Aysha

Well once again I just couldnt get to that airport. I swear I dont know what is holding me here. Its like I have a panic attack every time its time to go to the dam place. This is plane number 4 that I have missed in a month.

Good news tho, I havent gotten high in 2 days. I have been staying inside for the past week. And today I am starting to look for a job.
I have met someone that is helping and took me into their home and is enmcouraging me to be better.
I have known him for a littel while but about 2 weeks ago he told me I could stay with him and he would help me as long as I did what I was suppose to do.
So it has been paying off so far. I am not ruhe streets anymore and I am starting to stay away from all the people and drugs. Even tho I am still right in the middle of the area.
I know it isnt the answer to the big picture. But it is a start. Once I get established a luittle more I will look ionto some type of counceling and treatment.
I am going to find some NA meetings as well. I need to make an effort here.
I am not even trying and didnt from day one that I got back here.
I am tired. I am sick of almost dieing all the time. I am ready to live and move forward with a real normal life.
That stabbing really messed me up. At first it didnt hit me at all. But little by little it is affecting me. I see the seriousness of it and I see that I am dwelling on things. I see how when I just burst out talkign about it for some reason how emotional I get now. So i know it had to have done something to me.
I never want to experience that again.
Thats the closest to death I have ever come.
When I was blacking out I thought for sure that was me slipping away. I cant even begin to explain that feeling.
Anyway, I know this isnt really what you all probably want to hear but its a start for me.
Its alot better than not giving a crap at all/ At least I have some hope and drive now as before I just wanted to keep killing myself.

suki44883

I really hope things work out for you this time, Trish.

Dominica2

Best wishes to you!

sissy07

Aysha,

I have been following your posts, and was glad to read your update today. It sounds like your situation is a little better - just do what you are supposed to do, ok? I am glad that you are at least somewhere safe.

I think you are going to go through a lot more emotion about that stabbing. Man, that was horrifying to read about.

I know some of the things that I did to myself that I knew were bad then, it took getting sober for awhile to take a step back and look how serious some of those things that happened (and that I did) were. And that is good. I need to realize how serious this stuff really is. People are dying (or getting killed) every day because of substance abuse/reckless behavior resulting from it. This is not a joke - I am much more serious about all this now that I see it from a distance. It is actually this that is keeping me sober more than anything else. I realize that I was in really, really bad shape. I knew it then, but did not realize the extent, even though I knew I was living on the edge.

Hang in there, and if you can't get on that blasted plane at least stay safe and sober. Elizabeth

aussieblue

I have been following your posts too and worry for you. Your post today sounds a lot better than anything you have posted in a long time . I do hope you continue to stay of the drugs and get some professional help.
Look after yourself and stay safe.

Dee74

I'm glad to see a little bit of hope back in your posts Trish
Wherever you ultimately decide to stay, I hope this will be the start of the journey back for you

D

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - I, too, am glad to hear you sounding a bit more positive. I can only imagine the emotions that have reared their ugly heads with the stabbing. It took a while for them to hit me when I got pistol-whipped and robbed, but I was lucky that several people here understood PTSD and helped me through it.

Take care of you, sweetie.

Love, hugs and prayers,

Amy