sojourner

The more stories I read about loved ones in rehab, the more I see a pattern. the rehab centers do not seem to bring in the family into the plans for the addict's future post discharge. To hell with HIPAA - these people's lives are at risk.

So many family members come on here without a clue about where their loved one should be living, etc. after discharge. I get the impression that while their loved one was in rehab they never ever had any sessions with the staff.

Am I missing something? It seems like the families should be in the loop of things from the day their loved one is admitted to a facility. They should not be relying on their addicted loved one to be telling them the plans - that just seems to me to be a continuation of the same old fragmenting. What a waste.

I am involved in a program that helps Jewish Russian immigrants acclimate to this country. In order to be eligible for this program (involving psychiatric care, medical care, translation, transportation, help with dealing with public agencies, housing, etc), the person has to have a support person (usually family member) who is required to be involved in their care and also has to meet with the case manager for training and education. So I know it can be done.

My vent. Thanks for reading.

TMZ

I know what you are talking about, and early on I felt that way. Being bold I caught my AS counselor (the one that understood my AS the best ever) out side for a smoke. he agreed to meet with us my W and I. we went in and that is when we learned we we just enabling and every thing he has done just gets destroyed by what we do after he gets out. We needed al-anon/nar-anon for us, and for our own recovery.

Rehab is a road that the A must travel alone. We are part of why they fail because to them we are just a tool they use to use. They must want R for themselves, and they must work the program.

Ilovemysonjj

TMZ, thank you for the feedback. I am sooo tempted every day to pick up the phone to call my sons rehab and see what he is doing/how is doing. He is in a court ordered 6 month program. Your words are perfect for me today!
TT

hopeful0323

I agree. When my AXBF was in rehab (the 1st time of many), I was so angry because the staff would not include his mother and I in "the plans post rehab". Now that my head is just a little clearer, I know that this is his road to travel. Not only is his recovery, if and when he chooses true recovery, none of my business but it is his to map out. Actually, now that I have had accepted this I am not as anxious and worried about him getting recovery. It feels good not to be concerned with at least one crisis in my life. I have two children, and I realized about 4 months back that I was not being the best mother I could be due to my obsession with AXBF's problems. I knew then it was time to detach from this situation and the only way I could do that was to seperate from him. I am still struggling everyday and mourning the loss of our 4 year relationship. But, I do know that I feel so much better than I did 4 months ago.

sojourner

What frustrates me, though, are the family members who just automatically allow their loved one to come back home to live after rehab when that person would be better off in sober living, etc. Maybe even that had been suggested and advised to the person. But from what I read on these boards, that kind of information is not readily made available to the family. So that leaves the recovering addict to tell the family ANYTHING, and the family is none the wiser.

I can just imagine the counselors at the rehab sitting around griping because so many family members undo the work of the rehab - yet the family is left in the dark about the treatment plan. I am comparing this to a hospital discharge summary where the patient and family are given a copy of the discharge planning that has to be explained by the hospital staff and signed by the patient and family. Do treatment centers send the patient and family home with their treatment recommendations/ advice for number of meetings, where to live, whether they are capable to employment yet or not? Yet all this is important information for a family to have is left up to the recovering addict to relay to the family.

hopeful0323

This is all true. However, the only one who can undo the work of the rehab, is the addict. They are educated on what successful recovering addicts do to stay clean. Sober houses, halfway houses, meetings, etc. It is their responsibility to stay on the road to recovery, and not anyone elses. But as someone who loves an addict, it is extremely hard to just let go and let god.

JMFburns

sojourner,

I understand where you are coming from and struggle with the same thing.

If it is an addicts first time through rehab and a mere 20-30 day program, is that really enough time to help them to understand where they'll end up later if they don't take advantage of sober living or something like that??? I mean 3+ rehabs later - yes, I can understand it being time to totally step back and let the addict plan their future or direct their outcome. But in the beginning? Would it be helpful if there were more involvement from family or friends? Who knows . . .

cece1960

I understand your frustration. The rehabs ( notice the plural) that my son attended had a bit of a double standard in that while they would not disclose info, they did have expectations of the family if the discussion with the addict revealed plans to return to the home.

It took me a few trips around the block to back off and not participate in the discussions that made me feel obligated.

The real eye-opener was when he spent time in jail, and no one was planning his perfect life upon release. I slept like a baby and spent that time detaching from my feeling of being responsible for his future.

He did not come home to my house afterward. Somewhere in the phone conversations he heard the word "no" and believed it.

So, while all rehabs are different ( one he was in told him to stop calling his mommy, he was an adult with adult problems to take care of ) there are some that will use whatever means possible to show that the addict was deposited safely somewhere, and when they show up back on their doorstep, the family must have enabled. I got very tired of the back off, but pay attention rules.

Just my experience...

Chino

My daughter has done 2 stays at detox only (2 different places) and 1 detox+rehab (28 days). At the detox only facilities, where she went next was discussed 2 days before she left and with us present. At the detox+rehab facility, they spent the last week working out the details and I was kept in the loop.

I believe we were kept in the loop with all places, because she authorized that and I/we were 100% involved in the family sessions. The counselors, doctors, nurses, therapists all gave me their contact numbers and said to call any time I had questions or concerns. It was all very transparent.

At each place, being authorized to speak with personnel about the patient was not a prerequisite for participation in the family sessions.

Something I've noticed here on this forum are loved ones struggling with being hands off yet having questions that do involve them. I can't remember how many times I've read someone asking about housing, but they haven't asked the rehab that question. Even if they aren't authorized to speak with personnel about the patient, they seem confused about it being a question they should ask as it pertains to themselves. Maybe they don't know they can make statements to the counselors, like "home is NOT an option" and leave it at that.

There are pros and cons to being hands off and each person has to decide if that is in their best interest. I chose to remain hands on and it was 100% in my best interest. However, should my daughter require rehab again, I will be 100% hands off. We both agree there is no longer a need for my involvement in her recovery; we both have our own recovery programs