What's really to blame?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
What's really to blame?
Sometimes I wonder what's really to blame when it comes to how my ex-boyfriend and I "parted ways."
On Labor Day Weekend, he choose to go out with his drinking buddies and while I didn't object, I did let him know that I was disappointed that he hadn't made any plans for us....
This was all via texting messaging....
After I sent the text letting him know that I was disappointed, he never did respond.
About a week later, I called him and asked him "what happened?" and he said he didn't know?
I told him that it was his right not to be in a relationship with me, if that was his choice, but he could have at least told me...
It was kinda odd, actually....
It was almost as if I was giving him "permission" to end it with me!
I kept asking him if he was sure? and I put it to him like this....
"If you can picture me dating someone else and it wouldn't bother you, then I suppose breaking up with me is the right choice..."
Then he yelled at me....
"Fine...I get it! Just don't invite me to your wedding!"
And then he hung up on me and we haven't spoken since....
What I find so messed up about all of this is that his last girlfriend abandoned him, so why would he then turn around and do the same thing to me knowing how hurtful it is?
Did he act this way because he knows that I know that he has a problem with drinking?
Or is he just a jerk?
Someone out there, please tell me that I'm not the only one who's trying to figure out if a drinking problem is the cause of this type of behavior? Or this is just how some people are regardless of a drinking problem?
The good news is, regardless of the cause, this type of behavior is unacceptable, but at the same time, I am trying so hard to make peace with myself over all of this....
I admit, I have the secret hope that he'll come back to me a sober man, but I also don't want to set myself up for another fall either....
I am so thankful for this forum...
Writing about my feelings is really helpful for me....
Thanks for allowing me to "share..."
I'm looking forward to everyone's replies....
On Labor Day Weekend, he choose to go out with his drinking buddies and while I didn't object, I did let him know that I was disappointed that he hadn't made any plans for us....
This was all via texting messaging....
After I sent the text letting him know that I was disappointed, he never did respond.
About a week later, I called him and asked him "what happened?" and he said he didn't know?
I told him that it was his right not to be in a relationship with me, if that was his choice, but he could have at least told me...
It was kinda odd, actually....
It was almost as if I was giving him "permission" to end it with me!
I kept asking him if he was sure? and I put it to him like this....
"If you can picture me dating someone else and it wouldn't bother you, then I suppose breaking up with me is the right choice..."
Then he yelled at me....
"Fine...I get it! Just don't invite me to your wedding!"
And then he hung up on me and we haven't spoken since....
What I find so messed up about all of this is that his last girlfriend abandoned him, so why would he then turn around and do the same thing to me knowing how hurtful it is?
Did he act this way because he knows that I know that he has a problem with drinking?
Or is he just a jerk?
Someone out there, please tell me that I'm not the only one who's trying to figure out if a drinking problem is the cause of this type of behavior? Or this is just how some people are regardless of a drinking problem?
The good news is, regardless of the cause, this type of behavior is unacceptable, but at the same time, I am trying so hard to make peace with myself over all of this....
I admit, I have the secret hope that he'll come back to me a sober man, but I also don't want to set myself up for another fall either....
I am so thankful for this forum...
Writing about my feelings is really helpful for me....
Thanks for allowing me to "share..."
I'm looking forward to everyone's replies....
Last edited by Diva76; 11-05-2011 at 01:46 PM. Reason: I spotted a typo!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Originally Posted by Diva76 
What I find so messed up about all of this is that his last girlfriend abandoned him, so why would he then turn around and do the same thing to me knowing how hurtful it is?
Did he act this way because he knows that I know that he has a problem with drinking?
Or is he just a jerk?
Someone out there, please tell me that I'm not the only one who's trying to figure out if a drinking problem is the cause of this type of behavior? Or this is just how some people are regardless of a drinking problem?
The good news is, regardless of the cause, this type of behavior is unacceptable, but at the same time, I am trying so hard to make peace with myself over all of this....
I admit, I have the secret hope that he'll come back to me a sober man, but I also don't want to set myself up for another fall either....
I am so thankful for this forum...
Writing about my feelings is really helpful for me....
Thanks for allowing me to "share..."
I'm looking forward to everyone's replies....
Did he act this way because he knows that I know that he has a problem with drinking?
Or is he just a jerk?
Someone out there, please tell me that I'm not the only one who's trying to figure out if a drinking problem is the cause of this type of behavior? Or this is just how some people are regardless of a drinking problem?
The good news is, regardless of the cause, this type of behavior is unacceptable, but at the same time, I am trying so hard to make peace with myself over all of this....
I admit, I have the secret hope that he'll come back to me a sober man, but I also don't want to set myself up for another fall either....
I am so thankful for this forum...
Writing about my feelings is really helpful for me....
Thanks for allowing me to "share..."
I'm looking forward to everyone's replies....
I don't think you're the first person on the receiving end to wonder if such behavior is your fault, or to wonder if the things a loved one said to you are true or the result of the drinking.
But it's not your fault. You didn't cause his drinking problem and his drinking problem has nothing to do with you. And nothing you could do or say would likely change his drinking problem until he was ready to change it.
Have you considered going to an Al-anon meeting? There are lots of people out there who are going through or have been in experiences like yours. I'm sure they could help you find some understanding.
I know it hurts to break up with people and then to wonder what you could have done differently, but from what I've read it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. As difficult as it is now to deal with your ex-bf and the feelings surrounding his drinking, think how much more complicated it would be if the relationship had progressed further to marriage, kids, etc., and still he continued to drink.
From what you've described and from my own experiences, he probably won't be coming back sober any time soon, sad to say.
You sound like a good solid person who cares about others but also has some good boundaries. I hope you find closure on this soon and can move on.
Good luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I really don't know Diva - it might be that you've been pushed away to make it easier for him to drink now - I've done that myself.
It might just be he's a jerk.
In either scenario, even tho it hurts, maybe you're better off now?
D
It might just be he's a jerk.
In either scenario, even tho it hurts, maybe you're better off now?
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
If he's as much of a jerk as it seems from your post, you may be fortunate that he 'left' you, even tho he did it in a roundabout and rude way. Speaking for myself only, I'd rather be alone than treated badly by someone who supposedly loved me.
And if he truly has a drinking problem, you're better off without all that unnecessary drama and crap. Been there, done with that.
And if he truly has a drinking problem, you're better off without all that unnecessary drama and crap. Been there, done with that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
My ex is an alcoholic and he made me make the decision of breaking up by basically sabatoging our relationship by cutting me out of his life. It was really frustrating (still is) because I wonder if we'd still be together if I hadn't decided to leave. However, if they really wanted to be in a relationship with us, they would've worked on it and spent time with us rather than going out with other people (especially when things are rocky). I feel like whether or not someone is an alcoholic, depressed, anxious, borderline etc, it doesn't mean they have a free card to shut down emotionally. It takes 2 to be in a realationship but some people forget that, you know? I am still heartbroken but realizing that my ex still has a lot of work to do (I hear he's still drinking) and unless he makes some major changes and comes back to tell me I'm a priority, I just can't subject myself to the unhealthy misery. I hope you are feeling better...don't doubt your instincts. We have to learn to trust ourselves and do what's best for us :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hello everyone!
Thank you so much for responding to my post
I'm a bit tired at the moment, so in the morning, I would like to take some time to respond to each one of you...
This web-site is fabulous!
Have a great evening
Thank you so much for responding to my post
I'm a bit tired at the moment, so in the morning, I would like to take some time to respond to each one of you...
This web-site is fabulous!
Have a great evening
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Thank you so much for your reply, Deserto...
You are absolutely right....Alcoholics DO throw away all sorts of good things if it interfere with their ability to drink....
I'm far from perfect, however, upon reflection, I do feel I treated him well and took responsibility for anything I did wrong during our time together....
"I don't think you're the first person on the receiving end to wonder if such behavior is your fault, or to wonder if the things a loved one said to you are true or the result of the drinking."
Deserto, you make another very good point. When I spoke to him a week later, it didn't even sound like him? But regardless of whether he was sober or not, I don't deserve to be treated this way and in a nice, yet assertive way, I let him know it!
"Have you considered going to an Al-anon meeting?"
I already do It's a great program and I'm glad it exists!
"Dodging a Bullet" is an EXCELLENT analogy...
In a dicussion we had several months ago, I raised the same points you did about how miserable of a marriage we would likely have if he didn't stop the drinking and hanging out with his so-called "friends..."
"From what you've described and from my own experiences, he probably won't be coming back sober any time soon, sad to say."
I agree....My therapist suggested that I let it go and in six months, if I choose to give him a call, that would be ok....
She expalined to me that I can let him know that I care about his well-being without getting directly involved..
But at the same time, I am so angry with him for how he behaved, I don't even want to bother.....
She explained that having mixed feelings (caring about the person and being mad as h--l at them) is not uncommon in a situation like this one....
As far as boundaries, it's with the help of my counselor and Al-anon that I now establishing boundaries that are MUCH HEALTHIER for me...
Thank you so much again for your thoughtful reply....
You are absolutely right....Alcoholics DO throw away all sorts of good things if it interfere with their ability to drink....
I'm far from perfect, however, upon reflection, I do feel I treated him well and took responsibility for anything I did wrong during our time together....
"I don't think you're the first person on the receiving end to wonder if such behavior is your fault, or to wonder if the things a loved one said to you are true or the result of the drinking."
Deserto, you make another very good point. When I spoke to him a week later, it didn't even sound like him? But regardless of whether he was sober or not, I don't deserve to be treated this way and in a nice, yet assertive way, I let him know it!
"Have you considered going to an Al-anon meeting?"
I already do
It's a great program and I'm glad it exists!"Dodging a Bullet" is an EXCELLENT analogy...
In a dicussion we had several months ago, I raised the same points you did about how miserable of a marriage we would likely have if he didn't stop the drinking and hanging out with his so-called "friends..."
"From what you've described and from my own experiences, he probably won't be coming back sober any time soon, sad to say."
I agree....My therapist suggested that I let it go and in six months, if I choose to give him a call, that would be ok....
She expalined to me that I can let him know that I care about his well-being without getting directly involved..
But at the same time, I am so angry with him for how he behaved, I don't even want to bother.....
She explained that having mixed feelings (caring about the person and being mad as h--l at them) is not uncommon in a situation like this one....
As far as boundaries, it's with the help of my counselor and Al-anon that I now establishing boundaries that are MUCH HEALTHIER for me...
Thank you so much again for your thoughtful reply....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hello Dee74....
I really appreciate your honesty...
Thank you for sharing with me....
I'm curious?
Now, that you have chosen to remain sober, have you ever reached out to those you pushed away while you were still active and re-established your friendships with those individuals?
-Diva76
I really appreciate your honesty...
Thank you for sharing with me....
I'm curious?
Now, that you have chosen to remain sober, have you ever reached out to those you pushed away while you were still active and re-established your friendships with those individuals?
-Diva76
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I have yes - not on the same intimate basis with my exes though as I'm with someone else now
Most friends and exes took their time, but they saw for themselves I'd changed and they learned to trust me again and we're all good friends again.
One ex however has never responded to me again.
D
Most friends and exes took their time, but they saw for themselves I'd changed and they learned to trust me again and we're all good friends again.
One ex however has never responded to me again.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hello Quitforme79...
With my ex-boyfriend, I didn't feel like a top priority either....
I suppose it comes with the territory?
I'll never forget the time we were at my niece's Holy Communion and he responded to a text message that a female drinking buddy of his sent...
I was FURIOUS!!!
This same female drinking buddy constantly texted him while we were out together, as if she had to give him a play-by-play breakdown of everything that was going on in her life....
Oh, and now for my favorite....(Not!!)
My ex-boyfriend and I went into the city one afternoon and she calls him on our way in and said she was "thinking about going in also..." Apparently, there was a bar she wanted to go to...
Since it was fairly understood that I don't babysit grown adults, he took the "hint" and told her that we would likely be heading back, as we both had to work the next day...
So, what happened???
As we're on the train back home, she calls (or texts)
(I can't even remember at this point?)
And says...Hey! "I just got into the city!!"
I couldn't even believe it!!!
Normally, I'm not the "jealous type" but....I thought this girl was WAYYYYY off base...
But, he's just as wrong for allowing her to have such loose boundaries...
Yet, with me, he had no problem setting boundaries....
He didn't seem at all interested in her, but I tend to feel she wanted him....
She was very interested in becoming friendly with me, (which I thought was odd) I mean, it's one thing if a friendship develops naturally on its own, but this felt very forced to me....
Anyway, one day I finally had enough and I just came right out and said, look so and so....
Since the two of you seem to like the same things, you may as well give it a shot and I'll step down....
Long story short, she called me EVERY name in the book and my ex being as naive as he is, just thought things would blow over and that we would make up....
Well, I told him, he can do what he wants, but I don't trust her and I never will....
Although, he and I had a brief split after that happened, we did eventually continue to date from the middle of July until Labor Day Weekend....
Of course, he lied to me and said that they didn't hang out much anymore, but after we broke up, I saw pictures on Facebook that indicated otherwise....
I am so upset that after this girl trashes me on Facebook that he can even want to have anything to do with her???
I guess drinking buddies are more golden than girlfriends?
Phew!
Thank you so much for sharing and for allowing me to vent...
If you can identify with anything I am sharing, feel free to share with me....
We don't need these guys!
Thanks again for writing....
With my ex-boyfriend, I didn't feel like a top priority either....
I suppose it comes with the territory?
I'll never forget the time we were at my niece's Holy Communion and he responded to a text message that a female drinking buddy of his sent...
I was FURIOUS!!!
This same female drinking buddy constantly texted him while we were out together, as if she had to give him a play-by-play breakdown of everything that was going on in her life....
Oh, and now for my favorite....(Not!!)
My ex-boyfriend and I went into the city one afternoon and she calls him on our way in and said she was "thinking about going in also..." Apparently, there was a bar she wanted to go to...
Since it was fairly understood that I don't babysit grown adults, he took the "hint" and told her that we would likely be heading back, as we both had to work the next day...
So, what happened???
As we're on the train back home, she calls (or texts)
(I can't even remember at this point?)
And says...Hey! "I just got into the city!!"
I couldn't even believe it!!!
Normally, I'm not the "jealous type" but....I thought this girl was WAYYYYY off base...
But, he's just as wrong for allowing her to have such loose boundaries...
Yet, with me, he had no problem setting boundaries....
He didn't seem at all interested in her, but I tend to feel she wanted him....
She was very interested in becoming friendly with me, (which I thought was odd) I mean, it's one thing if a friendship develops naturally on its own, but this felt very forced to me....
Anyway, one day I finally had enough and I just came right out and said, look so and so....
Since the two of you seem to like the same things, you may as well give it a shot and I'll step down....
Long story short, she called me EVERY name in the book and my ex being as naive as he is, just thought things would blow over and that we would make up....
Well, I told him, he can do what he wants, but I don't trust her and I never will....
Although, he and I had a brief split after that happened, we did eventually continue to date from the middle of July until Labor Day Weekend....
Of course, he lied to me and said that they didn't hang out much anymore, but after we broke up, I saw pictures on Facebook that indicated otherwise....
I am so upset that after this girl trashes me on Facebook that he can even want to have anything to do with her???
I guess drinking buddies are more golden than girlfriends?
Phew!
Thank you so much for sharing and for allowing me to vent...
If you can identify with anything I am sharing, feel free to share with me....
We don't need these guys!
Thanks again for writing....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hello Dee 74...
I'm glad you're continuing to do well and that you've re-established some of your friendships...
My counselor suggested that if I choose to, I can reach out to him in 6 months...
She said that I can let him know that I care without becoming directly involved...
Sometimes I feel so mixed...
There's moments that I would gladly want to reach out to him in six months and there are others where I don't even want to bother...
She mentioned that it's common to feel compassion and anger towards the addict...(I just didn't realized that these feelings can co-exist together.....
I have my mind made up that I would not want to be with him if he didn't seek some type of help....
When you began pushing friends and other loved ones away, how close to the bottom were you?
Was a it a matter of months or years?
Not to worry, Dee74...I did let him know (when we were breaking up) that although I still loved him, I wasn't going to wait for him and now that I'm free, I can accept an invitation to go out if I wanted to....
(That's when the phone got slammed down in my ear...)
So, I'm thinking...he either had enough at that moment and didn't want to deal with it anymore (which I realize upon reflection is totally immature)
Or...that he's not so wild about the idea of me (eventually) moving on with someone else.....
It worries me that he's 35 and still actively engages in the bar scene....
For this reason, I am starting to have my doubts about him wanting to change....
Every once in a while, he would tell me that he's been "trying to leave such and such for years"
And there was once a period of time that he did leave "such and such town" and those friends for 1 year... (I was not in his life at the time)
From what I gathered, it seems to me that he completed isolated himself, which is not the same thing as seeking treatment....
Btw, I was hesistant to name the town, as I am attempting to respect this person's anonymity....
Thank you so much again for your honest feedback....
Between this site and attending Al-anon, I am beginning to feel some inner-peace again!
I'm glad you're continuing to do well and that you've re-established some of your friendships...
My counselor suggested that if I choose to, I can reach out to him in 6 months...
She said that I can let him know that I care without becoming directly involved...
Sometimes I feel so mixed...
There's moments that I would gladly want to reach out to him in six months and there are others where I don't even want to bother...
She mentioned that it's common to feel compassion and anger towards the addict...(I just didn't realized that these feelings can co-exist together.....
I have my mind made up that I would not want to be with him if he didn't seek some type of help....
When you began pushing friends and other loved ones away, how close to the bottom were you?
Was a it a matter of months or years?
Not to worry, Dee74...I did let him know (when we were breaking up) that although I still loved him, I wasn't going to wait for him and now that I'm free, I can accept an invitation to go out if I wanted to....
(That's when the phone got slammed down in my ear...)
So, I'm thinking...he either had enough at that moment and didn't want to deal with it anymore (which I realize upon reflection is totally immature)
Or...that he's not so wild about the idea of me (eventually) moving on with someone else.....
It worries me that he's 35 and still actively engages in the bar scene....
For this reason, I am starting to have my doubts about him wanting to change....
Every once in a while, he would tell me that he's been "trying to leave such and such for years"
And there was once a period of time that he did leave "such and such town" and those friends for 1 year... (I was not in his life at the time)
From what I gathered, it seems to me that he completed isolated himself, which is not the same thing as seeking treatment....
Btw, I was hesistant to name the town, as I am attempting to respect this person's anonymity....
Thank you so much again for your honest feedback....
Between this site and attending Al-anon, I am beginning to feel some inner-peace again!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I have to say I think it's very different me reaching out to the people I pushed away and you reaching out to your ex...
I'd definitely think on that for at least 6 months.
Who knows, you might find yourself in a very different headspace then
as for how far from the 'bottom' I was...I personally was still a decade from getting into recovery - but I was really stubborn - and dumb lol....
I think it's really different for everyone Diva - I'm not sure you can draw a general rule of thumb?
D
I'd definitely think on that for at least 6 months.
Who knows, you might find yourself in a very different headspace then
as for how far from the 'bottom' I was...I personally was still a decade from getting into recovery - but I was really stubborn - and dumb lol....
I think it's really different for everyone Diva - I'm not sure you can draw a general rule of thumb?
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
