Learn2Live

I have been interacting lately with my brother's teenager, whose parents are both alcoholic addicts. They are divorced, the mother is still actively drinking (not sure if she's drugging), brother is clean and sober as far as I know. My interations with this teen have been pretty limited but what little I have been interacting with her produces an intense anxiety and panic, exactly like the feelings I would get dealing with her parents (which I no longer do after being lied to for about a decade). I question my own perceptions of how this child is behaving. I rarely doubt myself, but dealing with this kid lately has nearly put me over the edge. I sense this child is hiding something from me, and I feel intense anxiety just trying to interact with her on facebook. There is nothing I can pinpoint exactly about her behavior that is questionable, but I have learned to trust my gut. Not sure if anyone has any feedback on this kind of thing but I did read Lillamy's thread which made me feel a little better.

I want to cut communication with this kid off completely because I need peace and serenity in my life and whatever dealings I have had with her have brought me the opposite. Does anybody have any ESH on this?

Thumper

Teenagers hide things that is for sure. I have a nephew that I get a similar feeling with sometimes and it is because I don't trust him. I don't know if he's being nice because he feels nice or if it is an act or if he wants something from me. He himself is drinking way more then he should at 18.

Anyway, do what feels best for you and it will all work out. No further advice. I had a rotten weekend so feel like any of my parenting advice/experince should be burned asap, lol.

Learn2Live

I love her very much but I cannot allow that back into my life. I removed her parents from my life many years ago and had to sacrifice having the children in my life also, but I had to do that because I had to save myself. The two adults were making me crazy they were (and are) just so sick. I feel like what her parents were while raising her is what she will become (likely has become?) and there is NOTHING I can do about it. I don't know if it is an accurate statement or not that she will become just like her parents. They are very sick people, I know this.

Willybluedog

Hello learn,

As the parent of a teen and the child of an alcoholic mother I think I can offer some perspective.

Teens are trying so hard to find their own identity and they are embarrased by their parents in the best of circumstances.

I never knew how to deal with my moms drinking, nobody ever offered any help or support, I believe it is "the dirty little secret" type of deal, everyone knows but it's not discussed.

Maybe this kid is just holding it all in, I know I did at that age.

Suggest they attend ala-teen, read this forum, talk to their school counselor, etc.

Also if you must go no contact please tell them why, this kid may feel they have no one to depend on or or trust, an explanation why you are going no contact may help them feel better.

Best of luck to you,


Bill

Thumper

I think you just make decisions based on her own personal current actions in your life at this moment. I think it would be a deservice to you both if your worry/fear that she'll be just like her parents gets in the way of a relationship. You can't predict that. Of course, if her own actions in this moment are creating drama and upset then it may be best to take a break from her. Teens go through stuff (and probably her more then most) and it doesn't necessarily mean they will always be nutty and self-centered so I don't know that a break from her needs to be permanent necessarily.

Sorry you are dealing with more family stuff. That has got to be exhausting.

wellnowwhat

Not knowing you or the teen, could it be that her parents have portrayed you as being judgmental (when you went no contact) and that she is nervous that this may be true? Maybe her behaviour is her attempt at self-preservation? (Remember where she learned her social skills.)

Learn2Live

I can guarantee you her mother has portrayed me to be a lot worse than just judgemental I am the one of the group who got sober, who worked a program, and who does not buy into her bull$hit lies, manipulation, and control. If you do not drink and/or drug, and conform to the addictive way of life and thinking, you are cut off. It is a VERY sick circle of people with a VERY sick dynamic, that I am so grateful I escaped.

I think I have been focusing too much on HER behavior, and what is going on with HER, and not enough on ME and what I am trying to do to "help."