friends are losing respect for me and I'm pretty much a mess

Old 11-05-2011, 12:13 PM
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friends are losing respect for me and I'm pretty much a mess

I just wanted to say how much this forum has helped me, even though I haven't managed to fully detach and go no contact with my ex I find a lot of strength and encouragement here and have learned so much from other peoples experiences.

I had a heart to heart with one of my close friends and she has told me that a lot of my friends, including her, are losing respect for me for even giving my ex the time of day. I have got to the point where I try to avoid talking about him around my friends because I don't want to burden them or listen to a lecture so it's not like I'm constantly complaining about him, they are just worried. As an outsider she sees the way he disrespects me and takes me for granted and basically pointed out every thing that he has done to me and that I have gone from his girlfriend to basically the person he calls when he wants to get some or wants taken care of. I know I need to go no contact but despite what my head is telling me I am still extremely physically attracted to him and I keep hoping things will change. I thought we could go back to casually dating and just have fun and sometimes it works but I'm not really a casual dating kind of girl and I want to get married and have kids so obviously I should get rid of him. I think I might be to the point where I need to go talk to a therapist or someone because I just can't handle this anymore.

Logically I KNOW this is a bad relationship for me, I mean he actually pooped on my bedroom floor (which I discussed in a previous post), drives drunk probably 3-4 times a week, and he's probably cheated on me...plus I was pregnant a few months ago and he spent the weekend out with his friends getting wasted while I stayed home crying, he left within an hour of when I told him I was pregnant and I didn't see him for 3 days after that. I had a miscarriage a few days later which I am guessing was due stress and since then I have just been a complete mess. I wish I could just move away or somehow fast forward a few months so I don't feel this sad, I feel like I'm feeling worse instead of better as time goes on and I've gone from this confident, successful, happy girl to someone who's life is out of control and is always sad, anxious, and on edge. When I manage to drag myself out of bed in the morning I feel like I have to spend a lot of time putting myself together to hide what I'm going through and most of the time I would rather just stay in bed...I literally have to give myself a pep talk just to get out of bed most mornings. I have so much to be happy and thankful for, even the miscarriage was probably a blessing in disguise, but all I can do is focus on how great things would be if only he cut back on the drinking and grew up....and he's in his mid 30s so it's highly unlikely that will happen. I know if I don't end things and move on now the rest of my life will probably be full of unhappiness and pain, I just cannot seem to do it.

Sorry for such a depressing post, I just really needed to vent and hopefully I have reached the bottom and things will get better going forward.
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:31 PM
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Ohhhh, gosh, you reminded me of some things that have happened in my past, too. This is all very familiar. First, I'm sorry for your loss. I believe we have angels...

I will tell you a few things I learned and I am still learning on my path.

1. You cannot define you by what anyone else says about you or to you. As a matter of fact, when I learned that it's really none of my business what other people think of me, it's made me more free to think of myself.

2. About his alcoholism, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you certainly cannot cure it.

3. Strong physical attraction is *very* common in alcoholic's hostage-taking (they don't have relationships, they take hostages).

4. You may want to address your signs of depression while you're in the process of healing. You do have some intense things going on all at once. Please take care of your health, and the rest will follow. Please see a doctor about your symptoms. I'm glad I did.

5. Reaching out for support is really good step work. Have you had a chance to look at Step One to see if you're there yet?

I kept reading here, learning, talking and working. It's a process and a commitment to a healthy, happy, serene life. You get to decide what you want, and then we can try to show you what's worked for us. Out of that, you may find something that works for you, too.

((((HUGS))))
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:42 PM
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I think therapy and an al-anon meeting would be wonderful for you, help you to gain perspective. No judgments at al-anon, people who have been through similar experiences, a very gentle program that lets you move at your own pace.

I also just want to point out that stress can NOT cause a miscarriage. Please don't think that your miscarriage was in any way, shape, or form something that you caused or had control over.

Wishing you lots of peace and strength on your journey to recovery.
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Old 11-05-2011, 02:53 PM
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Your friends care about you and your well-being. I do understand that they can no longer watch you being taken advantage of and doing nothing about it. It just gets old, and there really is nothing they can do to help you, if, you do not help yourself.

If you need a man to define you, you will never find any real happiness. How you can still be physically attracted to a man who craps in his pants and on your floor is beyond me. I would never get that gross scene out of my mind. Could just be me.

I agree, might be time for therapy, you seem to be trapped in a negative mindset.
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Old 11-05-2011, 06:10 PM
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Wishingdreaming,

Your friends know you, they interact with you on a daily basis, and have had the opportunity to observe what you are living each day with your ABF. Sounds to me as if they have your best interest at heart. As stated, only you can decide if you want to continue in this relationship.

Personally, I believe you are in a very unhealthy situation. As the alcoholism progresses, the situation only gets worse. You are experiencing the "tip of the iceberg" You truly cannot save him. Love cannot fix this disease.

He is not boyfriend, husband, or father material, at this time. He is an addict.

There are thousands of attractive men out there who have their act together. I think you are selling yourself short in accepting his unacceptable, and out of control behavior.

What is he doing about his recovery?????? Spending the weekend with friends getting hammered does not sound like someone who is trying to come to terms with his addiction. Doesn't sound ready to me. Actions speak louder than words.

Sometimes we have to feel the sadness, we have to mourn the loss of the dream. Accepting the loss is part of the process.

Time to focus on YOU. Reconnect with friends and family, Take control of your own life. He is not relationship material at this time.
Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Old 11-05-2011, 08:12 PM
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I'm sorry you're so sad and having such a very hard time I promise, you won' t always feel this way and better days are ahead. (((Hugs)))

I'd like to second the suggestion of seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist and/or physician. You are describing classic symptoms of depression and might be helped by a short term treatment of anti-depressants. Talk therapy would be so good for you -- sounds like your self-esteem has taken a pretty good beating lately. Have you ever seen a psychotherapist before? They've helped me 4 or 5 times in the past getting through some really tough times.
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Old 11-06-2011, 11:25 AM
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Hi wishingdreaming,

I hope it is Ok to look at a few points from this thread and your other one?

From what you have said, you are in a casual relationship with a man in his 30s who you find yourself attracted to. Though you maintain separate residences, you feel certain that he is not using any amphetamine/laxatative substances (like cocaine), but after ending an evening of drinking, he has the energy and mental alertness to chat until the wee hours of the morning. He has, on at least 2 occasions, had involuntary bowel evacuations - once in a public bar and once in your bedroom, feet from the bathroom. You note that he isn't shy about talking about this type of stuff as "thats how he is".

Now the people closest to you are starting to reach out to you about their concerns. Huge red flag there. As you are not in a full time relationship with this man (or raising his children), your friends are going out on a real limb here. You are not financially dependent on him nor in danger of losing a home, and there are no other people involved or impacted. That is a gutsy move from your friends and is telling on two accounts - first, that they know this isn't their business (and could backfire) but secondly, and more important - that they care enough about you to say something.

Is it possible/likely that they know about all of this stuff - and more?

Mr "thats just how he is" is showing himself zero self-respect and even less to you - if it were even possible. That doesn't happen in a vacuum and people do pick up on it (even if the blatant examples aren't known).

I am going to go against the grain here, and have fully donned my flame proof suit in preparation. Al Anon is a fabulous resource for friends and family of alcohol abusers, but this man isn't family and with his actions and lack of respect, do you really need him in your inner circle as a friend? Counseling is cathartic, as is posting here - both allow for unscrambling of the brain by giving the opportunity to vent and get it out - but at times, it helps to revisit those thoughts with a clear head and read back what has been said/written to know where our heads were at a prior moment in time.

Please, for yourself, choose wisely for your future. You can seek counseling as to how to live/deal with an addict (in cases bringing them even closer by mentally renting them space in your brain) or how to walk from a relationship in which you have no financial or legal ties.

You deserve better than this.

Take what you want and leave the rest. I wish you only the best.
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Old 11-06-2011, 01:01 PM
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I remember on the show Intervention the councilor asking a girl-" What about loving that man makes you happy ?"
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Old 11-06-2011, 01:32 PM
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wishing..I have no room for advice. I can just relate. ALL of what you want and hope for, is normal. Don't fault yourself on that. It's just that damn disconnect between what we believed was in our reach..and the reality of what is. I SO respect the wisdom of those who have been able to detach and move on. I have not yet been able to reach that point, either.
I know what I should do. I know what I have been ABLE to do.
Excuse me, I think I want to find a wall to kick.
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Old 11-06-2011, 02:49 PM
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Sorry about my double post. I tried to delete one but it didn't work. One thing that helped me with my XAH was I wrote down all the hurtful things he had done and kept the list with me to read when I wanted to talk to him. My best girlfriends who loved me told me stuff too which actually helped me in the long run. One said he's a jerk.....and the other said he's just a drunk ! Therapy helped and the Code No More books. My therapist said my integrity got me out of the relationship. Now after several years in Alanon I believe I was addicted to the addict. I had to run away from him as if he were my drug. Now four years later after divorce I am so much happier.There was a link 2-18-10 about giving ourselves golden cowchip awards for each day of no contact. Leaders can we bring back the "Golden Cowchip Award" for each day we take a break from the bull ?
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Old 11-07-2011, 12:57 PM
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Hi,
Your post feels very similar to what I'm going through right now. Basically, I know that this isn't good for me. But I keep going back for more. Accepting behavior that I wouldnormally find unacceptable. I have found that I have turned into a crazy person. My friends and family are very tired of watching me cry only to go back to him. I started going to meetings less than a week ago and am hoping/praying that they will help. The thought of being without him is so much worse than what I feel I am going through right now. But anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand what you are going through and although I am not in your shoes, it's easier said than done. I do feel like my addiction is my boyfriend. Just like he is probably constantly obsessing about when he is going to go out drinking again. I'm obsessing about when I'm going to see him. I live in a constant state of anxiety. Anyway, you're not alone. And accepting that it's over, is easier said than done. Hang in there. And just do your best. That's what I'm trying to do.
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Old 11-07-2011, 03:36 PM
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Wishingdreaming, sending hugs if OK. I remember the feeling that I was a mess (if I recall correctly, I thought I was a toxic mess), sometimes those feelings come back, but I am slowly becoming aware of this fact:

I was not the mess. It was the situation that I was in that was a mess. Yes, my friends and family were afraid for me, they were tired of seeing me accept the mess as my lot. However, they did not think I was the toxin. I am very sure that's how your friends feel, too.

When I first left now-XAH, I did the same thing CarolStar mentions: I carried around a list of the nasty things life with XAH came with. When ever I felt like I was forgetting, I re-read and sometimes added to it. The urge to call generally faded as I was pondering the the list.

You're not the mess, you just need to find your way out of a mess, and you will. You've already started looking for the route.
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