harleygirl71

I am so looking forward to my 2nd Nar-Anon meeting tomorrow night because I have so much to learn. I am driving myself crazy right now with so many crazy thoughts and anger. I am mad that he is more excited about having take home doses of methadone but has yet to decrease the dosage like he promised over 3 weeks ago which is just another broken promise. I have such mixed emotions, I am mad but then cant stay mad because he is trying to be a good husband to me other than not making efforts to get off methadone. I know that part needs to be his problem and I need to stop trying to be in control. I know why I want him to stop in my time because I am the type of person who loves to just get on my bike and take off for a few days but if he dont stop then I will be doing this stuff solo. I have in a sense lost my best friend. Drugs have seperated my relationship with my son and now it is working on my marriage. I know this is probably not even making sense and that I am trying to have a pity party but really I am just venting. I know in time as I attend meetings and read messages on here that I will get through this. Thanks for letting me vent.

outtolunch

I could not live with /depend on someone in active addiction and for me that includes methodone maintenance and Subs. That's my non negotiable boundary I established to maintain my own sanity.

You can accept him as is/where is or not. It's that tween place that's a real killer.

357girl

I feel for you Harleygirl, as I have been in your shoes. You did not say how long your husband has been on methadone, but i'm assuming it's been some time since he's getting carry doses. I imagine he is excited about not having to go to the clinic every morning to get his daily dose. I have learned a lot about Methadone, my daughter is on it. She has been a heroin addict for 3 years. When an addict stops stealing from you, lying to you, and is living a life without addict behaviors, there is some peace. It's not perfection, but perhaps it's part of the process. I often have to remind myself to lose the expectations I have of her and just remain hopeful. I can't fix this. Be patient with your husband, keep going to meetings, and get out on your Harley by yourself! I ride a Harley, and there's nothing greater than being out on the open road, knowing that the one you love so much, is hanging in there.

harleygirl71

357girl you are right, I really need to be grateful for the positive things that have occurred like him admitting he has a problem. I just struggle because I agree with outtolunch that methadone is still an active addiction. He has only been on the methadone for 4 months and at 40mg(highest dose for him) for 6 weeks. I need to be grateful that he is not sneaking behind my back shooting crap up in his arms putting me at risk for HIV and other diseases. He did do that before and I had a really hard time with that. I will say that he finally dropped his doage to 38mg, which I am proud of him for doing. I need to come to terms with all this so I can be more supportive of his efforts to quit doing drugs but I am still trying to learn the fine line of being supportive and being a codependant. I will just keep reading my Nar-Anon book and talking to all of you then I will learn. Thanks for being there!!!!