brownhorse

AH has been gone for about a month now and started out rarely coming around. He was working a lot, but could of made more time for kids. I think but I am unsure he was drinking again. Well anyway we are doing better and I had to sign my 4 and 9 year old up for basketball. We all managed to go to dinner the other night and everything was fine. So, we took them together and my 9 year old asked his dad to stay and watch a movie for a little bit. He did and everything was fine but after he left my 9 year old started crying. When I asked why he said it didn't feel right. When I asked him what didn't feel right, he said he wished he could see his daddy everyday after school. I told him to remember what it was like when daddy was here everyday. It wasn't the same and now daddy has time to work on him so when we do see him its better. I think it is confusing him even more. But, I know what else to say. I don't want to talk bad about dad. AH is living with his father. The kids are going to start the every other weekend thing. What do I say? I want him to be able to be here too. But when he was he was either working, sleeping, complaining, or yelling.

theuncertainty

Oh, it's so hard to talk with DS, now 7, about his dad. Kids are so smart and aware of so much more than we tend to give them credit for. But it's such a fine line between giving appropriate info and letting him make up his own mind about his dad and TMI. I think the deciding factor for me has been being able to answer questions or give info without including judgements.

I try very hard to let DS know that the changes are difficult for me too, that it's OK to be upset about the changes. If DS asks something that I can't answer wo getting upset, I try to remember to tell him I need to think about his question before responding.

wavygreensea

As I struggle to understand this I have to keep in mind its even harder for my 8 year old to understand. However, he seems to accept that my AH has a problem and isn't well and we have to pray for him and give him time to do what he needs to do to get better. We are used to the separation because we are military but I'm sure its much harder for kids who are used to dad being there 24/7. I think the one benefit to my kids loving their dad so much is that it gives me more patience and understanding, even though I still get angry, and makes me want to be a better mom for them because right now, I'm all they have.

theuncertainty - Great points and I think your quote is excellent. The hardest part for me has been the uncertainty but to trust that the future wont be a horrible repeat of the past is very hopeful.

brownhorse - Has your DS played basketball before? I think its wonderful to get him involved in something like that. I've been thinking of signing my DS up for BB at the YMCA too. (((hugs))) to another mama going through this!

Love this site!

brownhorse

thanks, and hugs to you also!!!!!! He played basketball last year and it was good!!! We have a program called UPWARDS through local churchs and my son does that. I think anything you can get them involved in to take their mind off the issue is great. He goes to a couple programs after school also. (That is my teacher side coming out) Yes, feel even more like an idiot a teacher doesn't know what to do with her own son.

Thumper

I had a few conversations with my kids about alcoholism when their dad first left and went to treatment. I explained that some behaviors were due to drinking alcohol and that if someone has alcoholism they can't just stop drinking on their own, they need lots of help to stop. The examples that I gave were him sleeping on the couch instead of doing some other promised activity, taking their allowance when they were at school (which was a big issue for them at the time). My xah was not mean or difficult really so it was hard for them to grasp our seperation.

When we did seperate and divorce I mostly just stuck with the reason that adults sometimes have big problems that they can not work out. In those cases they need to live apart. It was all the adults problems and the kids did not cause it and could not fix it. I promised them over and over that I would never go away and that mom's and kids have a special relationship that keeps them together forever no matter what, even if we have a bad day. It worked for their ages at the time and was important because my xah said some not good things about me and the situation. I also told them that daddy's always love their kids, no matter what. I assured them that their dad loved them even if he was having a hard time. He flaked out a lot. He left them hanging and said and did manipulative things that made them feel bad about me, themselves, and confused and angry at me and our situation. When he didn't show up or did something kind of crazy I would tell them that "I don't know what is going on. I don't have the answer to that question either. I'm sorry." I would sometimes tell the older kids that that his behavior (not showing up) was not about them, it was about him and what was going on with him. Things eventually leveled out and I think they are forming their own opinions and/or coming to their own level of acceptance all without my help so it has worked out well. I try to never say or do anythign that puts them in a position of needing to defend him - because they will. They miss him and love him and will defend an unacceptable behavior and that is not a good place to be. It confuses things terribly. Better to let them figure it out on their own IMO. I read that kids identify with their parents, good and bad parents, and when you tear a parent down it is like tearing them down. I never wanted to do that.

Thumper

ETA: By working out well I don't mean they are home free. I actually have the two older boys in counseling. By working out well I meant that it is one of the few things I look back on and don't wish I'd have done it differently. I'd have handled the discussion the same way for the most part.

brownhorse

Thanks! My 9 year old is starting counseling next week. I am open to doing things with them and my AH because I am more comfortable with them at my house. But, that does take responsibility from him. I am working on it. I think I am doing the right thing. Just so hard when AH is a different person now but I know it is because he is going to AA focusing on himself. NOT at home dealing with every day responsibilities. That is what he has me for!

wavygreensea

This is SO important IMO. Thank you for sharing it, you worded it perfectly! My kids are the same way. They love my AH unconditionally - as expected at their age - and even when I am angry at him, I try very hard not to talk badly to him or about him in front of the kids. I never want to be in a situation where one parent is pitting the kids against the other. It never fails to get ugly and the kids always get hurt.

Another thing I've said to my DS in some situations is that his daddy will have to explain it to him one day because even mommy doesn't understand what he's going through and thinking in every situation. My AH learned in rehab that he has to own up to his behaviors and has said to me more than once that he wants to be the one to explain it to our kids when they are ready. That seems acceptable to me so I've said that several times when my older son asks me questions I have a hard time answering.

Cyranoak

Too many to count so don't feel bad about that at all. One thing that is certain, we are over-represented on this board, but perfectly represented in that the same codependent characteristics that made us choose alcoholics are the ones that make us excellent teachers and nurses.

Double-edged sword.

I'm in recovery from being a teacher and from loving an alcoholic! The difference is, of course, that I was able to easily quit teaching in 1999 to (Irony Alert!!!)... better care for my alcoholic.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

LaTeeDa

My son was 9 when his dad and I separated. One day we were watching some TV together and he started crying at a commercial. It was one of those "happy family" doing something together commercials. We talked about it and how TV is not real life, just some company wanting to sell you something by showing you images of things you want.

Just as I had to grieve the death of my "dream," so did he. He was not actually missing the family we had, but the family he wanted us to be. I think listening, understanding, and validating his feelings was the best thing I could do for him at the time. I know how heartbreaking it is to see your child hurting. ((()))

L

lillamy

I have tried to balance very carefully when talking to the kids.

AXH did go through rehab and the kids came to family meetings with him there. So I am still talking to them about his alcoholism, even though he now claims he never was an alcoholic and isn't.

I tell them alcoholism is a disease. I tell them when you have a disease, it's your choice if you get treatment for it or not. If you have cancer and don't get treatment, you might die. If you have alcoholism and you choose to not get treatment for it, you can die, too. I've told them it affects your brain so that you have a hard time making good decisions. I've told them that their father loves them, but that his alcoholism makes it hard for him to show it in appropriate ways. And I've told them until he chooses to get treatment and help, he will not get better, only worse.

When they ask me if he will stop drinking if they just behave better/stop fighting/lose weight/get better grades, I answer them with a question: I ask "if he had lung cancer, would you ask yourself those questions?"

It's a tricky balance, to not rob him of his dignity in the eyes of the children, while still being honest about his alcoholism. But I'm done lying to them. I did that for too many years.

Cyranoak

...just brilliant!