A little bit lost... New to forums.
Separated from AH
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 4
A little bit lost... New to forums.
Hi,
I'm from New Zealand. We don't really have alot of support groups as other big countries do, only helplines. So I have been searching all over the net and came across this fantastic site! I read only a few forums, but it was enough for me to see that there are alot of people out there in the same boat as me.... Reading success stories has taken a huge weight I've been carrying off my shoulders.
My status at the moment: very freshly a single Mummy. My husband of 6 years and best friend for 9 years has decided that alcohol is more important than the family we built together.
I guess a part of where I'm at now is my fault, but lived in hope he would eventually grow up. It wasn't the case and he only got worse as the years went by.
Over the years we have been together, my loving, gentle, humorous companion would go off the rails. He would go out to a friends for what was supposed to be a couple of drinks and to watch the rugby. He wouldnt come home until the morning. This is now a frequent event. His drinking has caused so much debt for us, I only saw us losing everything. I had to close his Building Business because he drank our creditors $. On our statements, it would show that in one day he can visit 5 different bars around town when he was supposed to be working....! Our home is half built as he's lost all motivation to finish it. He's always to hung over in the weekends to do anything with the children and I. He's now suffering clinical depression which I felt like I had to look after a teenage son, who constantly lied to me of his where-abouts and stole our grocery money. I could keep ranting on of all his wrong doings, but I think you get the picture.
Last week when he didn't come home until midday the next day, he came home to his bags packed. He went for a week, apologized and said he would do what ever it takes to make us a family again. My agreement for taking him back was no more alcohol. It's either that or us. But not both. I had missed him in that week.... Felt alone, unsure of what to do next. He lasted 4 days. And apparently my expectations were unrealistic and that I should accept him for who he is and give him a little freedom to drink. He wouldn't phone the helpline, said he didn't have a problem (he doesn't know any better, he grew up with an alcoholic father). So.... Once again I packed his bags as I felt I no longer want to feel anymore hurt from him, the constant feeling of being let down, the trust & respect had gone.
Did I do the right thing......?
I'm from New Zealand. We don't really have alot of support groups as other big countries do, only helplines. So I have been searching all over the net and came across this fantastic site! I read only a few forums, but it was enough for me to see that there are alot of people out there in the same boat as me.... Reading success stories has taken a huge weight I've been carrying off my shoulders.
My status at the moment: very freshly a single Mummy. My husband of 6 years and best friend for 9 years has decided that alcohol is more important than the family we built together.
I guess a part of where I'm at now is my fault, but lived in hope he would eventually grow up. It wasn't the case and he only got worse as the years went by.
Over the years we have been together, my loving, gentle, humorous companion would go off the rails. He would go out to a friends for what was supposed to be a couple of drinks and to watch the rugby. He wouldnt come home until the morning. This is now a frequent event. His drinking has caused so much debt for us, I only saw us losing everything. I had to close his Building Business because he drank our creditors $. On our statements, it would show that in one day he can visit 5 different bars around town when he was supposed to be working....! Our home is half built as he's lost all motivation to finish it. He's always to hung over in the weekends to do anything with the children and I. He's now suffering clinical depression which I felt like I had to look after a teenage son, who constantly lied to me of his where-abouts and stole our grocery money. I could keep ranting on of all his wrong doings, but I think you get the picture.
Last week when he didn't come home until midday the next day, he came home to his bags packed. He went for a week, apologized and said he would do what ever it takes to make us a family again. My agreement for taking him back was no more alcohol. It's either that or us. But not both. I had missed him in that week.... Felt alone, unsure of what to do next. He lasted 4 days. And apparently my expectations were unrealistic and that I should accept him for who he is and give him a little freedom to drink. He wouldn't phone the helpline, said he didn't have a problem (he doesn't know any better, he grew up with an alcoholic father). So.... Once again I packed his bags as I felt I no longer want to feel anymore hurt from him, the constant feeling of being let down, the trust & respect had gone.
Did I do the right thing......?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, you have come to the right place for support and an understanding of what you are facing.
You did real good, you set a boundery and he stepped over it. You then enforced it, was exactly what you needed to do.
Your children must come first, exposing them to an addict/alcoholic is very damaging to their well-being. They carry their childhood into adulthood, and, as a child of a person with an addiction problem, they have unfortunately inherited the gene which predisposes them to the disease. 50% of children of addicts either marry an addict or become one themselves, as an adult they suffer from low self-esteem, depression and a mirade of other problems. And living in a toxic enviorment, being exposed to his behavior and you condoning it, only magnify their issues. You are their voice, say what you mean, and, mean what you say.
Read all the stickies not only on the F & F of Alcoholics, but, those posted on the F & F of
Substance Abusers, addiction is addiction and both apply to your circumstance.
Keep posting, we are here for you....you are on the right tract, keep your resolve.
You did real good, you set a boundery and he stepped over it. You then enforced it, was exactly what you needed to do.
Your children must come first, exposing them to an addict/alcoholic is very damaging to their well-being. They carry their childhood into adulthood, and, as a child of a person with an addiction problem, they have unfortunately inherited the gene which predisposes them to the disease. 50% of children of addicts either marry an addict or become one themselves, as an adult they suffer from low self-esteem, depression and a mirade of other problems. And living in a toxic enviorment, being exposed to his behavior and you condoning it, only magnify their issues. You are their voice, say what you mean, and, mean what you say.
Read all the stickies not only on the F & F of Alcoholics, but, those posted on the F & F of
Substance Abusers, addiction is addiction and both apply to your circumstance.
Keep posting, we are here for you....you are on the right tract, keep your resolve.
Separated from AH
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 4
Thanks! Getting a reply back brought tears to my eyes. I have had to battle with his addiction for so long, it was friends and parents of good friends that told me I'll be ok and better off without him. I clung to whom I thought was my bestfriend.... But started realising his bestfriend wasn't me, but the beer and bourbon he drinks. Thank you for your support :-) x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Sweden
Posts: 63
Tessaz,
Welcome Tess. Keep posting here, you'll get great support & advice. Getting all that mad stuff out of your head & written out can be a God send it truly can. I wish you all the very best, stay strong, you're doing really well, love hayley x
Welcome Tess. Keep posting here, you'll get great support & advice. Getting all that mad stuff out of your head & written out can be a God send it truly can. I wish you all the very best, stay strong, you're doing really well, love hayley x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Tessaz -
Alcoholism is probably one of the most complicated, confusing diseases out there. I can't tell you if you did the right thing or not. I think, ultimately, we are our own judges. I have often asked myself if I did the right thing in certain situations, and I still don't have an absolute answer. I try to follow my heart. I think that is the only "right" thing to do in any situation.
But if you want to know more about the illness, what causes it, and what can be done to treat it - I recommend the book Under the Influence by Dr. Millam. Dr. Millam devoted his life to treating alcoholism and educating others. It is the best book on alcoholism out there.
Panther
Alcoholism is probably one of the most complicated, confusing diseases out there. I can't tell you if you did the right thing or not. I think, ultimately, we are our own judges. I have often asked myself if I did the right thing in certain situations, and I still don't have an absolute answer. I try to follow my heart. I think that is the only "right" thing to do in any situation.
But if you want to know more about the illness, what causes it, and what can be done to treat it - I recommend the book Under the Influence by Dr. Millam. Dr. Millam devoted his life to treating alcoholism and educating others. It is the best book on alcoholism out there.
Panther
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Tessa
welcome to SR
I'm an Aussie too, so it's good to see another Kiwi 'neighbour' around
I think setting boundaries and sticking to them is great - I think you've done really well for yourself - and maybe for your husband too. Maybe this will be the kick in the rump he needs, who knows?
A lot of people here find a lot of support and encouragement in AlAnon - I'm not sure where you are in NZ but if you ever wanted to go along and check out what it's all about, I'm sure there'd be a meeting not too far from you
New Zealand Al-Anon Family Groups | Al-Anon Family Groups
Hope to see you around some more - there's a ton of support here
D
welcome to SR
I'm an Aussie too, so it's good to see another Kiwi 'neighbour' around
I think setting boundaries and sticking to them is great - I think you've done really well for yourself - and maybe for your husband too. Maybe this will be the kick in the rump he needs, who knows?
A lot of people here find a lot of support and encouragement in AlAnon - I'm not sure where you are in NZ but if you ever wanted to go along and check out what it's all about, I'm sure there'd be a meeting not too far from you
New Zealand Al-Anon Family Groups | Al-Anon Family Groups
Hope to see you around some more - there's a ton of support here
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Gulf Coast of Florida
Posts: 28
The hardest part is that you love him so. I understand this and I am in a similar situation. Watching my AH throw his life away to drink. You are a strong woman and I think what you've done is admirable. However, I can feel the heartache and pain you no doubt are experiencing. I am feeling the same. It's the hardest thing in the world to love someone and push them away to save yourself and your children. This seems to be a wonderful site (just found it today) and I hope to see you around. Many (((hugs)))
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