tuffy1006

- first off, I have read the big book and it says NOTHING in there about not being in a relationship in the first year. So, where did this come from??

- I get told this 1 yr crap a bunch. I personally have always been alone when I relapsed. I dont like my sponsor in my current business of relationships with anyone unless I bring it up. I also have been told "no major changes in first yr".

- So, do yall expect life to quit happening just because I havnt got a year? BTW, I did have a year once and relapsed because I was freaking lonely.

- I understand sponsors want their sponsees to focus on their recovery, but guess what? I have a job and am in school....so you want me to quit those so I can focus on recovery? That's be very counter-productive.



my point here is life keeps happening.....AA or no AA.


oh and my now ex-sponsor told me...."dont care if you screw a girl, but dont get emotionally involved.".....reallly? You want me to be a slimeball??? Another thing...his GF got into my business...so I took that ex-sponsor into a private area and told him to tell his GF to mind her own f'ing business and fired him on the spot. He was also talking junk about someone I had been hanging out with behind her back. Just freaking crazy.

Jomey

Hey Tuffy, I am not in AA so I can't answer about where the "1 year no relationship" started, but I can take a guess at why that idea has been around for a while.

I think the basis behind it is not that anyone expects your life to quit happening, but that you take the time to focus on getting healthy and learning how to live your life soberly. Major emotional entaglements can be counterproductive to learning how to be "you" without the booze.

I always thought that the "one year no relationship" rule is giving yourself the gift of time to heal.

Maybe the lonliness issue could, to some degree, but alleviated by some good same-sex friendships that are less likely to take an emotional toll?

Food for thought...as I said, I have mainly recovered without AA (tried it, but couldn't make the meetings often enough because of travel time), so I am not speaking on the BB or where the AA traditions came from, just my own thougths.

Good luck in your recovery.
Jomey

TheTinMan

Keep looking for a sponsor until you find one that says what you want to hear.

sugarbear1

rehabs. Nothing in the big book about this stuff. Life happens. Live it to it's fullest!

My sponsor knows what is and isn't in the big book, thank goodness!

90 in 90, 1 year stuff, that's all from rehabs. there is something to "anything I put in front of my sobriety, I may lose" so don't make a partner your higher power.

Enjoy Life!

Anna

I'm not an AA person, and I have found that balance in my life works for me. In fact, balance is crucial.

I hope you find a way to recover that works for you.

BadCompany

Experience.

tuffy1006

not all experiences are the same. Had a sponsor in another town I moved here from. he met his wife after 3 weeks and her 1 week....they both now have 21 yrs and are happily married

SteppingItUp

Tuffy, there is a lot to be said for experience -- in that respect I agree with BadCompany -- but you're right, it's not in the Big Book.



That Ain't In the Big Book

"Stay out of relationships for the first year!"


Page. 69, paragraph 1: "We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct."

Page 69, paragraph 3: "In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it."

Page 69, paragraph 4: "God alone can judge our sex situation."

Page 69-70: "Counsel with other persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge."

Page 70, Paragraph 2: "We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing."



I listen to what others have to say, check it against the book (so far, in my experience, the book always wins) and take it all to God.

My sponsor's real job? To get me through the steps to a spiritual awakening where God is flowing into my life and can direct me to what he would have me do.

Is he taking you through the 12 steps out of the Big Book?

Dee74

I think there is some wisdom in the idea of putting recovery first for a while regardless of where it came from.

I was a vastly different person at day 90 from day 1 for example...I'm personally glad I didn't take anyone along with me for that ride.

I needed some 'me time' to discover just exactly sober me was, and to be totally comfortable with that discovery.

Relationships can be difficult too - for everyone - a lot of stresses and strains can happen in the the best pairings....I'm also glad I waited until I was sure my sobriety unconditional, y'know?

I think I've made a better partner waiting and doing things that way. I was lonely too but I'm not sure loneliness by itself is the best motivator to enter into a relationship.

That said, it wasn't a year before I met my partner....but I felt instinctively it was a positive move I was ready for

D

BadCompany

Big Book never tells us not to drink either.

EricL

This is more pop AA garbage like 90 in 90, meeting makers make it, don't drink go to meetings, etc.

My book tells me that sanity will have returned as I move into my tenth and eleventh step inventories, that the obsession will have been removed, and that once I carry this message I will have had a vital spiritual experience.

We do this work and god fixes us, kinda arrogant of me to pretend that I can know god will do this at an arbitrary time point.

My experience has been like others, my sponsor takes me through the work so I have an experience with god. He is not there to dictate my life, who/when I date, etc. This is where I go to god and pray/meditate, and if I've done the work, and a relationship with a woman comes naturally (free of my will), then its probably good indication that it is in god's plan-regardless of whether I have 364 days or that somehow mystical 365th day.

TheTinMan

How long have you been sober this time Tuff and how do you go about choosing a sponsor?

yeahgr8

It's pretty obvious stuff...the program of AA is the steps which ensure a drastic personality change in the individual so for the first year, if the person is already single, it is suggested that they remain that way and get a relationship in place with themselves before attempting a relationship with another person...thats it really!

I would only really advise anyone to do this if they are actually doing work on themselves, i.e. real tangible work to recover from alcohlism, otherwise it doesn't really matter if the person keeps dating or not...

Mark75

Hmm, I gotta say, well... No, life doesn't stand still for us while we recover. Have you recovered? If you get lonely again, are you gonna drink again? Have you made progress in aligning your own self will with that of your higher power's?

No, nothing in the Big Book about no new relationships in the first year. But there is a lot of stuff about our spiritual fitness. Where are you in the steps?

susanlauren

If I don't know who I am, who am I going to be in a relationship? If I haven't looked at my past mistakes in relationships and examined my part in them (i.e., 4th step sex inventory), how am I going to avoid making the same exact mistakes in the future? If I don't know what my sex ideal for the future is (i.e., 4th step sex inventory), how do I know what I am looking for?

I don't think there is anything magical about a set number of days. What I think is critical is taking the steps and having a personality change (or vital spiritual experience or psychic change or spiritual awakening) so that I can go into a relationship sober and sane and healthy. Maybe a better indicator is "no relationships until after the 9th step amends are completed." Like the others have asked, where are you in the steps?
Susan Lauren

EricL

My second sponsor used to tell me while I was going through the work to, "Stay away from the women Eric, they've been through enough already."

OceanSize

i heard this in a meeting and liked it:

"anything i put in front of recovery, i lose"

i've got 81 days sober. as much as i want to go out and rebound against my ex right now i'm not yet at p69 in the big book, and so i'm waiting. I also know enough about myself to know that most of my relationships (i'm a serial monogamist) bring out the worst in me - no matter who i'm dating it's all the same issues rising to the top, and it's ultimately been the cause of deterioration in my past relationships.

When i'm in a relationship, all of my crazy family issues just end up rising to the top and i end up acting them out - i want that to change - i want to recover so that it can change - and i'm not in any headspace to deal with relationship issues before i clean up my own home if you know what i mean.

i know that's a lot of "aa speak" but it's what's working for me - and i swear, i never thought i'd be an "aa person" - but this is also the longest amount of time i've been without booze or pain pills in almost 20 years. I don't want to lose my sobriety.

I also haven't met anyone that floats my boat, so that may have a lot to do with it. There isn't anyone i know who is someone i want to go out with at all. except my ex, and he's gone. (not to mention that he's not very healthy either).

My sponsor has said it doesn't have to last the full year - but so far all i know is i'm not ready to get in any kind of relationship right now, even though i want to.

and i really really really want to rebound. but i know i'll feel icky if i do it. it always has in the past.

this relationship stuff sucks ugh!

anyway, maybe it doesn't have to be a full year for you - maybe it's just a post- step 6 or 7 kind of thing for you. Or maybe light dating is ok - Have you talked directly to your sponsor about it? what does he/she say?

My sponsor says "all dilemmas are a step 2 dilemma" so maybe a bit of meditation on your own issue will help you come to believe what it is you need & what action is best for you and your recovery.

Eddiebuckle

Tuff, your points are valid. But overriding tone of your post is all about what you want, and how your sponsor and this rule of thumb are getting in the way of what you want. I would suggest you look at this from the perspective of "thy will, not mine, be done" and let that drive your action and choices.

TheTinMan

You say it so much better than I did.

Lily

Tuff,

I am glad it bothers you that your ex sponsor said "dont care if you screw a girl, but dont get emotionally involved."

That would be enough for me to look for a new sponsor. I know this isn't in the Big Book about relationships, I think it is said to keep you from fixing on people over recovery. I know for me I have a tendency to fix on things... people, drugs, alcohol, food, etc.

I had 1 yr sober when I married my first husband. (relapsed when he got brain cancer)

I had 1 1/2 yrs sober when I married my second husband. (He has never known me to be high, cuz he never knew, but he did know after the fact cuz I told him.) Today I have 10 months! We have been married almost 10 yrs.

Just be careful, and I hope you can find a sponsor who morally you can be in agreement with! I too have been picky when it came to my sponsor, kind of a mentor I could look up to.

Remember sobertime does not automatically equal recovery.

blessings, Lily