GettingBy

So, I was sitting and thinking this morning about where I was years ago, months ago, a week ago... and now today. Thinking about how I've changed as a person - and the fact that I'm making decisions TODAY that seemed so far beyond me months and years ago.

I came back to Al-anon this spring because I was suffering. I hurt. Life was out of control. I needed the pain to stop but I had no clue how to make it. I was filled with fear. My life decisions, based on that fear, were focused on trying to control my situation. Trying to control/manipulate the people, places, things around me to make me feel better, happier, more peaceful. The harder I tried to control - the worse life got.

I began to really work and live the Steps and something magical/spiritual happened... life got better. Not instantly... but little by little... one day at a time.

Step One was HARD... really hard (I still find myself working it on a daily basis!!). I am powerless over people, places, and things. I can't CHANGE anyone but myself. For me - the key to this is letting go. Someone's being nasty to me? Let go. Can't change them. Figure out what I can change about me to protect myself from that unacceptable behavior.

Step Two and Three - for me boil down to "I can't, HP can... let him!" The first step... let go... two and three... Let God!

For years, I interrupted this to me - let go and let life just happen. Well, that's true to an extent... except, for me...that ended up with me playing the role of victim/martyr. "Oh I'm powerless over all this crap! Look how awful he's treating me!!" What I have learned my studying/working boundaries is that I not only have a right, but a DUTY, to protect myself. To not be a doormat for people to walk on.

I have learned that I need to make some really big hard decisions - major life changing decisions that SCARED_THE_CRAP_OUTTA_ME!!!! I had to make the decision to end my marriage - and move to a two-house, split family, coparenting situation. Ugh. My fear of that - kept me living in a really unhealthy single house situation. So, I prayed... asked for my HPs help and guidance. I turned and faced my fears and prayed for the strength and clarity to find the solution.

So, here I am today - in the thick of the divorce process, the "dream" house is for sale (who wants it?!?!?), the engineering business is shutting down and I'm going to go back to work for somebody else (for the first time in over 5 years!). Life is moving forward in a positive direction. I don't know what the destination looks like - i just know that for today, I'm right where I'm supposed to be and that no matter what comes my way - my HP is always with me.

It's hell in the hallway I'm in right now. I would LOVE to just have it all over and done with (I'm sooo ready to live my New Life!)... but I pray for patience and do my best to trust the process.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

dancingnow

GB Thanks for sharing your stories of courage. You had the strength all along and your faith gave you the courage.

I know I have the strength and everyone tells me so but it's not the strength that will move me forward, it is courage. Little by little I am getting there by letting go and letting God show me the way.

Your posts are welcome reminders that it takes time to heal and there are many tools to help us get there.

((HUGS)) to you as you continue on your journey and best wishes in your new endeavors.

jOSE2

Hi Gettingby,

Wonderful !

Leaping

Getting By, you are awesome. thank you for sharing your story, its nice to read that happiness is at the end of the tunnel for those who have the courage to begin the journey. Keep posting!

Tuffgirl

Thanks Shannon. I needed this today. Having trouble reining my own fears on some aspects in my life. This is a great reminder! Progress, not perfection...and I am a work in progress, that's for sure!
~T

nodaybut2day

Funny you should post this today...I spent a good deal of time yesterday sitting in a lovely church, praying for guidance and release from fear. And then I spent several hours in the evening discussing someone's fears with them, and seeing just how much that fear has a hold. As a former hardcore atheist, I am shocked on a daily basis at how powerful prayer has become for me...

I'm reminded of a quote from Frank Herbert's "Dune" (nerd alert!!) about fear:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will let permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when the fear has gone, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where there fear has gone there will be nothing
Only I will remain."