Where I am at now
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SC
Posts: 30
Where I am at now
I finally left him tonight. I had had enough.
When he busted his head open a month ago, I told him to give up the bourbon, or I would be gone for good. I know that was an easy out for me because I knew he wouldn't be able to stay away. I knew that I wouldn't be able to consciously leave otherwise.
He's drank liquor every weekend since, but I haven't been able to find his bottle to prove to him that I knew...that I just wasn't relying on the sound of his voice (or him avoiding me at all costs and really me avoiding him too because I'm busy with MY life now).
Other than the weekend binges, he's been doing much better at work, has been more focused, has impressed the boss, and was more like a boyfriend to me than he's been this whole year. He's worked on a few major projects on his house, and he's paid me back the money he owed me. That's what sucked me back in a couple of weeks ago when I said I was done. There was a glimmer of hope that me leaving him was "doing the trick". As usual, they will do whatever pleases you so you can get sucked back in!
Tonight I came over to watch the football game, and he was passed out, literally bathed in his bourbon. A normal weekend for him - if he's not drinking, he's sleeping/passed out. I stuck to my guns and started packing up my things even though I knew that a real conversation wouldn't happen until tomorrow. In packing up, I found his bottle. I wasn't even trying to find it. He hadn't even bothered to put the lid back on and threw it in the closet, tipped over, which the smell gave it plainly away. After I was done packing, I gave him his bottle, told him to go back to his "ex" girlfriend (bourbon), and I was breaking up with him for good. I told him I would be back for the rest of my plants and things outside tomorrow. He nodded his head, eyes still closed. He won't remember a damn thing, and I know exactly how he'll act tomorrow. He'll think it was a bad dream if he happens to remember at all. I'm ready for it this time though.
I haven't even shed a tear tonight. I'm in a much better place mentally now. Much better than where I was a month ago, and even a few days ago! I have started a meditation class, gone to Alanon meetings, worked on my school work which has been neglected for a year and have played piano til I'm blue in the face. I've been looking for new jobs, and I feel pretty hopefully about that. Once I leave my job, I can go NC with the XABF.
More than 4 years of my life down the drain. I really wish I had the knowledge I do now about this disease to leave sooner. But, I have learned from this - and lived through this - which means I am here for something.
Thank you for all your support so far!
When he busted his head open a month ago, I told him to give up the bourbon, or I would be gone for good. I know that was an easy out for me because I knew he wouldn't be able to stay away. I knew that I wouldn't be able to consciously leave otherwise.
He's drank liquor every weekend since, but I haven't been able to find his bottle to prove to him that I knew...that I just wasn't relying on the sound of his voice (or him avoiding me at all costs and really me avoiding him too because I'm busy with MY life now).
Other than the weekend binges, he's been doing much better at work, has been more focused, has impressed the boss, and was more like a boyfriend to me than he's been this whole year. He's worked on a few major projects on his house, and he's paid me back the money he owed me. That's what sucked me back in a couple of weeks ago when I said I was done. There was a glimmer of hope that me leaving him was "doing the trick". As usual, they will do whatever pleases you so you can get sucked back in!
Tonight I came over to watch the football game, and he was passed out, literally bathed in his bourbon. A normal weekend for him - if he's not drinking, he's sleeping/passed out. I stuck to my guns and started packing up my things even though I knew that a real conversation wouldn't happen until tomorrow. In packing up, I found his bottle. I wasn't even trying to find it. He hadn't even bothered to put the lid back on and threw it in the closet, tipped over, which the smell gave it plainly away. After I was done packing, I gave him his bottle, told him to go back to his "ex" girlfriend (bourbon), and I was breaking up with him for good. I told him I would be back for the rest of my plants and things outside tomorrow. He nodded his head, eyes still closed. He won't remember a damn thing, and I know exactly how he'll act tomorrow. He'll think it was a bad dream if he happens to remember at all. I'm ready for it this time though.
I haven't even shed a tear tonight. I'm in a much better place mentally now. Much better than where I was a month ago, and even a few days ago! I have started a meditation class, gone to Alanon meetings, worked on my school work which has been neglected for a year and have played piano til I'm blue in the face. I've been looking for new jobs, and I feel pretty hopefully about that. Once I leave my job, I can go NC with the XABF.
More than 4 years of my life down the drain. I really wish I had the knowledge I do now about this disease to leave sooner. But, I have learned from this - and lived through this - which means I am here for something.
Thank you for all your support so far!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by SunnyinSC 
But, I have learned from this - and lived through this - which means I am here for something.
I found serenity when I accepted my past (I was doing the best I knew how at the time), I forgave myself, and I learned to love myself for who I am today.
Hugs and encouragement as you continue your recovery journey!
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