k3lli

I decided to get sober in February and stayed that way until July, when I decided I wanted to try moderation. Long story short that didnt work for long. One night it all came to a head, when I got out of control and violent. I did some serious damage to my relationship with my boyfriend.

We broke up, but are still talking and seeing each other. Now his only concern is that I get sober and stay that way. I want to be sober too, it is really important to me.
He got angry at me over the weekend because I went to the bar with some of my friends but i did not drink. I had a good time and was proud of myself for not drinking. He made me feel like I made a bad choice, and that even though I didnt drink that I shouldn't have gone in the first place. His concern is that those friends do not understand my drinking problem, and will not keep me from drinking. My argument is that its not their job to keep me sober, its mine. I don't want to get sober and cut myself off from everyone. I still want to go out and be with friends, it just so happens that a lot of them drink. I proud of myself for not drinking, I felt good. I was engaged in the conversation, I didnt do anything to make an ass of myself like I would have if i drank.. and still I got lectured about how I have no business being in a bar. I feel like I didnt do anything wrong. I felt like the main goal was to have a good time while sober, and that was accomplished.
He just says it doesnt matter that I went to a bar and didnt drink, its the fact that I'm tricking myself into thinking I am in control.

What is your honest opinion on this? Am I being irresponsible for going to a bar and choosing not to drink? Is this a disaster waiting to happen? Or do you think its possible for an alcoholic to be in a place where alcohol is being served and make the choice not to drink?

SSIL75

Yes it's possible. But it makes me concerned that maybe you're not quite moving on with your life. I would (and have) gone to bar no problem. And on occasion I think it's fine. But are you living a 'drunk' life without drinking? I can't conclude that from your post at all but is that what he's worried about?

k3lli

Thanks, I believe thats his point too. I'm not interested in living a "drunk lifestyle". I'm just trying to get out and have a normal life with friends without drinking. I dont want to spend all my weekends in bars, and I dont want to be around people who are raging drunks. I just want to have fun, and maintain sobriety. It was really empowering for me to be there and not drink. I didnt feel like I was missing out on anything, and I know I had a lot more fun sober than I would have if I drank.

I just cant stand being told that Im going to fail at being sober just because I was around others who were drinking.

Terminally Unique

Have you stopped going on the wagon and finally quit for good and all, or do you intend to change your mind and try the old game again at some point? What is your plan for your future use of alcohol? Are you going to drink again in this lifetime, or are you not? Your answers to those questions, which you need not share with me, should give you much insight.

doggonecarl

I'm not going to say you are irresponsible for going in a bar. All of us in recovery want to be able to exist in a world where there is alcohol, where temptations exsist, and not drink. And congrats on not drinking. But does ONE trip to a bar and remaining sober mean you should make it a habit?

Maybe where you might have been a little irresponsible was with your boyfriends feelings. He's probably seen you at your worst. Seen your experiment with moderation fail, and is concerned that you will slip into old ways. Do you want a relationship with your boyfriend or, as you put it, "I just want to have fun."

A lot of newcomers come here and don't want to leave their old life behind, go to parties, bars, etc. even when they are advised here that it may not be in their best interests. Then many of them come back and tell us they relapsed and the feel horrible.

And you are right...it isn't your friends job to keep you sober, nor is it your boyfriends job. It is yours. Is trying to keep your feet in two worlds--a recovery filled one and a old lifestyle one--the best way to maintain sobriety? Good luck.

tuffy1006

all I am gonna say is that if you hang out in a barber shop long enough you are eventually going to get a haircut.

tanja

I would steer clear of bars. The primary activity in a bar is to drink. Your brain has not told you that it is okay to go to a bar and not drink. The next time you might not be so lucky. I think your boyfriend is looking out for your best interests. You friends are not. There are more ways to have fun than to hang out in a bar.

Sparkydog

I think you can, I can be in bars and around drinkers and not drink. I also find it empowering, it depends on the individual. Im a big fan of personal responsibility and self control, thats how I maintain my sobriety.

least

When my sobriety was new I didn't put myself in such situations but now that I've got almost two years sober it wouldn't bother me at all.

Peter G

How long have you got? Because I gotta say that being at a bar and not drinking when you're newly sober is nothing to be proud of. In fact I dare say it's something to be embarrassed about. Going to a place where alcohol is the center of attention and the glue that bonds people, well it's fairly risky behavior for someone brand new to sobriety, who's main concern is - apparently - NOT drinking. Early in abstinence it's much more wise to focus on separating yourself from situations that involve booze, especially situations that involved YOU and booze. Just sayin'. Plainly your boyfriend is upset that you willingly put yourself in a position of unnecessary vulnerability, and IMO he has every right to be worried and disappointed, especially if he was at the wrong end of your afore-mentioned "out of control and violent" alcohol explosion.

Don't get me wrong, as alcoholics we all have to learn how to live life on life's terms, and that means being around booze as much as the next guy. Thing is, at the jumping off point there is a decompression necessary, a buffer zone that entails you set aside the life you think you can live without booze while you search to find methods and means from which you actually can deal with said life, sober. Some can just stop and there is no lingering issue. Some, alcoholics and problem drinkers, they require a skill set, focus, and a fairly vigilant commitment in order to stay stopped. Which person are you? It sounds to me like you're in the latter category, in which case, just NOT drinking is simply not enough.

In your post you haven't mentioned any program or system you're currently focusing on for your NOT drinking. You haven't asked what you can do to assist your goal of NOT drinking. What you have told us is that there is a list of things you DON'T want to change just because you don't drink. That tells me you might want to look long and hard at how you actually expect to solve this drinking problem, because for most of us, some lifestyle changes are necessary.

How about making a list of things you are willing to change, at least temporarily? Going to a bar simply because that's where most of your friends congregate tells me you need new friends, at least temporarily, unless you are fully prepared to be bored and irritated by your friends on the nights when they get sloppy and stupid. Unless you're fully prepared to watch as the very substance that causes you problems is passed around within inches of your mouth. Unless you're totally positive it won't bother you at all when you smell the booze in the air, the camaraderie of a group of drinkers offering you drinks, and as you see how people are seemingly having more fun than you and... oh what the hell, may as well have a few, it won't hurt...

I think you get what I'm sayin'.

Look, I'm not here to slam you, just give you a bit of experiential reality. My experience is that being an alcoholic, I'd do best to avoid raging infernos if I have a tendency to get burned. Like someone else just mentioned, I'd rather not hang around a barber shop if I don't want a haircut. Once you have some sober time and a good program under your belt, have at it. Go anywhere there is booze, because at a certain point in your recovery you will be adequately equipped and knowledgeable about the problems associated with yourself and booze, and much more capable of dealing with cravings, temptations, et all. Until then I would say that you likely shouldn't trust yourself to have the correct advice about how to quit drinking, when it was YOU that put yourself in a situation of being an "out of control, violent" problem drinker.

Itchy

Hi and welcome to SR!
If you have to ask, you are already in trouble. While I completely agree that living the drunk lifestyle sober doesn't work for us early in sobriety because most of us tried that as none of us wanted to lose the good feelings and escape we had until we got out of control. So we try everything don't we.

Let's take another approach because I hear some warning signs here in your post. I hear you saying that fun happens only in going out to places where alcohol is the main course. Dark places (aren't they always? Ever closed own a bar and seen and felt the sudden onslaught of the lights being turned all the way on?) where we can't easily be seen?

You seem to be of the opinion that bars/clubs/discos/parties/ etc all are the only ways of having fun.

So let me ask you. What other forms of fun might you have overlooked? Are there indoor pools where you live? Gyms? Ski slopes in Winter? Lakes and skis in summer? Deep Sea fishing? Para Gliding? Private pilot courses? Scuba lessons? Bike courses and trails. Motorcycles? Sky diving classes? Golf courses? Paint ball clubs? Mini golf? Tennis lessons? Rock climbing c;lasses or rocks? Mountain climbing? Boating and water skis? Hiking trails? Beaches and surfing? Windsurfing? Jet-skis? Camping places? RVs for sale or rent? Four wheelers? Places you'd like to visit? Vacation spots you never afforded yourselves?

Most newly sober folks haven't done the math yet. They read the above and could add more but the initial reaction is:

I can't do those or can't afford those.

If you do the math and use all the money you did drinking to take lessons or try the above or other non alcoholic centered activities you will find that you most likely have the money to do things you could not afford before. And if you are in debt because of your drinking you can now get out of debt.

It is up to you. My only point is that if having fun is limited to dark places at night where drinking is the lubricant, then you have overlooked a lot of alternatives that are really fun.

What good is getting sober if you sit around all day missing drinking.

Sobriety is the do over we can give ourselves, to live life!

Charon

Everything I have heard suggests that it is a diasaster waiting to happen. The standard two lines I hear at meetings all the time are "If you sit in a barbershop long enough you will eventually get a haircut" and "The guys that spend time in a house of ill reput aren't there to listen to the piano player"

That said, I can easily attend functions where alcohol is served/available because I didin't drink under those circumstances. In those situations I wouldn't be able to drink like the rest of those attending so I didn't drink. I always drank alone and only when I was alone. I doubt I could hang out in a bar. The majority of those there aren't there to have a glass and a half of beer/wine/mixed drink and for good conversation. I'm sure that I would fail in a short time.

StPeteGrad

For this alcoholic, I can tell you that honesty is THE most important thing to my continued sobriety and recovery.

As I forge a new life I have absolutley NO HONEST REASON to be in a bar. As others very succinctly put it - it's a drinker's life style without the drink.

I also tried to live my normal bar life the first time I got sober and it would never last more than a week or so followed by shame and feelings of failure.

Whether or not you agree with me I can only tell you this: Changing my lifestyle from a drinker's lifestyle to that of a non-drinker in recovery has worked quite well.

Instead of spending my time with people in bars I'm using that energy to work with others also in recovery. It's very rewarding.

Good luck.

Littletori

It is totally ur choice if u feel u are strong enough to resist temptation!
I am only 6wks sober and would not take the risk & at the moment am avoiding those situations, i have been out to restaurants with family & not drunk. I am too scared that a nt out to a bar with friends would ruin what i have done so far!

Good luck & courage

Peter G

Sorry, just caught this post on a re-read... Gotta say Sparky, I'm also a massive fan of personal responsibility and self control. These principals have guided me in every area of my personal and professional life, and at certain points, to great feats of success. What makes it weird is that for the last 6 years or so years I could never seem to exercise my personal responsibility or my self control at all, because it just flat out cut into my drinking time. Come to think of it, for 20 years previous to that I always had an awful time struggling to maintain self control, thanks to a progressively worsening habit of getting sloshed-out drunk. Could it be that my apparent lack of self control, thus my seeming abdication of personal responsibility is part of what defines me as alcoholic?

Just sayin', if I had enough self control to stay sober I would never have dug the hole that led me to death's doorstep in the first place. That these things help you is absolutely brilliant, don't get me wrong. But for me, things like 'self control', and 'responsibility' became little more than lofty and untouchable ideals if getting drunk was on my mind. Am I perhaps reading too much into this? Hmmm... Thing is, it's usually the pathological absence of these very principals that leads us drunks to the many problems and tragedies our lives become from drinking.

I'm just thinking that the OP might not be very well versed in applying self control and personal responsibility over her drinking this soon in the game.

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding the context of your post entirely Sparky. If so, my bad and I do apologize. Seriously not trying to incite a riot here.

Anna

I don't think spending time in a bar is something good either.

Of course you want to have fun, but for me the fun had to change to doing things that didn't involve alcohol. And, it's worked really well for me. I would have no fear of going into a bar for a meal, but I have no reason to.

And, yes, staying sober involves personal responsibility. But, I caused pain for my family and I try to be sensitive to their feelings. And, especially early on in recovery, I would not have gone somewhere that caused my husband a lot of concern.

Eddiebuckle

He's got a very good point.

marcia36

I have been sober for a year this Thanksgiving. :-) This past year I have been out a few times to clubs and places where people get drunk, but I dont think I really had that much fun. The last time I went out I swore I would never go out to a bar again...it was so boring! People I went with went from fun to drunk, ending up being terrible for conversation. I think next time I'll hit up a coffee bar.
Also I think your boyfriend is just worried about you. That is wonderful that you felt proud of yourself for abstaining. Maybe you and your boyfriend can find other activities around town together that are more fun than bars.

Gerbosko

I've done it, twice. What got in my way was my ego thinking that since I don't have no desire for alcohol, I can easily sit in a bar and drink soda. At both bars, I was completely sober but the thought of drinking did come up once when I ordered food and had to sit there and look at the dozens of beers they sold right in front of me. My ego was too large when I first quit drinking, since I've been on this forum and learned a ton, I know that I'm risking myself for relapse and I'm much much more aware of whats around me and my thoughts.

If you want to stay sober, why are you going to Bars?

When you become sober, you begin a new life and a whole new journey. You're not cutting yourself off from everyone, If bars were our only option for "fun", we all wouldn't be here nor would this forum ever exist. Fun is having a great time and enjoying yourself and being able to remember it. Fun is NOT drinking alcohol, slurring, and driving home while intoxicated.. Is fun getting a DUI, or not remember the night before? Passing out, throwing up..etc etc.

You can go out and be with friends, I'm not saying that's bad, but please understand that there are a LOT of things to do in this world - In the drunks mind this world is small - in a sober person's mind this world is full of endless activities. Go for a walk, eat at a restaurant, visit each other at home, etc etc.

Dee74

Welcome k3lli

I stayed out of bars for a couple of years...I waited until I was sure of my recovery...then, as a musician, I went back and played in them a little, I went sometimes & listened to some other music too....

but I found it wasn't for me anymore.

It wasn't that I was tempted or anything - I just find the whole scene sad dreary and depressing now.

It doesn't do anything for the person I've become, y'know?

You need to be absolutely 100% of your motives k3lli. That would be my advice

D