling pain,... give yourself permission to disengage from all those ovewhelming parts or your life, put all of it on ignore for few days, and enjoy.
I know it sounds like an awfully hard thing to do, but it is not, as long as you decide and permit yourself to do so.
Or you can always cancel (if that feels right for you) and go on vacation by yourself.
This comes from a woman who went on vacation while her AH was in hospital recovering from miraculously not dieing from end stage liver cirrhosis. This may sound like a horrible thing to do, to some, but if I didn't go I would literaly go insane. So instead I gave myself a break, I took my kids and had best vacation in years.

HUGS

posiesperson

"I am sure your ABF is trying to get you to engage, it's a form of control,. When they realize they are no longer effective one of two things happen, they either quit, or step up the game. Only you can control your response, by going about your business and not giving them a reaction, they eventually will get tired and stop." ~marie1960

Yup. What she said--that's it, EXACTLY. And them "stopping" still means that they keep coming back: weeks, months and/or YEARS later. Staying centered is essential because their disease is like a wild animal waiting for just the right moment to pounce. The miracle is that inner peace/serenity is like a silver bullet to that crap.

My favorite slogan, when I've been particularly troubled by feeling I CAN'T detach: "Let go, or be dragged." Followed quickly by "Work the program, not the problem."

posie

fourmaggie

detaching...or resentments...??

resentment to me is something I create for myself out of my own resentance to accepting something i can't change....

m1k3

As I get further into my recovery I find what I am working on is not so much detachment from my AW but not attaching to my feelings. It's OK to have the feelings, to feel the feeling but there is no need to attach myself to the feeling. Just let it happen and move on. I don't know if that makes sense or not it's kind of hard to explain but it has been working very well for me.

Edit> It's kind of like when you have those weird thoughts pop up in your head. It's OK to look at it and say "Wow, where did that come from" but there isn't any need to attach to it. It's just a thought or it's just a feeling.

Your friend,