1undone

I want to pick up so badly today. I'm struggling. I'll be at a meeting tonight and I will tell on myself but will that be enough? Is it enough that I'm on 5 medications because I weigh too much and I have a mood disorder? Is it enough that I have a child that relies on me? Is it enough that I have to work and be okay to do so? Is it enough that I know for a fact I will feel like **** the next day? I will regret it, will hate myself, will feel an insane amount of guilt, worry about my health, etc.

This is the insanity of alcoholic behavior and thinking. Right here. I want to be as honest as possible. I don't know why I would even have the desire or compulsion to drink. I wonder, am I going to end up in a hospital? I haven't drank yet but the relapse is already happening. It's like knowing exactly when a horrible accident is going to happen and there isn't anything you can do about it.

The relapse starts way before the drinking starts. I know this. I know all of the above. Why do we have this self distructive behavior? Where is my need to preserve my life and well being? Why isn't it outweighing my compulsion to self destruct????

PaperDolls

I don't have an answer for why but I can tell you, the longer you stay sober, the better it gets.

Please get on the phone right now and call your sponsor or someone in your home group!

Anna

I hope you can start to believe that you deserve a good life. I had self-destructive behaviour also, and it was really hard to convince myself that I deserved happiness in my life.

The relapse may have begun in your mind, but you can stop it before it happens in reality. Go out for a walk and try to find gratitude in the world around you. Hang in there, and it will get better.

ttbp

I can totally identify with your feelings. Do call someone, they do pass....

least

I lost the desire to drink when I started practicing gratitude every day for all my blessings - and they are many. Try being grateful, genuinely grateful for all you are blessed with. Even the little things count and can make a difference in our attitudes.

Fandy

me too...I relive some of the past horror show and it's almost enough to stop me dead in my tracks. but the urge comes on me at odd times. I don't consider it a relapse if I don't drink.

alaina02

The desire to drink goes away for me when i apply the steps to my everyday life. Also, if the thought even ever crosses my mind and stays there something is wrong within myself. Then i need the help of my sponsor or another closed-mouth friend to point that out and get me back on track. I grow through those experiences. I also pray that mental obsession does not take ahold of me. If im following the program of "AA" and im actually "living" the new life given to me, the big book tells me I will be free. However, i must follow those certain rules. =)

Good day to be sober is EVERYDAY!!

Mark75

I would also recommend you talk with your doctor... some of those meds may be triggering you... DON'T STOP TAKING THEM!! ... just have an honest and transparent discussion with the one who prescribes them.

susanlauren

1undone,
I could not get the thought out of my mind about drinking/not drinking until I worked the steps and had a spiritual awakening. The promises of the 10th step came true to me. I don't want to drink anymore. I have continued to follow a few simple rules (i.e., living the steps) and the obsession and the compulsion about drinking/not drinking continue to be removed. Going to meetings and talking about my my thinking wasn't enough. What step are you on?
Susan Lauren

1undone

I am powerless over alcohol and only a spirtual experience will change this? What is that? I'm stuck in step two. 6 Months and still stuck. Am I one of those "unfortunates?" Seriously, I don't understand what I'm looking for and why I don't see the good and fortunate parts of my life. I don't understand why they don't counter the compulsion to drink. I'm desperate to make this stop but I'm at a loss. Totally lost with this part of my thought processes.

I appreciate all that has been said here believe me! I want so much to be where some of you are. I cry and beg whomever or whatever it is to take this compulsion/obsession away but I don't believe in anything. I look at my son and my husband and wonder how I can even have the desire to drink. Ugh! It's so frustrating.

I'm hoping that by posting here and talking tonight that this will pass and I can report that everything was fine by tomorrow. This must be what "white knuckling it" means.

cuyootoo

I hope you can find joy and peace in sobriety. Just don't forget to look, and if you have to, make your own peace. Do something special for yourself. Treat yourself good; drinking is not treating yourself good.

whenartdeparts

Just ask yourself: what's the point in drinking? Seriously. Does it change anything? Reality remains the same whether we destroy ourselves or not. It is our perception of it that changes.
And I'm going to tell you something that I hope you remember and not treat like a stupid cliche: our perception of reality can change even without the "help" of alcohol.
Your mind is a tool that you should use from time to time, you know. That's why you have it in the first place. And the best thing you can use your mind for is altering your perception of reality. It can be great, full of hope and opportunities, full of beauty and pleasant surprises ONLY if you make your mind perceive it that way...

eJoshua

Can you go to a meeting now?

theballguy

Call a sponsor or someone in your group before you drink. Also, if you have time and there's a meeting available, go now. If you have something to do, no worries... just do that and it'll take your mind off of it. You do have to white-knuckle it sometimes. You may not want to hear it now but it will get easier.

Dee74

Hi 1undone

A lot of people seem to be having a rough time lately - my own past few weeks have not been great.

But I know what to do about my problems - fix the ones I can - and get help, advice and support for the ones I can't

Drinking's never a solution - not for people like us....it just makes the quicksand deeper...it makes our problems and troubles worse not better.

We already know how useless drinking is for us - we have years of evidence. There really are no answers behind us.

Keep moving forward and ask for some help 1 - whether it's your home group, your sponsor, your doctor, counsellor...reach out and make sure you do the best for you

Like Anna said, you deserve it
D

Zencat

One thing is helpful is to have a greater desire to remain sober that to drink. I know for myself when the urges and compulsions become my main focus, I drink. When I change the direction of all that mental activity towards recovery, I remain sober.

I hope you can find what you need to stay sober just for today.

LaFemme

I don't know if this will help but when I first got sober, every time I had a thought about drinking, I would stop whatever I was doing and relive in vivid detail my most awful drinking memory. The way vomitting up the wine felt, how it burnt my throat, the clammy skin, cramping stomach the tears. Every single time I had a drinking thought I made myself relive this. I almost never have drinking thoughts anymore and I think this is one ofthe reasons.

Sending you my thoughts and prayers.

Missy7

LaFemme has a great idea. We should try it. I am not threatening here, but I cannot express how many times I have awakened with a hangover and so utterly bereft that suicide seemed like a real option. Wow. Then the brain stem headache, the heart palpitations, the sick stomach, the stupid dizziness, the utter desperation.

And it happens nine out of ten times I pick up. The other time is a sliding scale of the same show. Why do something that has a best case scenario of: Thank God I made it through that one? Maybe I should find a busy street, put on headphones and run across to see if I survive that. Same thing.

This is not an answer--it's a question--why would you want that? Why would I?

Don't do it. Get some help, and I will work on strengthening my recovery program as well. Don't give in.

1undone

Well I've read all your kind words. I've been to meetings, read, ect. I have wonderful people that are very supportive here and outside. I wonder if this is a progressive wellness just like the drinking was progressive. More and more I won't think about it and it won't be such a major focus. I know I've kicked other addictions at least 99.1% so it has to be like that.

I have to stop trying to compare myself to other people. I also need to look at the way I'm going about my recovery. I think I need to seek out different ways besides AA. Anyway, thanks again for EVERYONE'S Kind and caring thoughts. I can always come here and be so honest. It's such a relief. I have so many character defects this isn't going to be solved over night. Ugh!

littlefish

I understand how you feel, I felt stuck too. Just for your information, in the fourth edition of the BB there is an appendix at the back of the book titled: The spiritual experience. It explains that not everyone may have a dramatic spiritual awakening but will instead follow a path of spiritual development.

That made a lot of sense to me and helped me get "unstuck". I feel comfortable with the idea that maybe I won't have that moment of awakening, but slowly and quietly get there through prayer, reading, meditation and a conscious daily contact with my HP. That sounds a little like the "progressive wellness" you mention.

I also can relate to feeling ruled by the mental obsession. I felt that I was almost driven to insanity by the constant thoughts about alcohol, the constant planning, the slips, the consequences after, the slow build up to the next drink again. I thought I was going nuts.
I don't think any two alcoholics will ever have that identical eureka moment when it comes to finally being free of the mental obsession. For me and I can only speak for myself, it came when I accepted, truly accepted, not just on an intellectual level, but on the level of my heart, that drinking will always be a negative experience and never ever be a good experience for me.
I held on to the idea that "just one won't cause any harm" for a long time, and proved myself wrong every time I tested my theory.
The mental obsession will go away: it went away for me, and I really never thought it would. It has gone away for many many others so...hang in there.