quitforme79

So I know Christmas is not that close but it's not too far either. I have to fly to be with my family & a few that will be there are alcoholics. Usually I partake in the drinking but no longer. I'd rather spend a night sober in a bar than sober around them because I don't want to deal with the pressure. What do I say? That I've quit? What if I'm met with something negative or make them feel bad that they haven't? These sound like stupid questions and I could probably easily answer if this were someone else's post. Don't get me wrong, they are wonderful people and I think they'll be happy for me but that doesn't mean they won't drink. Guess I'll bring along a good book and plan to hit the sack early...

Dee74

I stayed away from my family the first year or two - is that an option, quitforme?

If it's not, then look over this link - even tho it's for Thanksgiving, it has some really good ideas - it might help you feel better prepared at least:

http://www.cryingoutnow.com/2010/11/...val-guide.html

D

Itchy

Quit,
Yes you are right, it does SEEM easier to advise another than to advise ourselves. You raise one issue that is a non-player since it has nothing to do with you. You can't make them feel bad about their drinking. If they are alcoholics they already do. Your not drinking has nothing to do with them. So first stop taking responsibility for the the feelings of others. Unless you are planning to try and make them feel bad. Which I doubt.

I quit smoking and drinking, my wife still smokes and drinks. My two grown boys still drink. They all felt uneasy drinking in front of me, but I reassured them that my not drinking does not have any bearing on them. And I mean that. No one could have "disapproved" me off of alcohol! I certainly would not have tolerated any preachy holier than thou speeches from any of them and I'll be danged if they will hear them from me.

Now it is up to you if you feel that you are too weak to be around drinkers in a family environment. If so make you excuses and don't go. But I think you may find that the world isn't the only part of the universe that does not revolve around you. I think you may find the experience of it being a non-event perhaps a bit disappointing at first. Or a hearty congratulations for quitting unsatisfying, I don't know. For me, it turns out that no one else really drank like I did, I just never noticed because i was buzzed.

It really isn't that hard to get through but you do need to be on your guard, and not ready for any excuse.

Good luck!

pootles

How long will you be staying, quitforme79?

How about, to keep the pressure off yourself, and so as not to inadvertently seem judgemental, you say you're on some sort of medication and have been advised not to drink until you're no longer taking them? e.g taking antibiotics for an 'ear infection', or strong painkillers for a 'slipped disk / bad back'. And then change the subject.

quitforme79

I definitely still want to go. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone so staying home is not an option. I live far away from everyone so spending Christmas alone would depress me at this point. Itchy, my intention is certainly not to make anyone feel bad, I tend to worry about other's feelings a lot (sometimes too much) and this is something I am working on in therapy. I know a lot of people in my life will continue to drink and at times I will be around it so that just comes with getting used to being sober especially during main events. I sure will miss having wine with my grandmother though. Back in the day we used to have just 2 glasses and giggle like crazy. Makes me a little sad that I can't do that anymore..I know that will just lead to me polishing off the whole bottle. And Pootles, I really like what you said. I am actually on medication I shouldn't be drinking on anyway but never paid heed to the warning- of the wonders of denial lol I just may do that for now. This holiday will be a huge challenge for me but I can succeed and will be proud of myself on the sober flight home. Thank you for all your responses and advice and love the link Dee! Off to work for me

SSIL75

This has been my experience exactly. Discovering that nobody cares if I drink or not. Nobody drinks like I did, etc.

As for telling my drinking family that I don't drink anymore.... they honestly didn't seem to notice. Then my mother commented that I looked 'so great' (I have lost a lot of weight). I proudly said that I was eating better and stopped drinking.

She said "Oh?"
I said "I think it was depressing me"
The End.

Have a great trip!

Itchy

I didn't for a minute think you were Quit. That is why I said I doubt it. SSIL75 had the same experience I did. In fact my family are all dead except for a couple of half brothers who are more than 6 years my junior and with whom I never really bonded. My in Laws do not drink by and large because they are too old and on meds after heart attacks and can't medically, or as is the case with my BIL they have a history of problems with substance abuse and need to stay clean as I do because we can't moderate. My two boys drink moderately but know if Dad had issues they could as well and that is all that was ever said. Other than all saying I never had a problem just because they never saw me staggering or slurring or mean or in trouble with authorities.

On Holiday get togethers I was the only one drinking with my boys having one. I brought my case and pretty much finished most of it between noon and 8 PM. So it was such a non-issue as they didn't take offense at my drinking before, and don't really notice my not drinking alcohol now.

I think many times we create issues by expecting them to happen. Called self-fulfilling prophecies they happen because we so expect things to take that turn that we help them along by our behaviors. Where if we did not expect things to go that way they won't because we act differently. Let your family down off the pedestal you have them on, and yes when we look down we are acting like they are not human and are not living according to our expectations and that is crazy. Let them and you be human and you may find that you really have a treasure there, no better or worse than that of another, and now you can contribute because you are taking care of you.

Families are hard for many. But when we create our own space, and stay out of the space of others until asked, and hug them and love them a lot in between, we can find peace just because we stopped fighting it.

Take what you can use and leave the rest.

tuffy1006

holidays are rough for many reasons.