Back again

Old 11-03-2011, 05:50 PM
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Back again

It's been a while since I’ve written anything here at F&F. I've been trying to work on the issues related to the abuse and SA in the relationship I had with XAH, PTSD etc., rather than the alcoholism. So I've been elsewhere. But I’m back – Dear F&F, are you ready for the novels, again?

I'm back because a whole new round of crazy is starting, and I let myself be sucked right back into it and am trying to back myself right back out of it. What the main thought though is that MY issues with the situation all come back to my desire to have his family like me, understand.... It's all coming back to me forgetting that they are HIS family...

Back story: XAH has visits every weekend with our DS; by court order, due to the alcoholism, abuse and SA, the visits are supervised. XAH’s GF, sister and father were appointed the supervisors. This past year, GF was the main enabler; she had been XAH's catspaw, mother, wheels, free-ride, etc. He'd wind her up and point her in the direction of the ex (me), with the result that she became the voice of his vitriolic diatribes. XAH's GF, however, has finally given up and stated that XAH is a lost cause because she can't fix him, is afraid of him, wants him no where near her or her kids.

He's drinking and using again, and she had enough. Last weekend, her kids were with their father, but she and XAH had DS for his weekend visit. XAH got nasty; she left and took DS with her so he wasn't left alone with XAH. (For that I will be FOREVER grateful.) And she later kicked XAH out.

Hearing this, I thought: Finally! Now he won't be trying to show her he's really a good dad or be the wounded, mis-understood ex-husband who's ex-wife was so vengeful, she makes him have supervised visits with their child. But man, I'd forgotten about his sister.

Prior to this: odd visit weekend with his family picking up DS for Daddy Visits when XAH was not even in the same state, pretending that XAH was present for the visit, having DS lie about where he is (“With Daddy!”), refusing to bring DS back or let me pick up DS from where ever they were. Refusal to respond to any correspondence. I’m sorry, their credibility is kind of shot.

XAH e-mailed this week and asked if it's OK for him and his father to pick up DS for dinner on Sunday (per the terms of the visitation schedule). I waited to respond – deep breath – then e-mailed to say it was OK since it was within the term of the court orders, copied his sister and father, and outlined the responsibilities for a court ordered supervisor. Which in retrospect was a stupid, STUPID thing for me to do. XSIL is again haranguing me about XAH’s RIGHT to see his son and accusing me of withholding DS from XAH all while she ignores XAH’s active alcoholism.

I’m trying to remind myself that they’re HIS family. He’s an alcoholic, his niece is an alcoholic, his aunts/uncles on his mom’s side all died from alcohol related issues, of course his sister is bound to be enmeshed in the disease too. His dad believes alcoholics can just STOP. Reasoning with them is not an option. Trying to figure out what they’re thinking is just as pointless as trying to figure out what XAH is thinking. So just don’t do it.

I’m trying to back myself back out of the circle.

Point to this novella? I need a hug, encouragement, some response that may indicate I have more brains than I feel I do right now...
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Old 11-03-2011, 06:17 PM
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First of all, the court order is between you and your husband. You XSIL has nothing to do with it. I understand that in-laws love their family. But clearly your XAH is a detriment to the safety of your child at this time. I might try to gently tell XSIL this and let her know that once XAH gets some help and recovery time under his belt that you can work on an amended schedule.

When I leave my ABF, I will also have to deal with these types of problems. It is so tough and you just wish that the other side can see how you have been affected. Somehow it is always about the A and the consequences of his actions and the A's family enabling and not understanding that there have to be repercussions.

HUGS. You WILL get thru this.
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:17 PM
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Hey! You have been missed around here!

Sounds like some sweet validation with the GF, eh? But continued crazines, for that I am sorry. You are stronger than you feel right now, don't forget that. Got to detach as best you can.

Take good care!
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Old 11-03-2011, 10:02 PM
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hi TheUncertainty! I don't have children so I won't even pretend to have a modicum of understanding of how one gets through what you are getting through. So I'll do what I do best - hope and pray the best for you and tell you that I care about what happens to you and your DS.

I Do have a difficult SIL. As I was telling a close friend today, I keep my SIL in front of me where I can keep at least one eye on her because I know she never really lets go of that knife she hides behind her back.
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Old 11-04-2011, 05:26 AM
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Oh, yes. The insanity that alcoholism brings into our lives...

Sounds like you're doing a good job (and it's good to hear from you, BTW!). Doing regular Alanon? For a while I was doing 4-5 meetings/week (now I'm doing 2-3), it was my sanity in the midst of the crazy-making. Having that many meetings each week really helped me stay on my side of the street.

Hugs,
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Old 11-07-2011, 01:25 PM
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So, I'm still confused about where to draw the line between alcoholism and abuse. I do know, though, that what I just typed up to post here is better posted in the SA survivors’ forum I write in/read… So will revise what I started writing…

I’m so glad for the welcome back, though I feel like I don’t deserve it, having been gone and basically just lurking the F&F board…

OMG, Tuffgirl. You have no idea how great the validation from GF feels. I hate that she went through what she went through – to the point where she’s asked those of us who have to deal with XAH still to never mention her name or her kids, because she has “enough fear to deal with” – but at the same time it’s nice to know that it’s not just me he treats this way and that I didn’t imagine the alcoholism or abuse.

Posie, no, no al-anon lately. I can give a long list of reasons, but they’re just excuses, really. I have however been meeting weekly with a counselor and almost every week with a DV support group. Every time I think about cutting back on meetings with my counselor, something comes up that sends me into a tailspin. I’m often afraid that I do it to myself. I have to remind myself that just like I can’t control XAH’s drinking/using, I can’t control his enabler’s enabling. However, I admit I’m still having a hard time detaching from XAH and his entourage. And there is still so much that I need help to work through.

This summer has been h-ll with XAH and GF. My friends and family, and counselor, had to remind me daily that it would change soon. XAH couldn’t keep up appearances for very long. And turns out they were right. So now we’re onto the next bunch of enablers.

I’m tired of the dance, but it’s generally easier to ignore the digs XSIL gets in, because I know where she’s coming from (same alcohol-enmeshed family dynamics and crazy divorce that she insists mine is just like).

I also have so much to be thankful for and I think that’s another thread.
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Old 11-07-2011, 02:01 PM
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Welcome back!!! I've missed you!

I'm still confused about where to draw the line between alcoholism and abuse
Well... if the result is the same, the cause doesn't really matter, does it?

I'm so glad GF finally saw the light -- will she write an affidavit to the effect that she's
XAH is a lost cause because she can't fix him, is afraid of him, wants him no where near her or her kids.
?

Given that she was a court-appointed supervisor of visitations, that should say quite a bit, I would think...

(Here I go trying to FIX things again...)
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Old 11-07-2011, 03:14 PM
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Hugs, Lillamy.

I'm fairly certain XAH's xGF would not be willing to draft an affidavit. Though I do have her last set of e-mails saved where she states XAH is a lost cause, that she's never known any one who can lie like he can, that she's done trying to help him, and that she's got "enough fear in [her] life."

Even though she wants him no where near her or her kids, she's still not willing to admit that XAH drank, used or abused while DS was around. (Though she did take DS out the house because of XAH's behavior.)

The fear statement from her was weird. Just saying. If XAH were completely out of my life, I'd pretty much have no fear in my life. Worries, yes; FEAR, nope. And it's funny (not funny ha-ha) the way she worded her statement about XAH being a lost cause. It completely came across as: if SHE (of all people) can't help him, well then no one can.

She also stated we'd never hear from her again. (I have to admit to a little dance at that thought.)

So... affidavit kind of doubtful. Her emails, I think, would be helpful though. We'll see.
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Old 11-07-2011, 03:22 PM
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I was wondering when do you draw the line that its not your issues here and that they are his......

AL ANON helps in this issue....

really...? who cares about the girlfriend...and the ex...and his family...(just my 2 cents)

your only issue here is YOU and YOUR kids...
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Old 11-07-2011, 04:12 PM
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Yep, Fourmaggie. Keeping DS safe is my only concern when it comes to dealing with his visits with XAH. Keeping both of us safe is my only concern with just dealing with XAH in general. I think I've come a long way from when I first left XAH. I no longer feel I have to try to talk XAH into going into rehab. I no longer worry about where he's working or if he's working. Though I also know I have a lot work ahead of me regarding detaching and healing.

Yeah, I did take a little too much spiteful glee in GF's statement that XAH was beyond help. It's not like I rubbed her nose in it; though man, was that urge ever there.

However, it's interesting to note that GF's statement could help show the court that measures are still needed to keep DS safe during his visits with his father.

XAH's family. Well, I'm still trying to get over the "please like me" little girl whine. I'm trying though.
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