lillamy

Some days, I can get overwhelmed coming to this site and seeing the never-ending stream of new hurting people whose lives have been affected by other people's drinking.

As I was sitting here tonight, I was thinking of things people said to me that helped, that made a difference, when I was still in the thick of living with an AH.

I think I've made this post before -- I tend to come back to things that have helped me in the past -- but I'll ask again:

Would you please share things that people have said to you that helped you during your journey, your recovery, your struggle?

Just now, I thought of something my counselor said shortly after I left my AH, one phrase that completely changed my thinking. I was guilt-ridden over leaving him because I felt like I had abandoned him when he needed me the most. My counselor said:

"Not only do you have the right to make the choice for yourself and your children to not continue living with an alcoholic. You have the responsibility as an adult to make that choice for yourself, and you most certainly have that responsibility as a parent to remove your children from a pathological situation."

Getting that confirmation that I actually wasn't an evil person for trying to save myself and my children was huge. Lifechanging. In one short speech.

What can you share that helped you?

Pelican

Oh my, which to choose from.........

These two are still on my desk and have held their spot for about 2 years:

"People are not doing things to us, but are doing things for themselves; we can release feelings of being a victim"

"Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking.
Reality is not very confusing at all" LaTeeDa

This is also on my desk, but I don't think I have shared it here before:

"it takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them,
More strength to relate to people than to dominate them,
More "manhood" to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex.
Toughness is in the soul and spirit,
not in muscles and an immature mind" Alex Karras

posiesperson

Oh what a great idea! There are SO many wonderful and helpful things that have been said to me, but this one made the most memorable impact at the time:

On one particularly painful day, almost a year ago, a program friend sent me a text. It said, "It won't always feel this way. Just go about your business."

And that still gets me through difficult moments...

Anvil's comments to my early SR posts about trying to not contact my exA were also priceless: imagine a sledgehammer taped to the phone and picking it up means you hit yourself in the head with it...or something to that effect. I laughed and laughed with that imagery. Not only did it help me remember the pain of picking up the phone to contact my ex, but it brought a sense of humor at a time when I feared I would never be happy again. (Boy, was I wrong about that...whew!!)

Thanks for the thread,
posie

dollydo

If you don't value yourself, how can anyone else value you?

If you don't have a plan, you plan to fail.

My dad said this one to me: Be like a fighter in a ring, fight fair, but, protect yourself at all times.

I am not in favor of fighting, however, the premiss rings true, protect yourself.

wellnowwhat

This is a great idea!

"He's not drinking AT you, he's just drinking."

This just about wiped out years of bitterness and resentment and let some compassion in. Funny how perception works like that!

"Most people are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abe Lincoln

It hadn't occurred to me I had any choice in it! That despite all that was going on, I could choose joy.

AllAboutheGirls

When the verbal abuse turned physical, I was thrown into the legal system and world of domestic abuse. I found it extremely difficult to admit this was happeneing to me. I spoke with a counselor at the states attorneys office whose advise to me has still never left my thoughts and continues to guide me even in the darkest moments now.

"If I were you I would RUN. Run fast and don't look back."
"If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your girls."
" What would you do if your daughter were living this way?"

Thanks Lillamy for bringing this up. I hope our words touch another wounded soul here today!

It's All About The Girls

dbh

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

I had this posted on my mirror for at least a year.

Thanks for the topic.

db

NTurn

that's the one that stuck for me dbh...once i got my head round that I knew I was on my way to a better life for me

Littletori

"One Day at a time"!

skippernlilg

It's none of my business what other people think of me.

I cannot remember who told me that, but it freed me like no other.

betterlate

A few I've collected off SR:

Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel.

“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.” - Oscar Wilde

"Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day." -Albert Camus

LIFE is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you deal with it.

"One ceases to recognize the significance of mountain peaks if they are not viewed occasionally from the deepest valleys." - Dr. Al Lorin

LifeRecovery

Not directly related to alcoholism but this has been really helpful for me recently.

Stress = A situation + Our Reaction

kykat

thank you so much for posting this. I recently left my alcoholic boyfriend and being the christian that I am, I have struggled with whether it was the right decision. I battled in my mind back and forth of staying to help him or letting him have to help himself and I still struggle with that. The one thing that has helped me is the facts. I didn't choose to leave him, he made that choice for me, by choosing to continue drinking and being verbally abusive and not getting the help he needs. If he were willing to go to AA and do as his counselor in the past had instructed him too, I would have done everything I could to be right there with him.

Leaping

Someone said that she didnt leave her spouse because he was an alcoholic, she left because he did not honor his agreement/commitment to treat his disease.

After two rehabs and multiple counselors, my STBXAH had the tools to treat his disease. He chose not to. I made my decision to leave.

Keep it simple, break it down and put one step in front of the other - peace

MeredithD1

From right here on SR.

sesh

Thanks for the great thread!
There were so many great things that people on SR told me that were very helpful. The first one that comes to my mind is when Catloverme told me something that went like: Maybe it is time for paradigm shift.
It was like a missing piece of the puzzle, it never occured to me before that something like that is possible, don't know why but it didn't. That one sentence has put me in the motion, and since than my recovery truly started, I stopped being stuck, it was small slow steps, but in the right direction.
The other thing that was truly helpful to me was, and I don't remember who said it or what they said exactly, but it had made me question the things I was most defensive about. That was a huge breakthrough for me too.

Bernadette

I often repeat this one because it saved me and continues to save me when I feel up against a wall:

The past is gone; I am free in this moment.
(from Louise Hay "Heal Your Body")

And this one is on my desk:

Our doubts are traitors
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt.
(William Shakespeare - "Measure for Measure")

Both these statements helped me see that I have a CHOICE. Always, I have a choice - in how to react and how to behave. I am free in THIS moment.

Peace,
B

DesertEyes

What a wonderful thread, thanx everybody. Here's my favs:

I would rather live alone, than wish I did.

Marriage is a contract that takes only one side to break.

I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to do it for a lifetime.

Let go, or be dragged.

Mike

Tuffgirl

Acceptance does not mean approval.

Same goes for forgiveness. Once I could wrap my head around that concept, it all got a lot easier to deal with.

Thumper

These were some of the stand outs for me...

Let go or be dragged.

Listen to the actions, not the words. I had this quote everywhere I went..."What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say" Ralph Waldo Emerson. I had definitely been living my life based on his words, not actions.

catlovermi posted to me when I first came here about giving myself permissions. I've re-read it many times.

I have one person IRL that means so much to me She is so supportive and always seems to say just the right thing. I really look up to her as someone that has a much healthier approach to life. Anyway she once told me, after I shared something I was upset about, that I might be a tiny bit dinged up but I was still nearly perfect. That one comment comforted me so much I always remember it and try to replace some of the negative tapes in my head with that one.

The whole concept of my side of the street and his side of the street.