jacksdaughter

OMG I can't believe it. My son was doing so well, looked great seemed like he had his stuff together and BAMM his engagment broke up and I feel like I'm dealing with him 5 years ago. Doesn't answer his phone all weekend and claims to be sick as a dog (claiming the flu) and then when he finally call me back yells at me that I give him an attitude what do I think "he's doing herion or something ". Everything time I think things are going well BAMM here we go again. At 30 I don't think he needs to be yelling at his mother and I hate that I have to keep crying and being upset and worried about him yet again. My feeling if you are really just sick why won't you answer the phone and tell us that right?? I know you are all probably sick of hearing this, and I don't know why every time upsets me just as much.

Thanks for the listening ears.

JMFburns

Howdy,

I sure know how you feel.

Beginning of this year my son's (31 yr old) girlfriend broke up with him and for a bit I panic'd about what would happen. Although it was painful, sad, angering, etc. for my son he managed to work through it and has come to a better place about it . . . shocked me to see him going through the grief stages and come out the other side! I just let him handle it, vent when he needed to but remembered not to become "involved", just to be a listening ear (just like we are here for each other.)

I wish you and your son the best of luck.

hello-kitty

I have a boundary for telephone conversations:

If someone disrespects me or yells at me on the phone, I tell them calmly I am hanging up now. And I do not accept any more calls from them.

outtolunch

Back when, the more I focused on my daughter, the less I focused on controlling myself. Sounds kind of obvious now, but it felt like the weight of the world was lifted when I took responsibility for my own reactions. I did not have to stay on the line, when my daughter went off on me. I did not have to cry, get upset or worry about things well beyond my control.

My daughter's moods and behaviors do not dictate my mood and reactions.

suki44883

He's a 30 year old man. It's his decision on how he wants to live his life. If he's doing drugs, that's his business. That may sound harsh, but seriously, he has a right to his privacy and if he doesn't want to answer his phone then he doesn't have to and it shouldn't affect your mood in any way.

jacksdaughter

I agree that he is a 30 year old man and can live his life as he wants but it doesn't make it any easier. And true he doesn't need to answer his phone or return a call, but it was important and it was for him. Then he calls and yells at me put me right over the edge. Some days it's just harder to deal with than others I guess. I can't help it that I love him more than life itself.

steve1840

hi-

reading your post i knew exactly how you feel, well, almost, because my alo is not my child, so i can never fully feel what parents feel. but, i think when we are in the grips of this stuff, we all lose it the same. we have that need to be looking down on them to see what they are doing and how they are doing. i know what you feel though when you say you love him more than life itself. i have felt that way about my alo for a long time. the hardest thing i have ever had to do is this detaching. and i am still not there. i still get sucked in by a call and still find myself not at the point yet to go no contact. there has been a bunch of chaos over the past few days and i have done my best to hang on and let if be.

but when i got a text that asked if i was around that she just wanted to say hi if i had a minute to call, well....i called. we talked for a minute and she had to go and said she's call back. i didn't expect her to, and she didn't. part of me got really mad- like, how can you be so self absorbed that you cant take another minute to call back. so my head started reeling a bit, and today i have had the urge to call, but i keep saying, next hour, not now. i want to know whats up, but in my situation i guess all i need to know is that she is doing what she is doing and i cant do anything about it.

i also know what you fell like about the way he talked. my alo used to talk to me on the phone like that sometimes and i finally said, look, i have been here for you through everything, you need to control yourself and at least give me the respect to not talk like that to me, and that seems to have worked- on the rare occasion i get a call.

hope you feel better

hello-kitty

If someone else besides your son called you and started yelling and belittling you on the phone what would you do?

Does the fact that he's your son make it ok for him to treat you like garbage?

We teach people how to treat us by the boundaries we set. Whether that's a son or someone else. And using drugs does not make it acceptable either.

Maybe this is a good time to redouble your efforts on your own recovery, attend some alanon or naranon meetings, work your own 12 step program and reread Co-Dependent No More.

You can't change him. But you can change yourself.

milo88

Hi Jacksdaughter,
I just read this and thought, hey, maybe this isn't so much about drugs as it is about him being heartbroken and maybe needing space/understanding.
My ex died of his addiction over 2 years ago now, but I still come here to read sometimes. After he died I don't think I was much better than your son! I wanted to be alone, at the same time I wanted people to care. I don't know what I wanted! I was severely depressed and in grief, and trying to adjust to a world without the one I wanted to share it with.
There isn't any one of us who wouldn't struggle emotionally upon losing their significant other - it's not really that strange that he would be feeling fragile - and emotional struggles are not pretty usually!
The worst thing of all is when you feel you have to "hide" your emotions - I think that's why so many turn to substances or alcohol.
I don't think it matters how old you are, we all need understanding sometimes!
Have you ever had your heart broken in love? If you have, tell him about it, let him know how he feels is normal! because it is......

dollydo

"I can't help it that I love him more than life itself."

For me, the above statement is a red flag, have you considered talking to a therapist?

Might help you sort out and deal with some of the issues at hand.

My best...Dolly

Ann

I know the sad feeling when we think they are doing well with their clean time then suspect they have relapsed. As much as we try to detach, it hurts every time.

When my son displayed that kind of attitude and rudeness, he WAS using. When he was clean and displeased with me he would simply say so and be done with it, when he was using he was sarcastic and nasty. I learned to hang up on rudeness.

Thing is, my calling him had nothing to do with whether he was using or not. He either was or wasn't. Checking up on him did nothing for me except make me even more nervous. And he could relapse on the best of days as well as bad days.

I learned to detach even more and just say a prayer and leave the rest between him and God. I couldn't control his recovery, but I had reached the point where his recovery (or lack of it) was controlling me.

Meetings helped me more than anything, to find my balance and really let go. It was hard but it was the best thing I have ever done.

Hugs to you and prayers for him.

hope213

you did not Cause it, u can not Control it & u can not Cure it. keep the focus on your self. go do something nice for you. prayers for u both.