jOSE2

I am new to this forum:-found last week.
I'm doing the 'what if ' stuff again- I locked ExAh husband out of my home 15months ago,and I went to my usual meeting a 3 weeks ago and he was sat in the car park in his car-watching me ,he didnt go into the AA meeting room,and the following week I recieved a letter from him saying he would like to talk to me, for a few weeks now I have seen him near my home vacinity and again today -going to see a drinking buddie -this letter he sent on reading it again,he does believe that I am going to Al-anon for his benefit,'unbelievable'
(He started recovery with AA in 2007) went 4 months, left my home started drinking again, this went on for another 2 years ,go 6 months off drink again back to AA, lost count of amount of times on and off,until I had finally enough-causing arguments about all and nothing,or going and seeing his old drinking buddies,said he likes to see them drinking as a reminder where the drink was taking him.As though I believed that -been drinking on and off for 44 years-one night after a meeting said he wasnt sure whether he was actually an alcoholic but that he could have physological problems problems! ,"I said when you make up you mind I'm off to bed" let me know in the morning which category you fall under'

So I'm sat here unsure whether to now go to my f/f meetings-which have helped so much for me this last 4 years
Anyone else ever been in this position and had any experience of this behavour-because I'm back in the land of 'what ifs' again,pretty scary stuff

wellnowwhat

It doesn't matter if he says he is alcoholic or not, what matters is you had a problem with his drinking and/or drunk behaviour and that you found Alanon helpful.

DesertEyes

Hello there jOSE2

Yeah I know those thoughts quite well. They're not much use by themselves. However, if you follow them with a plan of action then they can be productive.

Rule #1 of attending al-anon meetings is to be sure that _you_ are physically safe when you go. So use the "what-if" stuff to make that rule work for you.

What if you spoke to a solicitor about your exAH stalking behavior?
What if you spoke to the police?
What if you asked the people at the meeting to meet you in the car park?
What if you asked somebody from the meeting to give you a ride?
What if you asked some of the people from the meeting to go to _your_ house and have the meeting there?
What if you called a domestic violence shelter and asked them for suggestions to keep yourself safe?

I think I am out of ideas there Am I making sense with this? The point is that you can come up with several choices to explore, then you can explore them all and see which ones work for you.

Mike

jOSE2

Hello Desert Eyes,

Thank you for those suggestions:
I have been in touch with and have kept in contact with Victim support again today-she told me to ring the police-which I did,they told me they cant stop anyone walking near or past my home-it's a case he has to physically touch me-I do know this ,though V/S say that police have to log each incident I ring in about anyway,no matter how minor it may be,
I'm trying to rack my brain to ask someone to come to meetings with me for support if only for a couple of weeks,
Thats a good idea too,of meeting an Al-anon member to meet me in the car park,thats a good idea.
Victim Support have sent me a personal alarm to carry on my person incase he comes near me-Its not only him ,his family members were stalking me for about 4 and half years and he'd kept on telling me,that I'd encouraged them to stalk me! Most his family members have been taken into lock up mental hospitals ,threats of murdering people,
I have had all locks changed in my home last week too,so I am sleeping a little better since.
Also I cant get a an injunction yet as he hasnt physically touched me.
He has done this in the past,the stalking stuff and it really is so covert,its because I wont be and refuse to be his enabler,could be his running out of enablers and because in the past as I did so want to believe he could change( we do all truly want to belive they will change)
I have seen in past meetings A's come in looking /or trying to get into Al-anon meeting group room to get to their wives partners,male or female,they are usually so drunk and the wonderful AA members in the other room eject them,he blatently comes sober/well not actually sober,you understand what I mean,
I know I'm getting PTS symptoms again and have asked my Dr to be reffered now for help with that,it has really taken its toll on me,getting falsh backs of things that happened enduring living with this man on and off over the years.

Had to tell someone,and thank you for your support and listening to my share and will try and put some of these suggestions you have sent me into action
Thank you so much

CXR

Yes, go to your meetings. For you.

jOSE2

Thank you for the posts:-

Funny how I can answer my own questions-of course I should go as usual to my meetings,I found who I was again going to meetings,
I will go with integrity and dignity and know my HP will look after me.

Thank you again